Problems with inlaws
Assalamulaikum to all Muslim Brothers and Sisters,
May this note finds you all in the best of health and Imaan.
I need your advice on an important topic.
I´m married since 2 years and I could not adapt to my inlaws so we recently moved and we now live seperately from them. At inlaws, there were lots of people living together, almost in same house (mother in law, her brothers and their wives and kids, her sisters and her kids, her mother, her uncles etc etc etc...) All these people were living in the same yard but the the houses were linked to each. Worse, the bathrooms and toilets were used by all - common!!! I come from a rich family and have never lived such before. But I loved my husband before wedding and wanted to be with him only. My parents never objected nor worried that they were middle class etc. We are not such and we believed that they were nice people.
Lots of problems of adaptation though i never ever had a face-to-face fight with my mother-in law (MIL) or anyone who live there. But during my stay of about 1.5 yrs with them, i got to know that they indulge black magic, they do lots of weird things, for every little decision they go to a lady who possess a kind of jinn but who actually is not something good. I have seen my MIL one day rolling up her eyes in such a way that only the white part of the eye was visible - there was no pupil nor iris. I was very scared but never ask her anything. My husband told me that she has got a good jinn in her. But I doubt this now.
At start, I believed him but then when I saw the various little incidents, I had doubts if it has something good. for e.g, during namaz time, she and her family (mother, sis, nieces, bro in law....) don´t do namaz but they watch TV serials, only after the serial is over that they will do namaz. In the morning, MIL doesnt wake for fajr namaz but does namaz fajr namaz at whatever time she wakes (she never wakes before 8.30am). for some days i thought she was ill thats y wake late and replace the namaz. I asked her. She said she cant wake up early for namaz. We leave at about 8.45 am to go to work daily and very rarely we meet her in the morning as she is still sleeping!!
Another thing, she swears a lot, even infront her bro-in-law or other males. I felt very embarassing at the start when married. Well, she doesnt always "swears" but the words she uses is very vulgar, indecent and most of the times she talks in such a way that has sexual connotation!! Once we all went to a family and there she told a joke about male sexual parts and that too infront of her bro in law, big nephews and God knows who who else was there!! I was very very very very embarassed at their way of living.
She also laughs so loudly always that people walking on the street can hear her. I thought that a pious lady in Islam should lower both her gaze and her voice, or am I wrong??
Infront of his son, she is soooooooooooo nice, will talk so well, asks about you, prentends she cares but behind her she just ignores you and back bite you!! she is so cunning that I can´t even explain what what she does - only when you go through it that you can feel it!
We used to cook together, after some months of wedding she almost stopped talking to me, only did when necessary and she asked me to cook seperate - I didn´t mind as I did not adapt to her cooking though never told her not to offend her. later on, she told every1 I did not want to cook with her anymore....lie lie lie. (i never go and tell people wat happens in my house, I don´t have such bad manners....but when she told them, the people think I am bad...they dont know the other side of the story...til now I have never said abything. I leave it in the hands of Allah...also, she never ate a single thing of what i cook. despite she did not talk much, I used to share with her and father in law when i used to cook special dishes...but she never ever ate because she has such an ego...she feared I ask her if the food is nice and she would have to say "yes it is". she never gave me any credit...never said something nice about me....too much ego, when she had to ask something, she would not come to me but will ask some1 to ask....too much ego!
Also, she asked my husband to keep a handkerchief in which was written weird stuff, with him always as this will prevent him from anything and this should be a protection agains all. She goes to a lady who spposedly has a jinn in her and that lady apparently solves all her problems. For every little thing they go to that lady. once before we wanted to shift and live seperately and talked to her and my father in law about it and that was about 6 months before we were to shift. my husband's company was offering us a house so we were happy we had a kind of excuse to go away from them and avoid problems.. during this time, she started doing lots of weird stuff, she would burn something (i dont know wat was it) and ask my husband to smell it...she would insist that my husband smells it HARD and STRONGLY so that it gets in him fully. When we return from work in the afternoon, we could smell our room smelling the strong odour of sandals all over my bed and curtains!!When asked, she never ever ever replied! I started having doubt then. At the same time, I lost personal belongings...1 week later, i was so ill, i got a weird kind of bruise-like thing on my leg, two weeks could go to work and went for a small operation. Alhamd it was ok then..by the time we had to shift, my husband disliked his job completely and did not want to shift. I found that extremely strange as he LOVED his job, it was his dream job! so we never shifted at that time! months laters and after lots of duas and namaz, I finally convinced my husband to move separately. this also came because of an incident where the inlaws blamed me, told lots of lies about and even told me that this is not my house! By Allah's grace my husband is very understanding and mature and trusts me so he never believed a word they said about me but he did not argue with them either so as not to create problems. so we shifted 1 week after. He could not tell them anything but he didn´t let me suffer either.
