Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My friend has a sexuality problem and I don’t know how to help her

Two Muslim girls.
Assalamualaikum.I really need some help. My friend is a girl and she likes girl. She told me that she hates herself because of her desire.She asked me last week why she did has those kind of feelings which is against the religion. She said she want a scientific answer because she tired of hearing islamic related answers and reasons. I just said that I dont know why. I just reminded her to remember Allah no matter what kind of problem she's facing. She always feel sad because of her problem of liking people in the same gender. I really want to help her but I do not know how I can do about it. I really need others opinions about this.

May Allah bless us all

Nur

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5 Responses »

  1. Salam alaikum dear sister,

    It is really not up to anyone except Allah swt to change your friend...so really all you can do is remind her not to act on her desires. Thinking is just OK...but acting is haram.

    Since she already knows the Islamic side of the argument, there is not much you can do except support her in staying away from bad actions. For example, try to spend as much time as possible with her so that she won't have time to be alone with girls that she may be sexually attracted to; point out good things about men; and always be there for her to talk to, in case the pressure of staying quiet about her desires is too much. All you can do is support her in the opposite direction, and gently guide her in small ways to keep on the straight path.

    There is a lot of sawab in helping friends stay on the right path. May Allah swt guide us all.

    Salam,
    Shereen

  2. Peace be with you,

    Regarding the current stance of science it seems that hormon levels during the fetal period and early childhood, genetical (inherited) factors but also enviromental factors play a role. See for instance
    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prenatal_hormones_and_sexual_orientation
    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homosexuality#Causes
    Because it seems that many factors play a role and because the phenomenon of homosexuality is very diverse, it was hitherto impossible to clear the exact mechanism behind it, also owing to the fact that because of ethical reasons experiments with humans cannot be conducted - you cannot just inject hormones into a fetus or a baby and see whether it develops homosexual tendencies. I have however, read articles where scientist succeded in making animals homosexual by injecting hormones.
    You may google for further detailed information.
    I would like to emphasize a few points:
    1. Homosexuality is not unnatural, not against nature. It is a phenomenon which has been observed with hundreds of animal species. See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homosexual_behavior_in_animals
    2. Your friend is has done nothing wrong which has caused her to have homosexual leanings, and therefore does not need to blame or hate herself for it.
    3. It cannot be changed int the overwhelming number of cases. Only in very early adolescence it may happen that due to sudden surges in hormone levels one may have only temporary homosexual desires which soon regress. Mostly it is set for a lifetime, or to use an IT-Expression: it is "hard-coded". There are only isolated reports of people undergoing a change in sexual orientation after having suffered a stroke. There are dubious groups offering "therapy" to change sexual orientation, but their methods lack scientific evidence regarding effectivity.
    Because of all of the above your friend has to be accepted as she is. If she feels the need for support she may contact groups like Muslims for progressive values in the US or Imaan in the UK or Salaam Canada.
    Often people assume that entering a marriage will "cure" homosexuality, but it does not work - it just causes great suffering to both spouses.
    Best wishes to you and your friend.

  3. So I really like this man, and he is my cousin. I have my feelings that he might like me back. His actions are showing this. But, the thing is I do not want the relationship to get too far. This is because I don't want to commit zina. I truly do love him, but lately, he's been touching me a little. Not in the private areas, but my head and my face. I have been having fantasies about him too, like sexual ones and even marital ones. I sound psychopathic, but I just have all of these thoughts because of my sexual desires and the loving I have been deprived of. I also feel like these are just my hormones, but I really do like him, and I have for about 2 years now. I feel like I have to ignore him before the relationship gets too far. I just don't know how to ignore him without hurting his feelings. Please help me on what I should do to ignore him without hurting his feelings..

    • Asalaamu Alaikum,

      FlippyTheOrca - Be frank and upfront with him about your feelings but in a respectful honourable manner, tell him you desire marriage and if he's a good man with an ounce of righteousness, he will propose marriage and approach your wali (legal guadians) for your hand in marriage. Also, explain to him in the meantime that you want some space so that you can focus your energy on Allah and His worship.

      Begin praying your prayer (salah / namaz) if you are not already doing so and whenever you get thoughts from your desires, seek refuge in Allah with isti'adha's (dua's seeking refuge in Allah from evil and sin) and focus on Allah.

      A few examples:
      Allahummas-stur awrati wa laa taj’al ash-shaitan lahu naseeba
      (O Allah! Keep my private parts hidden and save them from the interference of shaitan)

      Allah (S.w.T.) has ordered the Prophet (S) & in turn His people:

      وَقُل رَّبِّ أَعُوذُ بِكَ مِنْ هَمَزَاتِ الشَّيَاطِينِ وَأَعُوذُ بِكَ رَبِّ أَن يَحْضُرُونِ

      "And say: O my Lord! I seek refuge in You from the evil suggestions of the Devils/Demons; and I seek refuge in You O my Lord from their presence. (Sura al-Muminun, 23:97-8)

      Allahumma inni audhu bika minal khabeesil khabs ar-rijs al-khabs ash-shaitan-ir rajeem
      (O Allah I seek Your Protection from the accursed Satan and the defiled impurities)

      • Jazakullah khair Concerned Soul. Alhamdudillah I'm a hijabi. Just one question: how do I approach him about marriage? Just asking because I'll get a little nervous...

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