A promise ring in Islam!!!
As salamu Aleikum,
I have known this guy for over two years. I wouldn't call it a relationship, or a boyfriend...well at least not in the western standards. I mean we hardly ever go out, but we do talk on the phone, so i don´t know what to call it.
He has been telling me from the get go, that he's not into dating, and wants to get married right a way, because he truly loves me, and thinks that i am the one. To be honest, i didnt believe a word he said at the time, because i thought it was too soon for him to have all these feelings, because i didn´t love him at the time. However, over time, he really proved to me that he not only loves me, but respects and appreciates me.
In regards to his proposal, i said no, because i want to finish school first. Even though, i will get my bachelors soon, i still want to finish with grad school before marriage, which will take another 4 years. Another obstacle, which i didn´t voice to him yet, is the fact that he's from a different country, and knowing my dad, this will be a huge issue. To make a long story short, he actually agreed to wait for me for 4 years, but he said that he wants to meet my family and do an engagement. I made a lame excuse about how that wouldn't work( but deep down, i am just scared of my dad's reaction). _He told me that he doesn't feel comfortable doing this for 4 years, without having a legit commitment, so he said that he wants to give me a promise ring.
At first, i said yes, because i thought this is harmless, it's just a ring!!!but when i came home, i googled it( LOOOL), and found out that it's also called a pre-engagement ring. So now i am just confused, would my parents have to be present for this? is it haram? should i even get this guy's hopes up, and have my dad say no after 4 years....So i just need help with this, because there's really no one i can talk to about this, because my parents and family are kind of traditional, and i can never talk to them about guy, let alone a guy from a different country!!
Amona
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Dear Amona, Walaykumsalaam,
There is no such thing as a 'promise ring' in Islam or 'engagement'. These are two western concepts where the girl and guy decide to (semi) commit to one another but to wait some time before fully committing by getting marriage. There is no sense in it and can only result in fitnah. If a couple fulfil all the marriage critera, they should marry as soon as possible without delay. Marriage makes a relationship halaal and legal and leaves no room for fitnah.
What you think is just innocent contact between the two of you, i.e. occassional phone calls etc can develop into something 'wrong' very easily as emotions can take over. And in your case, four years is a long time to keep up such a relationship - it is non-sensical. You have both been in contact for two years under the guise of 'friends', but its time to clarify this relationship. This guy seems to want marriage and is trying to secure you with a ring and by making claims of loving you (I cannot judge the sincerity behind this), and you do not appear to feel the same way. But you are finding it difficult to say 'no' to this guy, perhaps because of fear that you will lose his presence in your life?
OK: self awareness time: I feel you have alot of soul searching to do and you need to develop some awareness and confidence so that you walk into a marriage with your eyes open. This is not a laughing matter, where you just accept a ring when the guy gifting it to you has committment in mind. You are leading him on while you do not even know what you want. Its time to wake up and understand your own feelings and tell the guy exactly what is going on in your head before things turn sour.
Return the ring to this guy, telling him that you cannot commit to him for marriage until you are clear about what you want and until you have consulted with your father as he is your wali. It is absolutely immoral and unislamic for you to decide on marriage without consulting your father.
However, if you are satisfied with the qualities in this person for marriage, i.e. he is of good character, he is pious and you connect with him and you feel you will be unhappy without him as your husband, then find the courage to speak to your father. Afterall, you are not asking for something 'wrong'. Speak to family members who may be able to soften your father to the idea of considering this man for marriage.
If you cannot do this, then just leave him and let him move on. If the guy reacts badly to this, then it is clear that he was never right for you.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
hello 🙂
thanks for sharing! first off..yes that promise ring, we have that in our traditions too..the girl and the guy get promised (rings are involved) but families are present while doing this..its like a mini thing at the girls house. Soon after engagement rings come in. So practically promise ring - waiting to be engaged. I advise you to tell your father about this boy immediately if you are considering marrying him. Your studying, so im guessing your at a right age to be discussing marriage with him. Explain to your mother that you have met a boy and he seems to be a good person etc and you two want to get married, your mother will tell your dad and then see what happens from then on..but please sister, don't tell this man you will get married four years later - make him wait then have your father say no. it will be better to discuss this with your parents, and see if they will accept this soon or even 4 years later.