Problems in the Marital Relationship
Asslam O alikum!
I am a 32Y old man, i got married with my 2nd cousin girl, She is nice with all of her family & mine as well, he cooperated with me in all ups & downs even some time in very hard situation. Every thing is going very fine but i have some serious problem.
Initially during very initial week of our marriage i got some calls from unknown numbers than i got some messages for my wife from that number but i some how managed him by refering some ahadis mubarakah than he stoped messaging.
than in our 5th year my father in law gifted her a mobile phone i was reluctant to allow her but some how i accepted, but after one month i got her with red handed y chatting with guys in a chatroom of some cell company and she was reading a very nasty message. But she got apologizing and son on than gave er another chance & with a promise i return her mobile.
than in our 6th year i caught her again chatting with a girl by asking her to say some boy to contact her some how. i slapped her & was about to finish the relationship by talak but suddenly she apologize for the sake of All Barak O Tallah, i got afraid by the name of mighty & forgave her on a condition for not using any cell & social medial by any mean and warned her if she need mobile in any part of our life than she has to select one me or cell phone.
Now after a small dispute she started to avoid me & was saying she don't want to stay with me any more but as she is pregnant she aid after the birth of our child she will decide about our future relationship. But with a small try of calming her down she demanded her cell & on a little positive gesture she got happy, but the very next day i remind her about the promise e made she started avoiding me.
So brother & sister what is your suggestion how to deal her keeping in mind i have almost three kids with her!
May Allah Bless you with light & Barakat
Regards
Waleed
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Get rid of her Fast!!!
You have absolutely NO RIGHT to slap her ! Slapping another muslim is HARAM in islam. You slapping your wife because of a mere flirting/chatting misunderstaning issue tells me you are of a violent and controlling nature and maybe that's why she behaves the way she does towards you. She seems to be lacking attention from you. I derived that from your statement when you claimed she started this when you 1st got married and you were checking her phone calls, messages and what not, which goes to show that you already didn't trust her then. You even went to the extent of seizing her phone! No wonder she no longer wants to be with you. You need to check yourself bro! Look yourself hard in the mirror and change your attitude and hopefully, maybe she will change. I really think YOU are the problem NOT her ! Smh
In start of our marriage she had no phone she told me that she had an Adair with some guy in his past and she admitted kissing him but i said it was your past I am not interested in even in our culture people kick out such girls. Yes she told me upon asking because I was taunted by some person about her so I asked to know the fact so I can handle the situation.
Further here in our society we do arrange all the lid hood for our family wife has to take care of children and home affair. But she even can't handle the babies she een didnot feed them on time even my kids gi without breakfast even our kitchen is always full with all the stuff we used.
But I never mind it i personally arranged some stuff or their food.
Any how thanks for your comment
Salms. It seems to me that your wife has a lot of free time on her hands because she spends time on her phone on social networking sites. It also appears that she does not respect or value your relationship, if she did, when you first caught her doing this, the should have made the effort to change and eliminated the temptation of social media from her life.
As far as checking her phone is concerned, there is nothing wrong with that. There should be no secrets between a husband and wife and if she is doing nothing wrong, she should not have a problem with. My suggestion is to get her to attend bayyaans and maybe dressmaking classes so she has something else to keep her busy. She can also socialise with other women and in this way fulfil the need to chat to other people.
You, my brother can also try spending more time with her.... speak to her, get to know her likes and dislikes, let her know that she is important to you. This InshaAllah will bring you closer to her and she closer to you. I make dua that Allah bless you with a blissful and honest married life
Assalaamu Alaykum,
This is a very sensitive problem, and there are factors in both you and your wife that are playing into it.
On one hand, I totally agree with you that your wife should not be talking to non mahrem in any capacity or form unless she needs to. For her to be chatting them casually or asking friends to have them contact her, that's strictly wrong. Allah knows her intentions, but her actions are not acceptable. You as a husband have the right to not accept this behavior because it is breaking your trust in her and dishonoring you directly.
On the second hand, you becoming forceful and harsher to ensure your rights are being kept is not going to help the situation. Setting boundaries is one thing, but controlling her every detail of life is another. If you feel that is the only way to get the right outcome, then it would appear that she is not reliable to make the right decision on her own and that's a very serious thing. If you are married to someone that you ultimately feel won't respect and protect your marital bond with her, then that's an issue to seek Allah's guidance on because chances are it's coming from a nature in her that will only change if Allah wills it to, and in shaa Allah He will inspire her to sincerely repent and seek that help from Him.
But if she is capable of doing the right thing as she promised, then you have to give her room to prove it. That means a reasonable degree of freedom coupled with appropriate accountability. For instance, you can give her a cell phone of her own to use, but she must allow you to see it any time and not erase any histories on it. If you ever find any more proof of her being deceptive or engaging in things she shouldn't be, then I think you need to seriously consider if this marriage can endure...or even if you as a husband can continue to endure this.
The other aspect here is that she is making statements that she doesn't want to be with you, and there does seem to be an element of her behavior that would also indicate that. Between that, and the issues you are having a problem with her about, this marriage seems to be on a shaky place of surviving. I think that you both need an immediate intervention, and should seek marital counseling. It doesn't matter if it's with a therapist, imam, or trusted relatives, the issues you've brought shouldn't continue to linger without being addressed.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor