I was forced to get married by my mother!
Salaamu alaikum my brothers and sisters
I am an 18 year old male student who is crying silently every night.
Forced marriage is not valid in Islam
Back in 2008, my mum told my younger brother and me that we were going to Germany for two weeks, as a holiday. Of course I was excited; this was my first family holiday!
We only stayed for a week, and then my mum said that we were going to Africa to visit our family. This was also great news because I left Africa when I was 1 year old and never met a member of our family. So, we were there for 2 weeks, meeting and greeting our families.
However, my smile turned upside down when my mum took me and brother’s passport away and said we weren’t going back to the UK. As you can imagine, I was devastated. I still had another year in secondary school; also I recently got through an audition for a charity theatre company. As a result, I became angry at my mum for the first time! I have never had an argument with her this bad, but I was in tears because she lied to us. She said it was only for a year and that she wanted to expose us to our culture. I had to accept this because 1) She’s my mother and I love her dearly and 2) There was nothing I could do about so I accepted it. I was force to enter an Islamic boarding school which teaches you how to read the Holy Quran, which I happily accepted. But within 2 months, my mum returns back to the UK, leaving my brother and I with one of my uncle.
After 6 months, one of the uncles I met, asked me to go with him to a house. When we arrived, there was food prepared in the living room. My uncle and I stuffed our faces (burped couple times). A young girl came to the room and randomly sat down near my uncle. Apparently, at the same time, my uncle’s phone rang and went outside. Thus leaving me and the mysterious girl alone. It was very awkward. This continued for the next three weeks. One day, my calls from the UK. I explained to her of what happened. She calmly said that girl was for me to get married to.
I was very shocked and told her that I didn’t want to get married. I just wanted to go back to school and finish off my education. Then my mum hung up the phone and said she will be back with us soon. That night I couldn’t sleep or eat. I was very scared. I am contemplating on people stories about arranged marriage. I wasn’t a fan of arranged married. I wanted to find love, rather it being arranged. I didn’t even think of marriage until my mum’s phone call.
Several months later, my mum returned. I told her how I felt about the situation. She said that she wanted me to get married as soon as possible. However I kept telling her that I’m only 16 and I don’t want to get married.
My mum just brushed me off. Luckily, the girl I was supposed to get married with ran away because she couldn’t take it either. Obviously I’m not happy that happened, and wherever she is, I wish she is wrapped in happiness, InshaAllah.
It was nearly coming to a year, by now my classmates must be in their exams.
In Africa, I attended a local school. I came home one day and saw girl sitting in the kitchen. I was hoping and praying that girl wasn’t for me.
Unfortunately, she was. This time I told my mum I had enough of this and wanted to go back to the UK. Obviously my mum refused. So she said I will only go back to the UK, If I marry this girl. At the time I wasn’t sure if this was blackmail. I had to say yes. But at the same time I didn’t want to get married.
So the wedding happened, and I had to pretend to want this girl. I was in a deep depression and cried solemnly nearly every night. I was there asking myself questions “Why would my own mum do this to me?”
So this is my question to you, brothers and sisters. In the Holy Quran, it teaches you to be loyal to your parents (especially your mother because there is heaven beneath her feet) and that you must take any challenge given to you like a warrior. I do understand that, but I’m not happy with this girl and the marriage. But at the same time, I heard stories where children disrespected their mum and ended up becoming mentally challenged or ending up with a negative life. And don’t want that. Right now my mum said she will curse me and disown me if i dont stay with this girl.
What can I do?
-noor1234
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Salaams,
Brother, I have to admit while I have read a number of posts where this type of thing has happened to women, this is my first time hearing it happen for a man. I can only imagine the different emotions you must be going through, and the different solutions you've tried to put together for your situation.
It's so hard to advise you what you could do since the sitatuation you were put in leaves you very few options short of running away in a strange land. Your mother unfortunately set up the sitauation in such a way that, she is the only one to monitor how you might get out. Of course Allah is always in control, but clearly she had an agenda in mind and she is ensuring it plays out as she imagined.
Allah may be the only ally you have. Throw yourself at Him in dua and InshaAllah He will provide a path for you to help ease this situation. While doing that, try to talk with your mother reasonably to see why she wanted this for you and look for an opportunity to share your thoughts and feelings with her.
As it stands right now, you are married, and I would suggest trying to make the best of it for what it is. I know how impossible it is to become attracted to someone, but perhaps you can find in your wife a very good friend? Perhaps her experience in marrying you (with her own family) is similar to yours. Have you tried talking to her and getting to know her as a person? Perhaps you two can learn to share the frustration of the situation you are in until Allah sees fit to adjust it.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
As salamu alaykum brother noon,
I am sorry to listen the painful situation you are dealing with, brother you can make of this situation hell on earth, what it seems is already, or finish your studies, try to make this marriage to work, talk to your wife, get to know her, give yourself a time to be able to know for sure you want to get out of this marriage.
