Forced marriage; Should I accept the strange guy or fight to be with my Bf?
Forced marriage is prohibited in Islam
Salaam alaikum,
I've been with a guy now for about 6 months and we love each other after getting to know each other we decided to get married he talked to his father an his father agreed to talk to my dad. My dad said yes the first time but BF's dad wanted to wait a while because my BF had a court case and they wanted to close the case first.
Right when they were coming to talk to my dad a guy that is close to my family came and proposed to me I said no 3 times that I did not want to get married with him but my dad said if I do not agree to marrying him he will not give my hand in marriage to anyone else. I really just want to get out of his house already so I agreed to the strange guy.
But couple days later I changed my mind and said I only want to get married to my BF and his dad came to my dad again but my dad said no that broke my heart. My bf suggested we run away but I don't want to because I don't want to disobey my parents because Allah ordered me not to. I don't know what to do should I just accept the strange guy or fight to be with my Bf?
Rahma1993.
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Salam sister,
In my opinion I think you should go with your father choice. To me the guy you like doesn't look he is strong about his islam and deen but you know it's wrong which is good. He is suggesting which is unislamic and sin. If your future husband suggest like this before married then I can make a picture that you will face different types of problem in your married life.
Do isthikhara, pray to allah to guide you in right way and forgive all your sins.
Sister, no one can force you to get married- not even your parents.
If you are not comfortable with a man, do no agree to it, because marriage is not a joke and you do not enter it hoping that later you will be comfortable and will eventually like him- while thinking about the previous fellow. This is a disaster in the making.
If you are not comfortable, you need to put your foot down and say no. Marriage is a lifetime commitment, and if for any reason your gut is not attracted to him dont do it, because it will not be fair to the gentleman if your heart is occupied otherwise. Also, in marriage comes responsibilities, and if you hate the man you marry how can you be intimate with him and live him on a daily basis- it just doesn't work!
Hope that helps and there is no such thing as forced marriage is Islam- no threats, no punishment should be given if you dont like a man. Its your right to choose whom you marry.
I 100% agree with you. Putting foot down and being firm on "NO" at present is far more better than regretting for your whole life.
Assalaamu'alaikum Wa Rahmatoullaahi Wa Barakaatuh...
Respected Sister its just simple. Like our Sister Nadia said...perform Salaatul Istikhaarah, thats it. Allah Ta'ala will show you to make the right decision. And one of the most important thing that Sister Samira mentioned is if you feel uncomfortable with the guy, don't make the move. But according to me its just because you have confine yourself by putting in your mind that your so-called BF is the right and only guy to be with you all your life. Thats why you'll feel uncomfortable. It can be that your BF is the right guy but your beginning is wrong. There is no such thing about love before marriage or boyfriend and so on. So, Alhamdulillah you are an intelligent Sister, ponder on this; if your input is wrong, will your output be good. So your beginning is wrong by involving yourself in Haraam stuffs.
Your only way out right now is Salaatul Istikhaarah, thats it. Whatever happen next, Alhamdulillah it will khair for you Sister. Don't ever think if you'll be with your boyfriend mean you'll be happy, nah...never. To be happy, it depends on Allah Azza Wajal. So, finally we conclude that even you don't marry your BF, that doesn't mean you won't be Happy in life & maybe this will come to your mind that how you'll face BF afterwards when you marry someone else!!! This is not in your capacity, this you leave it to Allah Ta'ala. Whether your BF think of you as a bad girl because you left him for someone else and so on, don't worry...its just a test from Almighty Allah Subhaanahu Wa Ta'ala. So, be patient.
So perform the Salaatul Istikhaarah, you have it here of this website how to perform it, so don't waste time Sister. May Allah Ta'ala give you the best of Husband, who is khair for your Deen and preserve your Imaan.
Take Care...Sorry if i have offense you, didn't mean too.
Allah Ta'ala know best...
Assalaamu'alaikum Wa Rahmatoullaahi Wa Barakaatuh...
Thank you sister for your advice. Istikharaa is very important!
