Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Muslim lover has left me pregnant, abandoned and alone

Pregnant woman depressed

Last weeks have been the hardest weeks of my life. But let me start at the beginning.

I fell in love with a muslim married man about 8 months ago. I honestly never believed that two people can love each other that much. He showed me feelings that I have never seen or experienced before. Our love was platonic for a month or two but then we decided to sleep together. He was different, he showed me love, he wrote about our love. He was considering divorcing his wife and marrying me. We made plans for our future. I'm not a muslim officially but I was and am thinking about converting for a longer period of time, even before I met him.

Four months ago I found out that I was pregnant and we found out that we will have a son. He was happy about it because he only has daughters now. He even went to Makka for Omrah so that all would be well with our son.

Suddenly everything changed, he stopped writing me, when he wrote his words were mean, cold. Our parents have never been a problem since they approve our love on both sides.

I'm in a very deep pain, I'm alone, expecting a son and I have to work in the Middle East.

I wanted to go to his country and deliver and register the baby there. I know what could happen, but should I care after what he did to me? I did all the DNA tests and I have a proof that the baby belongs to him.

I need your help on telling me what does Quran say about what happened to me, what can I do, should I notify his family, should I register the baby in his country? If I only had a chance to sit down with him, talk and see what happened. How do I approach him, which words to use since I have tried everything but maybe if I would mention or if I would know what Allah says about these things, then maybe it would be easier for me to talk to him.
Please help me.

hellodarling


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34 Responses »

  1. I'm only speculating here but perhaps he abandoned you because he felt shame for cheating on his wife. Maybe this realisation dawned upon him during his umrah?

    But with a child on the way that changes things. He surely is obliged to care for you both now?

    Maybe you should talk to an imam?

    Please consider islam on its own merits..i know you are hurting right now..a lot. but don't let that dissuade you from becoming a muslim one day.

    I'm really sorry this has happened to you.

    He really should do the right thing and marry you. He cannot abandon you like this.

    At the very least he owes you an explanation. You are deserving of that much at least!

    But i think he should really marry you.

    God knows best.

    Sorry to hear of your troubles

    • Shame on him!! My husband cheated on me I was heart broken till this day. If you knew he was married why didn't you walk away before any if this happen honestly people forgive me I'm heart broken me my husband love each other more then anything never thought this would happen!! I just hope there isn't a place in heaven for people who cheat that's what I think sorry do t get me wrong...

      • There is no "love" outside a marriage, Allah swt tells us in the Quran He has put love and compassion between husband and wife!!! Everything else outside a marriage is not love maybe lust! If he truely loved you why would he leave you????
        "He was considering divorcing his wife and marrying me. " why would someone with a common sense want to marry a man like that????i won't ever be able to understand that!! You knew he is already married but you didnt care, so why are you so surprised about what is happening to you now??? Now you want to know what Allah says about this???why?because you know it will benefit you???why didnt you care what Allah says about this before you startet to meet this married man??? Well whatever happened, happened!!! you should repent for your sins and start respecting yourself.

        @isa why should he marry her now just because she is pregnant???who said marriage would be "the right thing" in her situation???and why on everything on earth does he owes her an explanation???like she didnt know he is married and she still didnt have a problem to have sex with him???why is it always the mans fault???seriously people should stop blaming man, it takes two to tango.

        • Wow Muslimgirl,

          You are being really harsh. At the end of the day she is NON muslim. Non muslims do not abide by any laws regarding premarital relationships. So this is ok for them. But they still do have morals not to lie and deceive. Non muslims are still honest with each other.

          This man IS a MUSLIM. He should know better. He knows that premarital relations are haram. He should not have even spoken to her!

          A good muslim men will ran away as fast as he can to a million temptations while a bad muslim man will ran after any he can get hold of.

          So yes the man is at fault because he is muslim and commited a grave sin against Allah, and he cheated his wife and deceived another women.

        • Assalam alaikum sister Muslimgirl,

          Regardless of who is at fault, how do you suggest that the child's rights be upheld?

        • I agree with you muslimgirl

        • It does take two to tango that's right! Hence why he can't just walk away... It's her n HIS responsibility n yes he does owe her an explanation... It's just a human thing to do

      • He doesn't love you, if he cheats. Once is a mistake, twice is a decision. Wake up

  2. Dear Sister,

    It is utterly disgusting what this man did to you. Unfortunately this is very common nowadays. In every country, every religion there are good and bad people.

    There are a lot of bad muslim men who are married or bachelor but use a non muslim women for a bit of fun on the side until they get married or until they get bored and go back to their wife. They find western women easy targets as they allow premarital relationships.

