Islamic marriage advice and family advice

In love with a Second Women in presence of First Wife

second wife

Hi, i am happily married for around 10 years now and have two kids. I have no problems in my first marriage and things have proceeded just normally as they are within a normal relationship.

Recently, i met another women and had fallen in love with her. The feeling of this love is so intense that i cannot control myself and i am being completely glued towards her. I have tried reading Namaz and prayed to Allah to either give me the strength to accept her in my Nikah or take me completely away from her and keep her away from me. Even tried everything to refrain from her ... but i really had these sort of feelings first time for any person.

While i know that crossing the line might not be the best option, what would be the right solution for the same in light of Sharia?

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10 Responses »

  1. Brother: You stated "I have no problems in my first marriage and things have proceeded just normally as they are within a normal relationship". But you are in love with another woman. This is what many people call Mansplaining to the maximum. I doubt that you "have no problems" but want to keep telling yourself that. Or is what you call a normal relationship one where the husband meets other women, fall in love with them and his present wife remains clueless of his behavior.

    What might be the best solution is for you to consider the mess you will create for someone you claim to love, along with your wife of 10 years and your children. Have you told this woman you love her? Have you spent time with her, although you should not? Ten years from now will you be writing that you have fallen intensely in love with a third woman? Are you prepared to give the woman you love so much a nice home, your time and energy and at the same time tell your children what you are going to do? Would you want your wife to tell you that she has suddenly fallen intensely in love with another man and wants to leave you?

    Of course you can have up to four wives. But polygyny is not that easy. And most women are not willing to tolerate a man who thinks he can manage it. Often that is so because the man really can not. It usually ends badly. And usually children suffer the most.

    • Great answer!

      Does the second women even want to get married to the OP (or has feelings for him)? Sometimes men feel entitled to marry women without even considering their feelings on the matter. Not all women are interested in being second or third wives.

      • I was going to ask the same.

        Does the other lady know that your interested in her? Is she interested in you?
        Dow she know you exist?

        How does she make you feel?

        Please provide a little more detail, so we can help with giving you a direction.

        All the best,
        Your Sis in Islam
        X

  2. The first person you need to b honest with here is yourself. Are you sure you’re truly concerned with the best way to deal with this in accordance to Islam, or are you just seeking validation to marry this woman despite what it will do to everyone’s lives. Do you really want to cause so much trouble for yourself and everyone else just for your selfish desires. Do you care at all for anyone except yourself? Be honest because a man who loves his wife and has a happy, respectful marriage based on Islam does not go off falling in love with random women at the expense of everyone around him.

    Put yourself in your wife’s shoes, how do you think all of this will effect her. I feel so bad for her, she has no idea her world might fall apart any day now. What a wonderful way to show her you love her.

    I’m sure you already know people will tell you if you think you’re going to commit adultery you should marry the woman you claim to be in love with, but I strongly encourage you to think logically and not fall for the whispers of shaytan who loves to break up marriages because this may very well be the end of your marriage.

  3. Salam,

    What you're feeling is pretty normal and I consider it to be the test from Allah. In most marriages there is a 2, 4, 7, and 10 year mark where the marriage gets less exciting. You are right around that 10 year mark and your wife is not as fresh as she was when you met her. This new girl is fresh and your feelings are based on how you think you could enjoy her. The excitement of spending time with her and having her in your life are causing you to feel like you're in "love" with her. The reality is pretty far from this though. What you aren't considering is that your kids will most likely hate you for destroying what they considered to be their family. They will most likely hate this new woman as they will see her as the one that caused the divorce. Unless your wife is willing to share her husband she may also feel hurt and initiate a divorce. So what you may think would be a great situation where you get both women with little change to your life has a high chance of you exchanging your current wife and kids for the new wife. What's worse is that once you are no longer married to your wife she has the right to marry again. Her new husband will be the father to your kids as you enjoy this new woman. Laying down rules you don't approve of yet have no say over. After two years you may even feel cheated that the love faded between you and the new woman. And then you may resent the new woman for putting a spell on you and making you lose a good woman with your kids who is now married to someone else. Funny thing is I have actually seen this happen in real life. The person involved kept saying "love is like a drug". Implying their actions were not their own.

