Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Is my husband normal?

My Husband; A gift from Allah.

I am a women of age 25 and have been married for almost 1.5 years. I want to know if my husband is considered normal basically.

My husband is a very quiet person , actually saying quiet is a understatement it does not do it justice but anyways its been 1 and a half years and we still don't have any kids. I would like to say that he does pray all 5 times , and he reads the quaran daily before going to bed, he also spends his free time helping out at the mosque when ever he can. The reason I am stating these things is because I don't want anyone to think he is of a bad character or having a secret affair. Both me and my husband work at the same place and we see each other a lot although we hardly communicate at work as our departments are different. Now this is where the problem is he hardly talks to me at home only when I ask him something he replies. I really can't stress this enough it's like I am living with a mime. Even at work he only talks to few employees but usually only when its work related other then that I see all the other employees all hanging out in groups while I usually just see him working at his desk. I also asked some of my fellow employees and they all say he only ever talks when it's on a work related topic. My husband has 2 siblings and all of them are so outgoing even his parents are so outgoing and like to throw tons of get together parties (within Islamic limits) which he usually never attends to or just drops me off and picks me up. I tried talking to his parents about his behaviour and from what they have told me they said that they first noticed him becoming like this when he was only 15 and ever since then they have tried there best to change him and help him be more social but all there efforts have failed and he is now 26. Furthermore when ever I bring this topic up with them all his parents do is apologize, which makes me feel bad both for his parents and him because I feel like I'm talking behind his back, which I know isn't right.

Moving on in out 1.5 years of being together he never once approached me for sex, when I try to be intimate with him, he changes the topic (not in a harsh way) which I just don't get. Once he told me that he finds sex disgusting. I don't know if he was joking or not. Recently I was talking to him and asked him if he ever had a gf in his teen days and he said no as he knew it was haram and that he went to a boarding school so I guess it makes sense. I also did tell him that I once had a boyfriend when I was 16 (I know I shouldn't have but I wanted to be honest with him) when I told him this all he said was that whatever sins I have done are between me and Allah and that I shouldn't disclose things like that to anyone. To which I was surprised because most men would flip out. Ever since I told him this I'm scared to talk to him not that hes being rude or anything but there's this fear inside me that's stopping me to confront him or look him in the eyes.

I don't know what to do should I just go without sex for the rest of my life? Should I divorce him? But that would be so stupid he is such a pious human being and always respects me, sometimes when my shift at work runs late he makes dinner for us both and waits to eat with me. (He also cooks a lot more then me just because I really don't have much time on hand). Everyone including my parents really seem to like him and I do too.

I would also like to tell you that there are some strange things in his behaviour I noticed: first  he usually always walks with his head down , he always usually avoids eye contact with others but he makes eye contact with me or our elders. Also I find him staying up really late at night in the living room just sitting in the dark and either hes just staring into blank space or reading a book. Is this type of behaviour normal?

Overall I am very frustrated and don't know what to do. I was saving sex for my husband but seems like he's not interested. (I do repent for my previous bf all the time I hope I will be forgiven, I never engaged in zina with my bf but still I know it was wrong of me to have a bf I don't know how satan got the best of me, I'm so ashamed and feel like I have been unfaithful to my husband 🙁 although he was very nice about it) furthermore like I stated he is almost like a mime and only talks when I talk to him, I don't know what to do about that either I get sad sometimes. Sorry for such a long post kind of needed a outlet to let all this sadness out 🙁


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49 Responses »

  1. Assalaamualaikam

    When I was reading through your post, one thing that came to mind was: could he have an autistic spectrum disorder (like Asperger's syndrome)?

    People with these types of difficulties can find it really hard to engage in social interactions, to figure out things like eye contact, etc. Some people can also be very sensitive to sensory stimuli, so sitting in a dark, quiet room might help de-stress by removing some of the external sensory stressors. Sex and intimacy can be challenging - so many emotions, internal feelings and external sensory input can be overwhelming and even quite distressing.

    If you feel this could be a possible cause of your husband's behaviours, it might be worth speaking to him and seeing if he would be interested in finding out more about it. There are plenty of resources online (eg. the National Autistic Society) which could be helpful, or he could speak with his doctor.

    From what you've written, he sounds like a good man. He's pious, caring, hardworking, and has shown that he wants to build a life with you. Talk with him - tell him how you feel and what you think about things, including sex and intimacy.

