Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Am I committing a sin by thinking about other men?


Asalmualaikim Wa Rahmatullah Wa barakatuhu,,, I am 24 years of age and my husband is 27 we have been married for nearly 6years ( we have no children). I have 2 older sisters 1 of them has been divorced twice whilst my other sister is going through a divorce. I never wanted to get married to my husband but my mother fell ill and begged me to marry him because he was so desperate to marry me. I however wanted to marry someone else but my family didn't accept it. I ended up marrying who my family wanted to. My husband loves me a lot and i'm not gona lie my husband is trustworthy, honest kind genuine and he treats me better than the one who I wanted to marry but he doesn't take the mans role ( if you know what I mean).

I always wanted someone independant, someone who can protect me instead it's the other way round, however when me and my husband are intimate I want to scream and cry I don't like him touching me (he doesn't know that). I have to think of someone else no one particular to get me going, (I'm sorry for going in detail but it's eating me up). I don't wana get a divorce because my parents are already stressed out with my 2 older sisters marriages and if I do the same my father will end up with a heart attack, I don't tell no one how i feel I leave it to Allah, I'm trying for a baby so that i might feel something for my husband. but im crying my best to make it work.

If i stay quiet and carry in the way I am, am I committing a sin?  Will I be judged for fantasising about other men? Will i be rewarded for keeping my mouth shut and trying to please my husband even though i don't like him for the sake of his happiness and my parents? I dont want to let my family down....please help???!!!!!


Tagged as: , ,

24 Responses »

  1. Such a sad thing to read . This is the third question of similar content in this week alone .

  2. As salamu alaykum, muslimsister,

    I agree with A muslim man, I feel sorry for both of you. This is my personal opinion about your situation.

    Have you put yourself in your husband shoes? It seems to me you just have seen your nable in all this situation, don´t you realize how painful can be to think we are being loved and the person with whom we share our most intimate moments is thinking about other one because can´t stand us?

    You maybe think that you are the victim here, but I feel extremely sorry for your husband, you have the solution in your hand, are you waiting to get pregnant to have a baby that will suffer for your lack of decision and honesty? You will see everyday the face of your husband in your little one, aren´t you seeing how selfish is your behaviour?

    Your father won´t die if you divorce and Insha´Allah, you will be honest to you, your husband and your future children.

    I don´t know if you are sinning, but using common sense you are having sex in your mind with someone that is not your husband, doesn´t sound too good to me. You are old enough to take mature decisions and handle this situation, try not to hurt your husband if you decide to divorce, don´t mention details, you just don´t want to be with him.

    May Allah(swt) help and guide all of us to the right decisions. Ameen.

    From Heart to Heart,

    María Editor

  3. salam

    its to bad you feel that way, its crazy how many people dont accept/realize the good they have and say al hamdulilah. this man seems like an amazing guy that would never hurt anyone including yourself, i come on this site once or twice a week going through peoples problems and make dua for them one by 1 cus walahi it saddens me what the muslims world is comin to.go through and see how many muslim men beat on ther wives, daughters etc. i was born a muslim hamdulilah but never followed it till recently, and now im running after the deen alhamdulilah, so sister look around you accept wat you have, dont make life more difficult then it has to be.
    may allah guide you to make everything easier for you. ameen

    peace out

  4. Salaam Muslim Sister,

    I am sorry that you are having to go through this experience of not feeling attachment to your husband.

    I do not know what is causing this problem, and I would advise that you seek the cause of your rejection of him, because after 6 years of marriage, of someone being good to you - there should be some level of attachment that should have formed by now - and it may be that you have resisted this attachment for all of this time to make some point, or prove some point (that maybe the other man was better for you / that your parents were wrong in their decision / that it is not possible for you to be happy - any thing like this.)

    The truth is that you can love your husband and feel attachment towards him, but you are preventing this (psychologically). Why? I cannot possibly know - but I think the first thing to recognise in yourself is that at some stage in your life you made a decision: "I will never love this man" and then since then, your actions, thoughts and behaviours are all working to obey an uphold that decision.

    I am telling you now that it is possible for you to fall in love with your husband and find happiness in your marriage, for you to want him and feel close to him - but the key to this happening is to first of all look back in time and find out when you made the decision that it was not possible. Once you have identified that decision, you can probably track how (since making that decision) all of your actions have been working to prove this as being right.

    Then, you can make a new decision: "I am going to fall in love with my husband" and then slowly, you will see that all of your actions, thoughts and emotions will begin to align with this statement.

    Probably for some time you have been resisting it and really it is up to you if you want to love your husband or no. Love does not fall out of the sky and land on people, love is planted, seeded, watered and nourished until it grows.

