depression about upcoming marriage
salaam all.
I am a young female, 26 years old. I used to like a guy and we spoke only with the intention of marriage. However, in order to marry me I had made it clear that my parents would need to see that he is stable. He had 6 months to find a good job. He is very intelligent ma'sha Allah, however he did not find a job.
In this period Alhamdullillah I had many proposals. In the end I told him I was going to select one as my parents were not only not going to accept him because he's not stable, but also because they hold traditional views and don't believe in cross cultural marriage (this guy was of a different culture and he knew of my parents view about this beforehand). I know it's both our fault for hoping it would work.
Anyway, I agreed after salatul istikhara to marry this other man and we are now engaged. However, I find myself picking at his every action, criticizing him and in general criticizing his every action/word etc. I told him I hate romantic conversation, which is a lie. It's just that I can't stand him being nice to me. EVERYONE keeps on telling me how lucky I am. I did istikhara for the previous guy and accept we probably weren't good for each other's future, hence why Allah sent me this guy in'sha'Allah.
However I feel depressed so badly. Not because of the other guy but at the thought of marriage. I feel distant from Deen, yet I cover, do hijab n pray regularly alhamdullillah. What can I do? My sister says to say no to this guy if I'm unhappy, but I know I'll be the same with the next. I am so picky, and who is to say I'll get another proposal? I feel as though shaitaan is working overtime with his waswas with regards to my marriage. Please advise me islamically what can I do to be more positive and stop such negativity?
Jazaak Allah Khair.
-rkat77
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assalamalaikum-
1st one YOU TIE UP IS AGAINST ISLAM AND THAT RESULT YOU FACED-DEFYING WHAT ALLAH TOLD NOT TO DO-YOU DO AND SURVIVE WRONG IS YR JUDGEMENT-
COING TO THIS AGAIN YOU WANT TO DEFY ALLAH AND THINK YOU WILL SURVIVE WRONG IS YR JUDGEMENT-
I find myself picking at his every action, criticizing him and in general criticizing his every action/word etc-
NOW THIS BLAME GAME WONT WORK BECAUSE SHAITAN INSTIGATD YOU AND YOU FALL PREY I feel as though shaitaan is working overtime with his waswas with regards to my marriage. THEN AGAIN FEEL NEGATIVE BECAUSE YOU DID WHAT SHAITAN WANTED AND THAT IS PRE MARITAL RELATIONSHIP WITH THE PERSON AND HE REACHED THIS SO CALLED ROMANTIC STAGE ETC ETC-
Correspondence between the sexes is not permissible, because that provokes temptation and usually results in evil. If a man corresponds with a non-mahram woman in letters that are not seen by anyone else, that leads to many evils.
As for the love that stems from repeated looking, haraam mixing or correspondence, the one who does that is sinning to the extent that he does haraam things in his relationship and love.
Islam forbids a woman to be alone with a man who is not her mahram because of the fitnah (temptation) and bad things that result from that, such as attachment and the desire to look and touch, etc.
All of this results from the man talking to the woman in these private letters or conversations, especially if they are young and at an age when desire is strong.
Shaykh Ibn Jibreen (may Allaah preserve him) was asked: What is the ruling on correspondence between young men and young women, if this correspondence is free from immorality, love and desire?
He replied: It is not permissible for any person to correspond with a woman who is not his mahram, because of the temptation involved in that. The person may think that there is no temptation, but the shaytaan will keep trying until he tempts him through her, and tempts her through him.
Moreover, these illicit relationships that take place before marriage will be a cause to make each party doubtful about the other.
The husband will think that his wife may possibly have a similar relationship with someone else, and even if he thinks it unlikely, he will still be troubled by the fact that his wife did do something wrong with him.
And the same thoughts may occur to the wife too, and she will think that her husband could possibly have an affair with another woman, and even if she thinks it unlikely, she will still be troubled by the fact that her husband did something wrong with her.
So each partner will live in a state of doubt and suspicion, which will ruin their relationship sooner or later.
The husband may condemn his wife for having agreed to have a relationship with him before marriage, which will be upsetting for her, and this will cause their relationship to deteriorate.
Hence we think that if a marriage is based upon an illicit premarital relationship, it will most likely be unstable and will not be successful.
HOPE YOU STOP EVERYTHING NOW ONWARDS TELL THE BOY YOU WANT TO BE AS A NEW BRIDE COMES HOME WITHOUT KNOWING EACHOTHER MUCH AND AFTER NIKAH IT IS LEGAL TO TO TALK AND MOVE AHEAD IN LIFE-SEND THE CORRESPEONDENCE COPY TO HIM FOR YOUR STAND-
REGARDS
Asslamu Alaikum
Sister relax...this is something quite common to feel regarding your fiance .I had the same story and after marriage I love him the most...Soon you will be moving to a new place,family,culture...so unconciously these things are making you irritable and reacting to him in this way.But Insha Allah things will be different once you are married......
relax and pray to Allah.
