Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I hate my husband, I married him to please my parents

Forced Marriage and Islam

Assalam O Alaikum,

I am married for 2 years I hate my husband ,I use to disobey him ,sometimes I even use 2 pray for him to die.I married him because I don't want to disobey my parents. There is someone I am so much in love with since I was young I use to think of him day and night .please help me out I don't know what to do.

Khairat.


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21 Responses »

  1. We would need to know why you dont like him.

    • When u marrried for your parents sake now why are younthinking for your sake? Thr day u married u should have forogt ur loverr..!

      @ahmed akhi why she dont like him its certain as she says that she loves another man ..

      she is like travelling in two boats . When u have decided atnunwill travel in the happiness of ur parents boat tthen why u want to travel now in another boat . YOU WILLMLIKE HIM IF YOU CHANGE UR PERSPECTIVE dont think u hate him think unlove him and u hate ur lover.. because ur husband is halal and ur boyfrirnd is haram and shaytan will urge u to have extra marital affairs so please be cautious and amend urself

  2. Its interesting to hear about your husband, of how he treats you etc.

    Because our Prophet said: " any women who asks her husband for a divorce, without any valid reason, then the fragrance of paradise is forbidden for her " ( Abu dawood, tirmidhi )

    so if your husband mistreats you, doesn't fulfill his rights as a husband, beats you, irresponsible etc are few valid reasons.

    Secondly, praying for a muslim's death is a sin and you need to repent.

    Thirdly, you shouldn't have accepted to marry him in the first place, just to please your parents, basically because, if your husband is in love with you, then you are going to hurt him big time by your mistake in marrying him to begin with. And now if you're divorcing him, you're gonna displease your parents too.

    Lastly, Allah orders us to lower our gaze. Pre-marital,extra-marital relationships are all forbidden and if done, needs to be repented.

    Talking about a situation, assuming IF you hadn't fallen in love with your other guy since young age and you observed proper Islamic way of life, lowering gaze etc then you wouldn't be wanting to divorce your present husband and disobeying your parents. Because now, after two years, your parents are gonna get hurt real bad too.
    It is possible that because of your 'love' for your other guy, you hated your husband so much and want to divorce him now. Your marriage is not forced marriage, atleast you havn"t said it. You just wanted to obey your parents. Therefore blame is solely on you. During your marriage you are thinking day and night of your other guy. Thats bad and you need to seek Allah's forgiveness.

    One of satan's main aim is to destroy a couples life.

    Just a question, Do you want to divorce your husband just to marry your other guy ? Or
    If your other guy has already been married, or has a GF or fiancee, and you can never marry him, would you still seek divorce ?

    Remember the first hadith I posted about valid reason of divorce. " loving another man is not valid " just saying.

    Allah said: " there maybe somthing which you dislike but it is good for you and there maybe somthing which you love but it is bad for you, Allah knows but you know not " ( Baqarah )
    Our prophet said: " the lawfull thing which Allah hates most is divorce"

    for now try to improve your relationship with Allah. Pray regularly and perform salat al istikhara too, so that Allah can help guide you.

  3. Sister as brother said above we need to know why you do not love your husband! On other hand I will give my opinion on other facts.

    If it was forced marriage then it is not valid. If your parents didn't forced you then it was your own choice. 

    Sister disobeying parents not good also disobeying husband it's also not good. He is your husband 2 years you both been married it's not a joke it's a matter of life, someones trusts and praying for someone death is also not good specially your own husband. 

    If your husband is good person and you behaving just because you loved someone from young then Allah will be very upset with you. Allah is the one who made couples we human just make it happen. We have no right to hurt them not disobey them if they are right. 

    Sister if your husband is a good person try to love him and give his respect the one he deserve. Husband wife relation should be base on trust, obeying each other and ask happiness from Allah. Remember sister if Allah's blessing not there then your life will be dark. Allah love who keeps their husband happy till death that's what we all married women's want in this world and next. 

