Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Feeling guilty about haraam relationship, what can I do?

Salams,

I'am a 19 year old muslim girl, I have studied in a mixed school since I was a kid and I had never known islam much at all since my school did not have Islam. I didnt even know about zina or anything like that but I have being always a quiet and a decent girl at school I never spoke to guys at all but when I joined college I got new friends and then I met a guy and fell in love with him now its becoming one year and seven months for our relationship.

regret

When we got into a relationship first thing he told me was that I should pray five times and dress like a muslim. He started to change me little by little and now I know about Islam better than before and I pray five times, dont listen to music or anything. I' am trying to prevent everything which Allah does not like but my relationship with my boyfriend is making me feel guilty and I' am scared. He is really nice and his parents know about our relationship, there fine with it but my parents are very strict they would kill me if they findout I have a boyfriend...I cant live with someone else other than him because he changed me and made me a better person plus he had always being there for me.

I dont understand how to take this relationship until marriage because I' am scared of my parents as well as Allah. Please give me advice on this matter as its killing me inside. I' am mostly worried because if I dont marry him I will feel guilty for rest of my life and I will not be able to be close to someone else I' am marrying because I have being very close to my boyfriend....we are anyways still virgins. I regret now about this relationship because if I had known islam before I wouldnt have gone for it but now that I know its seriousness I dont know what I' am suppose to do and how I' am suppose to make my parents understand.

Can I make dua regarding this matter? I' am going to perform an umrah tommorow I want to make dua as much as I can but I heard people saying that duas regarding relationships like this will not be accpeted....is that true? please help me I need to get an answer to this before I go to Saudhi.... Jazakallah :)
-med123zayni


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6 Responses »

  1. You have been doing a wrong thing.Its good you feel guilty. Turn away from this sin and repent. Let the relationship go. Ask your boyfriend to ask for your hand in marriage then you can be in a halaal relationship with Allah's blessings. Mash'Allah finally when marriage happens you can be happy and free of guilt and the sin of haraam relationship. Do the right thing. ;)

  2. Salam o alaikum,

    Dua's are always accepted in more ways than we can ever imagine even if we ask for something not good for us, Allah swt will give us guidance as answer to our prayer and patience.

    About the guy - does he want to marry you? if yes, by all means go ahead and get married ASAP. Get the parents involved, tell them your inclination. word of advice: do not use the term "boyfriend", in this day and age it only means one thing and you don't want to shock your parents first and then tell them that you haven't committed zina.

    If this guy has changed you in a good way, inshaAllah it will lead to good things, its time to grow up and make decisions, however i suggest you play it very mellow in front of ur parents and let them suggest that this guy sounds like a good idea.

    Above all, do istekhara and keep doing it, you will be directed inshaAllah in the right direction.

    Regards,
    Saqib

  3. Asalaam alaikum,

    I have to admit that I am confused by your post. You say that your boyfriend is a good Muslim, but you have been dating him for 19 months and his family approves? Then you say he has taught you Islam. However, you also said that your parents didn't teach you, but have been strict enough to not encourage dating and are taking you to perform umrah?

    If I can be honest, I'm not sure how to dissect these conflicting issues. Perhaps this is just a male who is your friend versus a boyfriend. The latter is someone you would engage in privacy and be affectionate towards, even if it did not include zina/intercourse, yet is still a sin. Whatever the case, it's clear that you have emotions for him, but you need to purify your intentions, beforehand.

    Nevertheless, you need to stop having this relationship and Alhamdulillah, you have realized that. Often we fixate on a person and think "never could I love someone else" because they brought me to Islam. Yet, what you have failed to realize is that your embrace of Islam did not come through this person, as they could only suggest to you what to do. The real cause of your adherence to Islamic Decrees is Allah (swt) and is part of your fitrah that Allah (swt) created way before this man came into your life. Allah (swt) planted the seed of loving Him, the Most Merciful, and allowed it to bloom. One way or the other, Allah (swt) was always going to bring you closer to Him. This would have happened with this man being present or not.

    You have just taken the tangible male 'guide' and mistaken his kindness, instead of seeing that what happened was that Allah (swt) saw you going towards the forbidden relationship and brought you closer to Him instead. You just have not realized this yet.

    So it's important that you stop any forbidden relationship with this man and instead, ask him if he is ready to marry you. If he is, then he will have to visit your parents with his in tow and make a proper proposal. The problem that I have with this however, is that if you were in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, then it is not fair to your parents that everyone is going to deceive them. That is what gives me pause in this situation: if he proposes, more than likely you will have to tell your parents some aspect of what was happening before, but you should not tell them of sins. How your parents will deal with him and his parents condoning a boy/girlfriend relationship will remain to be seen, but if he proposes, then perhaps this will calm their reaction. I you wish to marry this man and he feels the same, somehow and some day down the line, this issue will come up. I think that will be inevitable.

    While you cannot pray for the sins to continue, what you can pray for is that Allah's Will (swt) is done in His best Wisdom. In your case, you should pray that Allah (swt) forgives you for your sins, enjoins you onto His Path of repentance and only does what is good for you: whether that means marriage with this man or leaving him completely.

    Umrah is a time of purifying ourselves and our intentions, seeking forgiveness and making a holy pilgrimage towards Allah (swt). Please do not throw this opportunity away by coming back and engaging in more sin for even a minute concerning this situation. So many people wait years and save so much of their hard earned money, sacrificing almost every indulgence to make these trips possible. For yourself and in respect of what this trip means, please do not destroy this chance you have of regaining nearness and consciousness of Allah (swt)!

  4. ProfessorX was absolutely right. It was not your boyfriend who changed you and brought you to Islam, but Allah. And Alhamdulillah that you have not committed zinaa. You are under no obligation to marry this boy, or stay with him. You should continue your journey in Islam and stop any kind of haram contact with him. If he is interested in marrying you he can approach your parents (or have his parents do it) to ask for your hand in marriage.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  5. Free mixing is haram... Stop talking to him. Tell your parents you want to marry him. Then marry him and engage in all the loving activities you've ever dreamed of. By the way you haven't committed zinah? Are you sure you've never committed zinah of the eyes, zinah of the mouth etc?

  6. sister, could you post an update med123zayni? i hope that your umrah brought you closer to God and inchAllah that he has helped light the Way...

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