Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Family shuts me in a small room, I’m highly suicidal

Sunrays and clouds in a blue skySalam Alaikum brothers and sisters,

I'm a 25 year old muslim female. If there is anyway that you guys can go to my previous posts and look at them from a few years ago, it'll give you a quick sum up of why I am where I'm at today. But just to give you a brief detail about whats going on currently: I come from a very strict cultural Middle Eastern family. When I say cultural? I mean cultural to the max. My parents would rather burn in hell than do anything that goes against their culture EVEN if religion is okay with it. I'm not just assuming this, they have said it to my face every time I told them what they're doing is haram.

I've always struggled with their way of life, I just couldn't understand why certain things were a big NO NO, if Islam was okay with it.

For an example, a Muslim-born brother (whom I no longer have contact with) came forward to ask for my hand in marriage about 7 months ago, upon telling my parents of my interest (in a very civil manner) they went nuts. Although he has a good reputation and is known around our community, they simply denied him because he is not of arab ethnic background. My dad was like to me: "Are you serious? I would never let any of my daughters marry outside of our race or outside of our village! What are people going to say about me? I'll be the laughingstock for eternity. You are going to ruin my reputation." My mom was like: You are so selfish, he isn't arab, he will never make you happy, he will take your kids and run away with them, he will cheat on you, my family will never talk to me again. Why would you marry someone who was possibly born out of wed-lock. etc, etc."

I refused to let it go, I explained to them how happy that this will make me and I begged them to sit down and get to know him and his family and take their time getting to know them, but they weren't even willing to talk to them. I decided to involve our local sheikh, who did absolutely nothing for me but make it worse because he told my parents although this is not haram, he also would never let his daughter marry someone that isn't from his country. This made my parents go even crazier, they said how can WE normal people allow our daughter to marry outside our race when even the SHEIKH of our community won't even open that idea for his daughters.

About a month went by and they realized that I wasn't going to let it go. Let me clarify that I told my parents that I would NEVER marry this person without their consent, I never planned on eloping and I have no interest in it. I genuinely want them to  be with me if I marry this man. They still didn't care and made it seem like I was going to marry him without them. So one day my parents asked to go on a small vacation with them to California (We live in Texas) to attend a cousins wedding, and i stupidly did because they said if I don't, they'll cancel their tickets cause they don't want me to stay home alone.

So I took 2 weeks off of work and I took all of my finals in school and went. Little did I know that was the end of my life. When I got there, they confiscated everything. My phone, my ID, etc. Then they left me with my sister who lives in Cali and went back to Texas without me. They said if I tried to go back, they will kill me and were willing to suffer prison sentences, so as long as I don't hurt their rep by marrying someone that isn't arab. When they got to Texas, they tried to sell my car (which I paid every dime for and am resposible for insurance and maintenance) but decided not to and instead sold their car and began using mine. I had no money on me anymore and I was being supervised in every direction.

I had to quit my job and drop my Winter semester classes (I was supposed to graduate April 28, of this year) I stay in a small room with no windows. It's been 5 months since I was tricked into coming here. I've lost a tremendous amount of weight, my sanity has been withering away. I've never in my 25 years of living hurt my parents in any way. I've always obeyed them and always kept up with my prayers and dressed modestly. I was known around to be a very nice, loyal and respectful person. But I don't feel that way anymore. I feel angry I can burn the world down with the fuel inside of me.

I went from waking up everyday at 6am to go to work, the gym and school to spending the last 5 months of my life laying uncomfortably in bed, in a small room with thin walls (I could hear my sister and her husband have sex, it is the most cringing feeling, I cry at how violated I feel) and no windows. I don't have interest in going out anymore, I can't tell you the last time I seen the sun. I spend 99% of my time in that room and the other 1% is when I go to the bathroom for wudu so I can pray.

I leave my room around 3am to find food. I live off of fruits because my appetite has changed since coming here. I can't eat chicken or meat without feeling sick to my stomach. I can't eat rice anymore even though it was my favorite meal to have. Everything I used to love, I no longer can stand. The only reason I eat now is just to survive, otherwise the sight of food and the smell is so stomach twisting, sometimes I want to cry to death at how cringed I become when any of my senses come in contact with food in general.

