Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Marriage in trouble due to health issue

Salam,upset muslim woman, distressed sister

I am an Indian Muslim girl, married 4 months ago, and suffering from vaginismus. I consulted a doctor 1 month ago, but my husband is not very educated to understand medical issues. He is however a practicing muslim.

Due to non-consummation of our marriage, there are lot of issues that occured between us... arguments, misunderstandings, etc. Two months after marriage,  I decided to visit the doctor who confirmed I have vaginismus. I took my husband along for couples counselling and he was informed on the issue and treatment method. We then started practicing with the techniques recommended.

With little progress, I missed a few days of practice due to immense discomfort, but was later ready to continue...stepping back sometimes is normal in this method of therapy. But he gave up on me, saying I could not practice regularly. He refused to continue further. To complete the treatment, it takes 1-2 months depending on cooperation of both partners. I want to get cured for him.

I have 2 questions:

1. Islamically, am I sinning considering my above condition?

2. If my husband just wants me to get fine without his support and does not consider my ailment as any disease, then what is the Islamic ruling about him?

I want my query to be answered in the proper light of Islam by one who can understand vaginismus clearly.

Waiting for unbiased answer.

Adviceseeker

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23 Responses »

  1. 1) I don't understand why you'd think having a medical condition is sinful. Of course it's not. You can't help that you have it, and you can't help that your condition so happens to put a bit of a damper on married life. The important thing is to deal with the condition and to do whatever you can to relieve your pain and struggles. What else can you do?

    2) From any perspective you look at it, your husband sounds like an ass. I mean, I understand his frustrations...but even after being informed about vaginismus, he seems to not be very understanding and helpful. That's not really what a good husband should be like.

    I do want to ask, though, have you looked into other ways to take care of your husband's needs? Sex doesn't have to be about a penis entering a vagina - something like toys / props, oral sex, using your hands, feet, etc. could be something your husband would enjoy all while you two take the doctor's recommendations in regards to your vaginismus? I'm sure he'd be less frustrated and impatient, and more cooperative, if his needs were covered in other ways than through vaginal penetration...

    • What kind of language is that ? Cheap and valgur .
      You wrote your husband sounds like an ass .and many more dirty words ..
      Where is that guy Wael who keeps threatening others to block and keeps silent if women is using dirty words in Islamic site .

      • Assalaamualaykum Cool,

        What other dirty words did she use besides "a**?" I didn't see any.

        Nor

      • Cool,
        What are you, 5 years old? Vagina and penis are the correct terms to use for female and male genitalia - I'm not going to use silly baby language in order to suit your immaturity and ignorance. We are hopefully all adults here and don't get offended by something we all have: A vagina or a penis.

        Unbelievable. This is the sort of backwardedness in Islam I'm talking about when I "dare" to even imply that islam can be backwarded; You can't even use proper words to describe genitalia, because ultra conservatives like Cool will behave as if you have filmed a pornographic film in front of them, lol. Because THAT'S cheap and vulgar, not saying normal words.

        • Nothing much can be done if you regularly get used to using above words like ass etc etc . There are people who use abusive words in home as not a big deal as they can defend these words exists in real life ..
          Point was about using some descent language .Its not about conservative stuff but it's about using proper words as many young boys, girls and also visits this site and expect better languages not like "ass" you used above.
          Shouting on others and putting irrelevant comments will not make you look better .

          • Cool,

            I think that what you really meant was that her comment was explicit and graphic for younger audiences, rather than it being "dirty." Perhaps you could suggest an alternative version or way to write the last paragraph?

            And Allah knows best,

            Nor

          • Cool,
            No, the point is that you have no point. There is nothing wrong with the word 'ass'...it's a very common word to describe someone who behaves badly, it's not "abusive" at all, whatare yuo talking about? I'm sorry you have an issue with words and that you have a weird definition of "decency" - but that's your problem, not mine. I will not allow you to impose your personal sensitivities onto me.
            Also, how on Earth can you shout in writing? Stupidest thing I have ever heard.

