My husband is lying about his affair
Dear all
I am currently going through a very difficult time, I am separated from my husband and most likely we will be divorcing. We got married last year and it was by choice - we got to know each other for a few months and thought we were compatible.
However my husband lied to me throughout the marriage about various things and manipulated me in a way that I thought I was in the wrong. I would become angry because he would not admit to lying and his family also started hating me as they saw my negative side due to my husbands lies.
Ultimately the most recent lie was my husband's affair, he met a woman whilst abroad and committed zina which he hid from me. He continued to communicate with this woman on his return until I accidentally saw messages from this woman which led to a huge argument, again my husband lied to cover up. Anyway I have asked the woman directly and she says that my husband told her he was divorced and that they committed zina. My husband has been exposed but denies it, but I know they have slept together.
Anyway my dilemma is that I created a false account under my husband's name and spoke to her to find out more details, which my husband has now found out about as he has started speaking to this woman again. I am worried that this will affect me, and he will use this against me?
Also I feel very hurt and I just don't know how to overcome the pain, the other woman is mocking me and my husband hates me. Please advise me, I am in need.
unique100
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OP: Ultimately the most recent lie was my husband's affair, he met a woman whilst abroad and committed zina which he hid from me
What was your husband doing abroad? Did he just go there to do it with her?
If you want to leave why do you care if the other woman mocks you or your husband hates you?
He told me he was going abroad on a business trip and this is what his family also told me. However I then found out that he had gone there to clear his head, had met this wan whilst out there and had a fling ! He doesn't seem to care much for me, and it seems him and his family have been plotting to get me out of the house for months.
I don't actually want to divorce him I want things to work out, but he just doesn't care about me and has flipped flopped about his emotions endless times. It seems he now wants me
Out of his life but for no good reason ??! I feel
Confused I don't understand his reasons for lying to me throughout the marriage, for his family plotting against me to the extent that his mother wouldn't allow me to have the house keys whilst he was away on this business trip!
There are a lot more issues - but I haven't elaborated on them in this post on order to protect my identity.
Salama Aleikum sis,
I pray that you find comfort in turning to Allah swt and making dua.
One thing struck me; you said he wants you out of his life for no good reason. He wants you out of his life. Do you need a reason? Do you feel there's any reason he should treat you like this? I don't think so. Please don't loose your self respect over a man who will go to such deprived and perverted depths to want you out of his life. It does not reflect on you but him.
You're in an environment that will not benefit you in this life nor hereafter at the moment. You do not have access to your own home as they won't give you keys. You do not have access to any rights, respect nor honour with this family. Please be careful about your choice. And please don't fall pregnant until you know what you want to do.
I am going through a divorce after a short marriage. It is painful and difficult. There are still many 'whys' and I have realised that I will not find answers to many of them. But what ultimately stands are actions. The way your husband treats you says more than his words. Look carefully at the way he treats you. I would also advice you to step back and find a moment of silence. When emotions are running high it is a difficult thing to do. Prayers, silence and patience never hurts you whilst you are making difficult decisions.
Salaam I agree with what you Are saying, essentially he doenst respect me and nor does his family. I have apologised a million and one times for anything I have done wrong but all he does is focus on my negative points! Any excuse to end the marriage it seems, I've bent over backwards to try to make the marriage work but my efforts have been fruitless.
All I want is for him to listen to me and understand my difficulties rather than blaming me for evrything, but he just doesn't care.
oh my dear its clear if u want to leave him or divorce then go for it. If u dont want or try to give chance to ur relation then Don't argue in this situation try to calm hav patience and talk with ur husband directly let him know what u r feeling by his continues lies. Ask him what he is thinking what should I supposed to do with u. Chek his answers if he z apologizing and asking u to give him a chance. Then ordered him to block that girl frm every social networks without letting her knw without sending her single text. If he wants to live with u seriously then he will value what u felt nd what u r ordering him. Tell him u r his wife and its ur right to know about his personal matters. Try to change him Allah will help u my dear.
I think my previous response got deleted.
He told me he was going abroad for a business trip, he met this woman whilst he was abroad and had a little fling! Since I wrote the post he has stopped communicating with her, however he has shown no remorse and doesn't seem to care that it hurt me.
I have been at my parents home for about 4 months now, in those four months he has disappeared with his phone switched off so I wouldn't be able to get hold of him, he has threatened divorce, and then flipped flopped about whether or not he wants the marriage to work. His family have not bothered to contact me at all, nor have they made any efforts to speak to my family to either end things or discuss moving forward.
Ultimately I decided to collect my stuff as I got tired of waiting for him, and that's when the two families met finally and evrything was brought out into the open.