No, this isn't because they chased and harassed the one person I've been wanting to marry for over 5 years (went to high school together, he's always been good) it's more because I've always struggled with depression (please refer to my old posts to get an idea of my struggles) but I've always been able to mask it with keeping myself busy and seeing a therapist when my thoughts became too loud. Driving was a very BIG stress reliever for me. I haven't driven in 5 months. Work was so refreshing to me, I got to wake up everyday at 6am, I go straight to the gym, then I go to class and then I get off and go to work and back home. That enough kept me sane, I loved it more than anything. I felt like I had a purpose in life. But here I am 5 months later.

My mom sometimes calls me and tells me to stop being angry, she tells me to beg for forgiveness because I put them through hell, she tells me she'll die one day and I will regret it, she tells me they did me a favor by turning him and his family away (his family want nothing to do with us because they can't believe how crazy my parents are). But my mom and my dad threatened to kill me. My sister told me that even my brother in law had set up a plan where he will gather a knife, gun and gasoline and I choose how I want to go. At least I will have the honor in choosing how I can die. I ask Allah to forgive me if I really did hurt my parents. My heart hurts. I know many people like to think that this dunya wasn't meant for them, I know that this dunya wasn't meant for any of us. but the truth is, I really wasn't made to live.

I'm stuck trying to figure out how to balance Islam and parents and boundaries. I over think and go crazy because I don't know whats right or wrong anymore. It's like .. I want to run away, but then I'll be damned. I won't see my mom anymore, but I love her. Then other times I say let me just stay and deal with them, but how can I stay in a house that took every will in me to live.. If I stay, I can't work anymore or finish my education. I must marry someone of their liking and then play my life. For now it's at a pause because I "broke their trust". I can't really elope, never liked that idea and even if I wanted to, he isn't in the picture anymore. Last I heard of him? He stopped going to the mosque cause he swore to never pray behind someone hypocritical. Last I heard he got on anti-depressants because his suicidal thoughts became too realistic. My family tortured him and his family, cursed at them, called them names and low class because they're from Africa. Even ruined their reputation in the community.

What i'm trying to say is that I have no interest in dealing with my family, but I don't want to run away because guilt will eat at me. I have no interest in staying with them, I can't look them in the eyes anymore. I can't marry him. My life is at a pause and I've probably prayed more times in the past 5 months than I have in my entire life combined. I waste time here reading more about Islam and reading the quran. I've been patient, I think god has blessed me with patience and endurance. But I don't want to live and sometimes I'll break down and I'll tell god that I'm sorry I don't think I can hold out.

I'm sorry for being a crappy person. I'm sorry for being weak, I'm sorry that I couldn't carry the burden of this dunya. I am so grateful for the roof over my head, the food I can get in my tummy, my vision, my senses. But.. I still don't have it in me to carry on anymore. It's just so disgusting because I want to love my parents but I can't, and I want to be a little happy but I can't. I don't know maybe I'm a brat. Maybe it's not that bad and everyone around me is right, I'm selfish and childish. But I've prayed to Allah so much, and I've asked him to guide me and to forgive me and make me aware if I hurt my family by continuously asking to let me marry that man, cause if I did, I would beg them for forgiveness and I will live every waking moment for them. But right now I can't tell anymore, if I'm right or wrong. All I know is that I want it to stop. I want my thoughts to stop, I want to get away and be alone. I'm always thinking, the only way to stop my thoughts temporarily is by forcing myself to sleep. I drown myself with sleeping pills to sleep my day away because it's not like I can do anything. I've lost interest in learning, reading, cleaning, talking, etc. If it weren't for me caring so much about prayers, I would stay asleep the entire day. I wake up to pray my daily prayers, otherwise I don't care for anything else.