            Nor,
            My language is not explicit for anyone. As I mentioned, ass is a very common word to use - even in jest with your friends. And vagina and penis are the correct medical terms to use for genitalia -so how is my language explicit, exactly? Cool is just being overly sensitive here for no good reason. And I don't want his / her "alternative versions" of words that are absolutely normal. As mentioned, I'm not going to adopt baby language for him / her.

          • As I said it depends .
            If usage of such words is part of your daily life then it looks cool for you .
            There are people who used words like abusive towards mom sisters and its common for them and they have got used to it ..
            Nothing much can be done as minds are already corrupted to think only about penis , vagina etc etc due to excessive exposure and it looks normal to some people .

          • Cool,

            Why are you comparing technical/medical terms of the human body to abusive language? There is absolutely no connection. The opening question has the word "vaginismus"; should we censor that too?

        • Dear Lindita,

          Unfortunately some Muslims are taught that censoring such words is a part of haya in Islam, and would label people who use them as merely 'indecent'.

          • Lindita
            What you have said is nothing wrong. It’s too explicit for people coming from a culture that don’t talk about sexuality openly. You come from a European country, where sexuality is embraced openly in public (kissing, fondling in the parks, and so on), so it is normal.

        • Cool,
          As I said it depends
          What exactly "depends"? And what exactly is "it" dependent on?

          If usage of such words is part of your daily life then it looks cool for you .
          Do you have reading comprehension problems? I already told you, the words I used are common words you use either with people, your friends or in medical terms. Nobody has talked about being cool, or wanting to be cool, what are you seriously talking about? It's like you make up something new and stupid every time you get debunked, lol.

          There are people who used words like abusive towards mom sisters and its common for them and they have got used to it ..
          How is that REMOTELY the same as calling a vagina a vagina? Terrible and irrelevant example, lol. You clearly have a few screws loose, mate.

          Nothing much can be done as minds are already corrupted to think only about penis , vagina etc etc
          You're so weird...nobody thinks about vaginas and penises, lol. Believe it or not, people have more important things to worry about in their life.

          ...due to excessive exposure and it looks normal to some people .
          What are you (again) talking about? The only vagina I'm exposed to is my own and the only penis I'm exposed to is my husband's. Well, and my twin sons'.

  2. Lindita,

    I said that your comment was "explicit for younger audiences." Most people do not learn about the reproductive parts and organs etc until a certain age when they can understand it and be mature about it. Even people's questions on this site have been edited to remove excessive use of such language. If nothing else, it can embarrass some people, and we want to reach as wide an audience as possible. I don't think there is anything wrong in that.

    Nor

    • Even nudity is normal for some people like beach , beach sex etc etc .
      Probably having intercourse openly infront of others too might look normal to some people because anyway intercourse is real and does exists in the world so whoever is doing behind the closed doors might appear as backward to some people .

    • Nor,
      I said that your comment was "explicit for younger audiences."
      I disagree. As I already mentioned, I used the correct terms for genitalia...I don't think you're ever too young to know the proper names for ANYTHING. Why can younger audiences know the correct names for, say, the heart or the lungs...but it's a big no-no to teach them, or to use, the correct names for other body parts organs? Doesn't make sense to me. It's not my fault that some people seem to have negative connotations to vaginas and penises...

      Most people do not learn about the reproductive parts and organs etc until a certain age when they can understand it and be mature about it.
      That's not true. Where I live, we learn about these things as children.

      Even people's questions on this site have been edited to remove excessive use of such language.
      I wouldn't know about these things, I'm not a moderator :).

      If nothing else, it can embarrass some people
      Why? Because people like Cool tell others that they should be ashamed of things, and even WORDS - and because people like you want to accommodate and be acceptant of shaming. That's your right, but you can't tell or expect of other people to do the same. I don't like shaming anything, especially words...so I'm not going to stop using words to cater to people that think it's a good idea to deem normal things shameful.

      and we want to reach as wide an audience as possible. I don't think there is anything wrong in that.
      I do think there's something wrong with that. Because if you try to please everyone, it's always going to be on the most conservative people's terms. Because they are the ones that get offended by every little thing. And you wouldn't want to do that right? That means - in order to please the conservatives - the rest of us have to use words like pee-pee and hoo-hah instead of penis and vagina. Now, THAT's shameful: An adult man or woman using words like pee-pee.

