Islamic marriage advice and family advice

We moved to Pakistan and I became like a prisoner

Jail cells and corridorI married of my own choice, outside of family, with my family's approval. I used to live in the UK and had a well paid job. My husband has been living in the UK for over 7 years. He wished to return back to Pakistan with me following the afternoon of our nikah and stay for some time with his mother and sisters  who hadnt seen him for so many years. I had no passed experience of living here.

We initially agreed upon six months, then to return for us both to work. After six months my husband asked me to stay as I became pregnant. I reluctantly agreed as it was his request and initially I had a good relationship with his mother.

He asked me to started covering my face and wear the hijaab - I agreed to do so. He told me that initially I would not be allowed out of the home as I did not know the streets etc. I was abit taken aback but agreed. It was initially difficult as I had been used to living and working in the UK. He asked me to cut down on contact with my siblings, and mother as they belonged to a different culture now and I would remain confused. I agreed -, even though I was the only daughter.

My husband said he would return return soon. During this time I took over all household duties. I was not used to this at first as I had a professional job prior to marriage but soon became familiar with washing clothes, cooking, cleaning whjich is different here. I would look after his mother and unmarried sister - providing for all their needs. I had to listen to them taunt me initally about not having cooking and sewing skills - although they were aware from the beginning. I used to enjoy massaging my mother in law's feet before bedtime and trying to understand their culture.

During this time one of his married sister's also stayed for over an year as she had problems in the marriage. I encouraged her to return to her studies and leave her toddler daughter with me. She did so and compelted her masters.

I would have telephone contact with my husband. My mother came to visit after the birth of my daughter - my husband was not happy as he woanted me to have no contact with them. He became difficult with me but I did not show anything to my mother.

He returned after about 8 months for about 15 days to see our daughter when she was about 4 months. It was at this time that I saw text messages from some girls on his phone. I was upset about checking the phone in the first instance and regretted it hugely. I asked him and he came up with excuses. I asked to return with him and he did not respond - saying it would take time for my daughter's passport and not this time.

During all this time he had not given me expenditure - I was dependent upon my mother in law for my very very basic needs and had to ask for everything as I still did not have permission to step outside.  I felt ashamed as I had not been used to this in the past but did not say anything.

This time my husband returned after 8 months - we had alot of problems as he would be out of touch alot on the phone, I did not know his address in the UK and it was an upsetting year for me. I asked him on the phone to return but he would become angry telling me its the normal way to live.

This year he stayed for six months as his mother had been diagnosed with cancer. There was a sudden change of behaviour from his sister and mother. They in a way blamed me for the cancer - his family had not approven of the marriage initially and the extended family had pretty much cut all contact. Alot of the times they would come, make harsh remarks about me and leave. His younger sister became rude and aggressive - I kept it from him at first but then decided i should say something. He became defensive and said she is like his daughter. At the same time I became pregnant again - i was very ill in the beginning and unable to pick up the household chores as I had done thus far. He blamed me for not looking after his mother during this time and how his sister had become burdened with housework - I thought it was unfair as I was ill myself but he did not listen. His sister is in her 20s, with no study or work commitments.

His mother was recovering and he was planning on leaving - I was concerned about the trpoubles we had as man and wife and that I was not being treated faily and given my rights as a wife. I asked to return again but he became very aggressive - swearing, shouting, often waking me in the middle of the night to shout, spitting on me and blalming my british culture for such a demand.

He then told me to leave my daughter, stop breast feeding her and to allow her to sleep with his mother and to go back and 'live my life in the UK'. Idid not wish for this - I simply wished to return to live with my husband. He could not live in Pakistan as there were no jobs here. I reminded him of the initial agreement and he would become angry.

Our relationship was becoming very sour. The rows developed daily. I became worried about my own safety, the unborn child and my daughter, I called the High commission for assistance, they told me my daughter's passport may take some time. I decided to tell my family - I had not done so thus far. They were shocked as i always told them things were good.

When things became out of control I had no option but to ask my brother to come. He took an overnight flight and I left the family home with my daughter. He stayed for six days and the problem remained that I could not take my daughter outside of Pakistan without her father's permission. My brother had no choice but to leave me in a shelter home. I stayed for one night and was extremely saddened - I come from a respectful background and was extremely upset my husband had placed me in this situation. It was like living in a jail. Ironically I had done a study on shelter homes in Pakistan and held a conference when i was in the UK.