    Pray, read quaran, adjust, love and take care of your husband. If your husband is good person then by behaving like this dosent sound maturity and if it's not if your husband us not good, then another story. 

  4. Salam,
    I could be wrong for what I'm about to say. The man you "love" is probably not a good fit for you. The man your married "is" but you don't love him. No one can force you to love your husband. You probably just think about the man you "love" a lot so that is unhealthy in marriage. You start comparing the man you "love" to your husband. It make you want the other man but in reality your husband will be there for you. The man you "love" why didn't he ask for your hand or whatever it is. You gave us little information. Just try to get this other man out your mind. I doubt your husband can be that bad.

    P.S TO WHOM THIS MAY CONCERN: I've BEEN PUT MY QUESTION/STORY UP. WILL IT TAKE VERY MUCH LONGER? Thank you.

    Good luck sister

  5. it clearly states she loves someone else so to please her parents she married of there choice. BIG MISTAKE sister, if you knew you loved someone else you should have followed your heart and done what you wanted know this is hard but at least you would have been happier.

    • as hard as it may be if you strongly love someone else then leave your husband i dont think it is fair to him or hate him its a very strong word to use against someone else. otherwise you are lying to yourself and it appears to me you have already given up on the marriage. Either work at your own attitude or leave your husband because as a wife your not even doing the basic and i dont think no person should put up with someone who dont work together in a marriage including compromise and showing respect.

  6. Khairat,

    What is it that you dislike so much about your husband? Is he cruel or abusive towards you or...do you simply have nothing in common?

    Salam

  7. Sister Khairat, as-salamu alaykum,

    You have not said anything about your husband abusing you, so I will assume that there are no serious problems in the marriage.

    Therefore the real obstacle to your happiness in this marriage is the feelings that you have for the boy you knew when you were young.

    You have to let go of the feelings for the other boy. You don't even really know that boy. You have an idealized image of him in your mind. Most likely if you were married to him, you would find the same problems that exist in any marriage. It's a fantasy that is coming between you and your husband. And it's an injustice to your husband. It's unfair to him. He married you in good faith. You owe him better than this.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  8. asalam alikum everyone
    i understand where your commin from
    i know lyf is tough but you gotta listen to your parents however it is if you please your parents Allah is pleased with you and that's what we girls want. We all have dreams only if they were true but the real thing is that Allah makes each and every pair to live their life with each other. i feel like the way you do at tyms but you just gotta avoid the bad vibes that people give you. your husband is like everything for you more than the one you love just try your best to be a good wife. inshAllah everything'll be fine.

  9. Forced marriage is invalid. Plus, you can't force yourself to fall in love with someone. Love comes from the heart. When you don't love someone and still are living with that person, sooner or later that person will come to know about your feelings towards him. I don't blame you, I infact feel bad for you. If parents have certain rights in relation to their children, children also have a few rights. The parents should have made sure whether you are agreeing to the marriage with heart or just to make them happy. Don't they realize that by forcing their daughter/son into a marriage they are pushing them into a bigger problem? i.e share their life,their bed, their personal affairs with someone they don't really want to share with?

    I know I am gonna face the same situation in the future, I love my parents but this is a question of life. I will tell them that they are forcing me into a marriage even after that if I am being forced then its their decision and their consequences...

    I feel for you sister. But as you didnt provide any information regarding your own husband and the guy you wanted to marry, no one can give out an opinion. Maybe after knowing the real scenario I would comment something different. But that's what I think now..

    Islam doesn't disapprove of so called "love" marriages but it has a certain conditions:

    Marriages that are done due to a couple falling in love with one another are acceptable but are usually an unlawful way of approach. Meaning, that two people of the opposite sex start a relationship and then decide they want to marry. However, one must also realize that this is happening and therefore if a couple are in a relationship they must either get married immediately and save themselves from sin or separate.