You will always have time to divorce, but for now the best option is to give it a try, you are already married.
I don´t like this kind of behaviour where parents act as owners of the children, but I am afraid that when is our own mother that is acting this way is like having a sharp needle traspassing the Heart.
Brother Noon, please forgive your mother with all your Heart, forgive her despite all the pain she has giving you with her decisions, let Allah(swt) guide you and comfort you through all the process, put your trust on Him(swt), learn what you have to learn from the situation, submit to Him(swt) and learn to see the blessings that your tears are stopping you to see.
All my Unconditional Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Isn't a forced marriage against the tenets of Islam - why are you advising the man to stay in the marriage?
The Quran clearly says that a marriage without consent is no marriage at all - so why should this person be asked to deal with the marriage that is not islamically valid?
I find some of the answers on this site very misleading- on one end you talk about following the quran and the will of Allah and on the other end you give advice like the above?
How do you know that what happened is the will of Allah and not the consequences of the mother's wrongs?
Nobody knows the will of God and I am surprised that you say it is done and so must be right hence the person should go along.
To the man in this situation - you have been wronged and you need to stand up and fight your way out. Do not accept the misery of your situation- your mother believes she can get away with this and hence has behaved accordingly. There is no justification for bringing grief to your child just because they love you and toe the line.
Get to some government agency or non-profit that can help you- the UK has a forced marriages unit and I am sure they can help you end the marriage and move on with your life. You are young and have a long way to go - dont let people tell you that you need to accept your circumstances - anything that is against your will is wrong and needs to be terminated asap. Life is meant to be lived in a fulfilling manner and leaving a valuable legacy for the future generations - your mother has definitely failed at this and you need to make your own legacy and not follow her unethical and immoral ways. God be with you!
As salamu alaykum,
If you read again, he said he consented, it was forced but he consented and he married by his own will, he didn´t fight, he assumed his mother´s will as his own.
Who is telling you that the mother`s wrong wasn´t Allah(swt)´s will? Who knows Allah´s will? Do you?
Wasalam,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
aoa... shatterdcloud...
i like your comments... i feel you r the only person that understands and has good islamic advice...
can i please speak to you in private??? i am in a smilar situation to guy above... thnx... =)
Dear Wajiha,
It seems you have a painful story of your own too. I understand you want to speak to some, but we do not allow the exchange of email addresses. Log in and submit your question or your story as a separate post and we will try to offer you some comforting words or advice - whatever you wish.
May Allah replace your pain with happiness that brings you closer to Him(swt).
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
You answered your own question regarding the will of God- exactly we dont' know so you assuming that the mother's actions are ok and he should go with it is wrong similar to my argument that she may be wrong- neither of us know this for a fact. I used the opposite assumption to make you see the futility of your argument.
Also regarding consent- its a forced marriage whether it was physical or emotional pressure, it still is invalid.
Didn't the Prophet declare that a woman could annul her marriage as her father had forced her without her consent to accept the nikah? So why doesn't this apply to other muslims- this is what I mean when I say it is against the Quran and the will of Allah and hence unislamic. I am just quoting off what the Quran says. Are muslims not required to follow the teachings of the Quran or is it selective?
You will be suprised as how many parents manipulate the words of the Quran and say the children will be damned and cursed if they don't listen to the parents as Islam preaches obedience and respect to the parents. This doesn't not make it right- pressure is something a lot of children struggle with and they are caught between what they know of the Quran and what their parents are distorting and lose their ability to see the truth in the mess. This in no way means the consent is acceptable and the parents are right - they have committed a greater sin by forcing the child to do something against his/her will.
I am upset that your answers do not speak to the invalidity of a forced marriage irrespective of how consent was obtained as Allah forbade this clearly. People come to this site looking for guidance and to see this kind of conflicting guidance on religion may do more harm than good - please consider before you post answers like this.
As salamu alaykum
You are the one assuming, in my first post I wrote the following: "give yourself a time to be able to know for sure you want to get out of this marriage" and " I don´t like this kind of behaviour where parents act as owners of the children, but I am afraid that when is our own mother that is acting this way is like having a sharp needle traspassing the Heart"
Your words are full of rage, why instead of accusing you limit yourself to give a good advice and guidance to the people in need, I am open to learn from you too, I haven´t said in any other place or here that I hold the truth or that I am an scholar, I am an ignorant human being that try her best, sometimes better sometimes worse, your anger hurts me deeply, you are not teaching or helping me, you are trying to impose me the way you see things without even taking into account what I have written.