First make istikharaa, and then follow what you think is the right choice.
Trust that Allah has a plan for you, it may not be the current "boyfriend" (which is not encouraged my dear sister), but it can be someone better. So dont go doing rash things like running away, etc- that does not do anyone any good in the long run and only makes your relationship more inappropriate and quite immature/childish. Running away is a fantasy, in life you need your parents and his parents support, "love" or lust i should say will not make a healthy marriage.
I wish you all the best my dear and do consider what is best for you in this life and the hereafter sister.
Sister,
Perform Istikhara and really think long and hard about your future. Not the here and now, today or tomorrow yet...your future and what lies ahead. Think about both of these brothers and ask yourself, "what do each of these brother have to offer me?" Look at their education, job (if their working), financially stable and able to support you and so forth. These are important factors to look at when considering a potential spouse.
Salam
Salaam alaikum to all.
Well things have changed since I posted that form. I agreed to marry the guy my parents want me to marry although I'm not too happy about it I think he will bring me close to Allah than the one I love. And my BF still asks me to run away with him how he can't love without me and its sad to see him that way almost makes me want to go back to him. But I don't know it's all so confusing. In sha Allah hopefully I'm making the right choice.
this is you have decided now because right now you are blinded by the love of you father, care for culture and what people will think of you if you refuse. infect you are unconsciously making a sacrifice to yourself and you are rationalizing it by all means. However it is you who has to live and face the marital life. In future no one will be with you if you are unhappy or dissatisfied. the same people will ask you now you are married so live your life. I faced exactly the same and i wish i were not so weak. Anyways still choice is yours and do not let anyone force you for something you do not want.
Salam, So you agreed to someone that your parents like and you dont like yourself? Don't do it unless you've done istikhara and thats all for this marraige.
Marraige is a life time commitment and i think its under estimated nowadays. In all honesty, follow your heart. Have you tried sitting your parents down and talking to them?
Im in sort of the same position so i know where you are coming from, although mines a bit more complicated and im trying to stand my grounds. My BF has an illegitimate daughter and is about 9years older so thats the reason my dads saying no to him - hes like talking to a brick wall but recently hes opening up to me and because ive been so adamant in the last year hes starting to realise my happiness lies with my boyfriend rather than his choice.
Maybe mines not the most islamic answer but hope it helps 🙂 Make lots of dua after ur salaah's good luck and i hope you make the right choice and get married to the person who will keep you the happiest xxx
Assalam u Alaikum
Well sister it is easy for us to answer the question but in reality it might be way harder for you to act. But remember nothing is stronger than you. Now you are married and incharge of your life you can simply accept that new guy or fight a liberation movement again for your boyfriend or whatever he is to you.When my parents agreed to a proposal for my real sister i never agreed at first i thought the guys is just a thug his parents are nothing but now after an year has passed i have never heard about anything wrong.My sister never has complained about anything. Its all about accepting the truth.Your parents know you more than yourself so their choice for you is the best one believe me.So sister please dont make your life miserable by feeling sad or depressed instead live to the fullest and be thankfull to Allah about everything HE has granted you. I hope this helps
Nabeel
If you are not happy with your father's decision DO Not go for it because overall this is your life and marriage is not a small thing, you would have to live through it. My experience is that only marry a person if you are willing from your heart and mind. So there is no need to make sacrifices for others because later on people will hardly care if you are happy or not and then you would be trapped in a loveless marriage. I went through the same situation and i was forced by extreme emotional blackmailing and family pressure. So now what? today i am so unhappy with my life. Please do not make the same mistake that i have made once, it will ruin your life. i am not asking that you must go for boyfriend, for that you should have Istikharah first. All i am asking is please do not go for something merely to make others happy when you yourself is not happy from your heart.
PUT YOUR FULL TRUST IN ALLAH AND ASK FOR HIS GUIDANCE , ONLY ALLAH KNOWS WHAT IS BEST FOR US , MAY ALLAH BLESS U WITH PIOUS HUSBAND . dont worry sisters read tahjjud salah and allah will show u the right way and will put right thought to ur parents mind , inshallah all ur problems will be solved
Pls help me...