    If the father/ mother is aware then they should ensure that there is a successful outcome and if there is compatibility between the couple, they should try and ensure that the marriage takes place as soon as possible. Mere excuses, such as they are from a lower cast etc are not acceptable. However, valid reasons such as religion must be taken in to account.

    Abu Hurairah narrates that the Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) said “when one with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks your daughter in marriage then accede to his request. If you do not do so then there will be temptation in the earth and extensive corruption”. (Tirmidhi)

    And Islam strictly condemns "forced" marriages and states them invalid:

    Whilst we understand the importance of love and compatibility we must also ensure the approval of both parties. However, one must also recognize that forced marriage is a problem occurring today and Islam condemns it to the highest degree. The issue of forced marriages is not one that is limited to some Muslims, but Hindus, Sikhs and other religions also acknowledge it as a problem.

    As explained above, Islam regards marriage as a right of the individual and therefore others cannot make the decision for them. If a woman/man is forced in marriage then the marriage would not be valid and would therefore need to be cancelled. However, daughters and sons should also recognize the rights of their parents and come to an agreed solution before the marriage takes place.

    If this does not happen then those who forced the marriage and those who allowed it are both guilty and have committed a major sin. The following incident clarifies the position of forced marriages in Islam;

    Khansa Bint Khidam said “My father married me to his nephew, and I did not like this match, so I complained to the Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace). He said to me “accept what your father has arranged.” I said “I do not wish to accept what my father has arranged.”

    He said “then this marriage is invalid, go and marry whomever you wish.” I said “I have accepted what my father has arranged, but I wanted women to know that fathers have no right in their daughter’s matters (i.e. they have no right to force a marriage on them). (Fathul Bari Sharah Al Bukhari 9/194, Ibn Majah Kitabun Nikah 1/602)

    At first, the Prophet (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) told Al Khansa to obey her father, and this is as it should be, because the concerns of fathers for the well being of their daughters is well known. But when he realized that her father wanted to force her in to marriage she did not want, he gave her the freedom to choose, and saved her from the oppression of a father who wanted to force her into an unwanted marriage.

    Blessed are we to be born in such a natural religion, Al Humdu Lillah! ♥ . However, people have the tendency of bending the religion as per their desires and they will be answerable for their decisions.

  10. Assalam o alaikum i lve my husbnd al0t but my husbnd ign0re me all the time i m fed up n0w by gvng hm l0ve more than he deserve. I thnk i m sp0ilng my lyf wid hm:-( i dnt have w0rds to explain my feelings i m depressd

    • Assalam Aleikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu dear sister. This is a common issue with men; wife loves them and husband ignores them. But some men have a harder time showing their love or expressing themselves in ways that we females do. I know it is hard on you because you are giving and it feels like you are not getting back what you are giving. But the true reward is with Allaah swt. Allaah swt knew the struggle we would face as wives and He called us to patience. You can vocalize kindly with your husban and tell him how much you love him but that you need his attention and time. Also, many husbands carry the responsibility of caring for his wife , children (if any) and his parents. Perhaps, he is feeling the stress of it which causes him to withdraw or ignore. Keep patient and continue to love and obey him , understand his nature is different than your own. Make dua that Allaah swt helps your husband to come closer to you. And know that your patience will be rewarded in shaa Allaah.

  11. First , I want to ask whether or not it was forced ? Forced meaning your permission was not sought and they just arranged despite your protest. If you did not protest it and kept silent then you gave permission with your silence. The prophet (saw) said many times (as recorded in Muslim Book 8) that silence is consent. Meaning if you do not protest the marriage vocally, then the marriage is valid (not forced ) and your husband has all rights on you. It was addressed above about the seriousness on the issue of divorce. Also, I cannot stress enough the importance of your role as a wife in regards to how you treat your husband. His rights are over the rights of your own parents. You fear to displease them but please sister understand me ... The displeasure of your husband on you would be so much worse for you when you stand In front of Allaah swt.

