Wife and her family deceived me about her illness
salam brothers and sisters.
I am 32 from Egypt and living in Canada, married for 4 years, and have a one year old baby girl. My marriage was an arranged marriage, and after the wedding by about a year my wife fell down and had an epileptic seizure. I took her to hospital and was told about the epilepsy, and now she is taking pills. She did have a few seizures after the first one; on average about once per week, until we tried a few different medicines and now she is stabilized.
Anyhow, after speaking with her about the matter few times she admitted to having this illness during her teenage years, and that she took medicine at the time and was cured from it. I was very stressed during those days for having been cheated and deceived by her and her family since they didn't tell me about this. I swallowed my pride and carried on in the marriage, but this deception has been playing on my mind all these years and I can't get it out of my head. I simply can't live a life with someone who cheated me this way.
So over to you, brothers and sisters; what would you have done if you were in my situation? And what do you think I should do next? I certainly thought about divorce many times, but because of the baby girl I held back a little. Let me tell you, my life is *crap* nowadays.
-abdulrahman2000
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assalamu alaikum brother,
i think you are abit misinformed about "epilepsy" it is NEVER CURED. first, seizures that are idiopathic(which is seems it what she has meaning there is no known cause like brain tumor) seizures are abnormal brain activity that is increased..this we dont know why happens..and it happens to normal healthy people.
the term "epilepsy" just means that a person has had more that ONE seizure and for unknown cause. meaning if i have a seizure then later another i have epilepsy. i doubt her family was being misleading as epilepsy and/or multiple seizures that are idiopathic are unpredictable. She couldve had one YEARS AGO then and then one year have 2 or 3..or she could have one when she was a child then once she hits childbearing age start to have them esp after bearing a child and suffering preeclampsia or hypertension during a pregnancy .Meaning...alot of women that maybe never had a seizure or maybe had one with a unknown cause get pregnant and then their blood pressure receptors are unable to regulate it and thus they start on a path of getting seizures since pregnancy.
so done think that you were misled, it isnt a PREDICTABLE disease like diabetes. healthy people have epilepsy. The main thing she has to do to reduce her chances of getting them is just to keep her blood pressure under control, avoid triggers as much as possible and just understand that...they can happen for NO APPARENT REASON..whatsoever.she will inshallah live a normal long life just as we all want to but its all by ALLAH SWT will.
and btw, being a nurse i can tell you a majority of people suffer atleast one seizure in their life esp during infancy. and majority of us have minor health issues that cause us no real immediate danger..some just go to doctor's so they know what theirs are...alot dont.
relax..and to divorce for epilepsy i think is a bit irrational but it is your life...you can meet someone a new wife after divorcing her and she obtain a minor or major health problem this is life. you work through it.Just if you see her about to have one, push her on her side removing any tight clothing (like hijab around the neck) and in a few mins she will be out of the seizure.)she will not suffer any long term problems for it.
Assalaamualaikam
Epilepsy is a chronic condition, but Alhamdulillah your wife is now stable with treatment, and you have a baby girl - these are great blessings, and you should thank Allah for these.
From what you've written there's no evidence that your wife or her family actively deceived you - they may well have thought her epilepsy had gone away, and not mentioned it as it didn't seem relevant (would you have disclosed having had a broken leg, or a childhood infection? - it may be that her family considered her epilepsy equivalent to these if she had not been unwell for a long time and they believed her cured).
This may sound harsh, but I think you need to reassess the way you are approaching the situation. Your wife has a chronic medical condition. She needs empathy, respect and support. You say that your life is *crap*. Consider for a moment how it might feel to have your husband considering divorce because a medical condition that you thought had gone away has recurred and caused you to be unwell, and he believes you have cheated him.
At the moment, your pride and feelings of being cheated need to take a back seat, and you need to step up and support your family. Once things are stable, and your wife is feeling better, you could have a talk with her about how you felt, if needed.
To be honest, I really can't see why someone having epilepsy or any other chronic health condition would mean a person would refuse to marry them on that basis - we are all as Allah willed us to be, with our own tests, and ultimately, the only things that truly matter are our faith in Allah and our integrity and character.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
I agree with midnightmoon. Let it go, brother. Epilepsy is neither contagious nor fatal, and clearly does not affect your wife's ability to bear children. There's no reason to hold a grudge over this. Perhaps she did not deceive you deliberately - perhaps she thought it was not important - but even if she did, it's time to forgive and move on. Everyone makes mistakes, and torgiveness is a huge part of any successful marriage.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I also agree. Honestly there is no indication that she and her family deceived you. As you mentioned, “…and that she took medicine at the time and was cured from it”, this means they must have thought she was cured.