I'm in the same situation , I love my beautiful as I call her everyday...
We have been together for almost a year I hiding relationship ..she left her home 12/25 last year due to abusive family toward her ...and moved in with me ..we were living together for a month and her parent found her again and managed to convince her to go back home ..that was two week ago since I've seen or heard from her ...she broke off our relationship without reason and said to forget her...
I'm a catholic man so I figure its my religion for the first reason they don't approve of me,
Two we hide our relation , from them and I know now we made a mistake of not asking her parent the right was for us to be in a relationship ,
Three we have been sleeping together and off everything I've read all night that's a sin agains her religion..
So pls help me ...I want her to be my wife ...
What can I do to correct our actions and be accepted to her family...I'll do anything to make this right ..
I'm willing to change my religion ...for her..
But for the rest what can I do ...
Eddie, I would encourage you to learn Islam, about Allah, about His Messenger - Muhammad Peace and Blessings be upon him, before you convert to Islam if that is what you would do. Because accepting Islam without conviction and belief in Allah and Muhammad (Peace be upon him) is void and makes no sense.
And there is no guarantee that your Islam will make her parents agree. Will you leave Islam if this happens? If you accept Islam, regardless of their decision, you should be firm upon your belief and Worship Allah Alone. This would be "sincere conversion". If the only reason they say "no" is your faith, they are correct, because a Muslim lady is not allowed to marry a non Muslim man. If accepting Islam will convert their "no" into "yes" then you may accept Islam, but after you are sure about your sincerity and not just to get married to the girl.
Thanks! And if you want further help from us, you could create a separate post and we will answer you in turn, in sha Allah. 🙂
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaams Rahma1993
Say NO and stand your ground. If your heart is not with it, which I have seen so many sisters do this for the sake of parents and culture often this leaves them either regretting it or going mental. Please do not do it for your parents or anyone else's sake dont you deserve to be happy. PLEASE YOURSELF & MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY IT IS YOUR RIGHT NEVER FORGET CHOICES YOU MAKE ARE YOURS NOT YOUR PARENTS. Please think long and hard you still have a choice FOR YOU.
You are so right. My only advice to sister Rahma is that you have my example in front of you and i'm literally half mental now.
@Hina D I would not say that to you or any woman but often that what happens when it is marriage inconvenience whats the point even marrying if you married the wrong person to please others where does that leave you. Why not make the right choices for you that are right for you in the first place. If I can help any sister I seriously would say MAKE CHOICES FOR YOU AND I AM SAYING FROM EXPERIENCE dont live in regrets. Sometimes Allah does things in so many ways that some people are not destined to be in what kismet lies with them in the first place and if you can see that before it has began then please do not ignore the signs save yourself from being divorce no one deserve that so think long and hard.
Hina D may Allah also help you and you become a better person from the situation you are in my heart goes out to you.
Thanks Sister Samina, i'm not going for divorce because it will only make the situation even more complicated. All i want is to ask all the sisters not to do the same mistake that i have done. If Islam asks children to obey their parents, at the same time it also forbids parents to forced their children against their will. Islam is a religion that protects human rights and infact the only religion that has given most rights to the women. But many parents, all they care about fulfilling their duty of marrying children. Marriage is a big step and mostly an undone step. My dear sister Rahma please think hard before making any move.
Wa'alaykumsalam,
It is sometimes true that we want to be removed from a situation that is better for us than what we are seeking to get into, In your case, running away with that stranger, thats a horror, thats unIslamic, those happen only in movies. 'running away' type of marriage would most certainly destroy your life should problem arise. Marriage is a long term commitment and support, blessings etc from all the sides are needed. Running away will make your marriage void as you will be needing a wali. Therefore, I truly hope that you would ignore your 'bf' call for running away. I'm sure you wouldn't do this 🙂 . He is not to be trusted. There are many risks involved and its extremely dangerous. Plan wisely.