My husband asked me to return home. I did as the shelter's security was doubtful. He hit me and verbally abused me for almost a week. His family stopped talking to me. I had done so much for them for over two years and this is what I got in return. He asked me to ask for forgiveness from his younger sister and mother - I did from the mother and not the sister as she had been abusive towards me.

He reluctantly signed the passport application for my daughter - he has now left again and im waiting for the application to be processed. I had no option but to stay here. My husband is hardly speaking ,never asks about his child or the pregnancy. My mother in law and sister in law do not speak either. On one  or two occasions I shouted at him out of frustration asking for my rights as a wife, my freedom to at least go to the shop for basic necesseties. I regret doing this now as he now begrudges me; saying I shamed him in front of his mother and sister by doing so.

If I need nappies, milk then I have to leave a note. i still do not have permission to leave the home, even for medical check ups.

It is very hard passing time and a huge test from Allah. I have always prayed five times and continue with tahajjud and tilawat. My husband blames me for shaming him although I was asking for my right to live with him. His family blame me too. I feel let down having done so much - adapating to a new culture and place , looking after and repsecting people I had not even met before.

He has now contacted me telling me to consider a divorce - I never intended for this - I wished to return home, have the baby and then to improve things with him whom Im in a nikah with. He has said I could keep his name if I agree to him marrying again, not interefering with his life and to improve the relaitonship with his mother. I never thought about living alone with two children to bring up.

- nadi

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28 Responses »

  1. i think you should divoce him. you can clearly see he used you as a house maid. he took away your rights so what benefit will you get by stayin? so leave while you can.

    i know its hard raising 2 kids, but if you have a firm belief in Allah surely he will make things easy for you.


  2. Salam dear Sister Nadi,

    I'm speecheless for the first time in my life. Although Islam aks us to be obedient and patient with

    our husband at least 72 times a day, this form of oppression and imprisonment, including verbal

    and physical abuse, is zulm and has absolutely nothing to do with Islam.

    . Let me tell you that I do understand how you must feel at the moment. My first objection: Why did

    you serve his family, my dear sister? Preserving family ties with your own family and in-laws is

    fine and compulsory- serving them and tolerating their insulting remarks- absolutely unislamic!!!

    He has to provide for you and make sure you have an own home in which you may serve them as

    guests-nothing more! A muslim lady is not supposed to be a subservient slave obeying her in-laws!

    In Pakistan and India, the mother in law is treated like a godess in hindu culture, infallible and wise-

    who is she? For Allah's sake, who are they and who is he to give you orders? Don't go out of the

    home, do this, do that.... The niqab is an option the woman chooses- not a means of imprisoning the

    woman. If Allah wanted all of us to wear Niqab, why did the Prophet forbid it during hajj to cover the

    face? My dear Sister, I admire you for your patience. But this is not a trial or a test from Allah- this

    is going to be much worse if you don't get out of that marriage. Normally, I'm against divorce and

    think that all marriages should be saved, but not in this case. This extended family structure has

    often only one purpose: to oppress the female and to make the daughter in-law a slave, whilst

    the husband can even contact non-mahram women( what your husband denied, but is obviously

    guilty of) or have affairs... etc. You have rights and it was a mistake to stay that long, my dear Sister.

    At the beginning, when he told you not to leave the home, to serve his mother and sister, do their

    housework, tolerate insults.... that should have been an alarm signal. Being Muslim and obedient

    basically means not provoking fights or accept that your husband is tired in the evening- not to

    scream at him or flirt with his friends, having a good akhlagh... Not being imprisoned, beaten, offended

    and deprived or your rights, whilst the dear brother engages in contact with non-mahram women and

    Allah knows what else he's guilty of!!!! Leave Pakistan and take your children, return to the UK. You

    mentioned that your mother visited you once, And how is the situation? Did your brother take your first

    child to the UK? Contact your family and end this nightmare. You are an educated woman, masha allah!