A good, pious women will firstly wear hijab or cover her well. But MIL doesnt cover her head, only drops the horni on her shoulders - if some1 was really pious and has good jinns, she would cover herself, she would not swear, laugh or miss her namaz because of tv serials! anyways....thats her problem...she will need to answer before Allah.
We invited them a couple of times at our new house, they never came. Even during Ramadhaan, i organised an Iftaari just for them, i wanted to make peace and thought Ramadhaan was the best time for us to reconcile...they never turned up!!!
Pious people don´t do such....do they?
And now, my MIL is instigating my hubby against me, I can feel that because whenever hubby returns from there, he fights with me, he has started to keep a dstance from me now...for reasons i dont know. we were vry happy together...but now it's becming hell, worse in all that, my husband doesn´t see anything bad in what they did/do....the inlaws blackmail my husband emotionally, they call him during office hours, and interfere lots in our relation. I have tried to talk to my husband but he cant understand...in some way i can understand him because it´s his mum...but they are bad and I want to protect my relationship with my husband from the ways/influence. My husband just will not understand....:( it's quite normal he wont understand or maybe he doesnt want to accept that they are such. I fear she is doing some evil stuffs again...
When we shifted, we used to go there at inlaws but they just would not talk to me at all and just ignored me!! even when we were invited for dinner, or other occasion, they just ignored me!! when i try talk to my MIL, she makes as if she dint hear, just like that!!in front of the other invitees! how insulting! it went on like that for a couple of weeks until i could not tolerate anymore, I never ever ever argued with them about this or asked any questions. but i dont go there anymore,my husband himself asked not to because he doesn´t like seeing me being insulted.
I omit to say that when i was married, my MIL liked me but when she found that I´m not like them, I don´t participate in backbiting, I don´t talk indecently like them etc....she started finds flaws in me. I have got to know that those who lived there have always got problems with people, they mingle only among themselves as people try to avoid them.
Please help me...advise me.
Many thanks,
Assalam
Naju
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Salaam, I'm going through the same dilemma above, but have returned to my parents home.
My husband is blaming me for everything, but has nothing to say bad about me.
asalamu alaikum,
hey how are you? hope you in best health and imaan. after readin this i can clearly say what your mother in law is doin is REALLY wrong. anyone who is turnin to other sources instead of allah(swt) is commiting shirk. and will be in hell fire.
a devoted muslim/muslimah will cover up properly, will hasten to salaah on time, will never backbite and always turn to allah(swt).
also sis you said your husband carry's a hankerchief with weird writing? i advise you to destroy that hankerchief. also check you house with anythin similar and destroy them too. does your husband pray? if not tell him to fear allah, start practicing islam together start praying together, attend lectures and read islamic books etc inshallah when his mind and hearth is opened he will clearly see what his family/himself been doing is wrong.
ma salama
also it wont happen overnight, so have patience.
As salamu alaykum, Naju,
I agree with Ahmed, what I have to add it is the following:
You sound as a very intelligent, well prepared muslimah, Masha´Allah, I do believe you know for sure the tools to increase your iman and help your husband to increase his, insha´Allah and what I like about you the most is that you have seen "hell"and you mantain yourself stronger than before.
You know the kind of energies you are dealing with but the way you talk I can see your roots are strong, (lots of duas and namaz), you know where your strength lies, Alhamdulillah.