    So - the decision is in your hands, in a much greater way than you realise. A baby will not solve your problem, but a shift in mentality will.


    Editor, Islamic Answers

    • Every word, sister Leyla has said can be done, if you choose to follow her words, your marriage will have other opportunity, insha´Allah.

      María Editor

    • And just to add to this, the symptoms that sister Leyla has listed aren't something that will necessarily go away with another marriage. This speaks of some strong underlying mental problems that you have to address

  5. Assalamualaikum MuslimSister,
    i don't know how to respond to it but it's really hurting to hear all this. I can understand how you feel. On one hand i feel sorry for your husband . And on the other i feel so much for you too as you are the one playing the man's role. And even you don't want to hurt your parents. So i think the best thing is you try to feel for him yourself and work it out.
    And for any other decision you should do Istikhara. Ans Inshallah Allah(swt) will help you out.
    I will pray for you.

  6. Holy Prophet Hazrat Muhammad PBUH has said, "I have never seen such a horrible thing like hell ever before and I have seen a lot of women there". People and companions asked, "O Prophet PBUH! Why it is so".  He replied, "That is due to (ungrateful) heathenism". Companions asked, "Whether heathenism from Allah!" Holy Prophet Hazrat Muhammad PBUH has said, "No! Heathenism (ungrateful) from husband, i.e. ungratefulness and not accepting his favors".

    Woman is such that if a man does favor upon her the whole life and if any thing from man happens that is disliked by them then they say, "I have never seen any favor of you (Bukhari). Hazrat Soubaan R.A narrated that Holy Prophet Hazrat Muhammad PBUH has said, "The smell of paradise will not reach to that woman who asked divorce from his husband with out any valid reason" (Ibn-Maaja, Abu Dawood, Ahmed, Tirmizi, and Darmi).

  7. It is not good to think of other when Allah S.W.T has given you a loving husband and insha Allah and will give you children . Be loyal to your husband and Shaitan is along with your creating the Nafs ( temptation ) , read holy quran and recite the words of Allah before your intimate relationship and pray salaath five time daily. Keep Fast and give sadka to poor . Insha Allah all your bad thinking would beerased like a system formating .

  8. Dear sister,
    i understand u perfectly coz i sail in the same boat. Ur situation is sad indeed but what is more upsetting is that u had to share it here, where ppl judge u like u r at fault. The truth is that when Allah created us he decided to test us. He put each one of us into different situation and gave us the rules to follow. My dear sister when i married i was 18 and my huband was 10yr older workoholic. My situation was even worse coz he was not even romantic or sensitive and to add to my agony i had some serious monster mother-in-Iaw issues. There at home my dad was planning to marry some1 who just like a fitna sprang out of nowhere and so i cudnt even think of a divorce..felt like i was stuck in a big nightmare. My sister its been 13 yrs since and today i have an adorable pair(a son and a daughter) and my husband has changed or probably appears to have and mother-in-law has and my parents r still together (lady fitna has vanished) and all this coz of 2 things sabr and ibadah. My dear sister its a test. This whole life is a test. U dont get everything u need or want, but it all gets bearable if u convince urself that something really good is waiting to make u happy in the end. If u dont accept it sister u will c how the shaitan will try to lure u, he will even use ur ex to believe.u that u cud start with him again. He will bring u more humiliation and pain. Turn to God for help coz u cannot control ur feelings but u can control ur actions. May Allah make u strong enuff to deal with this sister. I assure u that u r not alone. Allah knows when u weep. There r thousands of women who cry secretly for the similar reason and these r the ones who will gain a very high position in jannah for holding on to the faith when it was the easiest to lose. Ameen.

    • jazakallah sis so much you have made me very happy..its so nice to see such a sweet reply...May Allah swt bless you and reward you. its been nearly 2 years since i put that post up i can say i fell pregnant in 2012 and walahee it brought me and my husband close.... I had a miscarriage but still Alhamdulillah going strong. I will never go back to the person who i was. My husband has stepped up and is extremely good to me. What you said is the truth patience and prayer is what i have learned. I pray to Allah that Allah rewards all the brothers and sisters here who replied. I am going through alot of anxiety and debt at the moment so please remember me in your duas! I must say i did get a little hurt with the answers above but everyone has their own opinion may Allah forgive me first for anything i have said,done or felt ameen. There are days when i feel like i did 2 years ago but then i remember the ayah "you might dislike something that is good for you" oand i remind myself each and every day put your trust in Allah, for indeed Allah is the best of planners, this life is a test... dunya is not everything and then i think of me and my hub in jannah and it brings joy and i get excited. Everything that has happened Allah had ordained for me and thats what gets me through each

      • aww yeh and i dont mean i think of other men!! lol i meant i have down days when i feel sad...x

        • Assalam'alaykum,

          Almost 2 years have past since, how is everything now sis ? Have your situation improved ?

