My past is affecting my fiancée
Assalam u Alaikum,
I recently fell in love with a good muslim guy and we are ready to get married. He is approx. 7 years younger than me and is having a hard time dealing with my past. I realize now that I divulged too much info, but I always tend to go towards the open and honest side of things. Anyway, I have made some mistakes in my past, with regards to previous relationships (zina etc.), due to a mixture of emotional/self esteem issues and a weak imaan. I won't be getting into details, but essentially my fiancee feels like he is being robbed of the joys/experiences that should come from marriage. Things that he waited for, as a muslim.
I do understand where he is coming from and he says he understands why I did the things I did, but he can't overcome the pain. He does not get angry with me or treat me badly at all, but it does affect him internally. He is happy with the fact that I am finally at a place in my life where I have embraced Islam and practise as I should, and that I seek forgivness from Allah daily. We both know that the past cannot be changed, but is there any advice that could make it easier for my fiancee, or at least to help stop the hurt and pain that he feels?
Jazakallah Khair.
-sid
3 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Dear Sid, As-salamu alaykum,
SubhanAllah, we get so many questions like this. In my opinion it was a mistake to be so revealing about your past. I know others will disagree with me, but that is my opinion based on many hadith by the Prophet sws. What Allah has concealed, we should not reveal. It's best to simply say something like,
"I made mistakes in the past and I was not a good Muslim. I have made tawbah and reformed my life Insha'Allah. That is all I have to say about it. If you can accept this, Alhamdulillah. If not, I understand."
That way you're not lying, but also not revealing your past sins.
In any case, the damage is done.
For me it's not a question of making it easier for your fiancee. There's nothing I can say that will make it easier for him, or change his thinking. It's a psychological barrier that he must overcome on his own, and maybe he will not be able to do so.
It's more a question of what you will do. If your fiancee cannot come to terms with the fact that you made mistakes in the past; if he cannot look at you with respect and acceptance; then I strongly recommend that you do not marry him. Otherwise these issues will affect the quality of your marriage. It's a terrible thing not to have peace and acceptance from your own spouse.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Wa alaikum assalaam,
Sister Sid, as Wael has pointed out, its one of those situations where you cant really do much...as much as you'd want to. The damage is done and I agree with everything Wael said - u cant reverse what you have done with him but bear in mind , for the future, the fact that our sins which have been concealed by Allah swt, shouldn't be revealed. There is wisdom behind it. And one can do that without lying; simply dont give unncessary and information on the what where how why's...
If you truly love him and want to make this work at any cost inshallah...then the only thing that comes to my mind is to be excessively good towards him. I know you haven't done anything whist being with him and that you are probably good to him..but what you have done in your past is nevertheless HURTING him and u have to behave as though you are 'making up' to him...He is mentally hurt over something, which is beyond his control..and ures too now...so if you want a future together and want this not to affect his feelings for you, then best thing is to be extra cautious about how you treat him and show him at any given opportunity how you are a completely changed person now who is only and only for him inshallah.
And of course, just a reminder that you two are not halaal for each other yet so whilst doing what I adviced, keep within the boundaries of Islam and if you both can get past this and he can overcome the psychological battle, then get married asap. 🙂
Was salaamu alaikum
Assalamu alaykum Sister,
You need to feel good about yourself because of your present state of Islam and not feel you are a criminal in your eyes or another's due to your past sins in ignorance or knowledge.
Repentance is like a new birth, you come clean of sins and begin with a new begining. If you repented to Allah feel good about yourself and be confident.
I agree with sister Faith as to your being "excessively good" with him, but I disagree doing so to make him comfortable in dealing with the past. Nope. There is absolutely no need for that.
Be frank, be open, be clear and be confident. Tell that person : This is me. Right now what you see and not the person I was before. If you wish to continue with me, with your "whole heart" and not "half heartedly" and by your choice and happiness, then Insha Allah we begin our life together with a marriage or else you may make your decision clear to me.
You have to be confident about yourself, being a Muslima now. This is a big achievement and important gift Allah gave you, so rejoice in it and do not feel you did anything bad to him.
7 years younger does send me some alarms. Be careful. Falling in love is very easy. But to maintain a married life of responsbilities much harder than those sweet moments and attraction. Check up well his intentions, his Islamic commitment and sincerity towards marriage before taking any step. This is a word of caution from your brother so that later you may not regret taking a step in haste.
Seek Allah's guidance and learn more about the religion of Islam, Insha Allah.
May Allah help you.
Salaam,
Your brother.