From now on, I will be very thankfull if you stop of making of this a personal issue and give sound, peaceful and respectful advices.
Barak Allah feekum,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Just one more thing I coud show you many posts where people were forced into marriage, you sound very affected by the situation, why don´t you think about the way to save people from this torment? This way you will focus your energy into creative ways to help and your anger may turn in hope, insha´Allah.
All my Unconditional Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I think you are the one personalizing the issue by saying I am full of rage- my comments pertain to my overall observations about the selective advice given and has nothing to do with my "so-called /assumed personal rage"
Oh and you still didnt address my question regarding the forced mariage and validity- like I said before the parent has committed a mistake and you say the child should accept the mistake and make it work. This is like saying ok you were raped so accept the rapist- how is that valid? Remember that the man here is fairly young and for someone who is still getting a view of the world through their family, education and other developmental factors , it is impossibly hard to overrule pressure of any kind.
Older men and women succumb to difficult circumstances and you are not considering the fact that this person is still young and probably succumbed as he is dependent in many ways on parental support so to say he consented and has to live with it is very judgemental - hence I was very candid and maybe even a tad strong in my reply.
I dont know you and you dont know me - this is a matter of principal and religious discourse and has nothing to do with your or my personal convictions.
I think everyone would benefit if you answer the question I raised and practice the respect you speak of.
As salamu alaykum,
I apologize in any moment you felt I didn´t respect you.
To compare marriage with being raped, scares me.
You will interpret my words the way you like, you are free to do it, I don´t agree with forced marriage and less of all to marry men or women at such young age but we are not dealing here with which are my thoughts, we are trying to give the best advice to this young man that has already enough pain to make it worse for him, and again I see this post as unique any person in other post will be the same unless the situation would be identical.
I am considering this person is young and if he goes against his mother will now, he may lose everything and may find himself alone in the street and cursed by his mother(for him the worst of the punishments), that is why I advice what I do. I am putting myself in his skin.
Related to answering the validity of this marriage or not, you should ask an Iman and he would give you the answer I am not able to give you due to my ignorance.
This is not a question of knowing each other, is a question to try to give the best advice we can to the person in need, only him is the one that will listen or not to our advices.
Thank you very much for giving me the opportunity to apologize.
Barak Allah feekum.
All my Unconditional Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Maria
No apologies needed- I view you as a fellow human offering a perspective and I challenged it as I didnt agree and presented my reasons. I recommended he talk to the Forced marriages unit in the UK as they deal with numerous cases like this and they may have the answers to him finding support and moving forward.
He is young and must be scarred by what has happened - asking him to try to make it work is too big a burden for someone with his level of worldly experience to cope with. This is the crux of my argument- by doing what you said he would be miserable and so will the girl he's married as the marriage itself lacks a foundation of attraction, compatibility and trust. You cannot build a tower when the base is flawed - they are too young to have the maturity and mental fortitude that a marriage needs to work. That is why he should move on and find himself, stabilize in life and hopefully in the future both of these people will find a good man/woman to share their lives with.
Your advice to turn to Allah is good but to wallow in misery and see prayer as a way out without doing anything is self-limiting and this is what I objected to. If this is Allah's will then what about Allah's advice on forced marriages- isnt that his will too? Advice is good when constructive and your viewpoint only looked at one aspect and missed the other hence I questioned it.
As salamu alaykum, shattercloud,
That is why you are here, Alhamdulillah. You are seeing the 180º that I don´t see and you are sharing it, Alhamdulillah.
Thank you very much for sharing.
God bless you.
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Your mother and uncle had not right to do this to you.
I don't believe you consented to the marriage as it was under duress and you are still young and dependent on your elders. You only did it because you wanted to get back to the UK.
I don't know what your family is thinking. Your a man and you can just say talaaq three times and get a divorce, which would affect this girl for her whole life. But before you do that, think to yourself, do I really want to do this.
My advice to you is if you still want to get back to the UK try telling them that if they don't send you you'll divorce the girl and disgrace the whole family (after all your family talks the language of emotional blackmail). Then once in the UK, study, and get a good job and call her over as your wife and you two can have a married life as adults.
Otherwise like the poster said above, the UK embassy has a forced marriages department. Contact them and see what they can do for you.
There is nothing wrong with standing your ground and fighting for your rights in islam. Just becasue you don't follow each and every command of your mother doesn't make you a bad person. Remember you must not follow them when they tell you to do something against islam, and forced marriages are against islam.
If she curses you or not, Allah is enough to take care of you.
Saying talaaq three times is a haram practice. That is not the Islamic way of divorce. Please be cautious about what you advise people.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I did not mean give three talaaq's in one, sorry if that is how it sounded. Also I did not wish to advocate divorce as the ONLY option, just that worst comes to worst, it is an option.
