Please help me im a revert, my husband won’t divorce me and feel so depressed?
Sadness.
Asalam alikum brothers and sisters.
I really need some help and I need peoples' advice.
Im young under 20, I fell pregnant and married the father. I took shahadah only to marry him and not for myself.
I didnt really have any idea how much my life would change. I was interested in islam however I was no where near ready to take shahadah. However I've taken it and my child was born Alhamdilliah.
My husband however, before my child was born we were happy. Never argued or anything, maximum once a month.
It all changed when my child was born.
After he was one month old my husband just became some horrible monster.
Arguing day and night, him saying horrible things to me. Saying I'm going to turn my son into a kafir. Saying my son is dirty because at my mother's there's a dog and he claims that my dogs lick him etc, when he doesn't.
He was so kind to my family before and now he doesnt even bother with them because its not his culture, they're always asking me about him, 'oh how is he' 'why doesnt he come to visit anymore, have I done something wrong?'.
He was saying to me that I'm only allowed to see my mum once a week and he wanted to move out of a town because he doesn't want my son near her. But when my mother buys something for him he's all lovely and acts like he likes them.
He says I only was nice to them because I had to sweeten them up because you were pregnant. In my culture the daughter in law comes to the men's side. I am round his mothers house every day without fail and then I sneak to my mum's house late in the evening.
I havent told my family that I have reverted as I know that theres no way there going to accept it and I am scared of them disowning me.
I've done everything for him: I cover I wear abaya, I wear hijab, I pray 5 times a day alhamdilliah now I do this all for myself, and this hardship with my husband has made me so much closer to Allah.
However my husband he prays 4 times a day, and yes I meant to write 4 not 5. Never gets up for fajr and he even admitted that 'I have no intention to get up for fajr.' He is not on deen at all apart from praying. He doesn't do anything else. He makes his mum cry all the time and speaks bad to his parents. I know he doesnt sound that bad from this but trust me he really is.
He threatens me and says that if I ever left him I'd better watch what he does. Christmas is a very hard time as my family love me to come over there and I know that its haraam so please dont lecture me on this. I checked with my local mufti and he said it's OK if my intentions are clear which they are 100 percent. I only want to go to see my family as my family are not close and this is literally the only day that they get together to meet and have a meal.
No they dont pray and they dont go to church. He's made my mum cry before and treats my family like rubbish. He found it funny that she cried and he went back and told his sisters laughing about it. Alhamdilliah my in laws are AMAZING mashallah and they help me so much and talk to him whenever I need it
My husband says if you stay there more than 2 hours im coming and I will drag my son out of that house.
I dont know what to do I find it hard to sleep, I'm nearly in tears all the time hes pushed me so far away and I want a divorce. He keeps saying 'I don't care how miserable we are, I am not divorcing you' and basically threatening me.
I dont think were good together and I don't want my child to grow up seeing this arguing 24/7
This is causing me to think haram as now i miss my ex boyfriend. I wish I fell pregnant with him and think about him 24/7, even when im in bed with my husband or even during relations as I cannot stand my husband hes pushed me so far away. Please dont judge me In sha Allah Allah forgives me. We hardly ever have any intamacy. He doesnt even touch my hardly.
Someone please help me and give me advice. I feel so alone and so confused. I want a husband on deen, I want someone who will apreciate what ive done and how I'm on deen. I need someone who doesnt bring me from deen like my husband does. I try to make him read Quran and he doesn't. I'm so miserable this isnt what I was promised when we got married.
He's also causing problems between me and my family. Please remember my age with this also. I really need help the only reason I'm staying is because i dont want him to cause harm to my family. I feel like running away the only thing stopping me is my familys safety. Please help me. What are my rights here?
-DeenaRevert
7 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Asa sister and welcome to islam. Let me say this dont let this bloke change your view
Of islam. This is not the character of a good muslim man. He knew
Your family was different amd he accepted that when he married you. He sounds cruel and childish. I was born a muslim and am british of african descent.
My whole family has dogs for protection of our homes as we havent always lived in the best of areas. We washed and kept them separate. Me and my husband have them on our farm here in austtalia as well they just dont come inside. My cats even dont.
I just think sometimes we rush into things and then sometimes the person we married becomes their true self after we have signed the contract. Yoy are young and yoy have yoyr whole life ahead of you. What do you want? Pray about it.. It takes two to make a marriage work. If he isnt on the deen then...