      • Alhamdulillahi rabb al alameen

        • wa alaikum salam yes Alhamdulillah my situation has improved i sent that post in july 2011,i no longer feel the way i used to. i love my husband so much for the sake of Allah and i enjoy his company each and everyday.. i sat down with my husband and told him everything how i felt, whats the point of hiding something when Allah swt is watching me...he knows what goes on inside....Alhamdulillah with the whole intimacy situation things have improved... It was extremely hard to tell him but he did understand as there were things that he was doing that put me off him and when i explained everything he stopped all the stuff that put me off him and vice versa. It takes two tangle and Alhamdulillah i changed and so did he. After i had a miscarriage it brought me and him even closer and more closer to Allah 'To Allah we belong and to him we will return' .
          Yes there are times when we get frustrated with each other but thats every couple you just have to work it out.
          We still don't have any children but In shaa Allah when Allah wills it will happen.
          I am going through alot of anxiety and debt so please all of you remember me in your duas x

          • Alhamdolillah!
            i am so glad to read u again. Nice to know that things r looking brighter on ur end. Islam is 1 religion that instills optimism. Stay positive and in sha Allah u will also conceive very soon. Stop worrying about it. Both of u (ur husband too) get urselves thoroughly examined. Also see an endocrinologist (hormone specialist). My sister and my friend both were suffering from p.c.o.d. A hormonal imbalance that makes conception next to impossible so check if u have that. There is an alarming rise in p.c.o.d cases if not that is could b something else.. But if Allah wills nothing is impossible. My sister had 2 successful pregnancies and my friend just called to inform that she is pregnant after several yrs. She tried meditation(yoga) maybe u could try that as well. This will take all the unnecessary stress of ur head.There is a quranic prayer for conception as well. I will look up for it and put it right here.
            Dont get worked up over trivial arguments, they only remind us that we r still on planet earth and we still need to work for jannah. The race isnt over sister. Our struggle continues.
            All the best.
            Keep smiling.

          • Subhana'Allah masha'Allah thats the attitude wa alhamdulilah ala kul haal.

            Sorry to hear about that incident. Allah will insha'Allah comepensate you. May He show mercy on you and give you more babies. Ameen.

  9. jazakallah khair so much! you made me smile even more xxx!
    i have underactive thyroids and pcos and alot alot of stress lol! but thats to do with debt and anxiety In shaa Allah Allah will get me through as he has always done!
    apple green i would really appreciate it if you could post the dua In shaa Allah may Allah bless you all ameen

    • Surah Al Ambiya verse no. 89
      ''Rabbahuu Rabbi laa tarzarnii fardawwa Anta Khairul waarisiin.''

      This dua was made by hazrat Zakariya (r.a) and it means- '' O my Lord! Leave me not without offspring, though Thou art the best of inheritors''
      Allah heard him and blessed him with Yahya (r.a). Hazrat zakariyaa was too old and his wife was barren yet Allah blessed them with a righteous child.
      say this dua after ever fardh namaz and make a habit of praying salat ul layl. Allah s.w.t is the closest to mankind on the latter part of the night and we should not waste our time to sleep. Wake up just 30. Mins b4 fajr salah say ur tahajjud prayer do sincere tawbah and say this prayer. U will b blessed with a child soon. Ameen.

      • jazkallak khairan sis May ALLAH remove all your worries, distress and problems and bless you with happiness, health, wealth, imaan and grant you and all your family the highest ranks of jannatul firdaus and may we all be resurrected among the righteous and pious ameen x

        • Ameen sister, this is the best dua any1 has given me for far.
          Actually i just came back on this page coz i just found 1 more dua for u.
          This one is from Surah Al-i-Imran verse no. 38
          '' Rabbi hab lii mil-ladunka zurriyyatan tayyibah: innaka Samii-'ud-duaaa''
          This means - O my Lord! Grant unto me from Thee a progeny that is pure. For Thou art indeed the All-Hearer of invocations.
          Subhan Allah sister these duas r short and very easy to memorize so say them after every farz salah and after tahajjud and any time u can think of and he will answer it. In sha Allah.
          Be happy.

          • jazakalakair sis you be happy too i'll always remember you in my duas all of you In shaa Allah walaikumsalam x

  10. My dear sister we may love a thing that is bad for us but not know it and likewise we may hate a thing that is good for us ...Everything is as Allah make supplication for Allah to grant you the good in it and for once put your Creator foremost

Leave a Response