I can't explain how much I value Islam but at the same time how possible it is to still want to take my own life. I've thought of ways: I am highly allergic to certain medications and certain foods so I must carry an Epi-pen everywhere that I go because sometimes my body randomly rejects things I used to be okay with. I realized that the allergic reactions I have to certain things is more of a blessing than a curse, this time around. I know exactly what I need to do to go on my own without anybody realizing it was a suicide. I'll save my family their reputation by leaving in a way that won't make it obvious to our community it was suicide. I know if I killed myself my family will think of what people will say about them, so I'll give them that. I try to tell myself that this is a test, this dunya is temporary, ... but I still don't want to live.

I'm deeply hurt, I'm sad, I'm angry. My soul feels violated, it almost feels disgusting to be in this body. I feel ashamed, I feel betrayed. I just wanted to get married, I wanted to graduate after being in school for so long. I wanted to continue my job that I just got a raise from before taking the "vacation".. but I won't, I can't. Can't marry who I wanted, can't finish school, can't go back to work, and I can't take my car for a drive when I'm stressed out. I miss going to the mosque everyday after work, I would sit alone in the first row and I would cry to allah, I miss it. But I can't go unless i'm supervised. I value my alone time and privacy more than anything. Can I repeat.. I want to die? I really wanna go away cause I don't like myself anymore, it's disgusting. I'm disgusting. I can't stand up for myself. Guilt always eats me away, can't tell right from wrong. I don't think I'll ever be okay. I can't seek professional help.

I guess my question is.. what would you do if you were in my place? Did I really hurt my family? Do I deserve this? Am I overreacting? Should I move out or should I endure more? You guys, my soul hurts. Something wants to crawl out of my body and no amount of prayers and faith and patience is letting it finally leave my body. I know I'll never be happy with my family, we can never see eye to eye, I can't look them again and act like they didn't take everything that I've built for myself and threatened to kill me .. all for asking to marry someone outside my ethnic background. No I'm not exaggerating, this is all how it went down. Either my family is psychotic or I'm just a brat.

Help me, advise me, guide me. Please.

Sarah

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21 Responses »

  1. You are a great women. As you know Quran says Allah SWT never put too much load on a person who is not able to carry it. So please be patience and ask sabur from Allah in this difficult time. Every night has to go and morning should come. Your parents are too much and doing absolutely against the Islam. If the guy is Muslim and does not belongs to a same cultur it is not a big deal. Just wait and count the days , every new day is taking you to close to the bright mornings. Be brave

    • Salamualaikum sister

      You don't sound like a brat so perhaps we can park that thought. From the account you narrated it does seem like your parents are being stubborn and after all you're their daughter so I can see you also have a strong fighting spirit difference is that Alhamdulillah you're heart is in the right place that you're concern for trying to seek your parents approval is overwhelming Just one question you have to ask yourself in a very objective and honest manner Why do you want you're parents approval Is it to seek the pleasure of Allah swt or some notion of loyalty? Love? Respect? Convention? Please remember that your first and foremost duty is to Allah swt who has given you every right to seek a good life as long as you don't disobey Allah swt's commands
      One of Allah's instruction is to not kill yourself so let's be very clear You thinking about suicide and how it will effect your family mom or dad is of very little consequence here. How it will make your never ending afterlife far more worse than this life is what should be your concern Plus if you want to do right by your family then under the circumstances you have described it becomes incumbent upon you to fight on and since you're faced with a life threatening situation, run away Put distance between yourself and a potential threats. Consolidate yourself and get married if you find a suitable match Seeking shelter with the authorities would not be a bad idea at this point. I know the suggestion is far from ideal since it is still a hard life and probably not you're idea of a happy future with family and friends around you but what you're going through right now doesn't look like it's going to enable any mental strength in you infact it might only make you more depressed You need to give yourself a chance to live the life Allah swt has given you as best as you can It is a huge blessing from Him that you're sticking fast to your prayers keep doing that may Allah swt give you more steadfastness in it aameen
      Also it usually helps to perhaps read about the plight of more unfortunate people in history or if they are around you like Yemen and Syria etc Read about the though lives the prophets and their followers. Or perhaps the ideological catastrophes of the 20th century e.g. The Gulag Archipelago
      I can not imagine or pretend to understand the gravity of the situation you find yourself in because it is a very difficult one However I would encourage you to do whatever you need to in order to comply with the commands of Allah swt If it means distancing yourself from your family so that you can stop hating them then that's what you need to do
      What you should and will not do is think about hurting yourself No No No. The only reason you need for that is its in direct disobedience to Allah swt and that's all you should care about
      First priority is to analyse every thing you do or not do and align yourself to make sure that it is only it seek pleasure of Allah swt Every good thing that results as a byproduct is a bonus and shouldn't retract form your intention When you do that I belive you will see what is the right thing to do in what circumstance The intent will also give you courage and confidence to go through with doing what needs to be done Whether it's speaking to your family or leaving them
      I want to write more but I think I have got my point across. Forgive me for going on for so long. May Allah swt forgive me and help you to understand and guide and protect us all aameen