    They know exactly what to say to get the honey. They are born smooth talkers and make themselves irresistible to women with their charming manners and speech. They act the forever truthful and cry and lie about how their wife is treating them badly. They act the victim and want your tender loving care. Once you 've fallen in the trap they use you and then run far away leaving the girl heartbroken!

    Back in his community he is still the golden boy nobody knows what his been up to behind their back. His back to his ever loving and trusting wife. Little does she know what his been up to behind his back. He is definitly having his cake and eating it too!

    But there is one mighty and high being he cannot hide his sins from, Allah. These men do not think about this fact, that Allah is watching their every move. They will be held accountable for their actions, their zina, their deception, their cheating!

    I was unfortunately married to one of these. He even lied to the other women saying that I cheated on him!! They have no shame and don't care who they hurt. They see women as toys to play with and then throw away!

    I think these men should be held accountable for their sins in duniya too. If I were you sister I would hunt him down and go straight to his family and spill the bins! Your child has a right to know his father. He needs to provide for his son. Don't let him get away with ruining your life.

    The more people come forward and expose these filthy men then other men will think twice before taking advantage of women's emotional nature.

    Sister please look into islam independent of this man's actions. He is very far from Islam indeed. Love compassion, morals and good character are at the heart of Islam. This man displays the opposite.

    Good Luck.

    May Allah show you the right way and bring peace into your life.

    • @Sumaira not all western women give men easy taking. There is good and bad everywhere not just western that has premarital relationships it even exists in Pakistan!!

    • What are you talking about, nowhere did she mention his wife treat him badly and even if she did, it still doesnt answer the question why did she have sex with him, when he clearly told her he is married????why are you acting like she is the victim here???the man actually told her he is married but it didnt stop her from having sex with a married man, so what did she except???is she any better than the man???its not like he raped her!!!!she knew he is married, she chose to have sex with him!!!the only "victim" here is his wife who probably doesnt even know about all that.
      “He was considering divorcing his wife and marrying me“ sounds like she didnt have a problem with him breaking his marriage for her??
      "Don't let him get away with ruining your life. " why is he responsible for her life???please stop blaming the guy,  it takes two to tango.
      @hiena "so throw those tears away be strong and go make your life and son's life and kick that asshole who destroyed your life." why did he destroy her life for???i dont think her life is destroyed at all! As i said he didnt rape her!stop blaming the guy! she chose to sleep with him when she knew he is married, she has a free will! And now she is only paying the consequences of her action. But its not to late as she is still alive, she can repent to Allah swt, learn more about islam and inshAllah next time she wont do the same mistake again.

      • There is another victim, and it is the child that is BOTH the offspring of this woman and the man. She may not be the victim, but he is not blameless.

        • True the child is also the victim!!! I dont get why everyone blames the man only!! i never said he is blameless but she is for sur not the victim, they are definetly BOTH to blame!!!

          • Sister,

            I don't think anyone is blaming the man only but you see communicating with the opposite gender is wrong because where matters lead. The man being a Muslim should have known this would happen and he was more than likely looking for a physical relationship (only) whereas it seems this woman was looking for more.

            I don't know if she found out after that he was married--but clearly from what she has written, she wasn't in this relationship for just physical intimacy. I honestly think that A LOT of women don't get it when it comes to men. If they did, they wouldn't even talk to them because post after post, we see women/girls in emotional turmoil because they were lied to/cheated on/given hope for something more.

            I don't think women are innocent, but they need to be educated (badly)--maybe we can advise the sister about the nature of men because clearly she is lost. Thanks for reading what I had to say. I can see you are very emotional about this considering your exclamation marks and it is easy to feel that way reading this post, but we should forbid what is evil and enjoin what it is good and we can do that here and encourage this sister to improve her lifestyle and way of thinking in a gentler fashion.

          • Saba,

            Your comments seem biased to me. You portray women as helpless beings who can't even decide whether it is right or wrong to have a relationship with a married man.

            This man was not sincere with his wife. How can he be sincere with you.....

          • Assalam alaikum Aaa,

            All I am saying is that I wish more women realized that the majority of men who want a relationship outside of marriage are not interested in being their husbands--another reason why such relationships are haram. Besides, I clearly said I don't think women are innocent.

            I think there is good reasoning why a woman has to have a wali in Islam, but a man doesn't. Usually it is women who are left with the possibility of an unwanted pregnancy whereas men can just walk away--post after post here isn't of men stressing over the consequences of their relationships outside of marriage--and is it because they don't have any tangible consequences? I don't know, but there is something to be said about how some women are duped into falling for men who lead them to believe that the relationship is more than just about physical desires. It isn't like these type of men tell the woman, "Listen, I just want to get physical with you and them dump you, are you cool with that?"