I just tried to convey what a precarious situation the family had put the girl into and hence they are not taking into account the consequences for either child.
Apologies if it was not expressed correctly.
The person who posted is a young man, but probably the girl, he married is under the same circumstances he is too.
Maria
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Totally agree with you Laali.
Brother noon, some may have advised you to try and make the marriage work. I personally don't see how that is possible when you are being kept almost a prisoner in another country, you've barely reached adulthood and on top of that you have been forced into a marriage, hence your marriage is invalid.
My advice is to try your utmost to get back to the UK and finish of your studies. If you feel you do not wish remain married then get a divorce.
You cannot worry about hurting your mother- your actions will only be the consqence of her WRONG actions.
As salamu aleikum.
First me all I will say that I an not a scholar, so if I make a mistake please correct me.
Brother, I really feel very bad what you have been through. Before I suggest a solution I would tell you that don't let the girl suffer for your mother's mistake.
First thing you need to do is stop crying. I know you are in pain but, crying man never solve his problem. You have to be strong. Let the evil forces go away. Read The holy Quran. Let the light come in. Nothing will change unless you stop creeping and take a stand.
It seems your mother has never listened to your problem. Write a letter to her explaining your pain. You see, in a letter there no argument. Its all your side. May be the mother's heart gets molten. Who knows? If that doesn't helps you out.
Now a question. Have you made friends there? Surely your uncle will not help you to escape.
Your passport is illegally taken from you. You can in to uk ambassy (in affrica) who deals with such things. May be this is the web site. http://www.ukinsouthafrica.fco.gov.uk/
I think it will take little time to get their acknowledgement but, will definitely help you to get required documents back to you and also to take you back to uk.
This will resolve your going back to uk.
But even if you go back where will you live? Think about that also. Call your uk friends call your school, call your teacher . . . Who knows help comes in which form.
Remember, all it takes is your effort and patience. so be strong first.
while doing all these I'll suggest to take your wife with you if possible. first get to uk. give proper time before you decide to divorce. after going to uk you will feel relax may be you will start liking her. Remember Allah hates divorce. If you still think it is not going to work you can make your call but, in proper way described in the holy Quran.
Lastly, I'll say at this moment you feel harassed. Its time to get over that. that's most important. come on you can do it.
remember newton's law you were taught in school. if something is moving it will continue to untill its stopped by some external force.
You have to stop what is going on.
may ALLAH release you from all the pain and give you a happy happy marriade life.
amen.
Our parents may hurt us, hit us, wrong us and give us great pain. BUT we can and are never allowed to give them that back in return. Remember that..despite everything your mother has done to you, you are still not allowed to utter 'uff' to her (as the Quran states).
Many a times we know what our parents do or say is wrong and that we have rights that they refuse us...but at times like this, one will fight back, get their rights by force and make their parents weep whilst another would be patient with their parents, do dua to Allah and try to make the best out of the situation. And to be honest, experience has shown that the latter has always proved to be the more successful one because doing that is harder and the more correct thing to do.
Sometimes in life we have the option of doing two things none of which can be classified as 'right' or 'wrong' hence in this case for you..some are telling you to make do and some are saying no leave- because ur case is one of those cases. It depends upon the individual and to be honest, we need to know the story from your mothers side too to be able to give a more accurate account.
Remember now that you are a married man, whether happily or unhappily, you have an obligation towards your wife. Its not just about you being happy or not..its about whether she likes you and wants to be married to you or not. If she wants you, then I strongly recommend you try to make a go of it; inshallah I hope over time, her interest towards you will incline you towards her.
And leave it to Allah swt to show your mum her wrongdoings...Because as children, we are not allowed to 'punish' our parents in any way at all or 'get back at them'.
Bro, i say this being a parent and also having being wronged by my parents at your age too. So i know how frustrating it is but dont allow ur hormones to get the better of you and make ur mother weep. For truly, when the mother cries, you can never be at peace.
Mashallah you sound decent and considerate in your post - ur words show that you do love your mother and are considerate towards her feelings, regardless of all that has happened between you guys. Well done for that and inshallah keep that up.
Also to all those recommending non islamic organistations to this brother to turn to like charities based here in Uk for forced marriages etc..my advice would be to not turn to them at all. No matter what, a non muslim organisation would not recommend you to follow Allah swt's way, to respect your parents or to generally do the 'islamic' thing...
I think in your situation and for someone your age, its best NOT to approach them.
Was salaamu alaikum
Why do people keep putting saying the girl is his obligation now. Or that now that they are married to try and make a go of it.
This is exactly the kind of mentality that lets parents and uncles like this get away with flouting Allah's rules.