      • i really appreciate your long reply, it helped me a lot. I'm happy to see that I'm not being a brat and that I have every right to feel this way. I used to feel guilty for these feelings.

      • Salaam sister this is Sonia
        Reading your post made my dead sisters memory’s came back
        My sister been the same situation has you been my parents took her to Pakistan made her drink bleach to kill her she killed her self at the end because she couldn’t cope I couldn’t save her because I did not had confidence to speak against my parents
        Don’t feel guility come out Of this it’s not too late
        I couldn’t save my sister
        These parents will never understand come out of it sister before You get into more depression
        Things will get worse just call the cops life comes ones
        It’s been 10 years my sister died the guilt is there couldn’t save her I could have helped her to come out of it but I kept quite because of my parents told me too
        But don’t do this too urself things will never get better they will get worse
        Please take the step before it’s late
        Please update have they anychanges yet have you done anything

  2. What are you waiting for?

    You're suicidal and your parents have literally taken your life away. You should be contacting the police/fbi to get you out of there -they are on the web.

    You don't need parents like that, let them live in the 'glory' of their culture but you need to move on.

    Get out of there, contact the boy you want to marry, and get married.

    You have to respect your parents does not mean you are their slaves or you have to marry a person they want you to. They have crossed all boundaries and its time you took action for your own sake.

    • I'm not really waiting for anything. I just don't wanna burn in hell for hurting my parents if i call the cops or run away

  3. Assalaamualayum Sarah,

    Your parents' way of life, "Arab" or not, will not last, because it is not the way of Islam. Only the way of Islam will be accepted ultimately, and anything that opposes that will of course be very difficult to maintain. Your parents seem more concerned for their own superficial interests than about your feelings. The only other thing I can think of is that they are the type who automatically associate "Arab" with "good Muslim" without giving it a second thought. While you know better. People sometimes don't realize how hard of a test it is to "know better" or be "intelligent" or "morally upright." Just as the test of monetary wealth is harder than the test of poverty, the test of knowledge is harder than the test of ignorance. It's like you live in constant anger or anxiety at the world around you because you can see what's right when no one else does. So while you say you do not know wrong from right, your very soul knows, and all your actions to this point have been in the service of that which you KNOW to be right. You have to believe that.

    What your parents did is outright emotional and psychological abuse. In that prison cell you are in, you are experiencing the effects of your parents gaslighting...When you say "I over think and go crazy because I don't know whats right or wrong anymore," this is the effect of gaslighting, which is where someone tries to makes you believe YOU are crazy or insane one, when it's usually them. You are experiencing extreme confusion and fight or flight syndrome, where you want to leave one minute and stay the next, and the sad thing is, that it's because you love your parents that you are so confused. We are born loving our parents. No one wants to hate their parents. It's not natural. We are more inclined to grossly idealize our parents than see them in a negative light. But at a certain point, we all have to grow up and see and accept reality. I believe this is what you are deriving from this experience. It is a hidden blessing in this whole thing, that you see your parents for who they are. Imperfect beings that are far from Islam in their conduct.

    Know that even in that tiny dark room where you are hidden from the world, Allah is with you. Even if no one else is. Allah doesn't need the support of your parents, or any supporters for that matter, in order to be with you, back you up, and be on your side. He can do it all on His own.