Throughout the marriage my husband has lied about various things, owning a home which he didn't, neglecting me in bed and having multiple excuses for this. The marriage generally got off to a rocky start as he made no effort to actually organise a place for us to live so ultimately we ended up living in hotels, and his relatives house so moved about three or 4 times just in the first two months of marriage. His mother would keep asking for dowry which is considered very offensive in out culture and generally just didn't like me. She withheld the house keys from me whilst my husband was abroad so I had no way of getting into the house unless she was home, and would ask me to return any gifts given by her?
My mistake was I would become frustrated with my husband, I didn't feel respected or appreciated. I felt I was not valued, in turn this would lead to arguments between me and my husband but other than this I haven't done anything out of sorts. My husband doesn't want to discuss any matter relating to the marriage he feels angry of I raise the topic.
Ultimately I would like to make my marriage work but my husband doesn't seem to care, he seems happy enough to be alone and doesn't seem to miss me, although the will communicate with me over the phone now if I call him otherwise he won't bother. His family don't care at all, they seem
Very relaxed and at peace with the whole situation which I find very odd. They are busy going on holidays whilst my family is distraught ?
I'm just so confused and hurt !
I think your confusions lies in your own personal wants, that clearly clash with what your husband wants - or more precisely: what he doesn't want. You have to look past what you WANT and start to do what you NEED to do for your own good. Is it for your own good to desperately hunt down a man who runs away from you, and try to force him to remain with you when he clearly doesn't want you in his life? A man who seeks contact and attention from cheap, desperate women? Why would you want your marriage to work out when it's this kind of husband you are married to? Stop degrading yourself, waiting for this cheating, unreliable man to decide whether or not he wants to come back to you. Stop putting your life on hold for a man who isn't worth waiting for. If you keep wait for him to make a formal decision, your entire life is going to pass - because men like this can make up their final mind 50 years down the line.
Ps
Just to add he and his family told me he was going for a business trip but that was a lie, there was no business he went to 'clear his head' apparently, but it seems he had a good time out there with another woman, I've seen pics of her in his phoen and on facebook of them both together. There are lots of other things too but I can't reveal evrythjng in order to protect my identity.
Sister,
You did the best thing you could have by packing your things and going home to your family. From the sounds of it, he is not deserving of you. Even when confronted with his affair with this woman, he doesn't care one bit. It doesn't sound to me as though there is anything to save in your marriage except for yourself.
Salam
Unique100: Throughout the marriage my husband has lied about various things, owning a home which he didn't, neglecting me in bed and having multiple excuses for this. The marriage generally got off to a rocky start as he made no effort to actually organise a place for us to live so ultimately we ended up living in hotels, and his relatives house so moved about three or 4 times just in the first two months of marriage
Are you sure he does not have a sexual dysfunction? Did he have sexual intercourse with you? Why a normal man would make excuses for sex?
He is habitual liar.
If you want marriage to work, you have to accept him as he is and slowly work with him. You have to pretend you don't know his flings or lies. Arguments or anger is not going to do anything, only create more problems. In a argument two people just keep trying to prove they are right, and in the process problems get bigger. Anger does not solve any problem, only makes the angry person mad.
I had accepted him for what he is, but it was difficult to digest him doing zina !! Also he is the one who now wants to end the marriage and shows no respect. If he had shown me some respect I would happily try to make my marriage work but he just doesn't care , I can't get through to him!!
I had stopped the arguments, I was tolerating things and trying to make it work because I realised the arguments were only making things worse. But then I discovered his fling, I wasn't able to tolerate that! Despite this i have given him every opportunity possible to just move forward and give the marriage another try but he keeps moving further away.
I don't want to give up but it's a one sided struggle, he's sealed his heart it seems and couldn't care less.
Your better off without him, you can't change a man, a man need to change on his own. My husband cheating on me too I found out had a long time with him to change the friends he was hanging out with pray to Allah everyday to change him to the person he first was !! We have a baby together, he knew he was going lose us now I thank Allah everyday he answer my prayers he doesn't go out anymore stay home all the time with me and my baby!!! He change on his own so sister don't go afther him let him let him come find you and take you back!!! Insallah you work things out and Allah heal his heart to change!! This life is a text must women/ men don't know it ontill is to late!!
He doesn't care that he's losing me he's promoting it! It hurts it really does ESP as I've done nothing wrong !!! His family are also encouraging him and I find that horrible ! His mum is also a pathological liar, she used to lie to my face !
