He makes me feel horrible but I can’t handle another breakup
I am a 22 year old female in my final year at university. In my time at uni I have had a couple of boyfriends (muslim)- what hurts is that each time, I entered the relationship with the intention that this would work and with the intention of finding my life partner but sadly it never happened.
For the past 4 months I have been seeing a Muslim guy at uni. He told me within 1 month of the relationship that he wanted to marry me- we were happy, he was perfect and I thought Allah finally gave me my happiness.
Then things changed- we began to have arguments and now it has gotten to a point where he makes me feel horrible: he continually brings up arguments we have had and what a bad person I am (including the fact that I have an ex). I don't know what to do - I can't get out of this relationship because:
1) I think I love him
2) I'm scared of being alone
3) I can't handle another break-up
I am so lost and confused. After I broke up with my ex I attempted to commit suicide but, needless to say, it was not succesful.
I don't understand what's going on- I pray 5 times a day, I don't drink, go clubbing etc etc. My intentions with this guy have been pure from day 1 but now I find myself crumbling and falling deeper and deeper into despair. Why did Allah let me meet these guys, including the current one, if it wasn't going to work?
What can I do... is there any dua for me to get my life back on track? Every day I cry myself to sleep at my past and my current situation.
Please help me...
- aa87
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Asslam O Alaikum Sister!
Peace be with you, first of all sister I would like to say that I am not an expert on relationships at all (In fact never been in one so far being 28).The whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing is UTTERLY NON-SENSE AND WRONG because it's not right religiously but I don't know our generation has made it a fashion. Even if you go with the intention of finding a life partner. There are conventional, traditional ways of finding a spouse. Your parents, marriage events, matrimonial website, etc. Also sister you are a university student and doing all this behind your parent's back who think you to study (I said that because no parents would like their children to have boyfriend/girlfriend at any stage no matter how open/modern they are.) As far as arguments are concerned, I think you should have positive discussion on the things which you guys think you should know about each other before marriage(because that's no exit entry once and for all) as it helps to see whether you guys are a suitable match for each other or its just the charm. SISTER NEVER EVER THINK OF SUICIDE BECAUSE IT IS HARAM AND IMAGINE HOW MUCH PAIN AND SHAME YOUR PARENTS AND BROTHERS AND SISTER WILL HAVE TO GO THROUGH WITHOUT/EVEN KNOWING THE REASON. ALSO YOU WILL ANNOY ALLAH ALMIGHTY (THE BENEFICIAL).
The impression I took from your question is that you sound like too desperate sister. Remember, being a guy, I know your boyfriend knows, this is your weakness to be in a relationship. No matter what he will say or do he knows that he has an upper hand. So, please change this kind of attitude with "can't be bothered" attitude and see how things will change. It will be hard so have some patience, Inshaallah Allah Almighty will help you in this situation. Now your individual points sister.
1- I think I love him.
Sister you better be sure on that because it doesn't look like you guys click together as you argue a lot even before marriage. What will happen after the marriage. He will always hurt you bringing up the subjects like your EX and other things you have done before marriage.
2- I am scared of being alone.
Think sister, are you the only person who needs to be in a relationship like boyfriend/girlfriend. Are there no other guys and girls who never have had any relationship for whatever reason even they could have. My advice would be to make a few girl friends and engage yourself into healthy activities like going to gym, helping community, going out with friends etc.
3- I can't handle another break up.
I think enough is said about this already.
I must say sister your connection with your creator is weak (don't get me wrong), because if you are saying that you offer prayer 5 times a day and still can't change yourself then think. Prayer abstain believers from doing haram things as mentioned in Quran. So, just connect with Allah Almighty on a more spiritual level.
May Allah bless you and protect us all from evil(Amin).
Dear sad one spirit
soembody says once:
"Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with. Share this with all the good apples you know."
life doesn't end on 22.Lifes is jusy begging on 22.And I may say "wellcome to adult's world"..there is no longer chilhood age with belifes on fairy tales...and also no longer teen age when we belive we have total control ower our lifes..no...is time for you to get into mature's age..and is it...soemtiems we need to wait and to be patient till to get what we want it...
you wish a famelly..a long term love relationship...
is a very normal and decent wish, so, you shouldnt be worry that Allah decided to keep you away from it...why should He do this?
is not Allah's wish you to not be happy...be sure, Allah put inside you all you need to make a man to love you....but is your duty to learn to know yourself and to learn to use all your skills to found it, to keep it and also, to make it in time bigger anf bigger ...