    Midnightmoon editor

    • Assalam alaikum,

      I completely agree with Sr. Midnightmoon. I have worked with some people that have Asperger's syndrome and much of your description of you husband seemed to describe them.

      I believe you should take Sr. Midnightmoon's advice and speak to your husband and involve a doctor into this conversation.

      Until you do not know the entire problem, you should do your best to discover the issues at hand and not take any decision to divorce. Although you have many challenges, there are many good qualities that your husband possesses. May Allah swt ease your difficulties and help you and your husband in finding a solution for one another. Ameen.

      • I agree. Your husband seems to have a lot of good qualities, although it must be difficult for you try to seek professional help to understand your husbands behaviour before separating/divorce etc. May Allah swt make things easy for you both and bless your marriage, Ameen.

    • Another guess: you said his parents informed you that they first noticed this withdrawn behavior from him in his teens. I wonder if he might have been sexually molested by an adult at that time. That could explain some of the behaviors you see.

      We could guess all day long, but we have no way of knowing the real problem. Your husband needs to see a therapist who can help him get to the root of the problem and Insha'Allah get over it.

      I feel divorce is premature at this stage. However, sexual relations are one of the rights of marriage. I this problem is not resolved within a reasonable period of time, then divorce could be considered.

      IslamicAnswers.ocm Editor

    • Surprise my husband has same natural .I am so sad I can't hubby ,his face always like a angry bird

  2. OP: Moving on in out 1.5 years of being together he never once approached me for sex, when I try to be intimate with him, he changes the topic (not in a harsh way) which I just don't get. Once he told me that he finds sex disgusting. I don't know if he was joking or not.

    Question is, is sex disgusting or if he has erectile dysfuntion? If you have never seen him with an erection, you need to take him to a physician/sex therapist.

    If sex is disgusting for him why did he get married in the first place.

    • You think everyone has erectile dysfunction

      • lol @amna I found your response hilarious! I thought I was the only one who noticed lol 😀

      • Can we please not be so critical of SVS's responses. I understand that some people's responses might not seems helpful ,but this site is really based on opinions right? We all give our two cents. I just find it sad that he/she gets made fun and reprimanded for his/her opinion sometimes.

        This goes out to other people on this site that I noticed do this to him/ her and SVS never answers back.i just think that if some one has to give their opinion about an opinion, at least can we try not to give it in a demeaning manner that almost reduces the other person's intelligence.

        I just find it sad...... Especially because you never know what such comments can do to the person receiving them.

  3. Your husband need counselling, may be he is suffering from depression or low self esteem, you need to help him and TALK to your family and his, go to a muslim physiatrist or marriage counseller. Every thing will be alright , be patient and repent sincerily, wish you a happy married life

  4. Assalamu alaykum

    I have Autism/aspergers

    And socially it can be hard for people on the spectrum to act socially.

    I would suggest you read some online material, as you would know more about your husband than any of us.

    I do recall an article discussing low.libido for some people with aspergers. A higher IQ correlating with a low libido.

    For my diagnosis, it wasn't until I personally started reading the material that I noticed how many actual asperger traits that I actually had.

  5. Even if he has autism, he finds sex disgusting. I'm not sure how you can teach a healthy 26 year old man to have a libido. I'm not suggesting for a minute that you be unkind or insensitive. I'm just suggesting that you gain as much knowledge as possible and find out if he is capable of being a husband, sexual partner and father. Fathers require a great deal of interaction with their children. I'm also wondering why his family of origin did not seek medical attention for him, and now you are the one who has to take on that role. It is a serious one and his family really should be getting involved. You are 25, you have needs and likely desire motherhood and companionship. This situation needs to be evaluated quite thoroughly.

    • I agree. They both can accommodate and adjust for each other on a lot of things, but I don't know how you get over something like this. If this is really how he feels about sex, frankly I don't understand why he got married in the first place.

  6. He is just radical in his Islamic belief.

    He needs counselling and someone should explain him in Islamic way that even our great scholars had sex and children.

    I would say trigger him a lot by wearing smaller cloths or ask him to help you in wearing your braces. Expose your self. Hug him tight.

    Tell him that you will feel good when you feel on his chest. Wear revealing cloths etc.

