Love, Life and The Spirituality of Eternal Islam.
Is my marriage permissible?
Salam Aleikum,
Firstly I would like to thank the creator of this website as I have found it very interesting to read through. I have a question in regards to Islam and views on others (non Muslims). Please correct me if my interpretation is incorrect as I do not intend to put any claims on Islam that is incorrect, for my intentions are pure (only Allah knows). Here is my story.
I have met someone who is a "non Muslim", he is a beautiful human being and has many traits of which I look for within a "Muslim" man. The reason I put quotations is because I don't believe it is our judgement to place on who is a Muslim and who isn't one. I have lived in many countries and have been exposed to numerous religions and cultures throughout my life and have come to the realization that a Muslim may claim him/herself to be one but does not carry out the "spiritual" value of one. Whereas those who are not Muslims or have not been exposed to it, naturally carry out the teachings of Islam (purity of honesty and integrity to others).
This man I met has the characteristics of what I want in a future husband, however, he is not Muslim. He is spiritual and belives in a "higher power" however is very foreign to the concept of "Islam" except what has been falsely portrayed in the media. Anyway, my parents have refused to even meet him because he is "not a Muslim", however I belive he has the ability, the freedom and most importantly he deserves to know and learn spiritually from Islam. Is it incorrect for me to have this belief that no one is to claim who is a Muslim? By clearly growing up as a Muslim, does that realy make us Muslim.
Because just as those who convert to Islam, I believe us Muslims have to convert to Islam too and not take our upbrining for granted! i-e: taking Islam as a rule book and instead understanding the spirtiuality behind it. I am very hurt at how my family reacted to this and I can see how they may be protecting me, but this seems to be fear of the unknown, rather than giving someone a chance. Is it then wrong for a person to want to learn Islam through the eyes of someone else (first)? Or even be open to it? I am finding it very difficult to understand how marriage nowadays works as there seems to be so many restrictions based on certain things, but our society is evolving so much and Allah is pure and kind and may give people opportunities.
How can we distinguish whether these opportunities are through love or a test? I hope I am making sense and would really appreciate some feedback on this matter as I believe there are hundreds of similar stories out there! May Allah protect us all. We are ALL, whether Muslim or not, looking for the same answer to life: Why are we here? What happens after death? How can I strive for happiness? May Allah help us all inshaAllah.
Please do not take anything I say as an offence of any sort, I would just like some clarity. Thank you.
Regards,
Dr. DSAL
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Assalaamu alikum dear sister,
You seem to be someone with a good heart, may Allah increase that goodness. I think this will address some of your concerns and present an opening to another way at looking at things.
"Why are we here? What happens after death? How can I strive for happiness? May Allah help us all inshaAllah."
Please take some time with the TV off and without being disturbed to look at this lecture on YouTube. If you listen I think you will gain some benefit.
http://youtu.be/UGmmEER0Ips
Salam sister,
You allowed yourself to get into this relationship , you started to have feelings for this man and now you are confused.
I think you need to sit with a very knowledgeable person(from your local mosque for instance) and tell him or her about your questions and your situation and they will definitely give you answers and explain to you why you are not doing the right thing.
I am not judging you but i hope that you come back to your senses.
Marrying a non muslim man is forbidden for a woman hence equal to zina.
Invite him to islam, if he does revert sincerely not for the sole purpose of marrying you then you can go ahead with the marriage.
Please do not make a big mistake.
Also islam shouldn't be judge by the muslims and their sometimes ignorant traditions, but by the message it conveys to all mankind.
I hope i havent been too harsh , i think that you need to strenghten your iman and you will see things from a different perspective
Surah al Baqarah: "...Whoever believeth in Allah and the Last Day and doeth right - surely their reward is with their Lord, and there shall no fear come upon them neither shall they grieve..."
'Whoever Believes AND does Righteousness', simply put:
- 'To Believe in Allah and the Last Day alone,' without doing 'Righteousness' is NOT enough
- And to do 'Righteousness' alone without 'Believing in Allah and the Last Day' is also NOT enough
We need both to be true Muslims.
