Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Dream about the Prophet (pbuh), now my marriage seems to be done.

Dream interpretation, dream symbolsAssalaam Aleikom. Thank you for this opportunity to get your advice. Apologies from now, this might be long.

At the very beginning of my marriage I had a dream about the Prophet (pbuh). In my dream, he (pbuh) was ready to pick a wife. Me along with hundreds of other women were preparing for him (pbuh) to pick from us. He happened to pick me, and I was shocked, I asked him (pbuh) why me? And he (pbuh) answered "I have my reasons!"

Then continuing the dream, I dreamed that I was telling someone about my dream that just happened within the same dream. I felt incredible and so amazingly special for the Prophet (pbuh) to choose me. I told my husband and he asked around, one person said I should keep doing what I'm doing, another person said this might really happen. Do you happen to know the meaning?

15 years later my husband is very unhappy with me. He swore on the Quran now in Ramadan that he is done with me (did not actually say divorce) and that he will make me pay for all the hurt iv caused him. (I come from a European culture and was raised to talk back), and my talking back is me actually just trying to explain the truth and myself, but he never wants to believe me.

I converted before I married him and i agree with him, i should just say ok and let it be, but I forget sometimes and over the years much stress and misunderstandings have added up. He is very unhappy with me and I cannot prove to him my honest intentions. In his eyes I am a horrible wife. Allah has shown both me and my husband that we are both very special people to Him. He has shown his name to us in the clouds above us, and on our food, and many more undeniable situations like my dream. My husband is a wonderful man and I want to fix myself and my marriage, if not too late, but I am very torn apart between the Prophet's opinion about me in the dream and my husband's opinion about me.

Am I possibly a very bad wife? I've asked myself that question for 15 years. I really don't want to believe that. I've tried consistently (but not very successfully) not to talk back by trying to explain myself to my husband. I have only had good intentions, never to argue, but its hard for me to keep myself in check sometimes because of how i was raised (also I have a very arrogant mother who divorced my father, so I feel like I lack something essential. they are both christian). I am very well aware not to be like my mother, and I believe I have a much better heart than her, I am not arrogant like her (my husband doesn't even want to believe I'm her daughter).

I am very well aware of my issues and I've spent long nights praying that Allah helps me so I may make a good wife and make my husband happy. My husband loves me to death, but he is very tired of me (i'm tired of making mistakes too). I wish he would slow down sometimes and hear me out but everything has unfolded in such a way that he has now a very wrong opinion of me and he basically can't stand me. He has given me endless chances, but he doesn't even want to look at me anymore.

I feel like I have a curse I cannot get rid of so I can stop making my husband angry and be the wife he can be happy with. I like to think I'm very humble, I left all my friends since the beginning because i wanted to dedicate my ENTIRE time to my husband and our children. I breathe for him, I live for him, and I'll die for him. I NEVER go out to hang out or anything like that. I go to work and straight back home because I always want to be with my family. I love my husband like no one else can love theirs. And I'd like to believe that deep down he still feels like that about me, although at this point its very hard to believe that.

Please advise, how do I know who am I really? Someone special or a horrible wife? Was my dream right, or is my husband right? What can I do to be the wife my husband can find peace in, and not leave for a second wife? My biggest concern in life is to be an amazing wife. That's all I want in this life (other than serving Allah). But I can't help to feel like I might be far from that.

I am thankful to you for any advice. This is the first time I have told anyone or asked anyone for help. May Allah keep us all close to him and make things easier on us.

Assalaam Aleikom wrwb.

-BM

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24 Responses »

  1. Assalamu alaikum dear sister

    SubhaanAllah your post was a very interesting read.
    I am not a scholar nor a learned person but I heard that if you see the Prophet (may Allah be pleased with him) in a dream then it is none other than him because none can take his blessed form. Masha Allah. Allahumma bareek laha. Surely your dream must be a blessed one SubhaanAllah, May Allah make the meaning of it a most beautiful one Ameen.

    With regard to your situation with your husband sister I beg Allah for His Mercy to be bestowed upon you both so that eternal love, peace and unity is created between you both and you continue to help one another to strive to improve in deen and duniya.

    One word of advice if I may, when you feel like answering back to your husband or explaining yourself to him, stop for a second and take a deep breath, read some door ie SubhaanAllah and smile to yourself that you have overcome your anger. Later in a suitable time while in conversation give a very short explanation if you still feel the need to. Also let him know very briefly that you appreciate him overlooking your many faults for the sake of Allah just as you also overlook his faults though they are only few.