    You don't have to stay alone with your children. However hard it may seem, your family will help you

    and you can look for work in England. I'm sure your mother will take care of them. And there are many

    brothers who are divorced as well and have children or brothers who would give their lives for marrying

    a pious woman. Sister, I'm really concerned about your safety. You live in a country in which the law

    doesn't protect women the way it should. I'm afraid that something will happen which is worse.

    I think at the end he suggested to get divorced--that's your rescue. He wants to get married again

    and you should improve your relationship with his mother? Get out of that. that's crazy, unislamic and

    is going to affect your health. You've done your best, you have done much more than Islam expects you

    to do. You have tried to adapt to their culture, they have slapped you into the face by humiliating you.

    You don't need this. you are a Muslim woman and you have deserved a better treatment than a non-

    Muslim woman, not this. Now I'm gonna tell you something that you have to believe: You'll never

    be alone with the children. Allah Taala is with you and he's gonna help you more than anyone. And

    protect your children. You can get married again, to a pious, devout, good-hearted, decent man

    who gives you the love you deserve. And there are plenty of men out there who would love to marry you

    My advice: Never marry a man from a different culture without having ever seen his family, without

    looking at the treatment of women in this culture, without considering possible problems that may occur and

    never follow a man blindly out of love and a form of submission that is completely unislamic. Many women

    did this out of naivety and love. And you are a professional and an independent woman and to be

    frank- I can't understand how you could endure that for so long with your particular background. One

    reason more to say : I don't need this. He wants the divorce? He can have it.... and I'm going to

    build a stable environment for me and my children in the UK. With the help of my family.

    Jazakallah, may Allah give you the strength to put an end to this. In German, we have a saying. An end

    with horror is better than horror without an end.

    Islam the main priority-not culture.

  3. Asalamu aleikum my sister!.

    Jazakallah for telling us your situation. Really it is difficult time passing and exam from Allah.
    The more you face difficulties and try to make sabr the more Allah loves you and guides you to
    Jannah insha Allah. Allah said in the Koran in surah Luqman verses 17..Sahih International
    And remember you Mohammed (Muslimiin) when Lukhman said to His son, O my son, establish prayer, enjoin what is right, forbid what is wrong, and be patient over what befalls you. Indeed, [all] that is of the matters [requiring] determination...

    As advice I would like to say if he your husband suggests you a divorce then accept it as temporary so that you can get to your country, then there you can discuss over the things, if he wants. Try your best sister and ask Allah to help you and guide your husband, because his behavior is not Islamically acceptable.

    Sincerely your brother Abdullah.

  4. as-salamualaikum,
    so sorry for what you have been through, but when i started reading your letter, i already knew there would be another girl/girls involved with him before i got to that part. it is great that your iman is still up, and you are praying. keep it up. i know because this is your test, and i feel like i failed mine, comming out with lower iman and a worse personality. i was a better human and muslim before. so don't lose your beautiful personality or iman. you have is family that actually care about you, and your brother even flew all the way over there for you. use their support and help, and tell them everything. to make a long statement short, my brother didn't come when i pleaded that my mother-in-law is comming for the second time and explained what happened the first time, nor did my family come when the doctors told me that i could die any moment of the illness i had. we live in the same continent. i think another thing is, once you are out of this experience and your life improves, you will have actual first-hand experience on how to help other girls because you mention that you had some interest in shelter homes. nothing that you write in your letter about pakistani husband or in-laws surprises me. you are NOT alone. these paki guys go to nightclubs, flirt around, treat their freinds and brothers wives better than their own wives, and then when the wife even wears a shirt with a " bharra gala" or showing some chest at home then it's bad. when a wife comes in, these guys expect that she is comming to serve him and his mom. you know, "khidmat". there are husbands who live and marry in the west, and then tell their wives that, " i will have you go stay with my mom in pakistan so that you can take care of my mom and do housework. " there is the pain of a husband who will defend his mother, and family when they have wronged you, and this is extremely painful because there are wives who at first try to hide these "bad things" about his family from him. not like the girls raised in pakistan who do the opposite. on top of that, the husband might even say, "o look at my freind's wife, she looks sad, her husbasnd doesn't understand her." and when his wife looks sad, he admonishes her. he might even overly protect his brother's wife from his mother and family, but when it comes to his wife, he says she doesn't understand/like his mom/family. i also know how it is to be humiliated in front of others by your husband when he makes you apologize to someone who wronged you. it hurts. i've even heard of mother in laws saying mean things to the wife, and when the wife responds, the husband admonishes her for talking to his mom like that. was he deaf whenh his mom spoke? if you were living in UK, then you know what guys like him do? once they are married, they don't buy you any furniture or anything, and stop anybody from visiting because they know they don't have stuff. but when mamma or abba back home ask for house, car, or whatever they will send money right away. they even think of a wife who doesn't ask anything as a financial burden on themselves. kids are even a financial burden. hypocricsy is the one word i use to describe paki culture. here in the west, we believe marriage is about love. in pakistan, it is about khidmat, making sons, and physical beauty. and for girls, it's about money. culture clash. your husband has signed your daughter's passport, great. use your family's support to get out of there. i am afraid of one thing. when i visited pakistan, i heard wierd things. people talking about honour killings like it's nothing. with the way your husband is, even after spending some time in UK, i am afraid for you in your in-laws' home. don't you have family there in pakistan? you surely must have. go stay with them while your leaving arrangments are made. don't worry about humiliation. worry about the lives of you and your precious little babies. recite quran everyday and do fatiha and last three surahs on you and your babies everyday. pakistanis even do black majic.

  5. Praise be to Allaah.

    We ask Allaah to help you cope with the calamities that have befallen you, and to grant you the reward of those who are patient, for He is Most Generous, Most Kind.

    The husband should realize that he is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. Allaah has enjoined upon him to treat them in a good and proper manner and to treat his family kindly. Our Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The best of you is the one who is best towards his wife, and I am the best of you towards my wives.” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 3895; Ibn Maajah, 1977; classed as saheeh by Shaykh al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami, 3314). Part of that good and kind treatment means not beating one’s wife in a severe manner and not insukting or cursing her. He should realize that this is a violation of the trust with which Allaah has entrusted him.

    We have heard that many people have a hard time finding a job by which they may earn their livelihood, and that it may take a long time to find a suitable job. We have heard that many of these people oppress their wives and beat them, as if they are the cause of what is happening to them. It is as if they use this situation to justify their abhorrent actions. These men have to fear Allaah and to realize that they are the ones who are most in need of obeying Allaah and keeping away from haraam things; they should not commit sins then justify that for themselves.

    The Muslim has to realize that he is in the world of trials and tests, so he must adorn himself with patience in bearing all the things that happen to him in this life. He should turn to Allaah by praying to Him to relieve him of the disasters that have befallen him, for He is the One Who relieves worry and distress, and Who answers the prayer of the one who has been wronged, may He be glorified and praised. Nothing is hidden from Him and there is nothing that He is unable to do in the heavens or on earth, to Him be praise in the beginning and at the end.

    He is the most generous of those who are generous, and His slave does not seek to draw close to Him but He is even swifter in drawing close to His slave. Al-Bukhaari (6856) and Muslim (4832) narrated in their Saheehs that Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Allaah says: ‘I am as My slave thinks I am. I am with him when he makes mention of Me. If he makes mention of Me to himself, I make mention of him to Myself; and if he makes mention of Me in an assembly, I make mention of him in an assembly better than it. And if he draws near to Me a hand’s span, I draw near to him an arm’s length; and if he draws near to Me an arm’s length, I draw near to him a fathom’s length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed.’”

    In your case, my sister, Allaah is testing you by means of a man whose behaviour and attitude are bad. Based on what has been mentioned in the question, it is permissible for you to ask for a divorce (this is what is called khula’), because living with this man and anyone like him is something that is unbearable. Perhaps Allaah will compensate you with someone better than this man. If you cannot find another husband, then staying without a husband in your parents’ house, where you will be cared for and respected, will be better for you than staying with this man, so long as you do not fear that you will be tempted or will fall into haraam things. You should get a divorce and look for a muslim brother who will be more then happy to take care of your two beautiful kids and you. I dearly hope everything goes well inshallah.

    Allah Knows Best

  6. Dear Nadi,

    Salaams. I found your story very upsetting. I am so sorry for all that you have suffered. I pray that Allah helps you through this extremely difficult experience and that you become strong.