    • Sister you are right, they use people, wrong them. So we must be patient and in hereafter there's a day called payday. They will pay for every wrongdoing... This is justiceful of Allah.... Allahü Ekber

    • You are very special person Sumaira. Your words heps me very much.
      My ex boy-friend (lover- married man) that I was 3 years together left me when I was 6 weeks pregnant. He is muslim, I am not. He said that he would marry me if I would do abortion. I have had 10cm big tumor inside the womb and doctors said that is the unique chance to try to have baby. He didnt want to hear this, he only insisting to do abortion offering me money , marriage, good job,.... I was 8 monts in bed without move, in pain,.... but the baby (my beautiful son) is here and now he is one year and half old and I am so happy that God!!! help him to come to this world! His father didnt buy him even one pampers.... I sold a lot of my personal things to give him food, clothes,....everything he need. I sold my watches, neckless, bags, shoes,..... And his father even didnt read my messages.
      This isnt happen because the man is muslim but because the father of my child is coward!!!

      Thank for your comment. It was very important to me to read you 🙂
      Thank you.

      Alexandra

  3. dear sister,
    how can you do like that, a married man who do love outside the marriage are wolf who hunts for fresh meat, honey listen dont worry, dont cry, you already endured enough now listen to me, everything going to be okay, i want to tell you that,
    that guy just used you like anything to satistfy his carnal desires, he just abandon you, i think you should asked for your right go to his country but not alone, some security or police, register the baby there, ask for his right and your right, if he has guts to sleep with you as a a men, so he should accept you and your child, go sister ask for your right and live your life with happines, slap that guy in front of everyone, he have no right to play with you like that. go and teach him a lesson that he remember till his death.

    life is beautiful, you get life only once, and my dad says till you have breath in your body you have chance to do anything and everything, so throw those tears away be strong and go make your life and son's life and kick that asshole who destroyed your life.

    life is precious sister dont let any scar make it ugly, just remove and life is all about creating yourself so create your life in the name of Allah

    remember allah is always with you, you're never alone. believe in him

    • Sumaira !!!! Wallah sister your post help me open my eyes for such a long time I always come to this web sit and you give great advices it has help me a lot sister insallah Allah reward you with anything you wish for insallah!

  4. Assalaamualaikam

    What's done is done, and as Allah willed it to be. What you need to do now is concentrate on your baby and making things right for him. Take care of your own health, ensure you have antenatal care, involve your family for extra support, and don't let yourself become ill with distress over what has happened.

    It's not clear how you ended up in a relationship with a married man, or what the two of you had intended to have happen, but if he had wished to, he could have proposed that the two of you get married Islamically, as in Islam a man can have more than one wife (with certain requirements, eg. equal distribution of support, able to support two households).

    I'm surprised to hear that his family were supportive of him having an extra-marital relationship. If you are still in contact with any of them, it may be worth asking them if he intends to provide for you and your child, so you know where you stand.

    Legally, your rights to child support and having him recognised as the child's father will vary between countries, depending on the civil laws and interpretation of sharia law if this is involved in the national justice system. The other side to this, of course, is that if this man is legally recognised as the child's father, then he also has certain rights of access, etc. - make sure this is something you would be willing to accept.

    Rather than trying to persuade him back and feeling despair over what has happened, concentrate on building a good life for you and your son. Think about where you want to live - for example, do you want to live near family so they can help out? You mention that you have been considering becoming Muslim - why not give this some thought - try not to let one man's actions taint your opinion of Islam. If you wish to raise your child as a Muslim, it will be important to start learning about Islam so that you can do this.

    Allah is Most Forgiving, Most Merciful. May he guide you to Islam and protect your son from harm.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  5. Iraqgirl the women is indeed the one you can blame for too. You just can't blame your husband. It's both fault. Both wronged you and both will suffer. Hope the will posses a face when they will face you and their abnormal action will be played as a movie in front of you all and you get both hassanat and load off your sin.

    Delete if you want

  6. Because all wrongdoings will be shown. And then you can take your good deeds.
    Please don't delete Brown the comment of me to brother Hopeless.

    • You wrote:

      Because all wrongdoings will be shown.

      Provide proof that ALL wrongdoings will be shown because it is reported:

      It was narrated that in the days that Prophet Musa / Moses (pbuh) wandered with Bani Israel (Children of Israel) in the desert, an intense drought befell them. Together, they raised their hands towards the heavens praying for the blessed rain to come. Then, to the astonishment of Prophet Musa / Moses (pbuh) and all those watching, the few scattered clouds that were in the sky vanished, the heat poured down, and the drought intensified.