    Good luck and you opportunity for inmate is very close

  7. Thank you for the replies. I have tried everything I even encouraged him to go see a counsellor, he wasn't happy about it but didn't object either. When we were there he seemed very uncomfortable answering the questions the counsellor was asking. I told his parents about it, they seemed just as puzzled as me about everything , they both even talked to him a few days ago but I don't know if it had an impact.

    Are there any specific clothes I can wear? if so what are they? would they even make a difference at this point?

    He had gotten even more quiet after visiting the counsellor 🙁

    what can I do now?

    • Maybe he should go to a male Muslim counsellor by himself without you.

      Your presence is making him nervous.

      Does he know how you feel?

    • Sister,
      Sexual attraction is not a learned behaviour. It is an instinct.

      It seems like he is more than just a quiet guy. He does not seem to take an interest in life around him. He does not interact with you except in a very limited manner. You said yourself that he only speaks with you if you ask him a question. Your husband was like this before marriage (presumably) yet his family did nothing. Sister, a person should not be walking with their head down.

      A husband is your closest relative, your friend and protector. A husband teaches his children, plays with them, teaches them social skills. He is the leader of the family in the true sense. I'm not sure If a few counselling sessions are going to transform him into a protector, companion and lover.

      It does not sound like he's a bad person. I would just be sad for you if you gave up your entire life for a man who does not seem to have normal social, psycho-emotional and sexual skills.

    • Precious Star is right. It's one thing to be embarrassed or nervous about sex or shy about being with a new spouse, but it's another thing entirely to have no sexual interest in your spouse and to feel that sex is disgusting. Maybe he can get over those feelings, but it'll probably take years and years of intensive therapy and frankly it doesn't seem like he's particularly interested in changing this aspect of himself. He's probably quite happy not having sex because he's just not interested. Honestly I think it was selfish of him to marry you. His parents probably would not have guessed the extent to which he is averse to female companionship, but he must have known he felt this way about sex and that any woman would expect some level of intimacy, and yet he married you anyway. I'm not saying he's a bad person, but this situation is very unfair to you. I hope it's fixable, but I think you need to prepare yourself emotionally and mentally for the fact that it might not be.

      • I think a lot of parents hope that marriage will change their sons. I personally know people with adult children who have psychiatric problems, a mild intellectual problem, etc, and they really believe that its ok to get their child married off.

        so the parents here probably did not disclose the complete situation. The girl probably just saw a practicing muslim who was very shy, and didn't question anything.

        • I see your point about his parents using marriage to 'fix' him so to speak, but at the end of the day he must have known that he doesn't have any sexual interest. He should have said to his parents, "Marriage isn't for me." Instead he went through with it and now here we are. That seems unfair to me. But I don't know, perhaps he tried to speak to his parents and they convinced him that his feelings would change after marriage - that's not unheard of either. I may be judging him too harshly because I have so much sympathy for this young woman.

  8. As salaam alaikum, I supplicated to Allah that he make it easy for you.
    I have commented a few other times on this site and generally do not like to use my personal life in my comments, but I think it might help your understanding of the question" is my husband normal"?
    I do not know your husband but based on your explanation I can co relate with my experiences.
    I am a little older than your husband, and am still unmarried and one of the reasons being I feel very shy to speak to or even be around women, I just do not feel comfortable. I am a confident and outspoken person but just cannot speak to women, going to a boys only school, and being brought up in a guys only family might be reasons. I do feel attracted to them, but have the fear of anything wrong as per islam so I completely shut them off but I do intend to have a open relationship with my spouse. As of now I only interact comfortably with my mom. I had to work very
    hard to interact with women while at work, initially they used to feel I was being rude to them and had complained/mentioned to my supervisor.
    My parents and siblings are very outgoing, but I avoid most parties when I felt most of those were hollow and show offs and I avoided every party where there is gender mixing. I am not trying to show off, if it is good it is only by the mercy of Allah, if it's bad it's my shortcoming.
    My dad and a sibling has been a great help in the past couple of years wherein they have been helpful in just listening to my discomfort in these situations.
    I believe your husband just feels shy with you and in terms of his spending time alone, some people are just introverts. From my experience I have had a couple of friends very close while staying away from many people, I believe you can help your husband by just listening to him and making it easy for him to open up to you. I am sure if he opens up to you he would be able to have a much better interaction. In terms of intimate relationship, I have no advice but just a point that even I am afraid and shy about intimacy if I do not feel that my spouse is my best friend and if cannot connect to her emotionally, so I pray tht Allah makes you his best friend. I Have primarily commented coz I feel your husband is not abnormal, just different.
    I have no idea about any syndromes or medical issues but if needed you can contact any islamic counselor and then maybe a medical practitioner if needed, but if what I think is accurate it is just discomfort and shyness in interacting with the other gender and also with people that your husband doesn't feel that he connects to. I make dua for you and the best medicine is you continue to make lots of dua for your husband and you. Wa as salaam
    Ps: the sequence in this comment seems a bit messed up, limitations on my phone but I can comment again in a clear manner from my pc

  9. thank you again for the reply's.