How is he supposed to make a go if it. Should the two of them go out on dates and get to know each other and talk about the different tactics used to trap them both? I'm sure they'll have a good laugh.
Maybe the uncle could give the two of them a lift to a restaurant and give the boy some pocket money so he can buy himself and his wife dinner. Maybe he could borrow some more money later for when his wife needs clothes or food.
No. I really don't see how they could practically 'make a go of it'. What's he going to do when she gets pregnant. Accept charity from his family and get a job in a factory to make ends meet?
Yes the girl is in a worse situation than him, but that isn't his fault, and is a fault of the adults. They should deal with it. This just two people. If they don't take a stand other children in the family could suffer a similar fate.
And as for why we are recommending non-muslim organisations that deal with forced marriages, well its becasue there are NO MUSLIM organisations that deal with forced marriages.
I stick to my previous statement that the best thing would be for the boy to get back to the UK, finish his education, get a job and then call the girl over as his wife, when he is capable of fulfiling all his responsibilites as a husband.
Brother Noor, As-salamu alaykum,
Personally I feel that this was a forced marriage, and therefore invalid. Although you "consented", you did so only under extreme duress and the threat of not being able to return home. Also, you are very young and cannot be expected to stand up to your parents and resist this kind of blackmail, which means that you effectively had no choice.
It's very clear in Islam that a forced marriage is invalid.
I suggest you tell your mother clearly that you consider this marriage to be forced and invalid. Write a letter of divorce and give it to the girl, or send it to her.
I doubt very much that your mother will disown you. That's just another type of emotional blackmail. I do not feel that you are committing a sin by disobeying your mother in this instance, since she is the one who was wrong by going against Islamic dictates.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam to all,
I am really in a great confusion, and looking for a good advice as soon as possible.
My Parents wants me to get married, as my age is now 25 and being a girl as you know makes parent worry
about it.
But i am not mentally ready for the marriage. Infact there were some families my parent introduced me to,
but somehow i managed to say NO for them.
But now they are seriousely thinking about fixing with anyone which i dont want to know about.
Some of my friends who are married now mashallah and happy but still i don't feel like i can go for the marriage because to me i dont think i can handle or take this responsibility. I am straight, so dont think like others.
I religiousely see myself as a practisioner, and still want to learn more, i give as much time spending in prayers as possible for me after the home chores etc..
As far as i got to know myself, i guess i want to keep myself away from the marriage because i dont want to bring myself infront of any man. It scares infact its weird to me..
Because i enjoy my life and comfort at my home, surrounded with my parents, and specially my mother, i can't live without her and still when she asks me to get married it feels like still i couldn't do anything for her, and there's a long way to do something for parents and Allah.
Please kindly let me know, how can i handle my parents not to force me for the marriage, as its now going out of my hand. And i dont want to hurt them either, but dont even want to get married as well.
Waiting for the response please answer soon.
Thanks
Asra.
Asra, please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I mean like what the hell !
Asra your like 25 you can go anywhere, everywhere, wherever,and do whatever.
Make the change you desire and know what's right.
This days parents and people think their kids are weak you have to be like the ones that stood up for their rights.
Your a human like everyone wether female or male, you have two legs,two arms,two eyes,one brain,and your unquestionable inteligence.
use Your to legs to stand up for your human rights,your to arms to serve yourself your right's,your eyes to see your rights,your brain to let you aknowledge whats right and not, your inteligence to defeat your enemys or the ones who might destructe you and your body to fight for you will and pride.
were all humans!!!!
People - first comes first. THe marriage is invalid as per the Quran as it is forced. So where is the question of divorce being haram?? I read the responses here and it clearly shows why Islam gets a bad name today- because of people like you who cherry pick what to believe in versus not. i guess all the so called martyrs are also interpreting the verses to justify their evil causes and in all this the rest of the world who dont know about the religion take this as from Islam
As muslims, please be true to your faith in every way and then offer opinions not string words together taking bits and pieces of various verses to suit your argument. God help all of us!
1. The prohibition against forced marriage comes from the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh), not from the Quran (just a correction for accuracy).
2. Who has said that divorce is haram? You are arguing against straw men.
3. The responses here give Islam a bad name? Many people, including myself, pointed out that the marriage was coerced and therefore invalid. Maybe you're just looking for a reason to criticize Muslims.
4. Your last comments (I assume you are referring to terrorists when you speak of "martyrs") merit no response, as they are off topic and pointlessly argumentative.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Wael
Appreciate the insight on Prophet Muhammad vs the Quran but you confuse me here, isn't he speaking of what Allah has told him and the Quran is the record of that?
2. People here have said that "Allah hates divorce" and it is wrong and that was what I referred to - nothing against muslims. LOL i am married to a muslim man and he is aware of my general interest in world religion and my current endeavor to understand Islam better.
