Islamic marriage advice and family advice

No Love, No Sex!!!

wife unhappy husband

I'm just not physically attracted to her. What should I do?

Aslamualaikum All,

I have come to this forum to share my experience and get some advice In Sha Allah. I am a male 31 years of age got married to a Latina revert muslim who is 24 yrs old. We have been married for few years and have a child Alhumdulilah.

From the very beginning there was not enough spark (sexual attraction) between the two of us. My wife is a big lady and is not much bothered about her being overweight. She has been the same way since we got married. I could see problems from the very beginning in our marriage but I decided to get married to my wife. Firstly because I made a commitment to her and did not want to break her heart and secondly she appeared to be a nice, loving and caring person. Before getting married, I did raise some issues with regards to her being overweight. I also shared my concerns with regards to prayers, eating halal etc.

My wife tried to lose her weight but she failed each time. She does not pray and is not improving herself Islamically. I try practice Islam and am very passionate about improving myself. I would say that I have tried to motivate my wife to learn about our deen, to pray with me etc but I guess I am a bad teacher. My wife has a lot of good qualities but for the past 2 years she has become very rude. She does not show love and affection, does not pray, does whatever she wants to do and does not have good terms with my family. I am the only child to my parents and want my parents to live with me so I can look after them. My parents are old and they need someone to look after them. My wife does not want to live with my parents. I understand that my wife has a right to have her own place but financially it’s not possible for me to have support two houses.

We have gone through some really rough times. We have had arguments in the past and we continue to have them on frequent basis. I feel depressed because our love and sex life is a mess. I am a religious person but at the same time highly sexed. There is so much temptation out there and I fear that one day I will fall into a big sin.

Ideally I would like to work on our marriage but every time we try to work on our marriage, our past problems, arguments, issues do not leave us alone. At first, I was emotionally attracted to my wife and not so much physically. Now I am not even emotionally attached. We don’t sleep in the same bed and just to avoid any sin, I do ask her from time to time to have sex but I always get a refusal which is understandable. I do not think there is any attraction between us. She is a good person but I am not sure If I can live a life with someone who is unable to satisfy me emotionally and physically and someone who is not religiously as motivated as myself.

Any advice, tips is highly appreciated.

AA2014


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6 Responses »

  1. I may sound rather stupid.
    But my strong belief is that when Allah choose for you a spouse it's our duty as Muslims to live upto the responsibility He has given us.
    It's not easy.
    Infact my husband cheated on me..lied to me..is not living upto his commitment and I feel empty because of him. To top that he doesn't pray.
    I separated myself from him and for the past month there has been no real effort put on his part foe wanting to reconcile. Although when he fought with his sexual girlfriend..and I mean their relationship is based on sex..he was literally begging her. My inlaws said to me men can be worse and that I should be thankful he's with me at night!..he's physically with me but nothing more than that..we just got married in October.
    I still have contacted him for a reconciliation and he's not even replying. Even his father said that it's best to end the chapter. All I want is registration in state of our nikkah which he isn't willing to do. I'm 31 also..he's 42 previously divorced with 2 children..
    Practicality says end it before it's too late. My conscience says Allah gave me this responsibility and I'm not going to shrug away from it unless he himself lets me go which deep down I think he already has. I don't think he was ever happy with me although it was a love/arranged marriage. I have asked him to speak to me so that we can discuss our issues openly with honesty but no reply. I feel insulted. But my belief keeps me asking Allah to return him to me.
    So the choice is that either you persevere for Allah's sake which defntly isn't easy or you leave and try for a better option.
    Please pray for me also.
    May Allah open our ways and grant us peace..Ameen sum ameen

  2. OP: My wife is a big lady and is not much bothered about her being overweight. She has been the same way since we got married............. I could see problems from the very beginning in our marriage but I decided to get married to my wife. Firstly because I made a commitment to her and did not want to break her heart and secondly she appeared to be a nice, loving and caring person. Before getting married, I did raise some issues with regards to her being overweight. I also shared my concerns with regards to prayers, eating halal et ......At first, I was emotionally attracted to my wife and not so much physically. Now I am not even emotionally attached. We don’t sleep in the same bed and just to avoid any sin, I do ask her from time to time to have sex but I always get a refusal which is understandable.

    It appears to me you have changed. Why did you marry her in the first if you saw problems from the very begining. You even did not find her physically attractive to begin with.

    • As for the reply from SVS, ignore their response. It appears they are related to your wife and bitter or didn't read the whole story.

  3. Hello,

    My husband is a very passionate muslim as yourself. He says divorce her why prolong the suffering? My answer is a little more complex. I believe you will never be happy with her because she isn't willing to compromise or do anything you want. Marriage is a partnership. Unfortunately for your child it will be hard for him/her but do it before he/she remembers. I'm sorry for your unhappiness.

  4. maybe she isn't happy with you for the reasons like arguing , you pressuring her for weight and they are causing her to lose sexual attraction for you. its can be like you are too busy engaging in other activities and showing her less interest thats why she has just lost all sexual interest in you. Treat her well and make her feel special like you did in the begining of your marriage.

    The other reason of losing sexual attraction in husbands is having boring husbands. I think you stop worrying about your satisfaction rather you should start satisfying her.

  5. WS brother

    This is the third time I type this, for some reason is not letting me post it!

    Im a Latino revert married to a Arab Muslim and I like your wife I went though that face (I think most reverts go though) I lost a little interest in learning more about Islam and keeping with my prayers at one point in my marriage.
    Alhamdulilah I've been blessed with a wonderful husband who is very patient and instead of pressuring me to do things, he tried to guide me closer to Islam by reciting the Quran before we go to sleep every night, also while he is at work he will send me texts with links to keep learning, he never pressures me to do anything even before when I didn't wear a hijab instead of pressuring me he would tell me how beautiful I looked.

    Most women gain weight after having a baby and honestly staying up all night kills a lot of energy my husband would tell me come on darling get ready lets go to the gym for an hour or half hour and we both workout together.

    A lot of woman go though depression after having children and this affect their desire to be intimate as well as loosing weight and many other things, have you considered concealing??

    My husband and I knew going into this marriage that we will have issues like any marriages but even more so as we are from different cultures and I'm sure you and her were aware of this as well, many people will tell you divorce her, maby people divorce for any reason but bother I would say don't give up!!! You at one point loved eachother and started a family together, guide your wife back to Islam and Allah will reward you! And think of your child if you stay inshallah he will grow up Islamicly!

    If my husband didn't do anything and gave up as soon as we started having problems we would probably be in your situation but he alhamdulilah prayed and helped me go though my hiccup, we both push eachother when we need it and it has worked for us, also we talk about it all don't give up brother talk to her inshallah you will make your marriage work.

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