    We are both now taking marriage counselling sessions, and to be quite honest even I'am not comfortable answering the questions that they are asking , those are far to personal. Last night I did talk to him directly on the matter and why he said that he finds sex disgusting. He was very reluctant and tried changing the topic many times, but then finally gave a cryptic answer.

    He basically said that growing up he has been bombarded with the images of sex/women. He furthermore said that in school all he ever saw was half naked girls and this had caused him to always walk with his head down because he so frightened now that if he dares look up he will see another girl wearing really small clothing. He also says that he would try to avoid going to places with his friends due to people dressed inappropriately and they would talk about disgusting stuff...

    He also mentioned exposure to all this filth all around him has disturbed him greatly and he's afraid to even watch videos on YouTube or watch TV because there are so many inappropriate adds. ( ads of women in short clothes or sex related)

    Ps: he was born and raised in Canada.

    What do I do now? how can I help him? Is it really possible for a man to have no sexual attraction? or maybe even no libido in his case?

    One thing I want to mention is that he has no problem hugging me and always hugs me.

    • Hello sister. I think that you and your husband need to continue with counselling no matter how uncomfortable it is for both of you. Think of it this way, you would undress in front of a doctor if you had a physical problem that needed addressing, correct? And if you had a really serious issue and the only doctor available was male, you would undress in front of him too, yes? Counselling is the same thing. The counsellor doesn't ask you these personal questions because they are perverts, just as a doctor doesn't ask his patients to undress because they want to see people naked. So you need to persevere and continue to go to the counsellor for as long as it takes for you to have a healthy marriage.

      It is possible for a man to have no libido and no sexual desire. You may want to look up asexuality online and see if your husband meets that description. Asexual people have no interest in sex - some can perform the act, but others are averse to it.

      Your husband is to be commended for his steadfastness in lowering his gaze growing up in Canada. However, now that he is married what is normal is for him to be excited about the prospect of finally being able to fulfill his needs. It seems that instead he continues to associate sex with sin and shame which is very unhealthy. This is why you need to continue in counselling.

      Continue to have an open dialogue with your husband about this issue. The better you understand his thinking on this, the better you will be able to address it. Inshallah with the help you are getting and with continued work from both of you on this issue, you'll be able to address it and move forward with your lives together.

      My heart really goes out to you. This should be a time when you enjoy your youth and beauty with your lawful husband, but instead you're going through what I'm sure must be a painful experience for you. May Allah reward you for your patience and for your sincere efforts to sustain your marriage.

    • It is unusual that he can hug you, and not feel any sexual attraction at all. It is very unusual. He may be asexual, or, he may be gay.

      While he may have been turned off by the sight of scantily clad teenaged girls, his explanation doesn't make sense. If I was surrounded by chocolate, I would be very tempted to eat it all the time. Even if I was on a diet, I would sneak a taste now and then.

      The third possibility is that he was sexually assaulted as a teenager and has been traumatized. I've worked with individuals like this before and while many can learn to deal with the trauma though intense counselling, many nonetheless remain damaged souls.

      Keep in mind that none of this explains his impoverished social skills.

    • Assalam alaikum,

      I am really happy that dialogue is beginning to open between the both of you regarding this very essential part of marriage.

      I can't imagine your pain and suffering, nor can I understand his behaviour completely either. I think that you are doing well and that you should both continue on this path for now.

      Perhaps some Muslim Brothers can comment to help you out on this as well--I wonder if images of women caused him to repress his feelings to the opposite extreme--perhaps because he was afraid of what it aroused in him--although, it could be abuse that he suffered as mentioned by some. If that is the case, he may be very reluctant to talk about it, especially in front of you. Hopefully the both of you are attending counselling both together and separately as well.