I'm sorry sister for what you going through, I know from my personal experience that men don't change over night or any other time unless they want too, if he is cheating now that means he will cheat later too, if you don't have any kids together then you're are better off without him, trust me I'm serious, may Allah make it easy for you and bless you with peace and happiness
Guys, I stupidly ended up calling him yesterday eventhough he told me not to, he said he was sick of discussing things and that we were just going round in circles. I was upset because I thought he was talking to the other woman and so I confronted him. I'm not sure if he was but he was bitter towards me and said he was not interested in the marriage. I responded by saying fine then send me the divorce papers. He seemed almost relieved to hear me say this, said ok and hung up since then his voice has been off. Originally he was giving me time (or so he says) to do my exam before he spoke to the lawyer but now it seems he will accelerate the process. Overall he has been threatening to divorce for four months now and I think he's finally going to do it.
I feel complete despair and can't help but think that somehow this is all my fault. I feel really sad.
His phone has been off not voice
Salam sister,
I'm sorry that you feel like this. It is understandable. You married this man and you both took a serious covenant with Allah swt to act within the boundaries of marriage. Your husband is your wali and should be a protector. He is failing his role, no matter what wrong you may have done to him, he is ultimately failing you and this marriage as he is not willing to resolve your differences OR depart from you with honour and kindness.
Many couples fail to follow the process of divorce as set out in the shariah. Had they, it is very likely that they would not have broken up but worked out their differences. Nevertheless there are situations in which the relationship becomes unbearable and in my opinion it Is usually when one party acts out of the bounds of this precious bond and fail to see their responsibility towards it's breaking.
You called him. So what?! He's your husband. He is not calling you because he is a coward that doesn't know how to please anyone but himself. He has left you on a loose thread- and not knowing what to do you called. Perhaps you should have remained in the home but since the family in law treated you badly and wouldn't give you access I can't see any other choice but to go somewhere safe; your parents home. I would have done the same.
Your husband unfortunately does not care about you or your marriage. It has been 4 months. He is not the only man in the world. Actually most men do not act like this. This is a very destructive and evil way to act. It is odd, wayward and heartless. It's the way of those who have a diseases heart. It is not normal and you have not caused him to act like this. Even if he didn't want to be married to you any longer there are honourable ways to end a marriage, the way of the sunnah.
Do you really want your life to feel like a constricted prison? Do you want to compete for his love and attention always? Do you want a family in law who put you down? Do you want your self worth to be based on his whims and desires? He's just a human being, and even then a very flawed and weak one it seems.
I have been where you are right now just a few months, even weeks ago. What makes it better is silence and no contact. You don't have to let go or stop loving him now. You need your father to contact him regarding the divorce and you need to go silent. Silence won't kill you. You'll cry, you'll feel despair, you'll hurt. These emotions will come and go. Because this guy that you thought would respect, love and honour you has no intentions of doing so. Forget his intentions and words and sweet sayings. His actions are that of a man who is not suitable for you. So let go openly but mourn your loss privately. There is no other way sis. Put down your phone , pray to Allah swt, make dua that He swt makes your stronger and keep busy with family. Write your feelings in a journal. Exercise. Sleep well. Learn something new, or bake for your family. Make others happy. I promise you it gets better no matter how terrible it feels. You can only work towards something good with someone who wants the same. Has he given you ANY indication he wants to do that? No. So believe him. Really do believe him. This is the only thing he is being absolutely honest about.
You won't believe me now but in time you'll see that he starts to fade away. The intensity will go. You'll see him for what he is. He is not what you thought he would be and that is the biggest loss. That is what I am still mourning. The let down, the disrespect, the dishonour etc. but in reality they all reflect on him, not me. I know that I was a wonderful wife to him and he lost me. He knows that too, I have no doubt of that. And he will mourn over his idiot behaviour far longer than I will mourn the loss of dreams and hopes in a husband who never really existed.
Warm hugs.
Salaam sister hopeful,
Thank you for such a thought out and warm response, I really appreciate it.
I think your right about not leaving the home, in fact I didn't he asked me to. I was leaving on the night I found out about his fling and it killed me but I stayed thinking we would be able to. He sent me a text message whilst I was at work the following day telling me he no longer wanted to be in the marriahe and that i should leave the home. I in fact did go back a couple of days after but I still had not recieved any contact from him and had no idea where he was. His mother who was living in the house did not want to talk to me, she left and didn't return until I was in bed and left early the next morning, purposely avoiding me. I was in a state, so I contacted my father in law who is in a differrnt country, he tried to make amends but was unsuccessful.
Unfortunalty the phone call yday was my anxiety that he was talking again with that woman and I accused him, I'm sure he isn't. I was so angry with him because he let her into our lives but I regret it having a go at him and I regret telling him to send me the divorce papers but I only said this because I was hurt about him saying he wasn't intrestwd in the marriage, his phone has been off since then and I am actually worried but I have no way of finding out if he is ok. He has done this before, But this time I feel as though something's wrong.