Ideally, it would be nice for your parents to give this man a chance to invite him to Islam, but not many parents would be open to this. Furthermore, you must understand that you are not permitted to have a relationship with this man whilst inviting him to Islam. The best thing you can do is, tell him you cannot marry him unless he truly becomes Muslim, give him some literature and point him in the direction of some brothers who can inform him about Islam. If he comes back to you as a Muslim, then he is permissible to you for marriage. Until and unless this happens, you cannot marry him and hence you should move back and work on your relationship with your Creator.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Asalaam alaikum,
You may find this reply of mine to be harsh, but I'm cutting right to the point of it. The biggest problem I can see is that you suspend judgment and Islamic practice when you want it to suit yourself and your situation. How so? Read on.
First, your own contradiction in your post:
The reason I put quotations is because I don't believe it is our judgement to place on who is a Muslim and who isn't one.
Then you say,
I....have come to the realization that a Muslim may claim him/herself to be one but does not carry out the "spiritual" value of one. Whereas those who are not Muslims or have not been exposed to it, naturally carry out the teachings of Islam (purity of honesty and integrity to others).
So you are exercising judgement on whom you choose to when you decide that it is necessary. However, the teaching of Islam involves both the spiritual, the practical and the reality of actions. All three must be present to be a practicing Muslim. Islam is a greater religion than just one aspect.
Why do I bring this up? Because you are refusing to exercise that same judgment when someone is clearly not a Muslim, yet has the "characteristics that you seek." How about the fact that the husband you should be seeking is a Muslim and has the piety of a Muslim? How about a person who believe in Allah (swt) and His Final Messenger? Why is it that you chose to overlook that fact when pursuing this man?
Yet, you draw reasons and excuses for him where before with the "other Muslims" you choose to not give them any leeway. What is the difference, then? Your relationship and affection towards this man.
So you wish to create your own template as to what Islam is supposed to be and how it is lived. Let's cut to the chase and get rid of the semantics for a moment. This isn't about a greater cause you're fighting for or a great da'wah experiment, either. Even if it was, the method is circumspect, at best. Instead, you wish for your parents to concede to a haram relationship by inviting him into their lives via their own daughter in the hope that this man becomes Muslim because you already want a relationship with him or may have a relationship with him despite the tenets of Islam which say that you cannot have this with a non-Muslim. Your parents don't want to be a party to opening the door of sin or partaking in it, and yet you think that is unfair? They are exercising better judgement, quite frankly.
You're already emotionally involved and all I can see is a person trying to excuse her attitude and actions by playing with the intention. The fact is that Allah (swt) does not need you to guide this man and you already know this. The best you can do, if you really want to test your own intention to Allah (swt) is introduce this man to other Muslim men who can guide him and teach him about Islam. Any personal relationship you are having with him will need to stop regardless of what happens though until he becomes Muslim. Stop trying to test the waters in the meantime.
How do I surmise that you are having a relationship with him of some degree? It's how you describe him.
I have met someone who is a "non Muslim", he is a beautiful human being and has many traits of which I look for within a "Muslim" man.
No woman openly thinks of a man this way unless she is already developing an emotional and affectionate attachment to him and is using her judgement to gauge his ability to bring marriage to her. You knew exactly what you were feeling and have yet to pull back from this situation. In fact, you are confused as to why your parents don't share your viewpoint, but it's because they aren't emotionally attached to him. This is what I suspect about your attempt to involve your parents: getting them emotionally attached to him. This won't work.
You say that this man is a good person and has the traits that you look for, so I take it to mean that he is intelligent. You believe that he deserves to learn about Islam and I agree, but it's not through you. This is not your place and developing a relationship with him to facilitate it is forbidden.
You ask,
Is it incorrect for me to have this belief that no one is to claim who is a Muslim?
When a person claims that they are not a Muslim, then yes, we can claim that that very person is not a Muslim, in turn. They are giving testimony that they do not follow Islam, do not believe in Allah (swt) or Prophet Muhammad (saw). Why would this be harsh? It's not. Again, you're playing semantics. And look at how you are doing it: by accepting that a person can be a Muslim with out acknowledging its' very tenets. The problem here is that you are letting your emotions rule over the evident.