      Also, your comment mentions that he avoided looking at women and meeting with those who would engage in "disgusting talk"--so it seems he is not unaffected by sexuality, but rather his reaction is not common. Have you ever asked him how he feels about you having desires for intimacy with him? What is his reaction to that?

      I do want to say that down the road, regardless of the outcome, I believe you will feel better knowing that you have stepped on this path of seeking help and answers. You deserve happiness in every aspect of marriage and I pray that Allah swt eases your pain and helps to sort your problems, Ameen.

  10. Muslimah30: What do I do now? how can I help him? Is it really possible for a man to have no sexual attraction? or maybe even no libido in his case?........One thing I want to mention is that he has no problem hugging me and always hugs me........Last night I did talk to him directly on the matter and why he said that he finds sex disgusting. He was very reluctant and tried changing the topic many times, but then finally gave a cryptic answer.

    I am sure millions of Muslims grew up and went to school in Canada with half naked women. Million of Muslims watch porn on the Internet in countries like Pakistan, Egypt, UK etc. I am sure most of them have their libido intact.

    In your husband's case avoiding half naked women has lead him to loose his libido. Sex therapy may help him.

    He always hugs you. You can try non-sexual massage (no sexual touching) with him and see how he reacts

    • Whoa, why bring Pakistan into this? This is offensive

      • They are the top country that watch porn a lot.

        • Liar, stop posting lies I know that people watch that filth in that country but what you stated is a lie

          • Asalamualaykum Muhammad,

            The poster should not have called out any countries in their reply, whether Pakistan, Egypt, UK etc. This was wrong. There are people with sins everywhere, in every country. Sweeping generalizations like this are unacceptable. It also isn't right on your part to call someone names like Liar. I know we all struggle with these minor faults from time to time, but they lead to bigger faults. Let's respect each other.


          • Dear Sister,

            Maybe you're right in your stance but I firmly believe that this website should disallow any publishing of factually incorrect data, google trends will show an accurate picture of top porn watching countries. In Pakistan we've busted more than 400,000 porn sites. We're making further arrangements to make it impossible to watch porn even when using VPN. If you've any exposure to discrete math and have studied propositional logic then just by proving his claim to be false I can start that he lied. May be I was a bit harsh, but nothing triggers me as much as when someone attacks my country especially with incorrect figures. Coming from a white hat

          • Walaikumassalam Sister

  11. have you tried asking him directly that you want sex? hes your husband there shouldnt be any shame in just asking him. i find it pathetic that people are going as far as saying he has autism or needs to see a physiatrist, just because he doesnt want to have sex, and marriage isnt all about sex. As a 18 year old asexual boy i can understand what your husband is going through. These comments here have disturbed me.

    I think the best soloution would be to ask him what you want from him. This counselling stuff may not help because a person can only change if they want to not because others want them too.

    • Sr. Midnightmoon is a doctor--her or I or anyone that have mentioned autism did not mention it as a way to put anyone down--in fact, if a person has autism, there is nothing wrong with that as there are varying degrees of it. When you say that it is pathetic, you are actually putting down people that actually have that syndrome.

      Marriage is not all about sex, but sex is essential in marriage, especially for a young person--male or female. I can just imagine if this post was by a brother regarding his wife not having sex since they were married for 1.5 years, people would be posting hadith about how the Angels would be cursing her or telling him to divorce her or take a second wife. And clearly, an intimate relationship is important to the OP and there is nothing wrong with her seeking help in this matter.

      Furthermore, if a person has no interest for intimacy in a marriage--either they should make that clear and seek someone with similar interests OR simply not get married. This is not exactly a fair thing to not disclose as it infringes upon a basic right in marriage.

    • Assalaamualaikam

      I'm sorry if you felt offended by what I wrote. That was not my intention, nor was it my intention to suggest that simply not wanting sex means there is something wrong with a person.

      The reason I suggested considering whether he might have an autistic spectrum disorder (not necessarily autism) is because of the wider difficulties he is described as having with social interaction and communication. If this is a factor, it doesn't mean there is anything inadequate or inferior about him, but understanding some of the difficulties a person faces can make it easier to support them and have a happy relationship with them.

      Midnightmoon editor

    • demise: As a 18 year old asexual boy i can understand what your husband is going through. These comments here have disturbed me.

      Just ignore the comments about psychological diagnosis,

      Have you been asexual since birth? Has a physican checked you for any deficiency of minerals/vitamins or imbalance of sex hormones?