I feel very upset and for some strange reason guilty. I feel like I've done something wrong, my main problem in the marriage was that i would nag him and argue about stuff, about things he was lying about etc...perhaps I should have been more patient and tried to understand why he was lying persistently.
I feel very upset about the whole situation.
I mean he seemed adamant and had clearly stated that he didn't feel the marriage would work but we were still talking on the phone, they were superficial conversations but I felt that each time I would bring any issues into the conversarion regarding the marriage it would upset him and me. I wish I hadnt, I feel that would upset him. I'm so confused
Salam sis,
I hope you feel better today.
Islamically, it is not allowed for him to ask you to leave your home. Absolutely unacceptable. Even if you're going through a divorce you should have felt safe to remain at home.
You bringing up the problems in your marriage is not wrong at all. People are different. I've learnt that my husband wanted to talk about our marital issues on his term- usually via text when it suited him and he'd promise we'd work things out. He'd never keep that promise of course and would change his mood depending on his whims and desires.
I find it really funny that the same man who has enough guts to present himself in front of a whole family and community to proclaim his marriage to you can not seem to talk to you, only you, about any issues you face. It may be that he is not aware or able to deal with conflict and your/his issues hence he self combusts. Now be wary sis- this is not something you can help him with. This is something he needs to take responsibility for. You have tried to open the dialogue, even though you were upset at the time. He subsequently cut you off. It's classic. You're now worrying about his welfare?! Why? Do you think he can't take care if himself? Of course he can. Your brain is playing you the ultimate ' I need to save him ' drama. Stop hurting yourself sis.
I cannot stress it enough- Stop calling him. Start to take care of yourself. Be a strong Muslim woman. Don't run after him. A man will not leave a woman he loves and cherishes. Leave him alone sis and let your parents deal with the rest. Casual conversations is like settling for bread crumbs. This is not marriage. Be the respectable woman you are. Let go and leave it with Allah swt.
The best thing you can do now is to capitalise on this difficult time . How? Turn to Allah swt, learn and read about what divorce is and how it should happen, read about marriage and conflict resolution, learn about how to be a better muslimah, read about the sahabas lives, recite the quraan, ponder it's meanings. If your husband ever decides to work on your marriage you'll be in a better position to chose what you want. And if he doesn't you'll have learnt so much about yourself and your faith.
A spouse is a means of getting closer to Allah swt and being a better worshiper, Muslim, being. They're not our selfish possessions on earth. Once we think that they belong to us or our reputation or our desires then we lose focus of why we were created. Your love for a human being should never fill up your heart. If it does you become a prisoner to them.
I read an analogy: If you were in a kingdom with the King of the kings and you enter his castle and see his servant as you're approaching the King- would you stop and ask the servant for the favour you have come to ask or would you proceed knowing the King never refuses your asking? You wouldn't look sideway at the servant but would proceed with hope of being accepted and fear of being rejected by the Most Merciful King.
Sis, don't look at your husband as the gateway to life's treasures and to the Hearafter when Allah swt Will Suffice you. Don't give a human being a status they do not deserve.
I loved my husband dearly. I sacrificed a lot for him and was willing to give more. I was in love with him and loved being around him. I accepted his weaknesses and was willing to help him. I totally fancied him. I tried to establish good communication with him. When he messed up I'd still be there, forgiving him and giving him another chance. I chased him, I pleaded with him. Then I let go...
He still left me whilst saying he could not fault me, how I was the best woman he'd ever met and that he loved me. He divorced me via text and email and refused to talk to me or my family after a very short marriage with no children involved. On top of that he would regularly put me down, argue with me ( or actually himself mostly ) over text and confuse me. His ACTIONS were simply opposite to his intentions and words. But his actions caused me great hurt and he knew that. A man who behaves like this is not in my opinion ready for marriage. A man like this lacks basic integrity and common sense. How could I possibly build a life and family with that? Running away from a conflict that he created? How strange.
Why did he divorce me? Because he is not able to be a husband to me. Impossible. He handles himself in a way I could never imagine a respectable man to do. It makes me feel nauseated today to think of sharing a life with him. It's not for me. I chose wrong because I did not know my standards beforehand. I learnt them when I felt broken and I prayed to Allah swt to Help me.
Yes it is still hard sometimes but I promise you sis I'm happier this way. I don't feel conflicted as a muslimah and woman anymore. My husband could have stopped at any moment to rectify matters but he didn't. That was his choice. His choice was not to have me in his life. And that made it easy for me to move on.
I'm not saying that this will happen to you sis. I'm showing you that life is not about another human being. It's about your relationship with Allah swt and this will encompass any relationship you have with others; parents, siblings, friends and husband. Once you know what's acceptable vs unacceptable you'll feel content about any relationship you have in life.
I understand yr concern. Have faith in Allah .He kmows what is best for u.