      • Lindita,

        You say:

        It's not my fault that some people seem to have negative connotations to vaginas and penises

        I didn't say it was your fault, but it is a reality with some people whether you like it or not.

        That's not true. Where I live, we learn about these things as children.

        I never said you don't learn it as children. I learned it as a child myself. However, if you had asked me in the first grade about it, I would have had no clue. Not everyone lives where you live, and where you live is no better than where anyone else lives.

        I wouldn't know about these things, I'm not a moderator 🙂

        Not sure what the smiley face after "moderator" is all about or what you are trying to hint at. Not sure why you can't be as explicit about that as you are in every other comment you make.

        "and because people like you want to accommodate and be acceptant of shaming."


        You don't know the first thing about me, so you stop trying to shame me. It's not "cool" to be rude to people, even if you take pride in it.. According to the prophet (pbuh), "No one with even a "mustard seed's" of pride will enter heaven." If you grew up in a "blunt" European culture, that doesn't make you any better than anyone who didn't...you owe it only to Allah...it was Allah's decree for you just as where I live and my susbsequent habits are Allah's decree for me.

        By the way, your comment that women are competitive by nature is an insult to women who are not...because there ARE women who are not. There's no need to be competitive when you know that what's yours will be yours regardless of what anyone says or does.

        Nor

        • Nor,
          I didn't say it was your fault, but it is a reality with some people whether you like it or not.
          Why mention it if there's no point to your statement? You mentioned it, because you wanted me to understand that people are sensitive. I already know that. I'm just saying, I don't cater to people's sensitivities. Especially if they are ridiculous and stupid.

          I never said you don't learn it as children.
          You said MOST people don't learn as children. So I corrected you and said that's not true. Nothing more or less. If you had some said "some" people, I wouldn't even had commented on that bit of your post.

          I learned it as a child myself. However, if you had asked me in the first grade about it, I would have had no clue.
          What's the point of mentioning this? 1st graders can't even read properly and are, hopefull, supervised by their parents when they use the internet - they would most likely NOT be found reading this site. So what kind of children do you believe are on this site, don't know about vaginas and penises and take offence to my posts that mention the words vagina and penis?

          Not everyone lives where you live, and where you live is no better than where anyone else lives.
          Again, another unnecessary comment to distract from the actual discussion. I mentioned "where I live" because I recognise, on the internet, we're all from different parts of the world. That's it. Don't make this into a racial or national superiority thing, because it's not.

          Not sure what the smiley face after "moderator" is all about or what you are trying to hint at. Not sure why you can't be as explicit about that as you are in every other comment you make.
          I'm always explicit. I always make smileys in my posts, they are just a way of "expressing" oneself. It's not deeper than that.

          You don't know the first thing about me, so you stop trying to shame me.
          Wow, you're sensitive one, too, aren't you? I have not said one word about YOU as a PERSON or about your LIFE. I have not shamed you in any way, I have SAID (i.e made a COMMENT) that you ACCOMMODATE conservative people and these people's sensitivities, and expect others to do the same by defending their right to get offended by common and normal words. How is that remotely a matter of me talking about YOU as a PERSON? lol. I don't get it.

          It's not "cool" to be rude to people, even if you take pride in it.
          I haven't been rude to you and I don't take pride in being rude to anyone. What are you even talking about? Where have I said anything about you as a person? And where have I been rude to you? You defended overly conservative people and I told you what my opinion about that - you have clearly chosen to take it very personally for some reason. But I have not actually said anything personal to you, so...

          According to the prophet (pbuh), "No one with even a "mustard seed's" of pride will enter heaven."
          lol, I'm not prideful at all. It's sad that we live in a world where a person that has different opinions, confronts people about their's and speaks their mind is considered prideful + gets bombarded with hadiths to "remind" them of how sinful they are being. Now, what you're doing here is to ACTUALLY talk about my character. Something I never did to YOU. Sort your own glasshouse out before you throw stones at anyone else's.

          If you grew up in a "blunt" European culture...
          I did.

          ...that doesn't make you any better than anyone who didn't
          Where in the name of God have I said I'm better than non-Europeans? I have heavily criticised Asian Muslims because they often adopt Hindu practices and traditions, yes. But that doesn't mean I think I'm better than them. I'm just stating a fact: That Asian Muslims practice Hindu traditions. I mean, part of my family are Catholics and Orthodox Christians, I'm sure I'm doing things that aren't Islamic, too. Difference is, my Catholic and Orthodox traditions don't lead me to oppress and abuse other people. My non-Muslim practices don't lead me to force marry my daughters away to men they don't want to be married to, and I don't force my sons' wives to serve as a slave in my house for my own benefit. I also don't look at people in terms of what caste they belong to, and refuse to interact with them or marry them just because they are "beneath" me, castewise. But yeah, me criticising someone doesn't mean I think I'm better than them. If someone comes on this site and wants our feedback, I'll give it to them. And when I see people giving unhelpful advice, or when I see comments that shame people that are in fact victims...I'm sorry, I don't stand for that. I speak up. Online and offline. There's no difference.

          ...you owe it only to Allah...it was Allah's decree for you just as where I live and my susbsequent habits are Allah's decree for me.
          Already established I feel no racial or national superiority.

          By the way, your comment that women are competitive by nature is an insult to women who are not
          I don't care about these people nor how they feel nor how they perceive my observations nor what they do with them.

          ...because there ARE women who are not.
          Sure. What's your point? Some women are fine with polygamy, most women are for sure not. Some women don't compete with other women, most women do. Whether it's with something as small as comparing looks or competing over men's attention...doesn't matter, it's still competition.

          There's no need to be competitive when you know that what's yours will be yours regardless of what anyone says or does.
          It's not about "needing" to compete. It is what it is, and it's human nature to be competitive - it's not something people consciously decide to do.

          You conveniently also skipped the part where you mentioned women shouldn't feel ownership of a man because "nobody belongs to somebody else".When you don't specify any sexes, I assume you're of the opinion that men also don't own women, just like women don't own men...so, on that basis, women should practice polygamy as well, right? And expect their first and second husbands to be best friends, braid each other's hair and go shopping together. Ah, how beautiful it sounds to have a world where monogamy is considered a prison and where everyone can be freed from it.

          • Lindita
            You wrote
            ======================================
            I assume you're of the opinion that men also don't own women, just like women don't own men...so, on that basis, women should practice polygamy as well, right? And expect their first and second husbands to be best friends, braid each other's hair and go shopping together. Ah, how beautiful it sounds to have a world where monogamy is considered a prison and where everyone can be freed from it

            ====================================

            You meant Polyandry ? One woman , multiple men .
            I know many porn movies are putting these thoughts

            You are from which country ? Does Law allows it ?
            Only Nepal near India allows multiple husbands as per my knowledge .
            Islam doesn't allow it .

            Western countries have monogamy concept but indulging in sex outside marriage won't be considered as big issue .

          • Assalaamualaykum Lindita,

            This discussion has gotten somewhat out of hand. You are right. There is nothing inherently "wrong" with saying the words "penis" and "vagina" in this context. It is only when it reads as a pornographic story with images and actions that it becomes inappropriate.

            Cheers,

            Nor
            IslamicAnswers

  3. Dear WarGlaives,

    Unfortunately some Muslims are taught that censoring such words is a part of haya in Islam, and would label people who use them as merely 'indecent'.
    You're right...but I think it's important to speak out against such people, because they are the ones in the wrong, not the people who use normal terms to describe normal things. The worst things we can do as Muslims is to bow down to these beyond conservatives. It's because of people like Cool that young Muslims feel like they can't talk to anyone about normal things they go through...because they know they will be humiliated and labelled as 'indecent'. We don't need that.

    • Lindita ,

      Looks like you have some inferiority complex so you are jumping in air even for small comments .
      I suggest you to go for some counselling .

      • lol, And where did you get your degree in psychology or psychiatric medicine from? Clown College?

        Me commenting on comments that are addressed to me is just...I don't know...normal behaviour? I have a suggestion for you, too: Take your suggestion and eat it :).

        • When so many people on this site keep telling you that your comments can be rude and such. Maybe you ought to think about it instead of being so defensive, like you always have to be right.

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