    • So you were a male all this while!? (tho irrelevant) I always thought you were female. And you are asexual as well? God help me (no offence) 😀

  12. Alongside counselling it's probably a good idea to see a doctor to make sure there isn't an underlying medical conditions - thyroid function, testosterone levels etc should be checked.

  13. Iam not putting anyone down. Its wrong to say someone might have a syndrome just because they refuse sex. is this how importantly sex is viewed? I see many amazing qualities about her husband. He didn't even make a issue when she told him that she had a previous bf? how many men can handle that as well as he did? reading some of the other posts on this website I know not many.

    • I agree, her husband has some great qualities. He cooks for her, cares for her, waits to eat with her--there is no doubt in all this--but none of those things are substitutes for intimacy and clearly, the OP, wants intimacy. I would say most people, in fact, the majority of people would want a marriage with intimacy no matter how wonderful their spouse was in other ways. It's natural. Some things can't be replaced or substituted. Like, if you were going to make banana bread without bananas...its the key ingredient! You won't have banana bread no matter how much sugar and and good quality butter you add....

      And if it is wrong to say that someone may have a syndrome for refusing intimacy, that sort of implies that he is refusing it for no reason at all which is sinful. It isn't "normal" for most people to refuse intimacy to their spouse right from the start of the marriage and then ALSO never expect it to come up as a subject. Perhaps, this behaviour is normal for him, but generally speaking, majority of people would want intimacy right after marriage. And even if he has a syndrome, there is nothing wrong with that either. If you google Daniel Tammet, you will find he is an autistic savant with amazing brain capabilities that most of us would be in awe of. Knowing if someone has a syndrome just makes it easier to understand them and communicate with them.

      As for her past relationship, she was 16--not even an adult--and clearly she is sorry for that and it appears she snapped out of that. She shouldn't have to 'pay' for that by opting out of intimacy for the rest of her life in a halal marriage--your comments have an underlying tone that she should happily live without the expectation of sex because of the other great qualities her husband possesses. Somehow those should make up or substitute for no intimacy.

      I think we can say that conflicts can occur in marriage between two good people. Hopefully this couple will be able to reconcile their issues in a reasonable amount of time, but if they can't, that doesn't make either one of them a 'bad' person for wanting to live their life in the way that suits their needs. Besides, no one has suggested outright divorce--the general tone and suggestion is that the couple seek counselling independently and together to rectify the problem (within a reasonable amount of time for obvious reasons.)

  14. @Svs , don't know if since birth because I cant remember , what I was like back then.

  15. I'm not implying that she shouldn't expect intimacy ,that's her right, but if that's what your picking up then that's a different story. In my opinion she should just be direct and ask him what she wants. If he says he will not have sex with her , then all this counselling stuff is of no use , because like I stated before you cant change someone just because you want them to change.

    OP:Moving on in out 1.5 years of being together he never once approached me for sex, when I try to be intimate with him, he changes the topic (not in a harsh way) which I just don't get. Once he told me that he finds sex disgusting. I don't know if he was joking or not

    If he hasn't approached you then maybe she should approach him. Just because he isn't comfortable in talking about it doesn't mean he wont have sex.

    Like the op said herself she isn't even sure if he was joking or not when he said that he finds sex disgusting, so before the Op continues with all this counselling stuff she needs to ask him if he will have sex with her or not.


    He was very reluctant and tried changing the topic many times, but then finally gave a cryptic answer.

    -Since he was very reluctant maybe he was just trying to come up with a excuse ,and then finally gave The op that cryptic answer. The keyword here is cryptic , so this may be what the Op picked up from it when she was trying to analyze his answer.

    With all that said the OP has to be open and ask her husband what she wants from him.

    Another possibility is that he is very shy and just waiting for her to make the move.

    The fact that he has no problem hugging her, is leaning more towards the side that he is not asexual.

    • I personally interpreted the post to mean that she has asked him for intimacy and tried initiate it and he continuously turns her down, albeit gently. So she has done what you're suggesting. Also the fact that they are in counselling about this issue suggests very clearly that he is refusing, one way or another, to consummate the marriage. Otherwise he would say why are we going to counselling? She would say, well we don't have sex. And then he would offer to rectify the situation. But he doesn't.