The you say,
I am finding it very difficult to understand how marriage nowadays works as there seems to be so many restrictions based on certain things, but our society is evolving so much and Allah is pure and kind and may give people opportunities.
This is going to be brutal but, when did revelation come down to you in which Allah (swt) said that Muslim women may have questionable and borderline and/or haram relationships with men in order to propagate Islam and get married? The reason why you don't understand is because your situation is out of the bounds of Islam and you're trying to skirt the issue. So what opportunities are you really talking about? Let's be serious and once again admit, that your emotions have clouded your practical and religious judgment.
This question is your scapegoat.
How can we distinguish whether these opportunities are through love or a test?
Seriously, stop it already. Your Islamic judgement is based on Qur'an and following the Sunnah. If it violates those things then you are experiencing a test. If it encompasses those things and the proper avenues of Islamic avenues are taken then nikkah will occur and love may be fostered in a future marriage. Due to the fact that is must be said, you don't have the latter and only the former scenario.
Yes, my reply is harsh, but you need to wake up to the fact that you are trying to suspend the rules of Islam due to your emotional involvement with this man. Choose which is more important to you: a man or Allah (swt).
Assalamoalaikum,
Professor X has always a very impressive way to convince the reader. His statements directly penetrate into the heart. It could be more effective and motivating if a bit soft tone is used. But I know that sometimes we get so emotional and the topic is so sensitive that softness is not possible. Anyway, will appreciate if you try. Indeed, Allah must be preferred to everyone and everything because company of anyone will be for a limited period of a very short time, say about 50-100 years but we entirely depend on Allah forever, in this short life and in our infinite life after death. Is it wise to spoil unending life for the sake of a few moments of happiness??
Walaikum salaam Mohammad Iqbal,
Yes, you bring up a valid point. Perhaps a softer tone is necessary, but one thing that truly strikes at me is that this sister is intelligent and says that she judges people on their actions and sincerity of faith as to being a Muslim. Yet, when it comes to understanding the emphasis of who she can marry and how to conduct her pursuit of marriage, then it becomes confusing to her to meet Islamic standards. It's setting one standard for everyone else while setting a low one for herself. I find this to be completely contrary to justice of the soul to such the extent that I was giving the "tough love" treatment in my post. You are right though, a softer tone would reach across better.
Yet, I would like to examine one statement and the implications of it, for purposes of clarification.
I am finding it very difficult to understand how marriage nowadays works as there seems to be so many restrictions based on certain things, but our society is evolving so much and Allah is pure and kind and may give people opportunities.
In the first part, we witness the aforementioned refusal to understand the protocols of behavior and proposals. Yet, she knows enough to want to involve her parents. This reality does not coincide at all with what she is saying.
The second part is what really stands out. She is essentially saying that society has changed so much, that Allah (swt) should understand if we bend and break His tenets and laws. That He would give us special permission and opportunities to leave the Qur'an behind while we follow our whims. The implication is that she is saying that Allah (swt) could not foresee this issue in our modern life or His revelation is insufficient for her life. Astagfirullah.
Whether it was at the time of revelation or a billion years from now, the revelation and Sunnah is the final say for all time. This is the importance of understanding Prophet Muhammad's (saw) mission and his life. To imply that the revelation is not sufficient for these times is to say that the Final Messenger was not such a person. Astagfirullah.
However, I do grant that this is not so much her intention as it is her struggle with coming to terms with the fact that she pursued an emotional attachment to a man that she should not have. Her emotions have clouded her mind to such an extent, she cannot see how far she has tread down the wrong path. As evidence of this, it's what she leave out in her post that is the most telling: that she will not carry on with him or marry him unless he converts to Islam.
Having read the implications in this post, it's evident to see why Allah (swt) warns us of what one step in the wrong direction can lead towards. Insha'allah, this sister will see this reality before it's too late.