Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Help me become better – multiple problems as a Muslim

good muslim

Salam brothers and sister of Islam,

I am an 18 year old girl and today I am ashamed to write this post as I am here to confess my sins and everything I have done in the past. I want to ask for forgiveness yet I am worried that I will not be granted this after all that I have done. I am worried that I will be unable to stop myself from sinning again. To be completely honest, my Iman is not very strong. I wish to learn more about Islam so I can believe more wholly in it. Although my parents have tried their best to educate me, I remain stubborn and do not abide to the rules given to me. I believe my sins are mostly driven by curiosity.

The first thing that I require help in is the most shameful, and is what I feel is the greatest problem to me for the past few years. I have been addicted to the act of masturbation and I cannot seem to stop myself from watching or reading haram material online. I think today I realise the extent of my addictions as my 6-day fast (sunnah) during the month of Syawal is now broken because I caved in to my sexual desires again. I am extremely ashamed of what I have been doing and I do intend to stop it. Please advise on this matter. I know that I would have to perform Ghusl (please provide the  proper niyat for this as I'm not sure if i have been doing it properly), and my fast is  broken. I feel like I am possessed with these high sexual drives and I find it so hard to stop myself once I start. I'm also afraid that I might be bisexual as I prefer to watch (I'm sorryy if this is too explicit) sexual videos of girls and not boys.. I do like boys in real life but I don't know why this is so. I hope that I can push this away as I know homosexuality is a great sin. I know that I need to stop watching these things and start doing more Ibadah so that I will stop touching myself, but for some reason everytime I Try, it does not work. I don't know what else I can do as this has been going on for so long.. I also cannot get married although I am of age, as I still need to study and my parents are not aware of this, hence they would not marry me off. Furthermore, I do not believe in marriage at a young age as I would like to focus on work first and become more successful. Hence, this is a real problem for me and I do require as much advice as possible to help me stop this bad habit.

Secondly, I have drank alcohol a few times and I do feel extremely guilty as it voids my  prayers for 40 days. I'm wondering if there really is a limit to Allah's forgiveness as I heard he will not forgive after the third time...

I also smoke nicotine on a regular basis (I'm trying to quit but it is difficult). is this a sin or is it makruh?

When I get very sad about such things  and feel stressed or bad about anything at all, I resort to more and more of these sins. Even worse, sometimes (but rarely now as I have stopped for a long time) I would hurt myself as well. I know this is also a sin, as I am not supposed to hurt the body given to me. and I do think I can stop this as I have reduced the number of times I do so.

I try to improve my character by being better to people and I do try to donate as much as I can to charity, hoping that I could help others and maybe Allah will forgive me and lead me to a better path as well. Please give your advice on the above matters, especially about the first one which I find is the most pressing problem as I do feel I can suppress and stop the rest of my sins with time, but masturbation is really a major problem for me and I really need help to stop it. I am so afraid that I will not have enough time to do good deeds that will make up for all the bad I have done..

- helpmechange96

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18 Responses »

  1. Salaam sister,

    Everything you have done in your post I have done in the past and probably way worse.

    Please don't forget the Allah swt is the most merciful. He will forgive us because he loves us. We are his creation. Shaytaan manipulates us in many ways but you must try to abstain from the sins.

    There is a lecture on YouTube from Nouman Ali Khan on porn I have attached the link below:

    This may be useful to you. The fact that you are conscious of what you are doing is you taking the first step to get your Iman back on track.

    Try to pray salah everyday, if you cannot commit to all 5. Start small. Make it part of your daily routine to pray surah ikhlaas and surah falak 3 times in the morning when you wake up and in the evening before you sleep.

    This is from protection from jinns and In'Sha'Allah shaytaan also.

    Please don't think that you have committed too many sins that there is now no hope for you. There is so much hope for you In'Sha'Allah and one day you will let go of all your bad habits.

    I have been so stressed recently with my marriage that I started smoking again and In'Sha'Allah I can quit as I really don't want to get back into that again.

    Duas are with you sister. Xx

    Take care x

    • MuslimSisterSumi sister ,

      What is the need to confess in public here you have done much bigger sins?
      I think we should avoid it . Just giving good solution should be sufficient .