first of all....learn to select a good man from a lot of not-so-good men...maybe you failed till now because from begging you accepted relationship with man who simplly didn't mached with you..so..from first moment those relationships were ment to get over (and let me tell you ...pray to Allah to thank Him for getting those men out of your life)
second....you toooooooooooooooooooo desperate for a relationship....did you thought that into yoru wish to keep a relationship you get lower the standards which you expect from a man?...i meen..you said....the last fiance is blameing you and complaining...if you just stay and suffer..will not make him to love you..if you argue about it..also will not make him love you..you know what?...actually, maybe he dosn't loves you..so..why do you insist him to stay into your life?...oh ya.....because you no longer resist to a new break up....come on....you can't do such thing to yoruself..to keep yourself near a man who doesn't makes you happy..you have to demand love, afection, respect, comunication and many others from a relationship....you can't let those standards down because that will be waht you'll get...a low standard relationtship...
please, cry as much as you feel you needed it..then ..stand up...and make soemthing good for yourself or for your comunity..no matter how sad you are, you'll see, tehre are many people into worce situation....don't put the idea to have soembebody into yoru life as only one goal of your life...
I don;t wish to judge you (or anybody else), but in a way you said it "I pray 5 times a day, I don't drink, go clubbing etc etc..Why did Allah let me meet these guys, including the current one, if it wasn't going to work?"
sounds a little bit like you try to deal with Allah...you can;t say i do my job and You'll make yours (meens to be sended a charmy prince)..are you sure that around you is not a good heart man?..are you sure Allah didn't sent you the man who makes you happy?...are you sure you looked around carefull?...did you choosed your possible finance after theyr heart or after theyr look?...maybe that special man, the one sent by Allah is beside you..and you ignored him till now..trying to have relationships with man who didn;t deserved you.
I'll tell you why Allah wants from you now...He wants you to get mature...sometiems...to be mature meens to accept that your power is limited and to ask for help..talk with your mother, or aunt or grandmother....soembody who has life experience and also is close to your heart..don't be arffaid to ask theyr advice, how to choose, to evaluate a man...i don't say your problem will be fixed in 5 seconds, I just say, your problem will be solved in a way you wish it...just trust Allah, trust yoru famelly and also...trust yourself...
peace
Salaam,
May Allah guide you and all of us onto the righteous path.
The previous 2 responses are not correct Islamically, both are actually giving relationship advice, Astagfirullah. Shame on them for almost asking this young lady to keep on looking for more decent men, do you not know your own faith? Islam strictly prohibits "finding yourself a man/woman", your family does it, your parents/guardians do it using your criteria.
1. Are you seriously expecting pre-marital relationship advice from an Islamic site?
2. Do you not know that what you're doing is haraam?
3. Why do you think you're crying? Is it cause of not being happy in a relationship or is it because you're in a haraam relationship that is displeasing the Almighty.
Lahowla wala quwata illa billah hil aliyal azeem.
End this nonsense of relationships, there is no such thing in Islam, end it now or suffer more because of it. You say your intentions are pure, how can they be pure when you are displeasing the Almighty through them?
My advice is simple.
4. Do not have such nonsense relationships.
5. End all contact with males who are not mahrams.
6. Wait for Allah through your family, to find you a suitable partner, a companion who would suit you more than these young man after a female to pass time with.
May Allah guide ALL of us onto the righteous path, may ALLAH give guidance to all of us. Ameen.
Marhaba
escuse my ignorance..but....when a youngh girl get more enggagement's offers, how do you call the process to select one of them?
plus....one of basical rules of this site is to not insult other's peoples opinions. Acutaly, as muslim, you have the obligations to respect other';s people ideas. Of cource, you can desagree, but in decent way..so...i sugest you wach your words when you comment.
peace
She shouldn't get those engagement offers directly, it should be to her Walees (her guardian). Then she should decide based on the input from her family.
@Mohammad
AOA, brother thanks for your "ISLAMIC REFERENCE" (which I couldn't see) to the answer but I seriously doubt that you read my reply thoroughly or if you did then you haven't interpreted it in the right way. Why would we be shame when we are here to help in our own capacity within the limits set by Islam and this website. Can you provide me the reference to "Islam prohibits a women/man to find themselves a spouse". I bet you can't because what could a bigger reference then the first marriage of Holy Prophet (PBUH). Who approached who and where were the parents, guardians. If that is Haram then, from your point "matrimonial websites" or "Single Muslim Marriage Events" are all Haram right brother:)-.