    Train yourself to speak less at times of contention. Perhaps it may be good if you very slowly and gradually occasionally go out once in a while and visit your deeni friends, that way you are not constantly feeling pressure at home and can laugh and release stress with your lady friends.

    May Allah make it easier for you and guide you to whatever is best for you.

    I would like to request to you sister and anyone reading this please remember me and my children in your duas, may Allah reform and unite my husband with us, answer my duas and guide me to do what is best for us in our situation too. Ameen

    • Making Dua for you sister Khadijah. May Allah make your test easy and resolve your turmoil soon. Ameen.

      • Ameen. JazhakhAllahu khairan for your duas my dear sister, may Allah reward you for your efforts and accept your duas. I feel truly blessed by your kind words Alhamdulillah

    • Assalamu alaikum my dear sisters Khadijah and MA,

      I thank you so much for your prayers, wisdom and wonderful advice. You are both very right, I need to hold my tongue every time, and remember our Prophet's advice (pbuh) to be like water when the other is on fire.

      Khadijah thank you for all of your advices and for reminding me to let my husband know how thankful I am to him and how much I appreciate that he is overlooking my flaws. I forget sometimes that our husbands want to know and feel that we are more grateful to them than we show sometimes. I will keep you in my prayers and make many duas for you, and hope that you will be blessed with reunion with your husband, and that Allah will guide you and help you and your family.

      And MA thank you as well for all of your advices and for reminding me that shaytan is always waiting for that opportunity to make all things worse and that we can't let him do that to us. We need to stay strong, patient and wise so we may strive and keep our marriages strong. As they say, behind every strong man there is a strong woman. And some of our strength lies NOT in our tongues to talk back to our husbands, but to keep peaceful no matter how much we are tempted to say something. You are right, there is never resolution with anger. And I pray to Allah that we will never reach divorce.

      I am so grateful that we crossed paths. You have both helped me a lot, and have given me much peace and hope, Alhamdullillah. I will keep you in my prayers, and may Allah raise you high and award you with many blessings.

      Assalamu alaikum wrwb.

  2. Assalamualaikum

    While I am not a dream interpreter nor a scholar, both of whom you can and probably should consult, I think it may mean that if you have patience in this Duniya, then maybe you will be blessed in the Akhira as the beloved prophets (s) wife or a similar status. So in your marriage you may have to practice patience with your husband. I am American Pakistani and I also “talk back” to my husband, which irritates every man whether western or not. For the record he is American born desi as well. However, I do stay quiet when he is angry. There is no use in both being angry at the same time nothing is resolved and it’s best to talk when each party has cooled down.

    Sister, make Dua that Allah grants the blessings in your marriage as He blessed Khadijah (R) and Prophet Muhammad (s). Remember shaytan rejoices when a seed of doubt is placed in a marriage and his goal is to break up marriages to earn a high status amongst the devils. I highly doubt divorce should be a goal especially if there is no physical or outrageous emotional abuse involved. You said that your husband loves you and with communication you guys inshaaAllah can work it out.

    Good Luck.
    Making Dua.

  3. Assalamu alaikum my dear sisters Khadijah and MA,

    I thank you so much for your prayers, wisdom and wonderful advice. You are both very right, I need to hold my tongue every time, and remember our Prophet's advice (pbuh) to be like water when the other is on fire.

    Khadijah thank you for all of your advices and for reminding me to let my husband know how thankful I am to him and how much I appreciate that he is overlooking my flaws. I forget sometimes that our husbands want to know and feel that we are more grateful to them than we show sometimes. I will keep you in my prayers and make many duas for you, and hope that you will be blessed with reunion with your husband, and that Allah will guide you and help you and your family.

    And MA thank you as well for all of your advices and for reminding me that shaytan is always waiting for that opportunity to make all things worse and that we can't let him do that to us. We need to stay strong, patient and wise so we may strive and keep our marriages strong. As they say, behind every strong man there is a strong woman. And some of our strength lies NOT in our tongues to talk back to our husbands, but to keep peaceful no matter how much we are tempted to say something. You are right, there is never resolution with anger. And I pray to Allah that we will never reach divorce.

    I am so grateful that we crossed paths. You have both helped me a lot, and have given me much peace and hope, Alhamdullillah. I will keep you in my prayers, and may Allah raise you high and award you with many blessings.

    Assalamu alaikum wrwb.

    • Ameen.

      JazhakhAllahu khairan for your kind words and heartfelt duas my dear sisters MA and BM. Reading your comments made my eyes fill with emotion, it soothes my paining heart and gives me even more hope that Allah will answer our call. I also feel blessed to have crossed paths with you both. In the last 10 nights of Ramadhan, I pray that both of your marriages are blessed with eternal love, peace and compassion and may the beauty that you both have within you incur countless blessings and rewards from Allah.

      Ameen

      • Thank you my dear sister Khadijah for all of your prayers, I am honored that some of my words (Allah has inspired me with) have brought some peace in your heart, Alhamdulillah. I prayed for you a lot and I keep praying for you. And I also keep praying for all of us sisters that are struggling in these situations and that Allah may guide us on the right path and blesses us with the mercy of our husbands' hearts. I really hope Allah makes it easier, for only He can make the difficult easy. And only He can erase the anger we have caused our husbands.
        I don't mean to be out of place, and if you don't mind, I would really like you to please let me know if your husband comes back to you. I keep you in my heart all the time and wonder. I would love to hear the good news if and when it comes, and InshAllah it will come and it will be sooner than later (if not already so).

        I am still struggling with my marriage. It looks like I might need more time. Sometimes it is very hard to have hope, but I have to keep reminding myself and us sisters to trust in Allah, for He knows best what is good for us and He knows best how to resolve all problems. I also try to remind myself that Allah gives the harderst battles to his strongest soldiers, and hopefully by humbling ourselves to repent and do our best He can rise us high knowing what is truly in our hearts. Sometimes I get very confused as to why things unfold the way they have, but this is Allah's plan and I / we have to remember that everything is for a reason and we have to always trust Allah with out question and just say Alhamdulillah, no matter what.

        I could use some duas for braking bad habits (talking back) I dont know any, do you or anyone else happen to know? I could really use them. I am very tired of my habit and I dont know why I can't just shake it off and leave it behind. I feel cursed sometimes. Is there a way of knowing if I am cursed? Or am I going too far? Sometimes I feel so lost, I dont know anymore. But I have to say Alhamdulillah and put my entire trust in Him.

        Salaam Aleikom wrwb.

        • Asalamualaykum Sister BM,

          May Allah repair the small problems in your marriage such that your current distress is a distant memory, Ameen.

          You probably talk back a lot because you were often put in a defensive position by your family of origin. Parents aren't perfect and they sometimes worry that they will not get the last word (which they think is best for you and are often right), so they talk over you, raise their voice, disregard your opinion, etc. Does any of that sound familiar?

          If so, don't be too hard on yourself, as this is the natural reaction that was engrained in you. When you're ready, try to sit with your feelings when your husband says something you want to react to. Sit and feel your feelings instead of reacting. You'll soon learn that while you feel anxious, you are very capable of just sitting with this anxiety...it hurts but it's not the end of the world. Over the course of time, your husband too will notice your change and will be less prone to angering you.

          Hugs,

          Nor
          IslamicAnswers

          • Waaleikom Assalaam dear Nor,
            I thank you for your response, for you have brought up a good point. You are right I need to just sit on my feelings without reacting. I know this might be hard, but I should be strong and able to manage.

            One thing I do want to point out though, you are completely right that my parents, and mostly my mom always had the final word and didn't spend time to consider my feelings EVER. But the worst thing is she always had the final word with my dad and that is what has ingrained in me. She is arrogant and always acted like she knew best and better than my dad. I believe this was the root of my problem (although slightly different because I dont think i know better than my husband, i just start defending myself). And I have known for a long time not to be arrogant like that, and that husbands have the final word.

            The only reason I am hard on myself is because I should know better by now, and I should have grown out of that. This is the part I am struggling with is breaking that habit that has been ingrained in me. And another reason why I am hard on myself is because I know forgetting comes from shaytan and I was forgetting too much to hold my tongue at the wrong time. So I fell for shaytan's deceit every time and I failed Allah's test every time. I actually like to believe I am not arrogant like my mom, maybe defensive like my dad? Maybe a little of both at the beginning. But I am not arrogant anymore I have erased that from my heart a long long time ago from the very beginning of our marriage. I just have to stop being defensive now and sit on those feelings like you said.

            My husband knows my background and all of this, and this is exactly why he has been patient with me all these years, but I understand him that by now this should have been resolved within me from a long time ago. And I agree, it should have been, which is why I feel cursed because I havent been able to when I want to and try to soooooo much. Sometimes I feel like I would never be able to become the wife he wants. And this is THE ONLY THING he is asking from me "Hold my tongue"! NOTHING ELSE, he has no other problems with me what so ever. He loves me so much but's it's been too long and I don't blame him.