What I can advice you here is from now on, stop talking about your inlaws, anytime your mind thinks about how bad they behave or how bad muslims they are, transmute those kind of thoughts focusing in your Love towards Allah(swt). You can look for a dua, to recite when the thoughts about him come to your mind, for example,
Transliteration
Huwal-'Awwalu wal-'Aakhiru wadh-Dhaahiru wal-Baatinu, wa Huwa bikulli shay'in 'Aleem.
Translation
He is the First and the Last, the Most High and the Most Near. And He is the Knower of all things.
هُوَ الأوَّلُ، وَالآخِـرُ، وَالظّـاهِـرُ، وَالْبـاطِـنُ، وَهُوَ بِكُلِّ شَيءٍ عَلـيمAl-Hadid 57:3, Abu Dawud.
Try to be nice and sweet to your husband and forgive your inlaws, you have the capability to do it, Alhamdulillah.
All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com
Assalamu Aleikum,
ahhhhhhhhhh! It is creepy, but all of the problems described this week remind me of my own life.
First of all, I believe you in terms of black magic. You became ill and they make use of odours and
smells, they even take away personal belongings. I didn't know up to now that people can become ill
and to be frank- it really scares me. What is the difference between Sihr al Maradh and Sihr
al Tafreeq? Does someone from the editors know?
It is reason enough to stay away from them. Many mothers in law are cunning and malicious- and
their sons don't want to see it. It is hopeless. If I raise my kids, I will try to give them the right to
criticize me and not to turn a blind eye on everything. Even if she doesn't use Sihr on him, she is able
to manipulate him and have a bad influence on him. He must love you so much to be able to support
and defend you. That's my opinion. Now that you moved out, you are able to live your life in a free and
independent way. Communication is the key word- it's the solution to all problems in life.
Before I forget it: The editors used a book as a picture called "Toxic in-laws". I think all women should
read it before getting married.
Allah knows best
As salamu alaykum, Jannah,
Thank you for reminding it.
Here is the link of the post where you can get the information about the author and the book you mention.
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/husband-not-standing-up-for-me/
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaam, I got married last year and my in laws have been very difficult to live with.
In December my husband hit me and utter that I become very unwell and massive ulcers appeared in my private area. The hospital checked everything and couldn't diagnose the problem. This issue carried on for three months and the ulcers wouldn't go. So I had to leave the house and the ulcers disappeared.my husband is Peking me to return to the house, but the thought of going back makes me shiver.
My husband doesn't side me or understand how I feel. Pls help...
Razia, please log in and write your question as a separate post. My short answer to you is, do NOT go back to your husband. Your heart is telling you what to do. No one deserves to be beaten and hurt in a relationship. Get a divorce. You are better off without him.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Wael, Seriously ? I, too, feel sorry for the problems being faced by sister Razia but how can you judge her husband with such scant details and advise her to separate ? Also, have you considered even once that ulcers showing up after his curse could be sheer coincidence ?
Sister Razia, first of all, I am sorry to hear your plight. May I ask, what is this insistence of women asking for husbands to take sides ? My wife too constantly accuses me of doing the same, when all I'm trying to do is keep the family together. I expect my wife to obey me; that may not be the case with my family especially parents. Men have to exercise restraint and caution when dealing with parents right ? If they do, why do wives, in most cases, if not all, accuse them of being partial ?
MAPS, because physical violence is a deal-breaker. NO ONE should put up with it. It's completely unacceptable within the context of any relationship. Second, it's pretty clear that the ulcers were a result of the stress of the relationship. A woman trembles in fear at the thought of going back to her husband - the choice seems clear.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
in a relationship which someone is into if the in-laws did not love you or like anything you do just make it kn ow to your self that u cant marry such family..bcos there ias going to b problem b4 or after d marriage....just pray to Allah and everything wound be over and come to pass.
You are right. I would not dispute anything you say.
He has three sisters and all their marriages are in fragile state, because they could not see us happy they destroyed our marriage. My husband is too gullible and does not understand that his sisters and mother have caused a massive drift between us.
He eldest sister has mental strained her husband, his second sisters has affairs and third one has caused major problems with her in laws because she is a jealous individual.
Allah swt does things to help us and make us realise what you had was better. This is my second marriage and it has mentally strained me and they have caused me a lot of grief.