We are in Dunya Brother, and many strange things are happening, and most of the things are just tests by Allah, so be patient my brother. Sickness (or Epilepsy) is really far from what will make me think of divorcing a wife I love (after all the good things that have happened between us, by the grace and blessings of Allah?!).
There are so many things to worry about in this life before the next. So please brother, be patient and assist your wife through this condition, especially in her medical treatment, and pray to Allah for her good health at the same time, (Allah is capable of curing all types of diseases whenever He wills, regardless of what people think about them).
However in the end, we should be ready to accept the will of Allah, be it good or bad. It may be hard to accept this, but it’s the fact.
Allah The Almighty says in the Holy Quran:
“We will certainly test you with some fear and hunger, and some loss of possessions and lives and crops. But give good news to the steadfast. Those who, when a calamity afflicts them, say, “To God we belong, and to Him we will return.”Upon these are blessings and mercy from their Lord. These are the guided ones.” (Quran 2: 155-157) “…These will have the Ultimate Home. Everlasting Gardens, which they will enter, along with the righteous among their parents, and their spouses, and their descendants. And the angels will enter upon them from every gate (and say to them). “Peace be upon you, because you endured patiently. How excellent is the Final Home!” (Quran 13: 22-24)
May The Almighty Allah cure your wife and continue to bless your marriage, Ameen, Ameen, Ameen!!!
Also, just as brother Wael said above: “Everyone makes mistakes, and forgiveness is a huge part of any successful marriage.”
And Allah (s.w.t) says:
"Those of you who have affluence and means should not refuse to give to the relatives, and the needy, and the emigrants for the sake of God. And let them pardon, and let them overlook. Do you not love for God to pardon you? God is All-Forgiving, Most Merciful." (Quran 24:22)
brothers and sisters; what would you have done if you were in my situation?
brother i would first see how my wife has been over the last four years of the marriage . if she was a loving wife and i loved her too , i will say alhamdullillah my wife is alive and Allah has blessed me a child with her.
i will fully support my wife by saying our relationship is based on love we have for each other, not epilepsy. i will say you are my wife , my responsibility, for better or for worse , in health or in sickness , i will be with you. i will hug her and kiss her and say I LOVE YOU and thank her for making me a father.
And what do you think I should do next?
if you havent done the above yet , this is what you should do next.
now on a medical note- people can have epilepsy as a teenager, they can then have years with no seizure ( i.e no replapse). they are considered cured or seizure free. they are so safe and normal that they are allowed to drive as well.
brother, you have a daughter, God forbidden if she has epilepsy and no seizures for years then she gets married to a guy like you and happened to have seizure and he then starts thinking of divorce...... what would you say about such a guy.
i honestly dont think that your wife or his family meant to deceive anybody. i see patients everyday who had epilepsy in childhood or teenage years , now for years they didnt have a seizure , we consider them as if they dont have epilepsy.
open your eyes brother, be thankful to Allah that you have a family with a loving wife and daughter .
may Allah bring you out of this narrow mindedness, and grant you wisdom.
ASSALAMALAIKUM-
THEIR CHEATING PART WAS WRONG AND IN ONE WAY SHE WAS CURED AND THAT HAPPENED IN THE TEEN AGE TIMES MAY THEY THOUGHT IT IS GONE FOR EVER-
BUT THIS STAND YU ARE TAKING OR WORKING UP YR MIND NOW IS WRONG BECAUSE THIS MINUTE IF ALLAH WILLS CAN GIVE YOU A MAJOR DISEASE LIKE CANCER HEART PROBLEM OR KIDNEY OR BARAIN TUMOR ANYTHING-DONT BE P PROUF THAT ALLAH MAY GET ANGRY WITH YR PRIDE THAT YOU WILL BECOME HER DEPENDEANT FOR TKING CARE -
IT IS BETTER JUST IGNORE THE LIES TAKE OUT FROM YR MIND AND LOOK AT YR DAUGHTER WHO IS SALAM FROM NABISLAHAUAKAHAUWASALAM ANS PROCEED WITH LIFE-
HOPE WE DONT TAKE LIFE FOR GRANTED AND BECOME UN THANKFUL TO ALLAH IN GOING BACK TO OLDEN TIMES LIES THIS AND THAT-
REGARDS
So brother,...if you get sick God forbid from an accident and have to use a wheel chair or you get cancer....would that feel good if your wife left you?
Trust me brother, your healthy now. But don't take that for advantage, because you will be sick and get old in the future. And it won't be nice if your spouse just leaves because you are too sick.
If she is a loving Woman and there is an ounce of goodness in her, you focus on that.
If you never loved her from the beginning and you never formed a bond, and are unhappy....then say so..that is a totally different issue. But don't blame it on her illness fir your unhappiness.
Dear Brother,
You have already received best advises. i would just say "give benefit of doubt" to your wife and his family. don't give too much importance to this as it will blind you from seeing the good side of your wife/your marriage, in short your life.
Let it go.
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - Lewis B.
As-salamu Alaykum,
I agree with the other responses. I have a close relative who has epilepsy and have researched the condition and spoken to doctors about it. There are many types of epilepsy, including some types that appear in childhood (including the teenage years) and then go away in adulthood, once the brain has matured. If your wife was seizure-free without medication for a number of years, the doctor may have told her she was cured. Don't forget that when we are teens, our medical care is largely handled by our parents, and teen patients usually simply comply with and follow whatever their doctors and parents say and order. They do not necessarily research and analyze all the implications of their illnesses and medications or ask questions of their own.
Once she was finished with the seizures, your wife probably assumed that chapter of her life was over and done with, especially if this is what she was told by others.
Your wife was probably very sad and frightened when the seizures returned, and this is something you should try to understand and empathize with. In order for her to remain free of seizures, she needs to avoid the stress of being blamed for something she has no control over. Stress is a major trigger for seizures, and I cannot imagine any bigger stress than a husband threatening divorce or acting displeased over a chronic medical condition.
Seizures are frightening and disturbing to witness, and I can understand that this caused you stress of your own. But I think you should not view yourself as a victim. Alhumdulellah that your wife is responsive to medication. She is your life partner and your other half, and she is not defined by her epilepsy. She is still a wife and a mother and a human being. Epilepsy is a lot more common that many people realize...and a lot of people don't even realize they have it. Treat your wife with empathy and compassion now, and she is sure to take care of you if you go through your own health challenges of your own later on (most of us do, at some point).
Asalameleykum hi,abdulrahman ur over reacting,its not like she disabled or disfigured etc its only a epilepsy fits shes having,are the epilepsy fit effecting ur life?im sure its not,my hubbys bro married from saudi and she is so beutifull and same happened her fam never told him she hd it when she was a a few years old,after he found out but he wasnt bothered about it at all coz he loves her for her beuty personality not whether she has epilepsy or not,i think its sad ur thinking of divorcing her and ur using epilepsy as an excuse for divorce,maybe ur not happy in ur marriage,and y are u so bothered about her epilepsy,anyway i hope u all the best and u should be thankfull for all ur blessings,i hope u explain my questions so i understand more clearly.i hope u dont think im being harsh to u.x
Seriously? So the woman has epilepsy. Sorry she isn't shiny and new model. "Damaged goods" . My pu don't know what health problems will befall you. Yet you would expect your wife to be there for you. Her family didn't deceive you. She had a seizure, not HIV. Is she a good woman? Good mother? Good persons? I think you want an excuse to leave marriage. Your not "in love" or " in lust " so you want an out. Man up and be a good husband and father. You chose to go through with marriage. This woman doesn't deserve to be cast aside like some trash because you also went through with arranged marriage. Trust me, I doubt she thinks your the be all end all. She is a woman a d therefore wants to keep her family together and have. A happy life. Get over it and make your marriage work. One day you nay find your self in much worse condition and I'm sure you expect the woman in your life to just except your condition and be there.
What do you mean that your wife and her family deceived you? Epilepsy isn't contagious so you won't get it. This is only affecting her. Why are you so concerned about being deceived when this is absolutely beyond her control? Maybe she didn't think this was a big deal or maybe she stopped having these seizures and thought she wouldn't have them anymore. Whatever the case it, she didn't have to tell you if she didn't want to or if she didn't think it was an issue since it was so long after having her last seizure before she married you.
Just relax and continue loving your wife. Just because she and her family didn't tell you this does not mean that they deceived you. Epilepsy, even if it is serious, there are other things that are more important maybe to her and her family. You don't need to know every single little detail about your wife if that's how you feel. Just let her be and help her during her stressful times and when she gets an episode.
As-salamu Alaykum,
As I stated before, I agree that the brother should not divorce his wife, and I think she probably did not mean to "deceive" him. The last time she had a seizure was in her teens, and she probably thought she was cured.
To be fair, however, epilepsy affects everyone in the family/household, not just the person who has it. If someone has an active form of epilepsy, it is important to explain this to a potential spouse as he or she will be the one to take care of you when you have a seizure.
Assalam alaikum Br. AbdulRahman2000,
The name AbdulRahman is truly wonderful--I believe it means "Servant of the Most Merciful." Brother, I don't know if it is true that your wife deceived you or didn't, but, please be merciful to your wife, your child and yourself. shaitaan is trying to trick you into destroying your marriage and suppose you did go your separate ways--you could very well regret your decision. Besides, it is more likely she didn't deceive you.
Take a deep breath, read the advice above especially from the Ayatbinthamza and Friend as they have given you some medical information. You might be worried and stressed, but most likely you are making a hasty decision without much thought into it.
As for your life being *crap* these days, I would say that you have to get back to controlling your thoughts. Maybe you are pretending in front of your wife while feeling something else inside has affected your relationship. It may be best to deal with these feelings on your own, but definitely get it out of your system. If your life is no good, I can't imagine how your wife would be feeling alright--I am sure she would feel that something is not right and both of you are missing out on good times together.
I pray Allah increases the love between you and your wife and that Allah grant you both excellent health and a beautiful life together. Ameen!
AbdulRahman is a wonderful name-Masha Allah. The Prophet (s.a.w.s) said: "The dearest names to Allah the Almighty are 'Abdullah and 'AbdulRahman" (reported by Bukhari and Muslim).
Brother,
I cannot get over how pathetic you sound right about now. You are contemplating divorce due to the fact that your lovely wife had seizures when she was a teenager and she didn't disclose them to you? You feel stressed...cheated and deceived? You swallowed your pride and carried on with your marriage? Are you for real?!
You ask, "what would you have done if you were in my situation?" If I married my husband and I found he had an illness, I would be there for him no matter what. He is my husband. Period. I would support him and care for him because as his wife, I would want to. Isn't that what married couples do?
What do I think you should do next? I for one think you need to grow up and act your age. Be a man and support your wife and daughter. Get over the fact that your wife has Epilepsy, it isn't the end of the world. Quit thinking that your life is crap because of your wife's illness. Your life is crap because you are making it that way.
Salam
Assalam alaikum
Brother let me ask you if ALlah forbid if it were u on her place would you have the same opinion
I had a very miserable life my husband in absence of me while I wasi in Pakistan married a girl in usa and after so many request let me come back to usa for just two weeks then divorce me finally much more things happened his family were also very happy for this I am still in grief May ALlah swt help me ALlah has authorized man a degree higher than woman so that. He would help and ease her in difficult times
Assalam alaikum brother and sisters
Let me ask you brother if it would have been you in place of your wife ALlah forbid what would you have done?
ThanksALlah that you are blessed with a wife and a daughter . And you should always give support respect and care to your family so ALlah be merciful to you Abdul rehman brother.
Being a woman I being in miserable life these days my ex husband and his family ruined my life we were married for 9 yrs and I loved him so much and took great care of him every now n then I came back to usa on 2007 all my inlaws were trying to make me divorce or make our relationship to end up but we both used to love each other a lot but two yrs back when ji was in Pakistan to visit my brother who was sick my husband with a 20 yr old girl went to court and married without the permission of girl parent they both were so happy had. Abby girl I begged him he let me come back for just two weeks and last forced me go back to Pakistan he was changed had no respect n love for me I went back cryingly after 7 month or so this young woman had an affair with someone else and now he divorced her also n going for next marriage
Look how ALlah make things unfavorable for him though he took great care of her n ignored me always