Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I can’t marry the one I love – Muslimah

worship dua tasbih

As-salamu alaykum,


I'm writing to release the continuous haunting thoughts.

A few months ago, my family and I went on holiday back to our home land. We stayed a few months there and had our fun. Meanwhile, I met a guy. A family friend to be exact.

I never once decided to talk or give him any attention. After a few days, I was surprised to see him visiting with his mother and sister.

I did my duty to serve the goods and all, then I sat alone in my room. A few hours later, I was only to be attacked and yelled at by my mother. Little did I know, the guy had asked for my hand. She began to accuse me of speaking to him via phone and all. I never did though.

Though, once I came to know that he asked for my hand, I did decide to speak to him. If a guy 18-years-old, had come to ask for my hand, without personally speaking to me but hearing nothing but good about me, then I see that, as a guy who wants to do things the righteous ways.

I asked him why he asked for me, when he knew nothing but sweet talks about me from the people of the town. He responded by saying if he wanted to get to know me, he wanted to do it the halal way, with my parents knowledge. In that case, was asking for my hand.

My parents had rejected him, though we soon learnt that we were becoming more then just 'kids who want to know each other'.

We continued to speak, he reminded me to pray and make dua for us. My feelings grew deeper, until we had left our home land to return back to where we currently live. We still spoke via phone (nothing but good) and he told me don't lose hope, we can work this out.

Though my mother continuously tells me don't think about him, don't think about it, we want nothing to do with the family. Mind you, I have no idea why she dislikes the family. His family know nothing but God, love and right ways.

Right now, after a few months of talking. Even though this is the first time I 'love', I prayed, asked Allah swt for guidance and pure cleansing.

My mother has no idea that we speak because if she did, I'm afraid I would lose her trust and gain nothing but hate, bullied and most likely attacked.

I love him, it's not 'puppy' love. I love him in a way i'm willing to marry him and hopefully both work our way to jannah.

The only reason (i think) my mother doesn't like him, is because he comes from a poor-like family. The middle life. Where you work hard and all for a little amount. Though I don't want his money, nor gold. I want him for him and I want him for his Deen in islam. My mother is into her religion too, but in modern days, without a good job or money, you would struggle for years! I totally understand her, though I'm in this for love

I'm afraid to put my foot down and tell my mother that I love him and I want him. Because my mother isn't someone who would understand but rather quickly misunderstand and hate.

He constantly reminds me that it's okay and he'd do what he could do and leave the rest to Allah swt.

The only problem here is I have faith, I do. Though I don't want to let my mother down, I want to keep her happy. Though I also don't want to let myself down and end up with a broken heart to keep others smiling.

I made it clear that I want him in all honesty and that my mother is loud and clear, she doesn't.


I've recently noticed I've dropped a few kilograms, day dreaming 60% of the time, anti-social....etc. It's just all weighing on me.


I need advice, because while Allah swt is answering my prayers and Duas, I still feel lost and afraid.


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4 Responses »

  1. Awww that is one of the sweetest things I've read(the first half anyway) but its a shame.
    My best advice to you is to tread Istikhara and may Allah guide you.

  2. Assalaamualaykum Sister,

    Salat Al-Istikhara is a great idea as Al has suggested!

    You write:

    "I'm afraid to put my foot down and tell my mother that I love him and I want him. Because my mother isn't someone who would understand but rather quickly misunderstand and hate."

    While I am not doubting that you know your mother very well, I think this might be exactly what you have to do. Be firm that you want to marry him. "Hate" is a strong word..she more likely is surprised and stressed out as it is not something she was expecting.

    I think you should tell her with the understanding that it may take her more time to process this. If she doesn't like the idea after you tell her everything, then drop the subject for some time and mention it again at a later time. In the meantime, separate yourself from the guy, as that can only lead to stronger feelings when your mother hasn't yet accepted. Out of curiosity, where is your father in all of this? If he is alive, (my apologies if he isn't), you should definitely be talking to him about this! He can then discuss with your mother.

    May Allah grant you ease.



  3. Salaam sister

    Do isthikara and ask guidness from Allah. Do not take it wrong way of what your mother is feeling. She is not thinking about herself but thinking about you. It's great that you want to accept him the way he is, but marriage is more than love, it requires financial stability. At the beginning of any relationship all you will care about love but later things most likely to become something else. It's the same story repeats all the time. A marriage is not important if you have to go through pain day by day. It's better to stay single than have bad marriage (But of course I don't mean you need to stay single). Yes, happiness comes from Allah, and not from money. But Allah told us to use our brain, so think wisely before making any decision. If you poke yourself with a needle you will definitely feel pain. So do isthikara and let Allah help find you solution.

    May Allah clear your path.

  4. I believe, what you're going through painful indeed. you are afraid of losing your mother, by going against, truthfully you shouldn't either, Mother don't think about herself, she only thinks about you, Well that my point of view. May Allah help you, and give you guidance. Just do not take a wrong step that could lead you to destroy yourself. I am saying because i am young as well and hyper too, I daydream a lot relating to love life, which i don't really have. youngster these days if do not find ay solution with there family they try different methods, use there own brain where they should not, at times their decision is also correct, but rushing things won't help, I meant do not end up in haraam relationship and not end up eloping.


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