You have almost written the same as what I wrote like finding a guardian through parents, friends, guardians, etc. Also you mentioned that pre-marriage relationships are Haram (which I mentioned at the start of my response to question), I also said it in the first line that I am not a relationship expert and I am totally against boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I HOPE YOU CAN AT LEAST READ AND INTERPRET THIS REPLY PROPERLY INSHAALLAH.
Also Islam doesn't command women to isolate themselves within houses and don't go to acquire education, job, community service etc. What Islam says is that, women should follow the teachings of Islam and remain in their boundaries being in a school/college/University or on job. However, after the marriage, a woman's first responsibility is her family (husband, children) so she should priorities that. If she can manage her responsibilities then why not allow her to work, study or take part in other Halal activities being knowing her limits:)-
May Allah help us all understand our religion properly and spread it to others. (Amin)
I am recent convert to Islam, I have experienced before what sister has just experienced and Alhamdullah, I was able to get through it all, its a matter of trust and faith.
Sister, whatever you are going through right now, please know that Allah is with those who trust in Him. You are still young and although marriage is a privilege, it is not a must for everyone. There are single Muslim men and women around the world who are happy serving Allah alone. Do not force yourself to think that you should marry right now because you will always end up in the wrong direction.
First, you must sincerely ask for forgiveness for your sins, being in a boyfriend relationship and commiting suicide is haram. Take wudu and talk to Allah before you sleep, tell Him what you think, what you have done, how you feel, in fact, tell Him everything. Make this a daily ritual, talk to Him everyday, whether you are sad or happy.
Second, try to regain or increase your faith and trust to Allah by reading the Quran, hadiths and other Islamic books. Our environment nowadays are full of temptations such as gossip, bad music, tv or even the internet and people who will give you a bad advice or be a bad influence to you. Avoid anything or anyone that will take your faith away from Allah. Allah is our Creator and HE ALONE knows everything and what is best for us all.
Third, spend time with your family and close (good Muslim) friends. Spend time with yourself, read Islamic books, explore nature with your family, go to the beach early morning and see the sunrise, you can opt to travel, just try and be alone for awhile and appreciate what Allah has given us. Observe everything around you and you will see how Allah has created all things and how He takes care of even the smallest creatures around us.
Fourth, try and help someone, donate for the less fortunate people, give food to those who clean our streets, volunteer your time for people who are disabled or old, help the animals or help save our environment, smile and say Salaam to our Muslim brothers and sisters.
Fifth, when you feel that you are refreshed from all of the negativity inside and around you, talk to Allah again and do istikhara. Open your eyes and hear what He will tell you.
ALLAH is good, He will always give us trials to see how much we trust in HIM.
Remember sister, that Allah is the only ONE who is permanent around us. Everything and everybody around us are not permanent. Allah is the only ONE who will be there with you and for you through all things, bad or good. He is only ONE who can forgive you and bless you. Do not become somebody else because it is a 'famous thing' to do or because you feel alone, you are never alone because Allah is always with us all. You have to believe in yourself, don't be influenced by anybody, trust in yourself and think that you are and will be fine with Allah. We are not here to enjoy around or serve ourselves alone. Do good things, help yourself and help others because we are here to serve only Allah.
In the end, when all things are lost and fading away, only Allah will be there for us all.
I don;t know about others, but I get to be worry because of post autor's silance.
She said she already tryed once to put end to this life...and...I would be really happy is she would give a sign of life..because her silance makes me to think that maybe when Allah sent her to knoc on our life's doors asking for one advice..maybe we opened that door too late...
hope I'm over reacting
nshAllah she's fine and makeing first steps for a happy life
It would help if we all can make a dua for her as well as for those who are thinking of ending their lives.
Inshallah, she's doing fine.
Good suggestion Farah, I will do so Insha'Allah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Wat wud u say to sumone who said to u if u end ur lyf wel u shud hav enough sense n grow up n no its wrong.so if u do it its ur fault. Dsnt matter wats hapnd in ur lyf.
Thankyou all for your replies. Apologies for not replying but I have been very busy as my father has just had a major operation. I have ended the illicit relationship I was in and have turned to Allah to guide me. I am feeling much better about things. Thanks all for taking the time to provide me' with such useful advice.