Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Cruel and abusive husband, I cannot escape

abuse violent physical beatassalam alykom,

i dont have friends anymore. So all I have is myself as well as no family for support.

when I have problems with my husband I'm pretty much left by myself to defend myself and if he brings in a third party that doesn't side with him he suddenly is no longer friends with them.

my husband has no concept of what love is. It's just a thing to him that he has to perform.

we don't hug and kiss, if I want to touch him it's always been that way. If he is annoyed enough for me kissing him I've been shoved onto the floor before. And then he pretends like it's my fault, and proceeds to tell me I'm not his family, mother or daughter and he only hugs and kisses his mother and kids. Yet when socializing he will kiss cheeks with a woman he doesn't know. Let them call him pet names and him back but I'm not allowed to.

ive given up everything that made me who I am.

i had a chance to launch a product and I could have worked from home. He at first was ok then became enraged saying I was competing with him and kept acting like I was wronging him, so I canceled everything and told him it was just too late even though it was not. The product was ready and I paid for it with my own money and had the licensing and a launch party. I just pretended like it never happened. He brings it up and makes fun of me saying I never finish anything as a joke... when really I couldn't take living with being screamed at because he felt diminished if I had my own business.

He he makes fun of me. Blames what the kids do on me. He never says anything nice but will talk about the women he "almost married" and when I finally just ask him to stop he punishes me like I did something wrong.

he doesn't like how I look. A year into marriage he said I looked weird and told me what he really wanted which crushed me inside and I've not been naked in front of him since then it's been years.

he doesn't intimate sex anyways anymore and I'm not allowed to. I tried to touch him once and he just outright punched me in the center of the chest to push me away.

he is even happier now that I can't walk so I sit here struggling to pull my leg so I can clean the house. He brings his family and they degrade me and make fun of me for not being able to keep it clean and not walking and make my job even harder.

I was doing salat with him in his bedroom, that I no longer call ours because his mother went crazy came in while I did salat slapping me everywhere calling me names and when we stopped I asked her to not do this right now the kids were here and I'm doing salat. I asked her to leave my room and she screamed at me that this is not my room or house it is her sons and I can leave before she ever will. So I did...

he he just made the excuse saying, it's his mom what is he to do. They argued with themselves and he ultimately told me I should just let her do what she needs.

he works and provides for our kids but I'm not treated like his wife. When his mother visits he gets up to make sure she has things... and I'm expected to climb stairs I can't get up to bring her hot tea, it takes me 2 hours.

no one helps me or brings me anything. I have to do it myself otherwise I won't have clothes or food to eat. If I am too sick and sore he will make his mother and the kids food and I'll just be sitting there until I get up and make myself my own dinner.

i struggle so bad

and all I get is made fun of... I had been using crutches and leaning on them but damaged a nerve from leaning on them so now force myself to walk by leaning on the walls or crawling on my knees.

it wasn't an arranged marriage we did not date before we did everything ok.

but I just don't know what to do anymore.

ive prayed for years but it does t help I just believe even less in god or anything.

i wear hijab but it's like an empty shell because I don't feel it anymore. I'm not allowed to have people over and he won't take me out. I can't drive because of my leg and so I've not left the house in over a year. I work on the house and cooking until I'm crying in pain and then sitting down until I can tolerate it again. While he goes out to events and does other stuff on his own and I'm not allowed to have a say or say it's not fair because he said it's not fun for him.

im not allowed to attend mosque and I'm not allowed to go to women's groups. Because he says the women just talk bad with each other and he doesn't let me socialize. If I get upset he bring in "his friends" wife to tell me how horrible I am and that if I were a better wife he would t be embarrassed to take me out or to be seen with me.

i don't own a lot of anything. If I have a phone it's not mine as he has taken phones I've had and given them to his relatives as well as other things I owned.

the days I can't walk at all or even crawl I sit and stare at walls.

i don't paint or anything anymore because he makes fun of it.

And I don't dare consider any money I get mine because he takes it even when I demanded a sheikh he lied and said it was his money as I wasn't allowed to speak. I have inheritance that comes from oil wells that isn't much just a couple hundred a month but he takes it.

i e tried to divorce him but he won't let me out of the house if I try to or gets an imam that tells me to shut up and learn my place.

i tried domestic violence but because I don't meet requirements for women's shelters to work and have the ability to sustain myself I don't have the ability to leave and have a home.

i have a daughter from a previous marriage whom he insists on adopting because he hates her name and wants it changed, which isn't right.

