Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I accept this proposal?


Assalamu Alaikum, this might be a little long because I really want to talk to someone about this and spill many relevant and irrelevant stuff bunched up in my heart. I hope this doesn't bother anyone too much In'sha'Allah.

I am a 21 year old university student, and I recently received a marriage proposal from a family we have known for many years. Their son is my age and we used to play a lot as kids, but frankly, I haven't seen him since we were 7. As a family, his parents are divorced and his mother is well respected, in fact she's a close friend of ours and we love her a lot, but when it comes to him, he's as good as a stranger.

His mother  knocked on our door and made her intentions known to my family... She said that she will be getting married very soon and doesn't want to leave her 21 year old son behind. And as far as he is concerned he doesn't mind anyone as long as she can speak English... does he not care for her deen, manners, family or looks? At this point I felt a little disheartened, maybe he trusts his mothers choice?? We have always known him to be attached to his mom a little, he was also against his mothers marriage and it came across as if he is looking to get married to either spite or replace his mother and anyone would do to achieve that. Alhamdulillah, I feel connected with Allah with a good head on my shoulders, my family brought me up well and incredibly supportive. In terms of my looks, I cannot say anything that wouldn't make me sound obnoxious, but I'd like to think that Alhamdulillah Allah has blessed me with a pleasing balance In'sha'Allah.

My brothers think he is a little too young to understand what it means to start a family but they will nevertheless give him a chance and plan to meet him this week while asking others about him.  He does have a job Alhamdulillah and he has a fairly good reputation over all Masha'Allah. When it comes to deen and character (praying on time, manners, the way he treats his parents, how he spends his free time etc.), according to his mother, he is a star but honestly I'm waiting for my brother to inform me further In'sha'Allah.

Now... I had the urge to see if he was on any social media, not being on any myself, I wasn't sure what to expect but I hoped to get an idea of his interests. I came across some of his liked photos and a bunch were of girls with minimal cover. Ya Allah I'm completely stumped. Is it rare to find someone who lowers his gaze nowadays? His last liked picture of a girl was a few months ago before the proposal... can I expect him to have changed his ways?

I have prayed istikharah and currently waiting to see how events pan out as Allah will guide me through in'sha'Allah. My family think that they are willing to accept if that is what I want but under the condition of  a 2 year period before marriage. With this my family are hoping to establish a few things. If he is willing to wait, then he would seem more serious about marriage and at the same time to get time away from his mom to build some independence in him, get him to man up a little. If anyone would do then I guess he will reject this condition and find another girl as there are many of them just as there are many more men for me to consider as a marriage interest in'sha'Allah. If he does accept however, I am willing to cut the waiting time to a year if he is willing to seriously intend to marry someone who he can trust and depend on in his presence and absence In'sha'Allah.

Now the questions are, shall I give him a chance and say yes on a condition or shall I drop it from now and save him some time and pain to find someone else because of how young he is and his acquaintances on social media? Am I overreacting? I was happy his family proposed but now I'm confused 🙁

I feel like I have taken advantage of using this service because somehow I feel better after  writing all of this down, maybe I don't have a serious problem like others who use this site and some people will be mad at me for being so whiny. Nonetheless Jazaakum'Allah khair those of you who read and answer people genuinely. I'm sorry for this post heh.


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4 Responses »

  1. Salam Sophia,

    I do not think you were being whiney at all. You seem like a very wise young woman mashAllah and I wouldn't usually reply to posts but reading yours for some reason made me feel compelled to offer my opinion, far be it from me however to tell you what is the right or wrong thing to do.

    I think a man of 21 is very young...that is not to say too young for marriage but certainly very young. In my experience from family members men that age are still finding themselves and have interests that involve video games, going out a lot and relying on mum to do everything for them. Now I cannot say that is what all 21 year old men are like because I have no right to say that. I do not know every single 21 year old male in the world. What I think is important to remember is that you are not only looking for a man to marry, to support, love and stand by you through all the trials and tribulations Allah swt puts your way but you are also looking for a man who will be a good father to your children. That bit is important.

    The other bit about the things he has liked...Sophia I recently got married myself to a man whom I lost a lot of respect for soon after the marriage. We are now divorced however soon into the marriage I found he had been messaging other women online who were also scantly dressed asking for certain bits of clothing from them. These messages were never exchanged whilst we were married and i saw that the last message was dated a month before he met me. Nontheseless I don't think I was bothered as much about the fact that he has been talking to random girls than i was about the content of the messages and what kind of man it made him. I know this isnt the same as your situation at all but I guess what im trying to say is that once married these things can affect you as a woman in ways you might not realise...insecurity, confusion and lack of respect for your husband. What I also want to tell you is that I think a period of 1 or 2 years of getting to know him sounds very good. Please dont rush. Additionally if you feel you can't have respect for this man in your heart because of what he has liked then its not worth continuing. Please also know your worth as a young muslim woman who has her head screwed on the right not ever shortchange yourself for fear that somebody better wont come along or for any other reason. Forgive me if I have come across as negative in my comments and my experience should not have bearing on your decison but the pain and anguish of a marriage failing, the feeling that because of you Allah swt's throne shook and the sadness you feel everyday in your heart is just not worth it. All the best sister. May Allah make your path easy inshAllah.

  2. As-salamualaikum sister Sophia,

    I do not think you are whiny but rather wise. As a 21 year old man who is engaged myself, I know firsthand that you need to choose iman and ehsan above anything else in a potential spouse. Prophet Muhammad pbuh said to choose a spouse with deen, then consider their attractiveness, family status, and wealth afterwards; but the foundation of faith has to be there!

    My advice to you is make/consider a list of qualities you want in a spouse (and include things you cannot handle or can tolerate in a marriage with them); and either find out if this man you are considering has these qualities in him. If he lacks in something, sincerely reflect on what repercussions this will bring to you as his future wife and whether you are willing to overlook or help rectify this "flaw". If not, move on and ultimately regardless of this, continue to pray to Allah swt and ask for a spouse that will be the comfort and coolness of your eyes (figuratively and literally).

    As I stated earlier, I am engaged as a 21 year old man because I felt ready to complete my deen, was mentally and physically prepared for a marriage and commitment, as well as knew the qualities i needed in a spouse and reason WHY you should pick them... And Alhamdullilah, SubhanAllah, AllahuAkbar, I believe my fiancé is the one for me. I did do istikhara as well, and my advice on that is to particularly be in dhikr and recite protection duas because shaytan wants to confuse you and keep you from having faith in Allah alone. Once you are certain you can accept the person's basic test (has true faith/you don't mind their looks) and you made tawakul to Allah... If things become easy for you get engaged. And Insha'Allah, after you are generally sure they have those qualities you require in a spouse, get married.

    Although I have been so blessed to find my future spouse, we are being tested right now via fiancé visa issues, and thus have been engaged for nearly 9 months. Alhamdullilah, we both keep our relationship halal and have already accepted each other, but Insha'Allah when Allah sees it fit we can get our nikkah done! I want to remind you sister of 2 things though: do not mistake lust for love, as in do not get married to someone just because you "love them" because true love comes after nikkah. Also, even though you may think you know someone before marriage, you never do until you are married SO for this reason we have to put complete trust in Allah. He knows what we can or can't handle and only He can help us/Guide us.

    Keep your iman strong sis, and pray for our Ummah! Insha'Allah I pray that Allah blesses you and our unwed brothers and sisters with true Muslim companionship. Ameen!

    Oh, and about finding out of his "likes" it was a mercy from Allah, but also a test for you... I know we are each guilty of sin, but I do have to say that generally speaking people's character do not change, esp with weak iman. May Allah guide and strengthen this Ummah against zinnah of all forms: (

  3. You can't expect the guy to change and if you have this many concerns about being with him and things working out I would skip this proposal.

    You're young right now so I would expect more proposals. You shouldn't feel like you're making a wrong decision here and there will be tests to try him out. If you don't think you're going to fulfill your duties as a wife to him or you don't want to raise children with him then drop him now in the proposal stage. Don't wait till the engagement or marriage stage.

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