      It was revealed to Prophet Musa / Moses (pbuh) that there was a sinner amongst the tribe of Bani Israel (Children of Israel) who had disobeyed Allah (SWT) for more than forty years of his life.

      "Let him separate himself from the congregation," Allah (SWT) told Prophet Musa / Moses (pbuh). "Only then shall I shower you all with rain."

      Prophet Musa / Moses (pbuh) then called out to the throngs of humanity, "There is a person amongst us who has disobeyed Allah (SWT) for forty years. Let him separate himself from the congregation and only then shall we be rescued from the drought."

      That man waited, looking left and right, hoping that someone else would step forward, but no one did. Sweat poured forth from his brow and he knew that he was the one. The man knew that if he stayed amongst the congregation all would die of thirst and that if he stepped forward he would be humiliated for all eternity.

      He raised his hands with a sincerity he had never known before, with humility he had never tasted, and as tears poured down on both cheeks he said, "O Allah, have mercy on me! O Allah, hide my sins! O Allah, forgive me!"

      As Prophet Musa / Moses (pbuh) and the people of Bani Israel (Children of Israel) waited for the sinner to step forward, the clouds hugged the sky and the rain poured. Prophet Musa / Moses (pbuh) asked Allah (SWT), "O Allah, you blessed us with rain even though the sinner did not come forward."

      And Allah (SWT) replied, "O Musa, it is for the repentance of that very person that I blessed all of Bani Israel (Children of Israel) with water."

      Prophet Musa / Moses (pbuh), wanting to know who this blessed man was, asked, "Show him to me O Allah!"

      Allah (SWT) replied, "O Musa, I hid his sins for forty years, do you think that after his repentance I shall expose him?"

      Both the sinner and his sins were not revealed.

      • Sister, did this man wrong someone? I can't see. He was just a sinner. It was between him and Allah.

        And where you got this story : It's not reliable without proof. And is there any classification for this story.

        The sins will be shown as a movie, if there has been wronged a soul.

        If you believe, that you can do anything bad about someone and then sincere repent, then there's no hope for you. You need to ask for forgiveness.

        Sister, I got a serious question to you.

        Do you believe in facing other people in hereafter?

        • Assalam alaikum,

          Thank you--I did notice that yesterday after I posted that, but was continuing my search. However, I was not convinced (necessarily) because the comment was made in a thread.

          I would suggest that the Editors could delete it if it is indeed fabricated.

          Regardless of whether it is or isn't authentic doesn't change the fact that Allah SWT is the Supreme Judge who will judge and be fair in ways beyond any human capacity.

  7. Salam,

    I agree the women is to blame for getting involved with a married man. The reason why I blame the man more is that he is Muslim and should know better then to even talk to a another women! On the other hand the women is a NON muslim. She does not follow islam. Non muslims do have premarital relations. There is nothing wrong in this for them. This is common for them.

    For example if a muslim and non muslim went to a restuarant and both ate pork. Who is the sinner according to Islam and the individual? The muslim of course because pork is forbidden for us, whereas the non muslims eat pork, as they are not muslims and do not follow Allahs commandments. So its perfectly normal for them.

    But non muslims still believe in honesty and truthfulness and fullfilling promises. Most non muslims tell the women their intentions before starting the relationship so that the women can decide if she wants it or not.

    The women has been lied to and decieved here and also their is a child involved. The father has abandond this innocent soul before it has even come into this world!.

    • Selam,

      I agree, that she as non-Muslim didn't make a wrong, but some things like dating a married man or woman are totally wrong. This is set to our fitrat.

      Sister, you said one time, you have been cheated on to?

      Why didn't you marry again, because this inşaallah remove your pain and give your strength. You need a person, who hopefully understands your pain and knows exactly how to take it away.

      Yeah, this world is very strange. There are chaste men and women, but they got married with unchaste people.

      But Allah knows best. Allah is my everything. Without my lord, I would have killed myself.

      He heals my heart
      When my depression is smart
      He gives me reasons,
      When there's no risen

      All I need Allah

  8. I'm sorry, but being a non-muslim is not excuse to lay down with a married man!
    Even non- muslims have a some moral values and if they do something unmoral then there is something wrong with them.
    Non-muslim girls don't care if the man is married. They just don't. They want the man and that's all they care about. Even a ring on man's finger wont stop them because they have no moral values. They are wicked and unmoral. It has nothing to do with religion or being a muslim or a non-muslim. Same as a muslim can be wicked and unmoral.

  9. 'Noapologies' seriously needs educating and a reality check! Just saying peeps

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