    Ibn Hibbaan narrated that Abu Hurayrah said: The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If a woman prays her five (daily prayers), fasts her month (Ramadaan), guards her chastity and obeys her husband, it will be said to her: ‘Enter Paradise from whichever of the gates of Paradise you wish.’” Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’, no. 660.

    Ibn Maajah (1853) narrated that ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Abi Awfa said: When Mu’aadh came from Syria, he prostrated to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) who said, “What is this, O Mu'aadh?” He said, I went to Syria and saw them prostrating to their archbishops and patriarchs, and I wanted to do that for you. The Messenger of Allaah (S) said, “Do not do that. If I were to command anyone to prostrate to anyone other than Allaah, I would have commanded women to prostrate to their husbands. By the One in Whose hand is the soul of Muhammad, no woman can fulfil her duty towards Allaah until she fulfils her duty towards her husband. If he asks her (for intimacy) even if she is on her camel saddle, she should not refuse.”
    Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Ibn Maajah.

    Ahmad (19025) and al-Haakim narrated from al-Husayn ibn Muhsin that his paternal aunt came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) for something and he dealt with her need, then the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Do you have a husband?” She said, “Yes.” He said: “How are you with him?” She said, “I do not neglect any of his rights except those I am unable to fulfil.” He said: “Look at how you are with him, for he is your paradise and your hell” – i.e., he is the cause of you entering Paradise if you fulfil his rights and the cause of your entering Hell if you fall short in that.
    Al-Mundhiri classed the isnaad of this hadeeth as jayyid in al-Targheeb wa’l-Tarheeb; it was classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Targheeb wa’l-Tarheeb, no. 1933.

    If you agreed to this marriage (whether vocally or with silence) then you must fulfill your role as a wife and seek to find ways to love him. Does he beat you? Cheat on you? Does he do unlawful things that are against Allaah and His messenger ? If not , then being in love with another man through haram means is not a valid reason for divorce ; neither will it benefit you. If you are not in love with him then love him for the sake of Allaah and this is the purest love. If you have a husband who treats you well and gives you your rights appreciate him because other sisters are looking for such husbands. Perhaps you leave your husband for another man .... Who is to say that this man will not treat you badly once married to him? Sometimes what we really need to do when we don't love others , is purify our own hearts , actions and thoughts.

    There are three people whose prayers will not be accepted by Allah, nor do any good deed of theirs risen up to heaven: a fleeing slave until he returns to his master and helps him, a woman whose husband is angry with her until he is pleased with her, and a drunkard until he becomes conscious.” (Ibn Hibban)

    The Prophet (pbuh) said, “The first things a woman is called to account for on the Day of Judgment are her prayers and her (relations with her) husband.” (As-Suyuti in Al-Jami Al-Kabir)

    The Prophet (pbuh) said, “It is not lawful for a woman to fast (voluntarily) when her husband is present, except by his permission nor permit anyone into his house except with his permission.” (Bukhari and Muslim)

    The Prophet (pbuh) said, "Had it been permissible that a person prostrate himself before another, I would have ordered that a wife prostrate herself before her husband.” (Tirmidhi, Abu Dawud, Ibn Majah and Ahmad)

    Hussain Ibn Muhsan’s aunt mentioned her husband to the Prophet (pbuh) who said,
    Evaluate yourself concerning your husband for he is you Paradise or Hell-Fire.” (Ahmad and Al-Hakim)

    The Prophet (pbuh) said, “Allah will not look at a woman who is ungrateful to her husband, while she is unable to do without him.” (Al-Hakim)

    The Prophet (pbuh) said, Whoever leaves her husband’s house (without his permission), the angels curse her until she returns or repents.” (Al-Mundhiri in At-Targhib wa At-Tarhib)

    The Prophet (pbuh) said, If a woman dies while her husband was pleased with her, she will enter paradise.” (Tirmidhi, Ibn Majah and Al-Hakim)

    And Allah knows best all things.