    You are doing all the right things. You are reading your Salah. You tried to please your parents by coming on this "vacation" with them. You did everything in your power to "uphold family ties." Now it's time you do something for yourself. It is really ok to put yourself at the top of the priority list.

    One other thing I just want to say, just because it really bothered me, is that for them to pull you out of your school and job, as if you haven't invested anything in those pursuits, reeks of narcissism and self-interest. I of course can't say what their intentions were, but I can tell you as a sure thing that Allah's intentions for you are far greater than anything they can cook up.

    You have gotten some great advice above. The only thing I really wanted to add was some empathy towards what you are going through. I wanted you to know that I understand your pain and I really feel for you. You are not quite as alone as you think you are. You have Allah, and you have us. To me, you are doing everything right. You can marry who you want...Allah will not look down on you for that. You can set boundaries with your parents, accepting only good treatment from them. If you do find yourself back there with them, know that we are not judging you for that choice either. Know that Allah will get you through no matter what decision you make. There is not a right and wrong decision for you here. Do what feels right. You know yourself. You know what you can handle. And if one thing feels right in one moment but another feels right the next, then that's ok too. Live one day at a time, even one moment at a time if you can. You do not have to have this all figured out right now. Right now you need to be true to you, wherever that leads you. Allah has created you to be yourself.

    Hugs,

    Nor

    • Thank you so much Nor. Your comment really made me feel better. My soul aches and I was ashamed for feeling like I didn't deserve what my family are putting me through. Reading these comments made me realize how manipulated I was by them and that if I chose to leave or call the cops on them, I won't burn in hell. I pray that allah guides me and makes me aware when ever I am in the wrong. I don't want anyone going through pain because of me..

    • Nor, your comment gave me a lot of comfort and I have come on to this post to re-read it many times since you commented. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. May allah shower you with his blessings and grant you his highest level of Jannah, ameen.

      • Salam sis,

        I am so comforted to know that you found comfort from my comment and a light in the dark. I meant every word. And I am so proud of you for writing in and being so honest about your situation. There is no shame whatsoever in asking for help from both Allah and other human beings such as yourself. Allah will always let you know what the right path is when you trust Him and only Him alone for all your needs. Are you familiar with the Salat Al-Istikhara? You can pray it whenever you are confused about something...even the smallest thing, like what to eat for breakfast! There is information on this prayer in the blue menu at the top of this page.

        Just take one step at a time, one foot in front of the other, and you will be ok. I'm sure of it. 🙂

        Hugs,

        Nor

  4. Salam,

    Are you still having this issue or have things changed for you?

  5. Salaam sister,
    I can clearly rule out that u are not a brat or wrong in this situation. But actually is a test from Allah (swt). I read that u really liked this guy, but it didnt happen because it wasnt written for u and something bigger and beter (inshallah) is to come for u, but the fact that ur in a small room too and u had lost everything reminds me of the story of prophet Ayyub (AS)------ He is the most patient prophet of all time and he was once wealthy had land all that, people went to him everything, one day everything went his 14 children died, land was taken from him ,people distanced themselves and ober the years he became ill, no one gave his wife work she cut her hair just to put food forward, The wife had nothing to do so she asked Ayyub(AS) to ask Allah but he who was close to Allah (SWT) was too shy: Subhanallah. He said i think Allah has given me this much years y can't i? Ayyub (AS) was too sick and then Allah gave him special water; looked younger, had 28 children, all his wealth back, came back to his hometown. And his wife. So when i read this as long as ur imaan (faith) doesnt weaken but becomes stronger u ignore iblees (Shaitaan) i guarantee success will come ur way. A reminder,ik ur parents dont treat u right but in the Qur'an its 11 times they talk about ur parents,(like surah Isra/ surah Kareem) that after worshipping Allah its ur parent and i respect u on how ur controlling this situation, and thats y u remind me of how the prophet Ayyub (AS) was struggling. Ur very strong and keep me updated, but let me tell u if ur looking for the real guidance thats between u and allah while u pray, thats the real connection. When u come on here all u get is advice and thats it, and I'm not meaning it as a bad thing like its ok but if u want real change then pray to Allah .
    It takes time but its a test these obstacles will only make u stronger, and i will keep u in my dua's
    If anything changes do update
    ________________

  6. Can @Wael and @Amy both editors on this site give me advice on my situation as well? I would really aprreciate it. Latest update: I am back in my own state but my parents refuse to give me back my car or let me go back to Uni to finish my degree until several months from now or a year according to them. Which I think is a lie, they're only stalling like they have been.