    You have been so obedient and patient to a horrible, heartless and wicked man, who deserves less than nothing. You did an injustice to yourself by implicitly trusting him and his vindictive family.

    Why ever did he marry you to then treat you like this? You say he was already in the UK for 7 years. In his own right or did your marriage secure his permanent stay? He tricks you into going to pakistan, then making you remain there by getting you pregnant, then only returning to impregnate you again in order to prevent your easy return to the UK. Now he asks for a divorce and even says he will get remarried. Anyhow it's too late to ponder over this now.

    You need to get away from this situation altogether. It is hard to bear and you have two children, but he has shown no compassion for his children even. Beating you is bad enough but also whilst you were pregnant!!! All children deserve a father, but they need a loving father who also loves their mother. In this case they are better of without him. You have been taking care of them alone already and with your own family's help you will be fine, Insha'Allah. Return to your family. You need their love, care and support. You can have your freedom back and be able to maintain adequate care for yourself and the children. These awful people have stripped you of your basic human rights. Your in-laws can't even respect you as the mother of their son's/brother's children. They may inflict the same style of abuse on your children or else turn them against you.

    Cowsgomoo is so right when summarising pakistani men. There are the very rare exception that are decent. However the overall majority all have the same warped mentality, the same evil agenda, the same fake charm and pleasantries at the start and the same desire for evil western ways. They do regard friends so highly over wife and children. They have no compassion at all. It will be difficult, but you need to come to terms with the fact that your husband was a calculating fraud and there is no future in this. Leave the matter to Allah, your husband will not be able to escape this in the end. Unless he repents sincerely.

    Also when you return to the UK Insha'Allah, get help in ensuring your children obtain British citizenship.
    Regarding divorce, there is not much to oppose this. In my case, some people advised me to not divorce to prevent my husband bringing another wife from pakistan. Or if he was able to take a wife from the UK, no one would marry him from the UK with nikah only and would also expect to have a UK marriage. However, my husband is a hopeless drug addict who lives in one room and earns minimum wage, so no one would have him anyway. However, I can't put my life on hold like this so a clean break is best.

    I can sense from your post that you long for this to be reconciled. I did this for a long time and as you said, it's hard to pass the time, or think of anything else. However you are only prolonging your misery. The only suggestion would be to pray Istkhara and seek clear guidance from Allah, so that you can be truly sure of divorce. I don't want to give you false hope but I will tell you a story on how sometimes things can completely U-turn. A relative was married to a girl from pakistan- she was within the family. On his return to the UK, he refused to have anything to do with his wife, even with pressure from all family, he didn't care. He would not provide any documents to support his wifes visa application. His father eventually got the guys passport and the wife came to the UK. She remained at his fathers house whilst he lived elsewhere. He would openly go clubbing and most likely commited zina, drugs etc. When he would visit his fathers home he would completely ignore his wife. She went back to pakistan having been in the UK for almost 2 years, after her husband verbally abused her and told her he never wanted her. However only after 3 months, the guy begged for her to come back. She returned, 4 years after they had been married. They had a rocky re-start but now they have a son and are happy with each other. Then again, the husband in this case was born in the UK and thus has a different mentality. Only Allah knows, as some people never change. Thus pray to Allah for guidance, however divorce is seriously an option in yor case.

    I pray that you will overcome this, Insha'Allah. Maintain your salaat and take good care of yourself and your children. Plan and execute your return to the UK and go from there.