            But you are right, instead of being hard on myself, I should take a different approach, be patient with my feelings and REMEMBER to hold my reactions no matter what.

            Thank you dear Nor, Alhamudulillah your words have given me much peace and strength for going forward.

            Thank you for the hugs, giving many many hugs back!

            Asslaam Aleikom wrwb

          • Asalamualaykum Sister BM,

            Thank you for your reply. It helps me to understand your situation even better. You write that "the only reason I am hard on myself is because I should know better by now, and I should have grown out of that."

            Sister...Healing takes time...an entire lifetime in some cases. There is no timeline for when this should happen. It varies person to person. Don't get caught in Shaytan's trap of comparing your journey to anyone else's.

            Why would I urge you to give yourself all the time you need...even a lifetime? Because no effort taken for love is lost to Allah. Allah knows the effort that you are putting in for your husband, and where you are on your journey.

            Once you realize this, you stop feeling the need to prove yourself to someone like your husband. You stop feeling the need to explain why you feel the way you feel. Sure, it wouldn't hurt your husband to lend a listening ear once in awhile, but you are very knowledgeable and compassionate towards him due to his childhood experiences.

            I cannot fault you for this in the least, as I believe from the bottom of my heart that everyone deserves love and everyone deserves a partner in life. There are all kinds of afflictions out there...personality disorders, "fleas" (when a child 'picks up" some traits from an unhealthy parent), anger management problems, you name it. If everyone would abandon those who have these conditions, no one would be married! I mean, I'm exaggerating, but you know what I mean.

            I wish the best to you on your journey to find self-love. It is a harrowing yet rewarding path to take. Allah will help you and guide you every step of the way.

            Best to you 🙂

            Nor
            IslamicAnswers

          • Thank you dear sister Nor, your words have helped me a lot. You are very right. I am just afraid that it will be too late and I could have fixed this before it's too late. I dont think my husband deserves for me to take my time.....if you know what I mean. I think it's already too late. But I will keep in mind your advise and try not to be too hard on myself.

            Assalaam aleikom, may Allah send many blessings your way.

          • Sister BM,

            You are most welcome. I wish you the best 🙂

            Nor
            IslamicAnswers

          • Thank you so much dear sister Nor, I wish you the best as well.

            Today Allah has shown me a little bit of light. Alhamdulillah a miliion times. Now it is time for me to do my part. InshaAllah everything will be ok. Everything is for a reason what ever may happen.

            Many many many blessings to you and everyone else here. May Allah guide us all and help us all and give us all strength to pass His tests.

            My prayers to EVERYONE. May Allah make it easy on everyone in need. May Allah forgive us all.
            I have been reading everyone's post (just havent had time to give my feedback, I dont even think i was in my right state to give advices)

            But I am praying for EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU.
            I wish you all for your hearts to be filled with patience, peace, strength and ease.

            Many blessings
            Asalaam Aleikom wrwb.

          • Sister BM,

            Glad to hear that you were shown some light. Focus on that and you will be fine, Inshallah. And thank you so much. I wish you and everyone the same duas. Ameen.

            Nor
            IslamicAnswers

  4. SubhanAllah. Sister BM, I had a totally different reaction to your post than everyone else here. Your husband has been gaslighting you for 15 years and you have fallen for it hook, line and sinker. He is the one with the anger and trust issues. He is the one who is accusing and controlling. He is the one who is emotionally and verbally abusive. You are his emotional punching bag, not because you have done anything wrong, but because it's part of his personality. Abusing you meets some twisted need in him. There are many men like this.

    Yet he has convinced you that it's your fault. Why? Because when he falsely accuses you of something and you try to explain the truth as you have said, you are "talking back."

    You other commenters advising her on how to avoid talking back, what is the matter with you people?? She is not a five year old child. She is a grown woman. Why on earth shouldn't she "talk back"? Do you think a wife is supposed to be a mannequin or a statue, silent in the face of accusations and abuse? Can you imagine that your spouse constantly accuses you of something you did not do, and you simply nod your head and say, "Yes, sir. I'm sorry sir." ?? What kind of a life would that be?

    Aisha (RA) was known to be an opinionated wife Yet the Prophet (sws) never accused her of being a bad wife, never chastised her, never raised his voice against her. Instead he loved her and treasured her. Because he was a real man, not in insecure, controlling abuser.