    • Assalaamualaikum.

      Sister, I think I understand the whole picture. However, I need you to answer one question: How long were you in contact with this brother before he asked your hand in marriage?

      • Salam Brother, I've known him for 7 years since we graduated high school but it was nothing more than a friendship. It got serious 4 years ago, I'm very well aware that having a relationship is completely haram, and before I even presented the idea to my parents, I had already stopped talking to him for a year and I truly repented. I know it's no excuse but what I'm currently going through is exactly the reason why I didn't present it any sooner. I risked having everything taken away and I guess you could say I was blinded because at the end of the day, I'll take my parents anger over Allah's wrath on me. This is however a lot more than not being able to marry someone I wanted, like I mentioned we stopped contact a while ago and we are still in no contact and I have no intention in getting back unless some miracle happens and we can actually get married. This is more of being locked away and having all of my basic rights taken away from me.

        • Walaikumassalaam Warahmatullahi Wabarakaatu. Alhamdullilah, you replied, my sister!. May Allah cover you with a beautiful patience.

          My sister, I know you knew the relationship was haraam and I know you repented, but I'm afraid you didn't repent quite truly. A true repentance from a haraam relationship would mean you would be able to get over somebody completely and you would no longer have feelings at all. So let's say you saw this guy for the first time and you liked him somewhat and you immediately asked your parents if you could marry him and your parents say no, then Khallas! That's it. No hard feelings! You move on! There's men thousands times better than this guy out there that you can marry!

          So wallahi, sister, wallahi, maybe everything bad that happened to you was Allah showing his anger through your parents! But hey! there's a good news for my sister in Islam! Whatever happened to you only happens for people whom Allah loves! Don't you remember the story of Yunus (AS), my sister? About the fact that he showed impatience with his people and did not wait for Allah’s instructions, the Quran says:

          “And (remember) Dhun-Nun (Prophet Yunus), when he went off in anger and (he) imagined that We shall not punish him!” (Surah Yunus)

          Prophet Yunus, after leaving his people, after he showed impatience with his people and did not wait for Allah’s instructions, went on to board a ship that got caught up in a storm and its people thought that they would drown. In such a desperate situation when the ship was being pounded by waves on all sides, and they were at risk of drowning, they drew lots to decide to throw someone out of the ship in an effort to lighten the load. The Prophet of Allah, Yunus (peace be upon him), lost the draw three times. However, the people of the ship did not want to throw him out of the ship. So, he took off his garment and threw himself into the sea.Allahuakbar!

          After he threw himself into the sea, Allah sent from a large fish which cleaved the oceans until it came and swallowed Yunus. Allah inspired that large fish not to devour his flesh or break his bones. Ibn Masud, Ibn Abbas and others also said that “The fish took him through the sea, cleaving it until it reached the bottom of the sea. Yunus heard the rocks at the bottom of the sea uttering glorification of Allah, at which he realized his mistake and called out to Allah: “… he cried through the depths of darkness (saying): “There is no God but You, Glorified be You! Truly, I have been of the wrongdoers.”(Surah Al Anbiya, 21:87)

          Allah then tells us in the Quran: “So `We answered his call, and delivered him from the distress. (This means that `We brought him forth from the belly of the fish and from that darkness.’)”

          “And thus We do deliver (save) the believers.” (Al Anbiya 21:87)

          The Prophet (S.A.W.S) said about this Dua: la ilaha anta subhanaka inni kuntu minaz-zalimin. (There is no God but You, Glorified be You! Truly, I have been of the wrongdoers.)