    Take care


  7. as-salamualaikum dear sister hopeful,
    yes you are correct when you say that change can happen. but that depends on the husband. the wife is already pious, and the husband when he realizes that he is wrong and changes for the better, the marriage becomes bearable. but this is a long process of change. i know of a case with such a husband who changed because he had freinds that were treating their wives and kids better, and freinds who told him to treat them better, and he learned about the rights/duties actually in islam. not the hadith that paki husbands mis-quote to take the wife's mahr away or to get furniture and things from her, but actual rights of a wife in islam. but this guy had never physically hurt his wife. in the current cae, physical abuse is involved. a lot of this stuff is cultural influence. paki guys quote, "ghar ki murghi daal baraabar". they just don't know any better. i might be wrong. i mean they saw their fathers treating women like this. the whole culture is like this. even women believe in things like if the wife can't have a child, then husband can marry another woman. it's not even a husband wife thing, the whole culture is screwed up. even strangers on the street yell and curse at others because they think they can since they have a higher social status. i've seen wives who verbally abuse their husbands because they think they are beautiful and the husbands don't have a good job. even people on the husband's side allow this, because they think the same. there is always a reason to put the daughters in law down in front of her husband's eyes. the husbands family play a big role in this abuse, they allow it and are part of it because they know divorce is very less likely. see if a wife gets toys for her kids even if her husband can very well afford it, it's a big deal. waste of money. why do the kids need more toys? but when he mother in law or father in law or sister in mlaw ask for a a new house one after the other, o he's being such a good son by folowing their request. i've seen a very beautiful goirl and her mother in law or her sister in law not having enough shame to not put her down in front of guests even. and it's silly things like o her babies are c-section, she can't have real deliveries. or that she's not educated enough, so she deserves this treatment or that their brother should not favor his wife. and if the girl is not very beautiful, then they right away have the excuse that she's not beautiful to put her down. they just have to find something. and ofcourse the husbands many toimes will be on their dear amee's side.

  8. Hi,
    I'm sorry for what you are going through. I think you should leave him because he clearly doesn't want to work out the problems in your relationship. The trouble is that Pakistani men (most of them) are very possessive, uncaring individuals. It's the culture that they are raised in. It not only affects their men; but also their women (as observed in your sister-in-law and mother-in-law's behaviour). I can say this with great certainty that this man will never respect you or give you the happiness that you deserve. You'll be better off without him. When a Pakistani guy (be it your father, husband or brother) wants you to travel to Pakistan and experience the life there, please don't trust him (them). If he's been in UK for 7 years and has a job there and chose to marry there...why does he need to go back to Pakistan? It's very hard to understand South Asian (Pakistani mainly) mentality because they are narcissitic individuals with little respect for other, especially women.

  9. i'm getting a divorce as well. so i know how you feel. im so heartbroken.i mean i don't know what my fault is. you are going through so much. me being pregnant & you raising 2 kids alone. i know its hard but they're your kids. don't worry inshallah he'll regret one day what he had & what he lost. inshallah. i hope allah helps you with your problems. as for divorce you should do it since your clearly not happy. i think he has another women on the side & he just married you for the world sake that "he's married" ... you can get through this. i'm. its hard. i don't know how im making it. but i'm. i hope you do as well.

  10. It's a shame wat this man has put u thru. He calls himself a man and raises his hands on u!! U would b a ideal wife and he treats u like this. Here's a suggestion, since u already have fam in UK how about u ask them or someone else to follow ur husband arnd and see if he has a second life goin on there. I do smell trouble as to he found someone else there. If the results come out to b positive confront him and give him another chance, I he doesn't change then u should leave him. Because u don't deserve this. There is definitely another woman involved.

  11. Allah only asks for hijab, not for the face to be covered, that is only optional. Also, Allah does not ask for a woman to be a prisoner! Don't forget that Khadijah (RAA) was a woman that had her own money and business and she was married to the Prophet (SAAS)! This man that married you does not know what it means to treat a wife, much less a Muslim wife. There should be respect and love, not the degradation of the wife.


    • I was the author of this post - i arrived in the UK with my daughter after gaining her british passport - i ave since had a baby girl who is MashaAllah healthy and well. I have had no contact with my husband - i even tried to contact him when the baby was born but with no response. I am living with my mother and brothers and am much at peace.

      I thank Allah for his help and also for all your responses.

  12. Dear Nadi,

    I am happy that you are finally free. I too married a Pakistani and have lived in Pakistan. I was also a prisoner in our home. Not allowed to meet other people except his relatives. Not allowed to go out of the house without him accompanying me. They made me become a servant to my mother-in-law.

    Thank God that I was able to leave Pakistan while I am pregnant, otherwise, I will have the
    same ordeal as what you went through.

    I did not use my husband's surname for my child, that is not important, bec. he doesnt deserve to be called his dad. He divorced me right after and easily get married.

    My life is back.