    Sister, the warning flags are there.You cut yourself off from all your friends. RED FLAG. That is neither necessary or reasonable. A woman has a right to have good female friends. Abusers always isolate their victims in this way so they can control them more effectively, and because they are jealous and suspicious by nature.

    You don't go out of the house. RED FLAG.
    You feel no love from your husband. RED FLAG.
    You say you live, breathe and will die for him. RED FLAG. (Is he your God? This is how we are supposed to feel about Allah, not our spouses!)

    What are these mistakes you say you're tired of making? What are the terrible things you do to anger your husband and make him despise you? My guess is that they are trivial things that would not bother a normal man. They are excuses for your husband to put you down. It's not about what you have done. It's about his need to dominate and abuse. You could be the most meek, submissive, hard-working wife (and I suspect you have been) and he would still find fault with you.

    Also, though you have not said so, I would not be surprised if he puts you down verbally? Calls you names like worthless, stupid, etc? Am I right?

    You've been gaslighted. I would tell you to turn the tables, to resume your friendships, stand up for yourself, stop accepting blame for everything. But this will most likely enrage your husband and end in divorce. Still, you could try. Because the alternative is to go on suffering for the rest of your life. If doing the right thing ends in divorce then it is his fault, not yours.

    I think you dream is a key piece of information. The Prophet appeared to you to show you that you are a good woman and a good wife. So who are you going to believe? The Prophet, or your abusive husband?

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Assalam Aleikom brother Wael,

      Thank you for your insight, for you have given me much to think about. And I agree with you about many things that would be true, I really do, however with other people. I don't believe this is the case in our marriage. At least not entirely. Our marriage is a little bit different and I will explain why. (you would be 100% correct if this was any other couple)

      First I want to apologize to everyone and mostly to Allah If I had portrayed my husband to be a controlling one. May Allah forgive me for I never meant to say anything bad about him. I feel very guilty if I had said anything to make it seem that way. Here HE is the victim, not me. Or maybe we both are, but him more so than me.

      First I want to mention that my husband had a very rough and very tough childhood, and you can say he basically raised himself. I dont want to get into details it's complicated because it was not his parents fault, they are WONDERFUL people ( i love them more than my own parents), just a lot he went through in his childhood. However, he has managed to grow SO MUCH and become SUCH a strong person with an incredible iman. It is undeniable how much Allah loves him and has risen him so high. And his past has shaped him to be a WONDERFUL person, not a controlling husband. Yes we all have flaws but his flaws are not like the flaws of other men in his situation. Yes he might have said some hurtful things sometimes, but that was only out of anger. Most people do that. And I never took that personal. He actually has very very little flaws. If he was not a human (where we all know we have to have flaws) I would be saying he has no flaws.

      And this is why he is not controlling:

      You mentioned the red flags, but I believe you might have misunderstood me (my apologies) - ALL THESE ARE MY CHOICES!!

      -"You cut yourself off from all your friends. RED FLAG" - My choice, he has NEVER told me not to have friends. The reason why I chose this is because I converted and I didint want to be influenced anymore by my old friends (and had no new muslim friends) AND i wanted to be available for my family (him and my kids) 24/7 at home. AND i love my family so much I would much rather spend time with them than with other people. (just who I am. ) I still keep in touch from time to time with a few friends, but I dont want to waste my time, I would rather be home (just who I am) My husband NEVER EVER EVER told me not to have friends. (obviously just not to have guys as friends, which i agree with 100% and this was never an issue)

      -"You don't go out of the house. RED FLAG." - again My choice (as I mentioned above why) And i want to further clarify, I like to go out with my husband and do things with him (which we do from time to time) I do not like to waste my time with people I barely know. If I had been able to find sisters to spend some time with, I probably would (but again to the minimum, just who I am and how I prefer) AND I have to mention here that my husband does the exact same thing. He rarely goes out to lunch with friends and he rarely gets out of the house for the same reason as me. We like to spend time with each other more than we do with other people. This has always been like that and I am actually eternally great-full to Allah that me and my husband have this connection.

      -"You say you live, breathe and will die for him. RED FLAG. (Is he your God? This is how we are supposed to feel about Allah, not our spouses!)" - Of course, here you are 100% correct, but I didnt mean it as if I put my husband in front of Allah. I do fell much much stronger about Allah, i just wanted to portray how much I love him (of course Allah always comes first) And I would die for him, because he would die for me.