      • It's to make her feel that she is not the only one who has done wrong and that anyone can turn their life around and repent! There is actually no "need" to try and belittle me by saying what you have said. I have not confessed to any sins and I was merely trying to make helpmechange96 feel that all is not lost.
        Thank you!

        • Yes .You can tell her you are not alone and lot of others too struggling with this issue . and no need to tell your part of sins . It is discouraged in islam to confess sins .
          Even if it is on these public forums ..So please avoid it in future posts too if if you find it related to your past .

        • Respected Sister,

          السلام عليكم و رحمة الله

          Please don't feel offended but what he said is correct. Your intention is to make the other sister feel that she is not the only one committing such sins, but don't reveal your sins. you can say that in general tht so many people commit such sins.

          Jazak Allah

          • Walaikum salaam,

            Jazakallah for your advice. I respect the way you have mentioned this to me. The reason I was saddened by the response I had from "illogical" is that he or she put me down which is wrong in Islam.
            Allah knows my heart and knows I had the best intentions when I responded to this thread from the very beginning.
            I have taken the advice on that issue but I still think that what I said wasn't wrong.. As I am not on the social media websites confessing my sins in detail for the whole world to see. No that is between myself and Allah SWT. All I said was I've probably done way worse to comfort her. It was a general thing I said.
            I apologise for offending anyone in the process.


  2. Asalam aliakum sister,

    I feel your pain as well. I used to be into many bad things as well. This is in the past for us. Look forward sister.

    Action plan:
    1) quit smoking, cold turkey, full stop.
    2) repent to Allah swt for smoking
    3) put child blockers on your web browsers, so that porn is hard to reach. Make the password a long number that is hard to remember, then give it to a friend to hide for you. Do not tell anyone what that password is for.
    4) quit porn, cold turkey, full stop.
    5) repent for watching porn
    6) quit masturbating, full stop.
    7) repent for masturbating, give money to your local masjid for zakat.
    8) forget about these things and move on with building your iman.


  3. Dear. Avoid media.

    As much as possible. Movies, music, and all that..,because that has a ton of soft porn that leads to other desires.

    Don't be alone. Be in public spaces all the time, your living room, study in the library, or a cafe, etc...don't be alone.

    Keep busy. I mean real busy. If you are bored and have time to masterbate then, it means you have too much free time. Get a job, volunteer, study something of value,go to the masjid and join classes, whatever...keep every moment of your time booked. You have too much time on your hands it seems and too much media access. If you are bored, go help your mom/ dad, if she doesn't need anything, go help your sibling/ spend time with them, if they are not around, call a friend and spend time together...think about others in your down time and get busy.

    As for the homosexuality, it's the porn that messes you up..just stop watching it sister. Watching porn will mess up anybody. Just as the above posters have said, put a child block on, use your computer publicly in the living room and always in view of other people.

    And most of all know that Allah is very merciful my dear no matter how much we sin, as long as we turn to him and ask for forgivness, that'shat matters.

  4. To answer your questions simply and directly:

    - Do not lose hope in the mercy of Allah as all sins can be forgiven by the will of Allah except Shirk
    - Yes smoking is Haram, Full stop. Anyone that says otherwise is trying to justify their own habit of smoking
    - You seems quiet clever and realise your mistakes, time to act upon your own recognition i.e. stop doing what you know you are doing

  5. Sister,

    I think it is the right time for you to get married. Shaiytaan will try to distract each one of us.
    Change your life and perform 5 times salah, especially in tahajjud. Pray to Allah to get you out of this.
    Try and try until you succeed.

    • I think something ēlse is bothering you- do your parents enjoy a friendly relationship? Think think; there is something else missing in your life: that's why you're doing this self abuse stuff' ,, grow spiritually and you l be able to quit this studf-- plz plz recite durood Sharif in abundance- life 100 plus daily

  6. i have the same problem of masturbating from the age of 15 now 27, it is about a month i quit masturbating and feeling the changes in me. MAY ALLAH FORGIVE OUR SINS

  7. The same problem with me confessed all..I'm ashamed of myself...even I can't share it to anyone..I want t repent and lead a real life like others..sometimes I feel like to die.because of this addiction I'm depressed...even in Ramadan also I can't control it..anyone pls sugest me dua.