    Thank God.

    • As far I know in Islam no matter your surname should be fathers name.

      "Call them by (the names of) their father's, that is more just in the sight of Allah..." (Al-Ahzab 33:5)

  13. Salam Dear sister,
    I really feel for you and I can imagine what you have gone through. But why did you allow them to treat you this way? You should have demanded to leave pakistan since his mother and sister started to make you a slave..
    I too am married to a pakistani man but my husband is not like your husband. He is a wonderful husband and a amazing father of my baby.
    It is part of pakistani culture for a woman to stay at home and serve mother in law, father in law, sister in law, etc.. But this is not part of Islam. Allah commanded us to take care of our husbands, and kids. This is enough.
    I have had my wedding in pakistan. But me and my husband came back immediately after staying there for 3 weeks. 3 Weeks had been enough for me to live there. I am a good Muslimah and respect his parents and I was loving daughter in law. However, I have set some boundaries that they cannot cross. I didn't allow them to use me or treat me badly. My husband was also on my side. Ofcourse, as part of culture, they tried to do the same thing as they did to you like asking me to wear niqab when going out. I simply said I can't and my husband told his mother that she doesn't want to wear, so please stop asking her. And definitely, I couldn't go out alone and even i wanted to get things from the store I had to wait for people to get them for me.. But I hardly complied to it because it is a country I don't know anything about and I don't want to get stared by everyone if I go out alone. And anyways I was wishing my 3 weeks passed by quickly and it did. I told my husband clearly that I can't see myself living there for long term. I can come with him for vacations to see his family. But there is no way, I want to stay there. I am a good Muslimah, I don't do anything bad. But I am independent and responsible women. I work and take care of home, take care of my baby, I go for grocery, and bring my baby to clinic if he is sick, etc. I can't be stuck at home and wait for people to get things done.

    But his family didn't ask me to serve them though. Maybe it's because I was a new bride, they had this culture that a new bride shouldn't do any chores. Maybe when I go and visit them next time, they may ask me to do things. I can help them out to do cooking and cleaning dishes or washing my own,my husband and my baby's clothes. But I can't allow myself to be a slave to the whole household. My parents took care of me very well and educated me and taught me to b a good muslimah and a good human being. But I know where to draw the boundaries.

    Please get divorce from your husband, sister. I fear that he may never change. He is a typical traditional guy.
    Allah is always with you and your two kids.
    May Allah bless you,


  14. Hello selam alekum,
    I am also married to a Pakistani man and find living in Pakistan difficult. I am inependent and find it hard to not be able to go to stores and get what is needed done. This has been very hard although I have set clear boundaries with my husband lıke wanted my own home separate from inlaws. Im glad you safely left your husband as it was very abusive. Hi Sf ı dont know what to do as ı dont lıke feeling helpless here and not being able to shop has been very hard. I came here to be with my husband but am finding it hard even though there are good things here as well.

    • Salam Dear sister Merva,
      Please discuss it with your husband and teach him about the Hadiths. Prophet Muhammad SAW said a husband has the responsibility to provide his wife with a separate accommodation and should not force her to live with his family. Talk nicely and effectively to your husband and make him understand that this culture is against Islamic teachings and as a wife, it is your right to have a separate place of your own.
      Please search in Internet about Islamic rights of a wife from her husband and show to him.

      Note: I know that 90% of the pakistani people have deep-rooted wrong belief about these cultures and think that it is part of them. And they are afraid to let go of their strong cultural practice. But they should know it is against Islam.
      My husband was one of them at the beginning but he started to change slowly after he learned so much about Islam and read the translation of the Qu'ran. He was shocked and he realized that all along his family had been following their ancestors blindly and they are not following proper Islamic teachings. He even tried to educate his family Islamically but they refused to listen to him because of their egos and their hearts are hardened.

      May Allah help you and open your husband's eyes.

  15. Assalam-o-Alykum dear sisters

    Sorry to say but I think it is true that most of make wrong decision about future spouse. He/she should be pious and knowledgeable person. Ironically most of don't know about basic and important rights of wives. She is supposed to serve in-laws and to live with them. It is self made and imposed duties. Man is responsible to provide accommodation including kitchen, wash room and other necessities and his wife should have charge of these facilities.