3. Again my response was directed to the people on here who are telling the guy that he married her and hence he is responsible for her, divorce is against Allah etc, to them I said that before getting to marriage and divorce, nikah by coercion is prohibited by Islam. Their rhetoric is similar to those of the so called religious militants who cherrypick what they want and interpret to justify their actions. I was just pointing out the similarity.
BTW you seem personally affected by my note above- no such intention on my part!
Not a muslim here, though I am an ex-marine who is considering converting to Islam.
In this situation play by their rules, but not to their objectives.
Clearly what is happening here is that the girl wants you for citizenship(for a better life and all that crap). Marry her to get back to the Uk, divorce, then shut down all comms between you, her, and you uncle. If they approach, react aggressively.
Killer, I appreciate that you are considering converting to Islam, but if you want to be welcome on this website then you need to be constructive in some way. Your previous comment was deleted ("Give me the name of the father, I will spend a few days in a hut with him and my knives"). Comments like that are just not appropriate here.
Semper fi.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
brother, you're 16/15?
surely you have feel some urge to fullfill your desire, so why not just stay with this girl and enjoy her since you have to.
your mother said she will CURSE you???
Salaa Brothers and Sister
Thank you so much for all your advice and Allah grant you a place in heaven. I'm officially back in London right now and couldn't be more happier. The person i feel the most sorry is the girl I got forced to get married to. She had to move from her family home to stay with strangers (my family) she never met and was also forced to get married to me. Reading the comments, I acknowledge few advices given to me. But i must state one thing; I can't stay married to the innocent girl. Right now, i don't want to think about marriage and by talking or looking at my mother, i always keep reminiscing about the betrayal that occured back in Africa. I have forgiven my mother as the love i feel towards her can never be shattered. My mother has gone quiet about the marriage but I do know she wants me to bring the girl to the UK. However, I told her it will be very dificult because the Home Office has become stricter on letting asylums into the country. One of the coditions is that the migrater has hold a conversation in English, but the girl doesn't speak one word of it.
Knowing this, my mum is becoming stubborn about it because she wants me to go back to Africa to get the girl, but I'm very scarred.
Inshallah my mother will open her eyes and see what mistake she has made. May Allah forgive her.
Thanks again
Dear Noori
What your mother has done is wrong she has also condemned the fate of this innocent girl as well as yours. I admit i haven't read all the posts above. But I was wondering what caused your mother to shanghai you into a coerced marriage at an alarmingly young age?
Kindly forgive me if im wrong, but did you display worrying behavior that made her fear for your chastity by assuming that marriage would curb it? Is it part of your culture or the norm for teenage boys to be married? I know that in our country perhaps a generations ago women including both my grandmothers got married at 11 (consummating the marriage only occurred after puberty) both my grans were very happy.
Although both grandfathers were in their 20's im sure that in other families the males would be married the same age you were, this is why i asked if it was a cultural thing or the norm brought on by traditional preservation of chastities, which isn´t a big deal since most western teenagers are s*xually active at the same age groups. Still enforcing a marriage in fear of that is too extreme a solution. Was that the reason?And couldn´t you have reassured your mom that you would maintain yourself, and logically waited to get married when your old enough to bear the responsibility?
Or has there been some sort of financial deal that that was struck to give this girl entry into the country, that would mean that on some level you were sold. I´m not saying this to turn you on your mom, Allah forbid, but you have a right to be heard whilst maintaining Allah's rules and being respectful.
I have a son who is younger than you and as a parent naturally i fear for his chastity and the chastity of women through him. I would be open to his getting married anytime after 21, yes i know that one doesn´t reach mental maturity until 26 or even 28 and even that depends on your life experiences so it varies from person to person. But i realise that you don´t have to be mature to get married, you have to be responsible, as far as maturity goes, it is a beautiful thing that couples mature together.
The maturity i mean here is gaining world experience and whats wrong with doing that with a 'sakan' and a 'libaas' the two words that Allah has used to describe the relationship between husband & wife and they translate to 'home/living in' and 'garment'
We live in the beauty and wisdom of islam, and when you look at how our misguided cultures allow for this boyfriend & girlfriend trend and they live or sample each other as 'living in' and they seek comfort in being each others 'garments' and we out of the respect of Allahs great wisdom live these two human states of 'living in each other' and becoming 'garments for each other' in the beautiful sanctity of marriage.
Notice that the western culture that frowns on young marriages accepts that their young test drive each other in today trend of boyfriend girlfriend lifestyles.
Who is the right ones, us or them?
Us who live it in halal or them who live it in haram and answer this in regards to the age they start.
This is why i say that if a man and woman are responsible to get married then they should.
Sakan and libas is love you want.