Secondly, your dad's choice might be good as you've said that you think he might be able to bring you closer to Allah, you said this for a reason most certainly, isn't this what your aim should be ? ' closer to Allah ' ? Therefore, evaluate properly. Marrying a pious man is what all the muslimah should aim for as is advised by our Prophet. This is the first step to be closer to Allah, earn Jannah, better Islamic upbringing of children etc. Now I'm not saying that you should marry your dad's choice by hook or by crook, of course not because it is true that even though a person is pious, we may not like them for many other reasons and you have full right to deny him, no one should force you, you cannot be forced because finally the decision is yours. Do not marry just to make your parents happy as you will the one to be living with that man, therefore, everybody must be happy before marriage. I believe that, if you sever all ties with your 'bf' and forget him, never answer his calls (change your number), don't think about him (keep yourself busy) etc perhaps this might chage your mind for good. Now I wouldn't blame culture for this because had you not had a bf, you most probably wouldn't be denying your dad's choice at this moment, the reason of your denial or unsatisfaction or etc might have arouse due to the presence of your bf in your mind. It is a false love/desire which satan creates between two unmarried couple and then causes trouble. Know that many have regretted losing what they did not realise was better for them than what they chose. Therefore, pray for guidance (salat al istikhara), have faith, make the most of what is at hand & seek counsel before making big decisions in life. Preform your Islamic duties and repent sincerely for the sins you've committed. Allah will surely help you out.
Salaam alaikum
Thank you all for replying. It's easy when someone tells me to just break up with my BF and be with this guy whom I think will bring me close to Allah. But it's not that easy. I'm still with him and I'm trying to make a choice I pray thajjaud and ask for Allah's guidance. I love your response most the most. My BF is not the most religious person but I'm thinkin maybe when we get married I can make him better. And we are just going to run away so my dad can see how much we love each other then we'll come back ask him to do the nikkah if he will accept. The guy my parents want me to marry is in college he is not working the wedding will be on June if decide to go with it. But my bf is workin in school and already has his own place so I know he can take care of me more. So I don't know why my dad is willing to get me married someone who can't even pay his own phone bill his father does it for him.
Sister, let me tell you about people- you cant make anyone better.
Maybe in your imagination..., you can control your own action only and marry the person for the level they are now- you cant change anyone else's behavior.
Running away is not the solution my dear sister, but again its your life and we all have choices to make.
Alaykumsalam,
Yea its not easy to forget someone, it takes hell lot of time, but the patience is more worthed on the long run both Islamically and for your life. And honsetly speaking sister, If you think you can change him or make him better, then you thought wrong. We think we can change someone but in reality we can't. Only Allah guides and changes a person's condition upn changing their inner aspects.
Furthermore, if a muslim man wants to marry a girl, he would never tell her/you to run away with him because he must know that for a marriage to be valid in Islam and in the eyes of Allah, you would need your father's permission withoutwhich, a life with him would unfortunately constitute a life of zina. Sorry to say. Our prophet said "a marriage without wali (father) is void void void ". He also said " ..the immoral woman gives herself in marriage ".
With regards to 'running away', it would not prove anything to your dad about 'love', if anything, you are only going to humiliate him, destroy him and your family and also you would be disobeying Allah which is more concerning because without Allah's mercy, blessing and guidance, we are sure going to rot.
Secondly, a religious person who is still studying is 100 times better than the one who is settled and not religious because Allah is the provider of wealth. Sometimes Allah test a person by taking the wealth away from a settled person putting him on the brink of poverty, at that time, he would sell his home, car etc , stay in his parents home etc and in some cases even divorce his wife. So don't do decision based on this solely.
Now I'm not against your 'bf', but Islam is against his concept of 'running away'. It is extremely dangerous, think of all the problems that may arise, like what if your dad or family never accepts, what if bad happens in the future ( Audhubillah ) then no one will support you etc etc.
I would still have to say that you must cut ties with your 'bf' before its too late because intermingling between two non mahrams is forbidden/haram in Islam, Allah said: " repent before the punishment comes to you and then you will not be helped ".
So before making any decision, please don't hasten to marry either of the suitors. Take your time. Sincerely pray salat al istikhara. Wrtie down all the pros and cons with regards to both the suitors, have patience and May Allah guide you. Know that running away will only complicate everything in your life. It will destroy everything. It was never a solution. Finally, We have nothing to benefit if you marry either of the person, we only wish good for others.
Dear sister
I support the advice of all those submitted prior to my comment - My recommendation is to distance yourself from both these suitors, allowing yourself enough time to reflect on yourself and to make Istikhaarah with a clear mind and heart. In doing so, two things will happen:
1) You will have the time to assess your situation in an unbiased manner and take stock of yourself and decided what it is you want in a husband and what your goals are within a marriage in terms of your own growth spiritually and as an individual and decide honestly whether this bf can benefit you, complete you and strengthen you to become the woman, the mother and the Muslimah you aspire to be
2) You will not be in too emotional a state when performing Istikhaarah such that you misinterpret Guidance from the Almighty according to what you want - its easy to twist things and rationalise them to fit our longing but only to our own detriment ultimately.
And if you find that you are too afraid to do this - for fear of losing your bf then I dont think your relationship can be all that powerful. Its a good test for both of you to see if he will Sabr until you make this decision and support you in this and if you can trust each other during this delicate time.
And if your father is a man of Deen. Why not ask your father to make Istikhaarah also and you will see that if it is meant to be - the Almighty will make his heart soft towards your bf and everything will fall into place. Also, it shows your maturity and it includes him in the whole process which will only strengthen the bond between you and your father...
Salaam Sister,
People who stick to their views won't budge no matter how much "proof" you provide to them. My mother is similar to your father and will stand to her views no matter what. If you go against your fathers wishes, it it not disobeying. Allah will not punish you for this. Yes, pray isthikhara,but that won't help entirely. You need to make the big step. I believe that if your BF truly loves you, he will increase his iman for you. It is your life, you want to be happy. Your father is your father and your blood. He will always be with you and support you if he truly loves you. Be patient, make the right moves that you feel will make you happy. If you love your BF and wish to marry him, I support you on that. Yes, we all know that relationships before marriage is haraam. But you two are of age and like you said, he already has a job. He can provide you a good life and even increase your faith as well as his if he tries. I will make dua' for you to be happy and make the right decisions.
Dear sister Rahma,
I do understand your current conflict and your position. You are right that its not easy as it sounds but please do not run away with your bf. Its another wrong step. you are putting your all trust, confidence and belief in your bf. I know few girls who have made the same mistake but in this way its a big risk because after marriage what if your bf changes and you would have no support from your family as well. Try to convince your father in a positive way and be firm on "NO" if you do not want to marry the guy of your father's choice. Both running away with bf and marrying your fiance are wrong moves. All the strengths and courage that you have summoned up for running away, divert it to saying NO to the forced marriage. Sister keep in mind no one can marry you without your will because Islam has given you that right.
Dear Rahma,
I just have remembered something that i should have done last year. Maybe it work out in your case, Call your fiance or meet him in person and tell him clearly that you do not want to marry him and your father is forcing you. I hope he himself will refuse, if not then tell him that you have no feelings for him rather he is a burden on you and you like someone else.
I did tell him that but his dad is forcing him too (although he says he likes me anyway regardless of his dad forcing him) so he can't say no to his father he basically told me the only way to get rid of him is to tell my dad I don't want the marriage.
I've had my dad force me into a marriage before and I said NO and I stood my ground. He eventually said ok fine. I don't know what it is this time that won't let me say no and stand my ground. Maybe it's because I have feeling for someone else this time or I just know that I will like this brother that my parents want me to marry Allah knows best. Once again thank you all for the great advices may Allah reward u all for replying. In sha Allah now all that's left now is making a decision.
Salaams.
assalam
my sis isn't ready to get married she's really young and not capable to handle this responsibility and my parents are not understanding her and are thinking about it and my parents are really narrow minded and never believe their own children always doubting about every small silly thing also please give me a dua to prevent these problems