      - "That is neither necessary or reasonable. A woman has a right to have good female friends. Abusers always isolate their victims in this way so they can control them more effectively, and because they are jealous and suspicious by nature." - As I mentioned before, dont mean to be repetitive, my husband is not this person, as this is my choice. He would never isolate me in the house, he has always encouraged me to find some Muslim sisters so I may learn better from them. I just can't seem to find any or sometimes find the time to look for any.

      You also mentioned "She is not a five year old child. She is a grown woman. Why on earth shouldn't she "talk back"?"
      Brother you are so right about that. I really agree with you on this, but in my situation I DO have the right to talk, I just need to wait for a better time when my husband puts out his fire and I dont keep adding to it. He always tells me I can talk to him, he just wants me to wait until later. And because I know his past I want to be a good wife and give him that. I want to be understanding and help him stay in peace, instead of angering him more. I want him to find peace in me, not run away from me. And I believe it would make me very arrogant and selfish if I don't give him that, for that is the ONLY THING he wants from me. And he very much deserves that. I believe every woman as you said has the right to stand up for herself and explain herself, but in my case it has to be at the right time. I don't have the heart to drive our marriage to a divorce. I believe it would be my fault if we reach a divorce and Allah hates divorce, so I wouldn't be able to live with myself. My mom divorced my father out of arrogance and selfishness, instead of trying to help my father and their marriage. I understand sometimes divorce might be necessary, but I don't think Allah wants that for me and my husband. I believe all of this is for us to learn and grow our iman and help eachother instead of leave eachother.

      It makes me very happy to hear that I might be just a little bit like Aisha (RA) opinionated, for I know she was am amazing woman. And that shows I might have some good sense in some things, but I would never come close to reach her greatness. She probably knew when to stop talking, how to speak and when was the best time 🙂 And I'd like to believe what you said that I really am a submissive hard-working wife, and I also believe and hope my husband knows that too, at least deep down in his heart. And he has told me that he knows im special in Allah's eyes because of my dream. He just doesn't know why I can't shake my habit off. And blames me for not knowing better after all these years. (isn't he right?)

      The mistakes I am tired of making is not waiting to talk to him later at a better time and instead I just run my mouth trying to explain myself. Maybe this shouldn't bother him, but given his past I need to be understanding and help him stay in peace. I believe in my situation it would actually be the best thing to say "yes husband" and walk away. Because he has never taken away my right to talk to him, I just have to wait.

      My apologies this was so long, I hope I have made things more clear. He is not the issue, my impatience is. This is why I want to get rid of my bad habit and I believe everything will be fine. Which is why I feel cursed that no matter how hard I try I cannot break my habit. But I will stay strong and keep praying to Allah that he will give me the strength, patience and MEMORY so i stop forgetting to hold my tongue at the wrong moments.

      Thank you brother Wael, for you have brought up so many good points, and you are right about it.

      My apologies if I have portrayed my husband the wrong way, may Allah forgive me. He truly is an amazing man and I fell incredibly blessed and so lucky to end up with him as my husband. I would never want another man, or even think there is anyone better for me out there, because I strongly believe Allah has matched us for a reason. I believe Allah wants to raise me ( and him) higher and I that was a lesson for me to learn.

      My deepest thanks to your advise and your good intentions. May Allah bless you. You have given me a lot of hope, believe it or not 🙂

      Asalaam aleikom wrwb.

    • Brother Wael,
      Assalaam Aleikom,
      I would like to request that you delete my post and all the comments related. I am ready to move on my own at this point, I have gotten many amazing advices from the wonderful people here. However I would like to delete everything as I would like to keep this private and don't want it to stay on the internet (I dont want this to potentially cause me problems in the future, as I didnt expect this is going to stay permanently here). I tried deleting it but the action did not seem to work. (it only deleted one comment) Kindly please delete everything.

      Thank you to everyone, I appreciate all of your great advises as you have given me much help and hope.

      Asallaam Aleikom wrwb.

    • Brother Wael,

      Thank you for correcting us. My advice was indeed more applicable to a parent/child situation, and sometimes even a parent/adult child situation. My hope though, was that if she applies the same sort of patience with her husband, that he may soften up a little. Nobody wants to be bad.

      And Allah knows best,

      Nor
      IslamicAnswers

  5. Al salaamu alaykum wa rahmatuAllahi wa barakatuh,

    I see there are a wide variety of perceptions related to this post. And I think I might bring another, in shaa Allah. But first of all I would like to separate the dream from the marriage from the identity of self- these are, in fact, not inherently related to one another.