Salaam to all of you brothers and sisters.
Sister the problem is not only you it is for everyone including me.
I am a brother and I sent many marriage proposals to a different sisters and whenever they accept my proposal, pickiness start kicking. I don't know what to do about it.
I am at a point not knowing who to marry and what to choose from them.
We should put trust in Allah to make us easier for our marriage process. We should also be thankful to Allah as he brought you someone with proposal. There are many sisters out there who don't get any marriage proposals.
Check the Deen and the personality of the current brother and if it is with what you would pick with someone, don't decline that proposal.
Wasalaam
As-salamu alaikum,
You made a choice to marry the other suitor yet your treatment of him is very mean. In your negative behaviour towards him you are undermining every noble effort he is making. This may have a detrimental effect on his self esteem and lead him to behave in a cold manner in the future.
However, having said that, I was of the understanding that engagements are not strictly correct in Islam and marriage should take place as soon as possible. There shouldn't be any socialising as you are not yet husband and wife and to speak romantically is not appropriate at this stage.
With regards to the first guy from a different culture, you should not really have had any interaction with him either. Simply because you didn't do anything physically doesn't mean that through conversations about marriage that emotions didn't run high. As a consequence an attachment to each other developed.
The very reason you are thwarting your prospects of marriage to any man is because of this attachment to the first guy. You need to take a step back and allow yourself to actually be ready for the commitment of marriage.
In my view, having a husband who can support you is of utmost importance. That doesn't mean to say that this is a materialistic or shallow way to think but many relationships have faltered once the romantic sentiments have dissipated. Especially when dealing with the daily humdrum of life and all those onerous but mandatory aspects of life that need to be dealt with, like paying living costs and having some standard of living.
You need to decide what you want. Either let the first guy go from your heart and mind and deal with the other suitor respectfully or just let the other suitor down gently. If the latter is your preferred choice then you need to act quickly, as before you know you will be sitting there in your bridal gown still playing along.
Your parents needed to see that the first guy was stable. Remember they are passing their duty of care for you onto your husband. It is difficult to acquire work for many people, however we don't know here how much effort he applied. If this was the deal breaker, perhaps he could widen his options and simply get any halal income available as a means demonstrating his stability until the right job came along.
Whatever you decide, don't marry anyone for the wrong reasons. Ideally marriage should be a once and done deal that will last a lifetime. For any marriage to stand a chance, there needs to be trust, respect, mutual liking and honesty, governed by an Islamic way of life.
The distance you feel from the deen is a result of your dilemma and the way in which you have carried out these actions ie fraternising with the first guy and then agreeing to commit to the other when you don't want to in your heart.
I agree with your sister. If you're not happy with the guy, don't marry him.
As for the next man, who knows? Maybe there's something about this man that subconsciously bothers your or disturbs you, hence your behavior with him.
In any case, it's not fair to continue treating him badly, and not wise to marry him, as it might continue the same way after marriage, or even get worse, then what will you do?
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
as salaam alaykum,
dear sister and brothers i am in the same situation and iam totally confused.could any one advise me please.im feeling a disaster.
Assalam O Alaikum sister Ruwaida,
Read the advice already given and search the forum for similar posts or else sign-in and submit your question as a separate post with more details and it will be answered on it's turn.
Muhammad1982,
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com
Salaam all
Just an update. Alhamdullillah I prayed a lot. I do not talk to fiancé unless necessary and accordingly to islamic rules. He is so patient with me and in'sha'Allah we are to marry soon. I put things in to perspective. We are so happy so far and only Allah knows about the future.
My advice to all other sisters is life is not a Bollywood or Hollywood movie. There's no songs and dance and eyes crossing the floor and sudden flashes of attraction. It is something that has to be built. If you have everything before marriage then what have you left to discover for later? Nothing. So give yourself something to discover for later. Trust Allah. Trust Him with all you have. My fiancé said he respects more for waiting until we are even married before even personal discussions.
We are chaperoned when wanting to spend time together. Time is a healer and alhamdullillah I no longer think about the previous person. Believe me I completely forgot about this post even. I stumbled across it by chance and reading back what I put I thought "Gosh! Was I that awful to my fiancé!" But SubhanAllah how things change. Trust Islam and follow the proper path. Tawakkul Allah. I pray Allah does that which is best for all yours duniya, deen and akhira and your relations
Salaam Alai'kum