Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I love my husband, but I cheated on him

Betrayal by a loved one is one of the most difficult experiences in life.

Salam brothers and sisters,

I am in need of some advice. I am a happy American woman who converted to Islam by choice 8 years ago. I was proud of myself but I could never get over the hump of learning to read the Quran and praying. I tried and then became lazy.

So I was just your average woman who acknowledged Allah and was thankful, and participated in Ramadan for the past 14 years etc. I have been EXTREMELY happily married for 14 years, and have 2 children. We have been the kind of mushy couple that is always asked if we're honeymooners. We don't fight or argue hardly at all, we are best friends! Honestly stuck at the hip (by choice). Everyone looks up to us. But not in a way that puts pressure on us. We keep to ourselves.

I am currently seeking therapy and counsel with my local Imam for some current and past issues beyond this.

I recently cheated on my husband with another man, for 4 months. I didn't get any satisfaction out of it, it was purely for the other person. Even though my husband doesn't believe this, I understand why he doesn't.

I was caught with this man on the first day before Ramadan (the days the gates to hell close), and since then I have repented HARD. I have learned to pray, taught my daughters how to read the English translation of the Quran all the way, attend the Masjid every Friday and even went daily to Masjid (missing 1 day) during Ramadan.

-maryamlove

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6 Responses »

  1. OP: I recently cheated on my husband with another man, for 4 months. I didn't get any satisfaction out of it, it was purely for the other person. Even though my husband doesn't believe this, I understand why he doesn't......I was caught with this man on the first day before Ramadan (the days the gates to hell close), I have been EXTREMELY happily married for 14 years, and have 2 children............... I have been EXTREMELY happily married for 14 years, and have 2 children.....I am currently seeking therapy and counsel with my local Imam for some current and past issues beyond this.

    Cheating is cheating whether you got any satisfaction from it or not. You did not do it one time, you did it for 4 months. Some thing is missing from your marriage. Why would extremely happy married woman have affair? Is your husband going for therapy with you. Is intimacy missing from your life? D you have affair to prove you are still very attractive.

    What is your question?

  2. Okay.. but what's your question?

    You cheated, the end.

    If you're looking for comfort here just by telling your story, you're not going to get it. I don't blame your husband for not believing anything you're saying or doing. The fact that you are confused as to why your husband isn't understanding, goes to show how you obviously don't understand the depth of destruction cheating can do in a relationship.

    • Spot on.

      Also, something is seriously not adding up with OP's story. How do you go from this:

      EXTREMELY happily married for 14 years, and have 2 children. We have been the kind of mushy couple that is always asked if we're honeymooners. We don't fight or argue hardly at all, we are best friends! Honestly stuck at the hip (by choice). Everyone looks up to us. But not in a way that puts pressure on us. We keep to ourselves

      To this:
      I recently cheated on my husband with another man, for 4 months.

      OP, you are not disclosing any details of anything that might have happened in-between your 'extremely happy marriage' to cheating on your 'stuck-by-the-hip' husband. Very weird.

      It seems to me like, in your mind, you're kinda trying to take responsibility for your actions, but in reality that's not what you're actually doing - because you make comments like these:

      I didn't get any satisfaction out of it

      I don't even understand this comment. Would your cheating be alright if you did get some gratification out of it, or what? lol. It's completely irrelevant what you got out of cheating...the point of the matter is, you cheated.

      You also write:
      it was purely for the other person
      Watch out, everyone - Mother Teresa is in the house. Honestly, it's such a cop-out to put the blame on the other person for YOU and THEM cheating on YOUR husband: "I did it purely for them". Why? Seems like a very bad 'deal' to me: He got to have sex with you and get his needs satisfied, but all you seemingly got out of it is a wrecked marriage, a husband that no longer trusts you, and no orgasms. Sorry for being crude, I didn't know how else to put it. What in your mind made this 'transaction' worthwhile? Especially if we go back to your claim of having pretty much a perfect marriage and husband...and being 'extremely happy'. Again, something is not adding up here. I'm not sure I believe you didn't cheat for your gain and benefit...but Allahu alem, I guess.

      Even though my husband doesn't believe this, I understand why he doesn't.
      Do you really?

      I have repented HARD. I have learned to pray, taught my daughters how to read the English translation of the Quran all the way, attend the Masjid every Friday and even went daily to Masjid (missing 1 day) during Ramadan.
      I find it quite telling that you've spent about 80% of your message listing all the things you do that makes you a good person and a good Muslima. But you share VERY few details about what lead you to cheat on your husband. Which just makes you come across as a person that sees themselves as a victim rather than a perpetrator. I mean, you are the one who's cheated, so a victim, you are definitely not. Part of repenting is to take full responsibility for your mistakes - instead of blaming others and play the victim card. Just because you have learned how to pray, doesn't mean your mind isn't convinced that you were victimised in all of this. Even though you made the decision to crawl into another man's bed. I hope you have been tested for STDs, too. You don't need to make matters worse by potentially spreading STDs to your husband.

  3. OP: I am currently seeking therapy and counsel with my local Imam for some current and past issues beyond this.

    Is therapy working for you? Is local Imam a man? Be careful.

  4. OP: I was caught with this man on the first day before Ramadan (the days the gates to hell close), and since then I have repented HARD.

    How did you meet this man? How did you get caught? How has your husband reacted to this?
    What made you do it just for him?

  5. Assalaamualaykum Mary,

    You cheated. You repented. Your husband is wary of you. From now on, you must prove to your husband that you ARE a changed woman. You have to fully acknowledge your issues in your marriage that led to this behavior. How you two look to the outside world is irrelevant. In these days of Facebook and Twitter, anyone can make themselves LOOK good. It doesn't mean that your relationship is perfect. Talk to your husband (not just your therapist) about your unmet needs that led you to find satisifaction elsewhere. And don't frame it as "I cheated because..." There should never be a "because" when it comes to cheating.

    May Allah guide you and keep you on the right path, Ameen.

    Best,

    Nor

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