    1. Your dream about the Prophet (saws) is a blessing, alhamdulillah. It's something that you should treat as a jewel, meaning you should not speak casually about this to many people, because some may become envious, or some doubtful, or others may esteem you in ways that it wasn't meant to be for. The meaning of the dream, I believe, is the one your heart and soul can sense deep down, and that is the meaning you should cling to despite any other feedback from others.

    2. Your marriage situation is what the bulk of your post was about. I am not entirely convinced the main problem is your bad habit of talking back, nor am I entirely convinced your husband is abusive and the root of the entire problem. You said very little substantive information for me to draw a clear conclusion about either of these things- there were no examples of how you "talking back" actually looks, and there are no specific things you mentioned about why he is displeased with you besides that. I am not even sure what culture he is from, although you mentioned your own. And yes, that does make a difference with things.

    I can say with some degree of certainty, however, that your husband doesn't trust you. I can say this because you said you are always having to prove your honest intentions to him. If someone has good intentions, and that is not readily seen by the person they are living with day in and out, then there are clearly trust issues there. And unfortunately, marital problems that are arising out of mistrust won't resolve until the mistrust is resolved. Usually the odds don't work out in that favor, because being mistrusting usually serves a protective purpose, and most mistrusting people cannot tolerate the level of vulnerability required to overcome their imbalance. Until your husband can resolve his mistrust, he will continue to see you as a threat, which means he will continue to complain about things pertaining to you. It does NOT mean that those things are actually threatening flaws within you.

    Which brings me to the last point:

    3. You are not really grounded in who you are, and that is your real dilemma here. If you were, you wouldn't rely on the trust of others, the treatment of others, dreams, or even your own ability to become a better person to value yourself. Your value is a fixed thing, determined by Allah. And it is your connection with Allah (not Allah's connection with you and your husband as a married couple) that will reveal to you the value you have. That is where you need to focus, and that is where you are not only going to find the answers to all your questions and problems, but also where you will find an experience of complete satisfaction with yourself that no one else can destroy or add to. And once you are clear about who you really are in Allah's eyes, then you will know how to respond to your husband, what choices are right for you, and be able to accept any tests or unfortunate outcomes that you may face in the future.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Amy, very insightful and balanced response. Thank you.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Asallam Aleikom dear sister Amy,

      I am so grateful for your post and your advice. Alhamdullilah you did bring a different prospective of things and gave me much to think about. You are probably completely correct that my husband does not trust me. But that is probably because of my communication issue with him and how i have chosen the wrong time and wrong way to prove myself to him. I do want him to believe my words instead of my wrong actions sometimes, which brings me to your other point.

      We do come from a completely almost opposite cultures. I come from a christian european culture where we talk loud, we talk over each other and so forth (not to say all christian europeans are like this, I dont mean to be offensive, there are many people from that culture i have seen that are the opposite and so good like angels). And he comes from an Islamic Arabic culture where as we all know is the correct one for us to follow and for me to follow. I have been aware of this for a while, and I have been trying to bury/eliminate the wrong ways of my culture / family. And I know everything is for a reason but sometimes I wish I was raised in his culture and by my mother in law instead. Never the less, maybe this makes me a stronger person to be able to (or at least try to overcome that hardship) And Alhamdulillah infinity times that Allah has shown me and guided me to the truth and the right way and that I converted.

      My husbands only issue with me is that I chose the wrong time to explain myself, and probably how I go at it. He has consistently told me to wait for the right time when he is no longer upset and has calmed down. He has never been abusive. I kind of blame myself for his mistrust in me because of how I react. I think this is an issue I have to fix. I have to be careful with the things I say and how I explain myself so he may get my point and the right picture of me. I think this is also my fault, thank you for bringing that up, it helps me understand myself more 🙂 He is always willing to hear me out, just at the right time. I am the one with the communication issues. Maybe if I can change my way of communicating he will better see the true person I am, and thus be able to trust me.