          "No Muslim ever prays to his Lord with these words for anything, but He will answer his prayer."

          Seems like the room that your parents locked you in was more like the belly of the whale where Prophet Yunus (peace be upon him) was in!

          So why I don't I guide you to make a true tauba and then guide you even further?

          Yusuf
          Editor: Islamicanswers.com

          • Brother Yusuf, thank you for your reply, however, I must politely disagree with you. You have no right to tell me whether my repentance was sincere or not, that's something I know and something that's between me and Allah. As stated, I know what I did was haram, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to make it right at some point even if I had to negotiate with my family about it for some time. I also made it very clear that right now, it's not about marriage anymore. The brother is no longer in the picture. This entire fight stemmed from the fact that I wanted to get married, but my family and I are well aware that it's no longer about that. My concern is school and work.

            I will continue to pray and Allah will always know my intentions and so as long as I'm aware of my wrongdoings, I will always try to fix them. As for my repentance? I honestly don't know how you or anyone could tell me it's not sincere simply because I still wanted to marry the brother after everything had ended. Believe me if it wasn't sincere, I'd still be in a relationship with him now and that is still an option if I wanted it, BUT because I SINCERELY repented, I choose not to.

            Thank you though.

          • Hey, you're welcome 🙂

            My sister, the scholars have explained signs of a true repentance from the ayah “Seek the forgiveness of your Lord, and turn to Him in repentance, that He may grant you good enjoyment, for a term appointed, and bestow His abounding Grace to every owner of grace," [Surah Hood 11:3]

            The reward of repentance is a good life in the shade of faith, contentment, peace of mind and tranquility - Sheikh Muhammad Salih Al-Munajjid

            So based on you still wanting to marry him and all the difficulties you went though AT THAT TIME after your parents rejected him, I said your repentance was not a sincere one.

            Anyways, I'm so, so sorry if I was wrong, my sister. So let's move on. What seems to be the problem now with school and work? Please allow me to help you.

  7. that load maybe big but isn't too much for a woman as strong as u can handle and u know what u don't even need a man what u need is Sabr and strength and some guidance from Allah and a truckload of positivity and hope.
    here are some tips and tricks
    ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)if u think those thoughts are coming back listen to the Quran- listen not read- i'd recommend u listen to Quran read by cool imams like Mishary Rashid Al Efesy or Abdul Rahman Al-Ossi, or other Imams of your own choice. if u'd like u can focus on their vocals and their emotions when they read any ayah from the Quran and guess whether this ayah talks about hell, heaven, haram or halal matter. this way u will get more Hasanat and it will keep your mind off of these thoughts.

    ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)do small science projects and write ur own hypotheses and conclusions, if u can't go out to buy seeds use the seeds from the fruits or vegetables u have consumed, or grow those beans instead(sorry i am assuming u to be an Egyptian (my guts tells me that u are from Egypt for some reason))

    ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)learn how to do this:( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

    ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)play with kids (kids not teens). kids say weird things and their degree of innocence may make u laugh. because u deserve a laugh every now and then.

    ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)learn jokes and tell these jokes to others. looking at people laugh or smile makes u do the same too. laugh at them especially if they try to hide their amusement and sill end up showing a hint of their amusement.(fart jokes work best)

    ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)make something using YouTube tutorials or write down all the consumable things u have in your kitchen and make something out of it using this website: https://www.supercook.com/

    ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)learn how to fight.

    ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)write down whatever is on your mind(u might want to hide the book your write ur feelings on).

    ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) feed pigeons and other animals near your reach. and start at them.(u can also do a science experiment on what colours of clothes attract animals)

    ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) share the foods u make with other people.

    get a hotline to help u at this.(i don't know if this will work)

    Fi Aman Allah

  8. I feel bad for you and I will be praying for you . Whatever had happened you didn’t deserve to be treated that way SubhanAllah. i hope you in a better place now since it’s been 3 months after you posted this . You have to stand up for yourself regardless of who’s not there for you, your have the right to reject him if he was your boyfriend and had made mistakes. But they took it too far . I hope you recover from this and please don’t hurt yourself it’s not worth it

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