Before you divorce this girl and therefore transfer the wrong you recieved onto her ask yourself did you experience sakan and libas with her?
Ask yourself does she have bad characteristics , i mean is she difficult, mean, etc.
If she was agreeable then don´t rush to divorce her, keep intouch with her and get to know her, you won´t be doing any haram because she is your halal!
Consider this advise from your other mother.
Give yourself a chance to see what may blossom from this marriage, notice Allah makes no mistakes, the 1st one wasn´t your naseeb, she ran away, it was ordained by Allah that you marry this girl.
Maybe there is hekma (wisdom) in it, least of all what have you to loose by getting to know her, you just may find yourself in sakan and libas with her. Inna abqath ilhalal aánd Allah altalaq (the worst type of halal is talaq in Allahs eyes) lets try to not rush into that.
May Allah guide you to what is right and may Allah open the minds of parents whom under the name of Islam commit wrongs to their nearest and dearest.
As salamu alaykum, I submit to Allah,
Masha´Allah, I love to read your replies, thank you very much for sharing your knowledge and wisdom with all of us.
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear Sister Maria
Thank you for taking the time to read my long and sometimes disjointed responses.
I stumbled here by accident when i was looking up an islamic reference to a grave loss I was struggling to stand up from, I was and still am hurting very deeply from my own personal crisis. Perhaps never to be healed but at least the fog is dissipating and i try to see clearer.
Strangely I found solace in knowing i wasnt alone being tested and thus I began to seek peace in advising others. As im sure you most probably know better than I.
I most probably will be leaving the site soon, to replace virtual advise with a literal substitue instead and my time God willing will be fully preoccupied there.
If I have said anything of value, please use it in a new link above, i have quoted hadiths and Quran and pin pointed the demise of society which is the reason people come here to seek help. I mentioned this in the ramadhan thread. If any of what i have written can help you and the other editors with making points then it would be wise to reword it in a more constructive fashion and archive it along with one of the links above so it can be used when advising & reminding people.
My unconditional respect to you
As salamu alaykum Sister I submit to Allah,
I am sorry for your loss, the intensity of your feelings are reflected in your words, masha´Allah, trust on Allah (swt) to heal your wounds, one day not only the fog will be gone, you will also will see the sun behind the clouds in a dark day, insha´Allah, you are right the process of healing move faster while we help others, Alhamdulillah. We all carry a bit of the weight of the others while we share, this way we ackowledge us as a family in the full sense of the word, I cannot keep quiet while you are suffering, I may not be able to talk but my Heart connects to yours and I will pray Allah(swt) to release this suffering, insha´Allah.
I will be taking into account your comments in my own comments, insha´Allah, and to make more links above is something we all have on mind, we will try our best to work on it, insha´Allah.
I feel honoured and blessed by your Presence, if your duties take you apart from us, be sure you have a place in my Heart.
God(swt) bless you.
From Heart to Heart, all my Unconditional Love and Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Asslamualikum,
I really agree with this perspective - that no matter what I canot afford to break my parent's hearts over me. I don't know if that should always be the case - but I found it to be true in my own case. Allah sets us with different tests - according to what we need to overcome in ourselves or how we can get closer to Allah. Thats how I see it.
My own story is the oppostie. I would have done anything to get married at a young age.I know that I never had any hangups about marrying strangers - I guess I just held a dreamy type of viewpoint about marriage.
Perhaps it was becasue I come from a toxic family relationship and I wanted to get away from them. But I know that I also deeply wanted that sense of libaas.
Such a blessing was denied to me by my family and I was too shy to take it upon myself - I am female. it was too much for me to talk to them directly about it. Also back then i did not have confidence in my own thoughts - to do anything about it. And I guess i didn'nt know how..
Then when I was a little older I tried to help myself - it has always failed. I feel that the reason for this is because I can not get away from the family dynamics impact (on a number of levels - both active and passive) on my life Now i am middle aged and I still have the same problem - I see and feel that they are still resistent to my marrying - but I see Allah's wisdom in it - rather like the kihidr story - perhaps it will not apply to everyone but I do see a bigger picture in my own life in terms of the goals decreed on me in this life..
I know that I could speak to my family about it and more than likely I would be granted marriage - but I feel for certain that it would not be the best way, by challenging their wishes and needs. So i am just dependant on Allah's will - if he chooses it - the right precursors will take place.
Also - we are only here temporarily - so we need to make the best out of our situations for the sake of Allah - then we will be rewarded in full. InshAllah.