      Your 3 point is dead on. I used to be confident (and probably arrogant in my early childhood like my mom has raised me, please read the post I replied to brother Wael, it will give you a better sense of myself and the kind of mother/family I come from) Then when I converted I realized the wrong ways I have been doing things and have tried to (or believe i have) to humble myself and not act arrogant in any possible way. And believe it or not I dont even think I was ever as arrogant like my mother, my husband doesnt even want to believe I am her blood. He kept insisting I take a DNA test (of course joking) to prove I am not her daughter. He always told me I am nothing like her (other than the fact that I "talk back" or "talk at the wrong time" and dont always let him have the final word). That is the only thing my husband whats me to change about myself. It seems that somewhere I have maybe confused, misunderstood or completely missed the difference between confidence / high self esteem, because for a log time I have had very little self esteem, I dont believe I am capable of more (partly because I feel cursed that I cannot stop my habit) I don't believe in my true self and my true capabilities. And believe it or not, my husband doesnt understand why I believe very little in myself. He always tells me I am so smart and such a good person. Once he compared me to a person who graduated form the best most prestigious university and then chose to be a cashier. He believes in me so much and thinks so highly of me, but I don't believe in myself.

      And probably the biggest reason why I dont believe in myself is because I cannot break a "simple habit" I mean how hard can that be, especially after 15 years, after all that sweat and tears, I still cant stop my habit? So many times I have wondered what's wrong with me. And this is why I thought I might have brought some curse upon me or something. But my husband keeps assuring me that it is not a curse, because Allah has brought me to the right path by converting me to Islam and that I am a special person for that in Allah's eyes. And that this could be bad eyes from other people, or something. And that I have to stop thinking like that and believe in myself. You are 100% right, I have to figure out a way to believe in my true self. I know I have a very good heart, and I always have the best of best intentions for my husband and family and everyone else. I have to sit on this for a while. If you or anyone has more insight on this, I would be greatly thankful.

      My last thing I would like to mention, about my dream. I have never told anyone else other than my husband the the two friends he asked about my dream. It was only us 4 people who knew about my dream for 15 years until now. And now you guys know, but I only talked about it with the purpose to find myself and who am I. NEVER to brag. I dont like bragging at all because of the exact same thing you said. I try very hard to stay away from jealous eyes. I hope I didn't come off as bragging about my dream. May Allah forgive me if I came off like that.

      May Allah bless you. Thank you for your advice.

      Asalaam Aleikom wrwb.

      • Al salaamu alaykum wa rahmatuAllahi wa barakatuh,

        I just wanted to make a couple of comments, if I may. First, we don't delete posts. So while it's understandable that you want to ensure there are no problems caused by your question, we leave the posts up because sometimes other people find themselves in very similar situations, and the posts from previous individuals often help.

        I wanted to tell you that I am a western convert, and I currently live in an Arab country. I know very, very well about the cultural differences that can come into play between people who are coming from different backgrounds, even when both are trying very hard to be adaptable to one another, even if they are immersing themselves in the alternative culture to a degree they are no longer similar to the one they came from. I can validate what you said by confirming that in Arab culture, many Arab men would rather discuss issues a certain way, which happens to be a way that westerners are not entirely used to. However, there are exceptions. It is possible to have a marriage to an Arab man, and he doesn't expect that or see it as a problem at all. Believe me, many Arab women are very outspoken, sometimes more than western women are, and the Arab men learn to live with it somehow, haha.

        The thing is, the tendency westerners have to talk at the time of a situation going on is because there is a need for validation and being heard that gets met when it is received well. So you doing what comes naturally to meet your needs is not a bad thing, or even a sinful thing per se. It just is a mismatched thing to what his own need may be at the time, which may be to have no stress, or to feel in control. The point I want to make is that in a healthy relationship, regardless of which cultures are in it, both parties are making an equal effort to balance the meeting of needs for both individuals.This doesn't look like one doing all the accommodating, and the other doing all the tolerating. It means both are actively looking for ways to get their needs met outside of the patterns that don't seem to work.

        The final thing I want to say is that from my perspective as a therapist- I see you have a high level of sophisticated defensiveness. You are very skilled at rigidly defining the problem, leaving very little opening for a solution to come into it, except if it fits what you've predetermined the solution to be. I am telling you as a professional, in real life, true solutions have to come the way they have to come. The healthiest of us should be flexible and open to accept a solution that may not be what we wanted or expected, as long as we are assured it will be valid and effective. I am concerned that as long as you have such an elaborate construct of both the problem and the solution, you will perhaps overlook more lethal problems, or more successful solutions.

        -Amy
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  6. Amy and Sister BM,

    "And once you are clear about who you really are in Allah's eyes, then you will know how to respond to your husband, what choices are right for you, and be able to accept any tests or unfortunate outcomes that you may face in the future."

    This is key and very well-stated MashaAllah. It really isn't about him or us or anyone else...it's about what makes YOU feel uplifted and at peace.

    Hugs,

    Nor
    IslamicAnswers

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