Did I make the right choice in rejecting a proposal?
I've been living in England for most of my life and have only been back to my country once since moving here. I recently planned for a trip back to visit my family. After we bought our tickets, there was a proposal for me back home.
I'm strongly against an arranged marriage with someone who has spent their whole life in my country b/c they do not share the same values. I would rather find someone here in England. When my parents told me about this, I didn't say No but I also didn't say Yes. I was trying to keep an open mind.
I found out a week later, my parents had assumed that I wanted to get married to this guy. So they called them and said "Yes, she will marry your son." They were already making arrangements for an engagement. I was furious when I found out b/c I was under the impression that I would be able to meet him before I made my decision. But my parents started talking to me about how shameful it would be if I said No to this proposal. I also started to realize that if I'm back there, all of my family will try to convince me into this and keep talking about shame on my family and me.
I felt as if I might be guilted into something that I may later regret. These feelings were very strong. B/c of all of this chaos, I did an istakhara on whether I should even go back. I don't know if I did it right but I did have a dream about bright red blood in urine. I was also asking for signs and I just kept getting the most sickening feeling when I thought about this whole scenario. I didn't want to waste my vacation time and be depressed back home with all of my family members telling me what to do. I also realized that a meeting with the guy for 10 minutes will not help me make my decision b/c that was all the time I would be allowed to agree to marry someone whom I've never meet and my family has never meet.
So I decided to tell my parents that I'm calling the whole trip off. If they keep talking about shame and me rejecting this proposal, then it's better that it ends now. My parents freaked out when I told them and said some really hurtful things. They even went as far as to say that I am no longer their daughter. I feel as if I did nothing wrong yet I feel so bad. They think I betrayed them yet I've never even had a boyfriend or even thought about it. My dad won't even talk to me and I think they both hate me.
I don't know if I'm making the right choices b/c now, when all is said and done, I feel guilty and so sad. But at the same time, if I go through with this proposal, I will feel so depressed.
Am I a bad person for going against my parent's wishes? Am I going to be punished for the rest of my life? Will I ever find love or ever find the right guy b/c my father told me that I would never do any better than this guy?
I'm so confused and all of this is tearing me apart. What if I made a really big mistake? If this was meant to be, could things still work out in someway? Will my parents ever forgive me? Will God forgive me? Please provide some guidance. Thanks!
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