Assalamualaikum..:) sister..
I am too young to comment on marriage..i can only pray that Allah(SWt) give u strength..and paitence... And if this is his test for you..Then may u pass...InshaAllah..I will defnetly include you and your child in my prayers...
And about your child..i wound only say..the most important thing is to raise him with good believes..and raise him in good atmosphere..i know its hard..But noone other then Allah can help...
Maybe you could move out with your family??...is there something that is really bothering him??? I mean your husband?? Apart from your family n stuffs.??
I dont know..but i can only pray..
The only thing i strongly felt i that..your husband was the main reason..was a way Allah bought you to Islam...
I mean MashaAllah..just see..you converted to a muslim only for him..and later you accept it.. And you believe in islam...and u practis it even much better then he does...i mean sister this itself is sumthing good..for you and even for your child..infact InshaAllah..i am sure with your teachings and with Allahs help he will be grownup better...:)
Islam itself is a better teaching...
Why dont you all family members come to an understnding?? I mean a meeting??..atleast for sometime??..till things are better?? Till you are mentally k??
But if your husband is really scaring you..then i guess you haveto take action...
I dont know if i am wrong...but i know at the age of 20 all this is too hard to handle...
May Allah guide you.. Maybe u should do istekhara?? To find the right answer on what you should do??
And think yourself..will u be able to live like this for more time??? And in this condition able to give your child good teachings? And also handle your family prblems??
If not..plz be on the safe side and get someone bigger to help you..even bfr it gets worse.. Cz all this can mentally upset you..and that can affect your kid...
Keep praying..be strong..May Allah bless you..
* Sory for spelling mistakes*
🙂
Why do my posts keep getting deleted?! It's not like I post anything offensive on this site!
It's not so much the content of your comments - which I generally agree with - as your tone. Calling people stupid, idiots, freaks, etc. It's just not an acceptable tone.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamualaikum
Generally in Islam, whenever the marriage starts to fall apart, a respectable party (person) who is impartial should be invited to resolve the differences. Nothing is more pleasing to Shaytan then to disrupt a marriage, and more often it is the case that lack of communication from both sides disrupts marriage.
If you can find someone intelligent and experienced in dealing with Islam and marriage then get him/her involved. You may find a lot of information from this website http://familydawn.com/about-us/. I personally attended one of their marriage workshops and they are both knowledgeable .
One advice that I generally have for sisters in your situation is to ask your husband politely to write a list of complaints that he might have. You can write the list of complaints that you have against him but only give that to him if he asks for it.
Once you have the list then you can discuss which points can be immediately addressed, which are unreasonable expectations, and which points can be addressed over time. Some of the points will be culturally influenced others maybe due to incorrect understanding of Islam from either of the two of you.
Sometimes the inlaws are the problem and that can only be fixed by involving a third party.
It is often the case that husband's behavior toward's wives starts to deteriorate because either they are unable to handle the responsibility or things are not happening the way he envisioned, and they start blaming the wives.
Sister,
With all due respect to you, your husband sounds like a bully in addition to being immature. If anyone made my mother cry, they would have me to answer to...including my husband. You keeping silent as to how your husband treats you and disrespects you only makes matters worse. The more you stay silent, the worse things will become...that I can promise you. Involve your family here, don't continue to live this way.
Salam
Salaams,
I have to admit, I see traits that you described in your husband that fit the profile of abusive men. Add to that the fact you are concerned for your own safety and your family's safety (along with his threats to "watch for what he does" if you try leaving him), and I would conclude that this man is a threat to you. I believe he has the potential to be dangerous, and in these cases not only should you depart from such a person but you should also take out all legal protections to ensure neither you nor anyone in your family is harmed by him.
Make a list of all threats he has made against you or your family. If you have any saved texts or emails or even voicemails which he makes threats in, save those. Turn all your evidence over to the authorities and ask for an order of protection against him. I would suggest you talk to your family about the danger they may be in, since they have been named a target. I also think you need to tell your family what has been going on in the marriage and how you want to leave so they can help you. He is made weaker by the strength of your numbers, much more so than if you tried to keep this "hush hush" and tried to deal with it alone. One person against one is more risky than an entire family against one- namely him.
You don't have to tell your family about your conversion in any of this. As a convert myself, I do understand what a sensitive subject that can be, and there is always time in the future to bring that up when it's better for everyone. Right now safety and peace are the priority, and that's the direction you need to be moving in with your family's help.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor