Islamic marriage advice and family advice

We had a baby too soon, now I can’t love my wife

lonely man, losing her,

I had always wanted to get married, get to know my wife, actually fall in love with her.

She wanted a kid though, and said that in this culture also it would be better to have a kid, I had talked about this in forums also and everywhere it was said that having a baby would only make us grow close.

I was never the sharing type person but I wanted to fall in love with my wife, know how she thinks, and even have a lot of sexual intimacy and closeness. But rather now, I have lost interest.

She became pregnant very soon because she wanted a child, and then we weren't able to have sex for some months, never the way I would have wanted right after marriage. After our child, we weren't able to travel someplace, spend that much time and obviously, her first priority became our child.

I love my child, but not my wife. I want to, but now I just can't.

We never got the sexual intimacy or closeness I wanted. Now it's like living with somebody I don't really know. She said she loves me because of how I take care of her and my family, and she wants me to open up but I can't. I am actually shy of talking to her intimately, just can't.

We make love but it's like nothing new is there and I just now get bored. I am able to be intimate with her, and it's just boring, everything.

She's a good wife, but I wanted to become friends, grow closer, that never happened. Now I don't know how to become intimate her, now it's like having a responsibility of the baby and that being the priority always, can't travel, can't do whatever we want, can't be the way I wanted to be with my wife.

Never understood how arranged marriage works, marry a stranger who becomes your 'life partner', and just let her in and force yourself to love her, even though you don't know her.

First everybody said to never grow close to a stranger woman, and I was always away from any sinful activity at all, never even saw a woman with bad intentions, never touched a woman, and now I can't do that with my wife either, because she might be my wife, but I still feel like I don't know her.


Tagged as: , , , , , , , ,

7 Responses »

  1. Get your or her parents to take care of the child for a bit and go on a honeymoon

  2. Brother,

    Sometimes in life, things don't go the way we would have liked them to. No matter how much we plan or envision how our lives will be, somehow they often turn out the exact opposite.

    It's time to shake things up in your house. Like the other poster stated, if you have family members who can watch your child for a few days or even a single night, go out and enjoy yourself. Make it a date. Can't get away for more than an evening? Go to dinner and a hotel...just the two of you. Make time for yourselves and get to know each other.

    Open up and talk to your wife about how you feel. Don't let her laugh it is a serious matter. Tell her how you want to get to know her. What is her favorite color, cake, sunrise or sunset, rain or get my drift. Sometimes, you just have to take the bull by the horns and make things happen. No matter what you feel at the moment, if you don't take the steps necessary to bring change to your marriage, it will remain as it is. Two people who have a child who are strangers to one another. Good luck to you both!


  3. Brother, sorry to say that but you really sound like a girl, complaining about a partner!! Be a man like a leader of the family and respect your wife because in this todays world you only get a very few women like your wife. So try to work on your marriage and be thankful and grateful that you have got a woman like this in your life. Change yourself and your mentality.

    A married Brother

  4. Salaam Brother,

    Brother please thank Allah that he has given you such a wonderful woman as your wife, ask many of the married men who are struggling in their marriage because their wife doesn't love them or doesn't care about them.

    It's better to spend the life with someone who loves you rather than with someone you love and she doesn't love you at all. Even if you find a woman who says she loves you but after few years she will say that she doesn't love you anymore and life will become miserable.

    I have experienced how life is when you are living with a wife whom you love so dearly and she doesn't even care or acknowledge the love and instead makes the life difficult for both of us.

    Trust me and many other men who have gone through this. It's better to have a wife who loves you and takes care of you rather than having a wife you love but she doesn't love you back and then spend your life with so many worries.

    You have a wonderful family, you have peace and calmness when you come home to your family, you have a wife who loves you and takes care of you. Brother please value what Allah has given you.

    If shaytaan leads your mind astray and if you marry someone else and if she turns out to be worse then you would cry to Allah every day of your life to bring peace back into your home.

    So thank Allah for what he has given you and try to appreciate the good things in life. What you have got is what so many of us are wishing for everyday of our life.

    Also please make dua to Allah to put love in both of your hearts for each other. And make the dua in Surah No. 25 Verse No. 74.

    May Allah put his Rahmah and Barakah in your marriage.

  5. Brother, it sounds like you are newly married and just had a baby.

    My husband and I had a baby after 2 years of marriage, and still we were soo sleep deprived, and tired, and exhausted and just going through a lot of changes in the first few months- ITS NORMAL!!! my husband and I hated each other for months after the baby. BUT inshallah, when the baby got bigger and we got settled into a routine, it gets better.

    Babies are are huge changes in your life, give it some time, your wife is stressed and hormonal and tired and you are probably jealous of the attention the the baby gets- its very very normal.

    What you need to do is give your relationship some time. help your wife at home so she is not so tired and she can relax and be a happy lady, drop baby off to granparents so you have a few baby free moments, and if you say intimacy is boring- then YOU need to spice it up.

    You have to talk about it, and tell her what you like and ask her what she likes- because probably she is is jsut as bored as you. You are in married relationship now, be more adventerous intimatley and change things up. Take charge, learn about her body and tell her what you like so that she can help you find joy in your married life.
    being shy with your wife will get you no where fast.

    lIfe will bring your relationship many many ups and downs. IF not this, then something else, a job lose, poverty, another baby very soon after, illness, etc etc.

    Its your choice, do you just give up or do fight for this woman and your relationship - and find ways to love her, take her out on dates, go for walks with you and the baby, go out to eat with your wife, and just do nice things for her. When you are kind and loving, you will get love back.

    Find the blessings in your life, and find joy and appreciate your wife for all the things she does do.

  6. say ulhumdilAllah you got a good woman. what you going on about is a small issue and you need to open up to your wife shes not just a woman she is your wife and the mother of your child. You sound very ungrateful. THINGS DO NOT go according to plan how we want in life but HOW Allah plans some people never learn to appreciate. What your saying in reality does not exist regardless if married or not. Being loyal sincere, comprise and commitment takes years to build the foundation of marriage. May you open your eyes and realise you will have ups and downs BUT only you can make this work not the shaatian whispers who are corrupting your mind. Also having a child after marriage is a blessing be grateful Allah did give you a child you are the lucky ones. May Allah guide you.

  7. Dear Brother

    Your problem is psychological one and may need some counseling with some expert person.

    Love has two aspects, first (known as duty love) is generated by caring for other persons and the other aspect is sexual(enjoyment with the male partner). Your wife is somehow focused on duty aspect only. It could be due to family training or either due to be trapped in the memory of some old affair.

    You need to guide your wife in balancing her way of loving. She will be too much afraid to express her true reason for not embracing enjoyment love to you because of your anger(As you might divorce her).

    You two must sit with a third person like a psychologist and it is a guarantee that she will open up in front of him and he will also be able to guide you two out of this situation.

Leave a Response