- Sjoyced

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16 Responses »

  1. السلام عليكم ورحمه الله وبركاته

    I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. Your husband is a terrible man for treating his wife so terribly. Rest assured he will be asked about how he treated on in front of Allah on the Day of Judgement with you as a witness. Everyone who have wronged you will face Allah's justice. You, on the other hand, I pray that Allah gives a place in the highest level of Jannah for your patience. I pray Allah grants you more Sabr, and the ability to escape your current situation. Sister, since you have a phone, please call your local authorities so that you may leave the house. Tell them you are being physically, mentally, and psychologically abused. Upon doing so, find an imam so that he may speak to you about your situation and find a solution for your problems. Where do you live? Do you have any friends whom you can contact? Perhaps a kind sister who's unrelated and lives nearby that may assist you? Any trustworthy neighbors?

    On this day of Ramadan, I pray that you find a way out and someone who will assist you.

    May Allah reward you generously and give you someone who deserves you.

    Ameen

  2. Wa alaykumSalam.

    I pray that Allah subhanahuwata'Allah gives you the highest place in Jannah, Ameen!

    Sister, when you know this evil man will be gone to work and wont be back for a long enough time, call the police. He is extremely evil for what he is doing to you right now. He is a psychopath. Call the police over to your house, and tell them its an emergency and when they arrive, tell them everything about this man and how badly he and his family are abusing you. He has no right to lock you up and torture you. Please, call them. Get this guy and his family out of your life. May Allah give you a place in Jannah Al Firdaus sister, Ameen!

    Remember the story of Asiyah (the wife of pharaoh)? Pharaoh burned her, cut her, tortured her severely in different ways because she said i believe in Allah. Despite the luxury, and powerfully rich life she could have lived if she surrendered, she was still willing to be killed for the truth. The oneness of Allah.

    "Allah sets forth an example for those who believe - the wife of Pharaoh who said: “My Lord, build for me a place in paradise near you, and save me from the Pharaoh and his doings, and save me from an unjust people.”} (66:11)

    This was her last words crying to Allah subhanahuwata'alah. SubhanAllah, now she will be enjoying herself in paradise with eternal happiness.

    This is an example to us to be strong and know that Allah is with those who believe and there is no power and might except in Allah.

    May Allah give you someone that will care for you and protect you. May Allah reward you Jannah in a place near him from all of this distress, Ameen.

    • Call the police when he is at work. Remember, it is better if you call the police over to your house. When they arrive, tell them everything about what he and his whole family do to you. This is really serious and it is the only way you will be able to get out of the house. If he locks you up before he leaves the house, just tell the police over the phone. tell them everything he does. Im tearing up while reading this post.

      May Allah help you, protect you and give you a place in Jannah, Ameeen!

      • Please update on how you are doing, dear beloved sister.

        • Sister which country are you from at the moment? If you let us know maybe we will be able to guide you depending on what country you are in currently and what you can do further to protect yourself from this evil man, Insha'Allah.

          May Allah protect you from this evil man, Ameen. This man will be accountable on the day of resurrection for what he has done to you. He will cry out in agony wanting Allah to forgive him for what he has done to you, but Allah wont ever forgive him if you do not forgive him. He will be in Jahhanam if you do not forgive him. Because Allah is just and he will provide justice on the day of Resurrection to every soul.

          Abu hurairah (RathiAllahu Anhu) reported that the Messenger of Allah (Salalahu Alayhi Wasalam) said: "On the day of Resurrection, the rights will be paid to those to whom they are due, so much so that a hornless sheep will be retaliated for by punishing the horned sheep which broke it's horns." (Muslim)

          This Hadith makes it clear the there will be justice on the day of Resurrection. So much so that Allah will redress even fights between two animals and give justice to the one that has been harmed. This is also a severe warning for people. When animals don't have any mind to think with, will not be forgiven, then how will man be forgiven when he does have a mind to think?

          Jabir bin 'Abdullah (RathiAllahu Anhu) Reported: Messenger of Allah (Salalahu alayhi wasalam) said "Beware of injustice, for oppression will be darkness on the day of Resurrection; and beware of stinginess (greed) because it doomed those who were before you. It incited them to shed blood and treat the unlawful as lawful." (Muslim)

          Abu Musa (RathiAllahu Anhu) reported: Messenger of Allah (salalahu alayhi wasalam) said: "Verily, Allah gives respite to the oppressor. But when He seizes him, He does not let him escape." Then he (Salalahu alayhi wasalam) recited, "Such is the Seizure of your Rubb when He seizes the (population of) towns while they are doing wrong. Verily, His Seizure is painful (and) severe." (Quran 11:102) (Hadith: Al bukhari and Muslim)

          Allah Subhanahuwata'alah said: "There will be no friend, nor an intercessor for the Zalimun (polythesists and the wrongdoers), who could be given heed to." (Qur'an 40:18)

          "And for the Zalimum (wrongdoers, polytheists and disbelievers in the oneness of Allah) there is no helper." (Qur'an 22:71)

          Again sister, May Allah give you ease and abundance in good, Ameen.

  3. Aselam u alaikum,

    Dear Sister,
    I sincerely pray that Allah rewards you for your patience and gives you reward for dealing with such a difficult man.
    You shouldn't have to put up with such controlling and manipulative behaviour!

    You story really brought tears to my eyes.
    A man is a protector of a woman. Allah taAla gives men strength so that they can protect their women and their families. If he uses that strength to hurt you, then he is not a real man, I hate to say.

    What country do you reside in, Sister?
    I know of organisations that help victims of domestic violence and they go to great lengths to protect the victim and keep it confidential.
    Please let us know what country you are in so we can try to help direct you to the correct people.
    Could you try calling the police if he is making it difficult for you to leave the house?
    No person should have to live like that. And I'm truly very upset that you have to deal with such disgusting behaviour.

    Please have hope that you will get out of this mess. Have hope and have strength. You've been incredibly strong so far.
    Remember, once the grey skies clear, the sun shines brightly. So there will be good and goodness after this hardship. Allah taAla has promised us ease after hardship. Not once, but twice. (Surah Inshirah)

    May Allah grant you ease and happiness.

    Your sis in Islam
    X

  4. Wallahi sister , I say this from the bottom of my heart, If I could give you my legs just to see you happy again, I would. This man truly does not deserve you or to even call you his wife. And same goes for his family. What you need to do is to call a divorce from this man and just focus on your kids and yourself. Get out of this toxic environment you don't need it. It will not ruin the kids or anything , their father can still come and visit them . Your husband his family are bullies. They leach of on your weakness.

    My mother when she divorced my dad she became a lot more happier. And the same will be for you. It will breath in fresh new life into your body and your kids. I really recommend it in this scenario as your right are denied. And you barely get to live as a human so why not.

    If you're in London and in need of some money I don't mind giving you some to help you out with your situation.

    You will be in my prayers sister

  5. Leave this man, he and his mother are psycho! You deserve happiness. You will find peace after you leave him for good. This kind of environment is not good for your kids. I'll pray for you.

  6. Why anybody is not helping her, just telling her be patient if i was at your place definitely i wipl help her iam 18 that's the problem. I think everyone here are adults lt so help her just saying such things doesn't even matter,she's your sister ask her where she leaves and help her out.Do what least you can do for yourssister she can't even walk.please help her.

  7. You seem to be such a passive person...just reading your post made me super frustrated, I can only imagine how much more frustrated with you your friends and family must be. The root of your problem is that you have abandoned yourself. You have given your husband 100% control over your life, and instead of trying to gain some control back, you are crying and feeling sorry for yourself. You need to woman up and take charge of your own life - as you can see, no one is going to do it for you. Your husband is not going to wake up tomorrow and think to himself, "Actually, I think I will stop being a bully right now and actually allow my wife to think for herself". Your friends are not going to turn into Batman and Superman that fly in through your window and whisk you away from your husband. And your family doesn't give a shit, either...because YOU don't give a shit, yourself.

    You mention A LOOOT of times "my husband doesn't allow me" - again, you need to stop giving him this much control over you. He's not your father, and you are not his 5 year old kid. Why do you need him to allow you to do things? If you want to get a divorce, go file for one. How is he going to stop you? While he's at work, you pack your things and leave and never go back. Finished, the end.

    • Subhanallah " Batman and Superman that fly in through your window and whisk you away" - Everything is a joke to you

      • No, not everything is a joke to me...but yes, I try my best to not be passive, useless and to not complicate matters in life unnecessarily. If a vase is shattered into a million and one pieces, I don't bother sitting down with a tub of superglue for 10 years trying to put every million and one piece of vase together again. I accept my loss and buy myself a new vase. That's my approach to life. I put the effort in where I believe my efforts will make a difference...but when I know I'm just wasting precious time, I choose to move on to better things and new opportunities. I don't call this joking around, I call that being realistic and appreciative of the life I've been given.

        I do hold people up to the same standard, because, believe it or not, I care about people and don't want them to be miserable. Especially when I know their misery purely comes down to their own passiveness.

      • Brother Ahmed Assalam Alaikum. I wish you were in my life to comfort me. You are willing to give your legs to a complete stranger. I know you would have the kindness and compassion to be able to being confort to my life. It is funny how we can feel a connection with the words of perfect stranger but never feel a connection with the ones we are meant to connect with. May Allah bless you. Ameen

        • Al Salaamu Alaykum Sister,

          If you are a married woman, these sentiments are very inappropriate to express to another man, let alone in a public forum. I realize this was written some time ago, but given the sensitive nature of the problems discussed on this site, it's important that we all take care to stay within the boundaries of Allah. We should all remember as well that seeming "connections" with strangers are often deceptive illusions, and be treated with skepticism.

          -Amy
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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