So my advice is surrender to Allah, let go of the hurt and abide by paradise on earth - in your hearts.
salam bro...
i cried soo much when i read your story, because this is excatly the same thing that is happening to me... im soo lost and depresed, ive lost interest in evrything, i just feel soo dead.. i dnt want the marriage aswel but as you ssaid, that if a mother curses you, you have badluck and stuff like that....
i have nothing to say anymore no one listens...
i wish allah will help us in some way soon.... inshallah
This is a misunderstanding Wajiha,
If your mother is cursing you because you genuinely do not wish to marry someone, this is wrong of her. Allah is not unjust. He can see what is happening and we will all be held accountable, so will your mother if she is emotionally blackmailing you and cursing you. Such curses are not of any benefit to the mother and hold no strength.
So leave these backward thoughts. If you genuinely do not want to marry the person your mother is pushing you to marry, then speak up now while you still have a chance. All you need to do is be conscious of retaining your manners while speaking up. A virgin/someone who has not been previously married cannot be married without her permission. You have a right - use it.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
aoa,
thnx... yeah i understand that now that i have researched it, i didnt know about this before but my nikha happend in december, and now i have no way out of it. unless thers a mircule
its so confusing,...
can i talk 2 u in private???
thnx....
Dear; sisters,
i posted my story, the best i could but got no response...
salams.....
dear, you the writer..
from what i see from your story it is very sad and painful...
how life treats you unfairly...
hope life goes easy on you..
and may god be with you..
Assalammualaikum
I would like to a question, is about marriage.
Is it right or wrong for parents or mother to force or pastering their son to get married....?
Mohammed, pestering and forcing are two different things. Pestering is sort of the prerogative of a parent 🙂 However, forcing is not allowed. You have the right in Islam to choose your own marriage partner.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I have some personal issue going on with me.
Mohammed, please log in and write your question as a separate post, and we will answer you in turn Insha'Allah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I have some personal issue going on with me, that is Why mom want me to get married ASAP... issue with me is...I'm a 2 sided. My family find bout it, how I wish I'm a super straight like those guys outside have a girlfriend. As for now I don't feel or think of getting married didn't ever come across my mind... but y mon insisting me go find girl and get married.By doing this I don't think everything is settle. What if the girl find out when get to know me? What if after married she find out about me? What if my children fInd out, Oh my dad is a queer??? I feel so stress. I don't want to hurt other people feelings. I'm tired of listen all this married thingy. The only way is I don't get married. I don't want to disappointed those in near future.;(
I remember reading your comment somewhere. Or perhaps you have submitted a post which is pending. If you have, then please wait until it is published. Else, submit a new post once you have logged in.
However, I have a doubt: what do you mean by 2 sided? Please be clear so that we can understand and advise you better, in sha Allah.
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I have some personal issue going on with me, that is Why mom want me to get married ASAP... issue with me is...
I'm a 2 sided. My family find bout it, how I wish I'm a super straight like those guys outside have a girlfriend. As for now I don't feel or think of getting married didn't ever come across my mind... but y mon insisting me go find girl and get married.
By doing this I don't think everything is settle. What if the girl find out when get to know me? What if after married she find out about me? What if my children fInd out, Oh my dad is a queer??? I feel so stress. I don't want to hurt other people feelings. I'm tired of listen all this married thingy. The only way is I don't get married. I don't want to disappointed those in near future.
;(
Assalamu Alaikum,
I am sadden by the situation of your, and how it's transpired which you find yourself at certain pickles - unable to get out of those problems, and the worst part is the role of Mother; played a vital role in rushing you to get married without your agreement, although, you consented to marriage, but the situation, as we observe from your narrative, will be viewed as coerced marriage.
According to Holy Qur'an, forced marriage is considered a invalid; however, disobeying parents is also considered unacceptable as well. I am familiar with your life; however, i have been coerced into marriage at the age of 25, even though, i have consented into marriage, but my life is in shamble, and my family took advantage of that. I have no one to count to, and nor i have any place of mine.
So, learn to tolerate while you can. Insha Allaah, Allaah will open some doors for you to make a place for yourself in the future, and possibly, far away from your family. Until then, i don't know what to say except abide in time while you can, until you can stand for yourself, in a sense of taking care of yourself. That's what i will be doing, and this is what you should be doing. Be patient and abide in time until you are independent.
There will be time that you will contemplate at the definition of Islam, and not in a good way. Then, you will be prompted to shudder to think of negative things like suicide. So, avoid negative factors despite of wrong-doing has done on you, and stay close to friends, and if possible, your family, the very same family who has brought this on you. You gotta stay alive, positive, and brave.
You will go the rebellious periods for certain periods, Allahu Alim, in a way of dealing with this injustice meted out on you. I am losing my mind little bit, but i pray the same doesn't happen to you. The life is the long and winding road unfortunately, i am afraid.
You need someone whom you can trust to pour your heart out, in a sense of crying out to ease on your burden or lift out burden from your system inside.
My prayer are with you.