      Also, the problem is not just that he refuses intimacy. He also exhibits other behaviors that are not normal for a man his age; for example he never starts conversation and only ever speaks when spoken to, and he has trouble making eye contact with others. I think we can both agree that that is outside the scope of what most would consider normal behaviors. For the poster, it is emotionally exhausting to have to constantly initiate and carry a conversation with the man she lives with, on top of which she also is not getting her full rights in the marriage.

      I feel like perhaps because you identify as asexual you are taking this post a little too personally. No one is saying that asexual people all have autism, but in this case there are other factors that lead us to this conclusion. Also, you ask if sex is viewed with so much importance and I have to tell you yes it is, especially for someone like the poster, who is young, newly married and has saved herself for marriage, this is very important to her. Sex is not just about the physical satisfaction, it is about feeling loved and desired by your spouse. A lack of intimacy can harm her sense of self-worth and make her feel ugly or undesirable. She has every right to expect intimacy from her husband and if he cannot provide her with that he should have been upfront from the very beginning. It is very likely that if they cannot get over this hurdle the marriage will end.

  16. i only touched on him being asexual because it was brought up in some of the comments. I have also dismissed that possibility. This has nothing to do wih me , im not taking anything personal , im trying to get a point across, which is counselling isnt going to make him have sex with her , i know counselling isnt always free the poster may be spending alot of money for no reason. The other things can be linked with social anxiety or a feeling of not belonging. Maybe he is just a introvert by nature. Maybe something happened to him before marriage that made him like this. The possibilities are almost endless. If both of them dont feel comfortable at the counselling session , then whats the point. Dont you go to a doctor to get better? Or to feel furthermore uncomfortable

    • Hello sister i used to have a science teacher with Aspergys syndrome in my college. And from my judgment people with Aspergys syndrome can be very smart people with high professions in society like doctor, lawyers etc. But socially they are far behind in fact they don't have a social life so I strongly advise you to take him to a doctor for a diagnosis or any other specialists in learning difficulties and then inshallah you will have more specific result

      • Sister there are a lot of specialists out there who deal with people with learning difficulties so please contact when in your area and they can do a diagnosis. By the way I was thinking that u and ur husband should go for hajj and u pray to Allah there in Mecca and then the rest u leave it to Allah and inshallah he will give u the results because u will have done something for Allah so he will help u as a result of that

        • Also please tell me how often do u pray tahajjud prayer? I advice u to start praying tahajjud prayer at the most every once a week preferably on Saturday night as on the following next day u don't have to go work so you can have enough sleep. Once u start praying tahajjud regularly in ur life is only then u will see the miracles of Allah. Because by the time u speak to a sheikh or imam for advice for ur husbands condition they would also emphasis on the importance of praying tahajjud regularly. Unfortunately most of the Muslims only pray tahajjud when we are going through trials and tribulations in life as soon as recover from the tests in life we forget about tahajjud and don't take it seriously.

  17. I'm sorry to read all this painful situation that your going through with your husband. I pray to Allah that one day he will be open to you. I hope they find courage to speak up About what's really bothering them.

    If your not happy with your marriage it's better to get divorce.
    The most hated halal by Allah is divorce.
    ابغض الحلا إلى الله الطلاق
    When you take decisions you your trust in Allah.
    Life is short don't waste your time.

    If you need children for example start talking to him with reality whether he like or not.

    Don't torture yourself with this kind of situation if nothing is changing then move on.

    May Allah Make your husband talk to you with his problem.
    Anything is possible perhaps something serious happen to that girl husband at age 15.

    What i don't understand is why his parents didn't tell her the problem when she was getting married with him.
    1.5 years and no sex that's torturing.
    If you need children make wise decision and trust Allah.

    I wish you all best.

  18. I'm sorry to read all this painful situation that your going through with your husband. I pray to Allah that one day he will be open to you. I hope they find courage to speak up About what's really bothering them.

    If your not happy with your marriage it's better to get divorce.
    The most hated halal by Allah is divorce.
    ابغض الحلا إلى الله الطلاق
    When you take decisions put your trust in Allah.
    Life is short don't waste your time.

    If you need children for example start talking to him with reality whether he like or not.

    Don't torture yourself with this kind of situation if nothing is changing then move on.

    May Allah Make your husband talk to you with his problem.
    Anything is possible perhaps something serious happen to that girl husband at age 15.

    What i don't understand is why his parents didn't tell her the problem when she was getting married with him.
    1.5 years and no sex that's torturing.
    If you need children make wise decision and trust Allah.

    I wish you all best.

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