    • heartbrokensoul, we have published and answered many posts on the subject of masturbation. Please search our archives.

      Wael Editor

  8. Aoa, I am v much disturbed because of problems in my family life...

    • Ayeshli, please register and submit your question as a separate post and we will answer you in turn, Insha'Allah.

      Wael Editor

  9. First and foremost, I'd like to start of by posting this Hadith for you

    "I heard the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) say: Allah the Almighty said: O son of Adam, so long as you call upon Me and ask of Me, I will forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, were you to come to Me with sins almost as great as the earth and were you then to face Me, ascribing no partner to Me, I would bring you forgiveness almost as great as it. It was related by at-Tirmidhi (also by Ahmad ibn Hanbal). Its chain of permissions is sound"

    So this "Hadith" should show you that "Allah (SWT), Is capable of forgiving you/me and anyone else (As long as HE/Allah chooses to do so)".

    Now on to the Issues Itself. You're not "Perfect" (Only Allah Is), and you're not a "Nabi/Rasool", and :"You're not a saint", but you're a "human being" (As are the rest of us). What I'm trying to say Is that "We make mistakes commit sins", and we "regret these acts that we do" (Some of us more than others), but at the end of the day you still "regretted the act/The sin Itself", and that's better than the alternative "Not regretting the sin Itself" and not "feeling any shame". That's how you know you still have "something In you that wish's to change and get you back to the proper path".

    Now "Wishing to get to the proper path" and "getting back to the path" are 2 different things. Most of us would "wish/hope to be Hafiz Quran", but "dedicating yourself to becoming a Hafiz Quran" Is different correct? On one hand "You wish/long/hope to do It" but on the other hand "You're actually striving to do It/working towards It". The same concept Is for your case/as In mine and all our cases. We either do It, or we don't do It (It's that simple).

    Now to break It down even further. The "Hafiz Quran" must read the "Quran" (Sub-han-Allah) over and over and over (X amount of times), but "He/She memorizes the Quran 1 page at a time", and "He/She must read that one page over and over (X amount of times, X amount of hours/days/weeks/months) just to memorize one page of the "Quran". When deciding to quit "Sin" the same steps must be applied. Don't try to tackle all your sins (At once) but take the necessary steps to "tackle them all eventually", as temptation will always be here.

    So how than can you actually tackle all your sins? Well start with those sins that you believe "You'll be able to tackle early on"? Than take the necessary steps to "make sure you actually do end up tackling them", and once "You're In control, rinse and repeat and move on towards the next and next:". While doing all of these things, continually "Remember your Lord/Allah (SWT)" and make "Dua's" and ask "Him/The Most High/The Most Merciful, for help In tackling these sins" as "Allah strives with those that work hard"

    Chapter Name:Al-Ankaboot Verse No:69

    وَالَّذِينَ جَاهَدُوا فِينَا لَنَهْدِيَنَّهُمْ سُبُلَنَا وَإِنَّ اللَّهَ لَمَعَ الْمُحْسِنِينَ {69
    029:069 Khan
    As for those who strive hard in Us (Our Cause), We will surely guide them to Our Paths (i.e. Allah's Religion - Islamic Monotheism). And verily, Allah is with the Muhsinun (good doers).".

    So as you can see "Your Rabb/My Rabb/Allah, will work with you, If you put In the effort".

    As for the "Thoughts of homosexuality/bisexuality" or anything "In that regards". What I can say simply put Is think about the "act Itself", and than when you think about that act, realize that an entire "nation was punished because of It" and as a result "did get erased/Severely punished because of It".

    While all sins differ, Their are some sins that "A person shouldn't really test" as those sins are the "greater sins that will really hurt you at the end of the day". Don't get me wrong, all sins hurt you, but sins do have an ranking from "lowest to highest" and theirs a reason as to why "some are ranked low" and as to why "some are ranked high".

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