They have no manners and so rude words cannot describe. People in this era have changed but they actually think as if they are living in the dark ages without any knowledge. If you explain to them what our religion says they are not interested, only the parts that will benefit them
I have almost finished Toxic In-laws, and can only highly recommend it. Nobody from us can give the
advice Dr. Susan Forward gives in this highly enlightening book.
assalam everyone,
thanks for your time and efforts to help me out.
BUt since the time i have written the post and now, there has been lots of changes.
in brief, my husband have drifted away from me, it's like he is very indifferent towards me, he just doesnt care and is not bothered. we fight lots for petty things. everytime i tell myself i will submit or try to talk to him to make him understand but he just doesnt.
We do not have kids yet but now im planning to have but husband doesnt want. i fear my MIL has done something nasty. Lots of things hapned but i wnt have time to tell all here. but wat i wana say is that hubby and everyone know how bad then inlaws are with me, yet husband is quiet and just dont do anything.
I have met my inlaws in some family gathering, i tried to talk to my MIL but when i said "salam|" to her, she just turned her face, and ignored me. i was not humiliated infront of everyone.
i swear i have not done/said anything bad to my inlaws, im not that type....i never had a fight with MIL ever! but yet, they treat me same coz of jealousy or coz im not like em. it hurts,...
husband prays, i do as well. but still, things seems to be turning into worse day by day... 🙁
asalamu alaikum,
its possible your mother in law might have done somethin. people do black magic to hurt people, break marriage etc
you want kids but he doesnt? in a way its good you dont have any children cos you dont really wanna raise kids in that enviroment, also you said your husband doesnt care about you, so if you did have kids the situation may still be the same and it will be far worse for you cos you will do all the hard work in raising a child on your own. not to forget your mother in law will be possesvie over the child.
hes probably scared of his mother thats why he doesnt talk.
ma salama
As salamu alaykum, Sister,
Please, don´t be scared, act straight as you do normally, don´t fight under any circumstance, stay quiet, if you feel too hot, go to do wudu, this will cool down the fire and look for refuge in Allah(swt), remember: "A`udhu bi `izzati Allahi wa qudratihi mimma ajidu wa uhadhiru "
(I seek refuge in Allah’s glory and power from the affliction and pain I experience and suffer from).
Let your husband listen to himself when he is fighting, and please try to forgive him, don´t try to talk or make him understand as you said he won´t, at this point he is not listening at all, be nice and kind to him as always you have been.
What I would like you to try it is the following, there is a post where you can find very good comments about sihr and prayers given to get out of this stage, insha´Allah, you may want to add to your prayers some of the duas that they share with us there, insha´Allah.
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/is-my-wife-suffering-from-sihr-black-magic/
Better would be if you have trust on an iman and you can talk to him about your problems, if this is not the case, then at least to recite before going to sleep surat 112, 113, 114, ayat al Kursi and surat Al fatiha, this will make a difference, insha´Allah. There is a dua I trust with all my Heart, everytime I feel danger I recite it and has helped me deeply:
Bismillahi alladhi la yadurru ma`a ismihi shay’un fi al-ardi wa la fi as-sama’i wa huwa as-sami`u al-`alim
(In the name of Allah; with His name, nothing whatsoever on earth or heaven can inflict any harm; He is All-Hearing and All-Knowing).
Sister you are a straight woman of faith, be strong and pray Allah(swt) with strong iman, believing He(swt) listens to us all, Alhamdulillah, thank Him(swt) for this test and ask Him(swt) to help you to learn the lesson you have to learn and to solve this situation to move on, insha´Allah.
I believe in your strength and in your strong Iman, Alhamdulillah. If you need us again, just let us know, insha´Allah.
All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Ahmed, that was a very good point. My hubby wants children, too, and he says why care about the future and
just be happy?? If the mother in law uses things like black magic before the marriage, she is going to mani-
pulate the child or is going to treat it like her own child. It is very difficult. Now if you want to stay in this
relationship, make sure you don't get pregnant.
...
[Editor's note: Please submit your question as a new post for publication rather than as a comment on an existing post. That way it can be published and answered in turn, inshaAllah.]