    • Thank you so much for this. This is extremely thought provoking and an eye opener. But what about mental, verbal and emotional abuse. Ie, put downs in front of guests, silent treatments, yelling... No physical abuse, no drinking, no cheating, Alhumdulilah, but then also no intimacy and no communication too.

      • Assalam alaikum Sr. Lisa,

        As you asked me on the other post, what my reply would be to Sr. Hafsa, I don't deny a single word that she has written and for a Allah-fearing woman, these are good reminders to help us along in this sometimes very difficult dunya. Sometimes the fear of Jahannum is enough for us to mend our ways.

        Perhaps, due to my own shortcomings, I would be lying if I denied that I struggle with the above without it being balanced with the nature of what a woman is. Like for example:

        In a variant in the two Sahih collections, "A woman is like a rib. If you straighten it, you break it. If you wish to benefit from her, you can benefit from her in spite of her crookedness."

        In a variant in Muslim, "Woman was created from a rib, and you will never find any means to straighten her. If you wish to benefit from her, you can benefit from her in spite of her crookedness. If you try to straighten her, you will break her, and breaking her means divorcing her."

        There is a saying that You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

        I feel sorry for the couple because they both, husband and wife, have been suffering for 2 years when the post was written 2 years ago, so I hope that it is better for them now. Sometimes, two good people do suffer when we seek to be right as opposed to being merciful and thus happy.

        She has to be willing to accept her mistake and take responsibility for her choice and live in the present and her husband, I can't say much--but perhaps he needs strategies too in how to deal with her--maybe being sweet like honey and not sour like vinegar.

        Ultimately, if I could, I would ask the OP do you want to stay or do you want to leave this marriage? I think she would choose to stay--and to that I would say what was ultimately her struggle was having someone acknowledge her choice in her life matters and not ignore the importance of her feelings and choice. Sometimes just acknowledgement for someone's feelings is enough to heal the pain.

        A lot of these types of situations are not necessary if we just learn to communicate better and most people wouldn't flee from their marriages and responsibilities, if they knew they were being heard. When I read this post, I see and hear a girl who just wants a voice, not necessarily a different life and different husband--I imagine that there is nothing wrong with her husband and that's why she didn't say anything about being abusive--but she is confusing her rejection of him with not having/losing the opportunity to speak out when she wanted to.

    • kaha, I deleted the rest of your comment. Please register and submit your question as a separate post, and we will answer you in turn, Insha'Allah.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  12. you are torturing him because of your own crime. divorce him and let him find someone worthy of him, why you keep torturing him because you have a lover? what if your lover did the same to you, meaning ditched you and made your life a living hell?

  13. Salam sister
    I know how miserable situation you got yourself into. You should have married the man you liked and should not have married this guy as its not his fault either. I talk from experience , In my case I had no one else in life and my mother was too abusive so I had to marry the guy of her liking but I never loved him and couldnt love him as he and I are totally different people. I was a coward so couldnt get out of marriage but since I was suffocating . I left my country and got job in UK.I live alone . I am still married to the same guy but we dont live togather,Weird isnt it. He loves me. And he cant let me go. Life is full of surprises.He knows I dont love him. I just wanna be left alone for the time being. I know its not solution of the situation. But I want to figure out what I want from life. Marriage is not my top priority at the moment. I know I sound horrible but sometimes we all need break esp from arranged unwanted marriages. I earn more than my hubby , I am ahead from him in every walk of life , that was one reason I could not accept and love him as my life partner but I was never unfaithful with him. I was honest with him, I still support him financially or whatever way if he needs me.
    In your case , simply leave your husband , marry the other guy if he still wants to marry you. Take charge of your life. I know its easy said then done. But if you can not do this try to focus the good in your husband. After all it was never his fault. If he is providing you well and giving you good life then appreciate that.

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