    So see this as a test from Allah. Allah gives you good mates and you can marry them, but both you and that good mate will age. That fire hot desire that you have for the girl doesn't last. Both your body and hers will change and it's not the same anymore. This is why Allah asks that you lower your gaze. Because if you keep just looking at her you may adjust to how she's changing and not compare to a newer model. But if you look at others then that adjustment will be harder and you will be tempted to swap her for a newer one. And this is where you are now. You got a good marriage for 10 years and now the test of Allah is here. That good looking girl is in front of you and all you have to do is risk losing your family for her. You could try finding out if both her and your wife are willing to share you but even then it's a lot of work to run two wives. And the desire in the new girl isn't going to last. Good luck with whatever you chose. I recommend staying with the first wife and skipping the hassle though if you've had a good 10 years, but it's your life and your decision.

  4. Dear brother,

    This is a beautiful thing to hear.
    Ignore the negativity of other commentators and the anxiety you feel.

    The love in your heart for this woman has been given by Allah. Embrace it. This is a sign that Allah wants you to take a second wife.

    The Prophet (PBUH) had many wives and some whom he loved more than others.

    Consult a learned elder, preferably one without the Disney-fied monogamy influence and see what can be done in light of the Shariah.

    Speak to this woman too (in a halal setting) and see how you feel. You might discover that Allah has placed the burning embers of love for you in her heart as well!

    Salams.

    AS

    • Brother Aye Saifuddin,

      When you say this:
      "This is a sign that Allah wants you to take a second wife."
      You have no knowledge of this and you are merely guessing. Please don't do this without making sure that this is what Allah wants. In this verse it talks about people that claim what they wrote is from Allah:

      https://quran.com/2/79
      "So woe to those who write the "scripture" with their own hands, then say, "This is from Allah," in order to exchange it for a small price. Woe to them for what their hands have written and woe to them for what they earn."

      Imagine if Prophet Yusuf was writing in, you'd give the same advice: "Yusuf, Allah has placed the burning embers of love in your masters wife and in you, surely Allah wants you to take her. Besides, you are what her right hand rightfully possesses so you're doing nothing wrong." And then Prophet Yusuf would've been caught by his master at the door, she would've claimed he forced himself and that would be it.

      As for the process for this guy he would need to invite his wife to the wedding of this second wife. Even if she doesn't need her permission she must know as the marriage cannot be secret. Secret marriages screw up inheritance for the second wife and her children and are against Islam. If his wife is going to know, chances are she'll want a divorce. And this isn't because she is into Disney but because of her market value. Her market value would allow her to find a husband that doesn't want a second wife. The same is most likely true for the new girl. If you want two wives you would have to find women that can't get their first husband and then ask if they're willing to share. If they feel they can't get one they may be willing to share.

      • Her "market value?"
        SubhanAllah, what do you mean by that?

        Kindly clarify- BarakAllah.

        • Salam Ruby,

          Market value just means the value of something or someone in a market. It can apply to your skills in a job market, or in the case I'm using it, the value of a bride or groom in the market. If the value is high then that bride or groom will get a lot of suitors, if not then few suitors.

          As an example, suppose you have a 20 year old chaste girl with great skills, looks, and personality, and she comes from a good family. She will most likely get numerous suitors seeking her hand in marriage. So her market value would be high. Suitors that want her as a second wife will not be able to compete with other suitors that don't.

          Alternatively, a girl that is getting few suitors and those that come are bad choices would have low market value. At that point if a good suitor comes that is already married the father may consider that suitor as there are no other good suitors coming through the door.

          Similarly, a man may seek a second wife only to find his first wife is asking for a divorce. She may be able to seek a full time husband rather than keep a half time one. So to get two wives that would stay, half of the man's market value must be greater than the full value of any suitor that either wife could get. And you do see this in men that have high earnings and married poorer women or they are married to women that did not get any suitors for whatever reason.

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