    So think before making a decision. Judge if future husband knows and is willing to provide all rights given by Islam


  16. Oh dear God!

    I am really sorry to hear about what you are going through!
    Paki culture is really effed up!
    Stay strong!!

  17. As i read your story i felt sad xspecialy for the children. Im also married with a pakistan guy. My marriage is a disaster. He never at home always with his friends. Ive become pregnant he asked me to go for abortion which i said no to. I gave birth to a baby girl he saw after 3days and yet he was not happy. Everyday he says it not his responsibility and my daughter is a problem. One time he wanted to kill me and my daughter. He abuse me emotionally and psychically. I cry everyday. He does not support me at all. His spending all of his time with his friends when i call all of them making fun of me when i ask hime about it he just shouting and hitting me. I also consider divorcing him even though in my culture we dont believe in divorce, but i must think about my daughter. If i had knew pakistani guys are like this i would never get married with one.

  18. Hi.
    Your story has strengthened my will not to go with my pakistani husband to his country.

    We live outside pakistan and laws and rights here for women n child are stronger than in pakistan where "men" basically make rules n laws suited to men.

    The main mistake was for you to trust him and go with him to pakistan.. Nevertheless i do understand how easily we fall for it coz outside pakistan they are very lovable and convincing.

    We do not get to see the real side of them until they in their own country.

    I have daughter too and shes 6 years old... From the time she can talk and walk... Hes been trying to take her to pakistan and say.."darling you dont trust me? I will bring her back dont worry."

    You think i will be fool enough to trust that? The moment he takes her.. He will leave her with his family and theres no way i will be able to go to pakistan. So ive kept my stand... He hates it but here he cant do much... Its not a" men favoring country" like his own.

    Then im pregnant too... With my second child... Still same story as urs... No care.. No concern whether baby is ok or not... Am i eating well or not... More like worried about when the "product" will come out so he can get rid of "producer"

    Please do understand whatever people say about its written here there in islam etc... Or giving big lecture on. Culture etc... Nothing helps.
    These men are brought up that way which even if they go out of country and change themselves or more like pretend to be modern... They cant take that culture out of themselves.

    You say ur husband has been out for 7 years in uk before returning.. My husband has travelled and lived in most modern asian and english countries.. Even studied abroad and now in my country for past 20 years thats how i met him.
    Yet the thinking and attitude towards women are same... Mind you not his own sisters and mother.. Its just their wives they are taught to ride on...

    I suggest you take legal action and try and come back to your own country where rightfully you can claim all your rights and make him pay for his duties as per law..

    • Sister, my advice to you is do not go to Pakistan with this man. I am Pakistani, growing up abroad. My husband is Pakistani grew up there. The one month I spent there as his wife 23 years ago was hell. I was not allowed to go anywhere even though here I had a job, sent to university and gym. There I had to drag the whole damn family along. I could not even be alone with my husband. He worked and I sat alone in my room and if I asked my husband to take me out at eh end of the day, I was considered possesive and American and whilte girl. I had my own money, husband too poor to give me any and still I was criticized for spending it and they tried to make people thiink that my jewellery, from my family was given to me by them and that I was shopping with their money. I hated the whole experince and felt like I was in prison. I have never gone back even though they have gone out of their way to convince people that they treated me like their daughter and spoiled me. They were only nice to me before the wedding. It changed as soon as I came out of my room, the day after the wedding. The older daughter told my husband that I did not like her cooking and he should get food from a restaurant. I had never even once said I did not like her cooking, before or after the wedding. They were all ready to fight with me over anything and nothing. My husband, who always said they were bad to him before the wedding never once took my side. I left after one month and have never gone back. My husband insists I go back for a visit, that his family wants to see me. I told him to get me my own place, on rent, or else I will never go. I learned that there I am uneducated, unable to do anything or go anywhere and it was the worst feeling in the world. I will not do it again and I tell young girls of my experience over and over again. All these people, saying, why did you not come back , why did you put up with it, well because you need someone to take you to get your plane tickets, you need someone to take you to the airport, I do not read urdu or know how to travel there. You are basically an illiterate person who is dependant for everything. Horrible, horrible situation.

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