Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I consider his request of second marriage?


 I have written prevoiusly for advice, as I'm currently going through a difficult stage in my life and feel really confused regarding what path I should take. The situation is that the man I was with for 4 years got engaged without my knowledge, and contined a physical relathionship with me for 6 months after his engagement began. I finally came to know of his engagement when I asked him to come approach my mother for my hand in marriage, as I wanted to settle down and didn't want to continue having just a relationship. He said it would be difficult as he was already "engaged", but it wasn't an offical engagement and he had no plans to marry in the near future.

The next 5 months he said he would consider us, break off that engagement, and talk to his parents about me. Despite my efforts, he didn't change his mind and he still kept me in a relationship saying he loved me and was trying to find a way for us to be together. Although he said he spoke to his parents, I don't know how true this is as he gave me excuses as to why we should not get married. For example, he said it would be difficult for his parents to agree and it would affect his sister getting married. He even hired a girl to pretend to be his mother to speak to me.  Two weeks before his marriage, he told me that he was going abroad for his wedding and that nothing could be done as it was all planned.

 After his return, he said he realized he had made a mistake and wanted to make things right by taking me as a second wife. He said that he didn't love his wife and she was his parent's choice, and I was his choice.  He said his regret was not acting strongly for us, and he had missed me. 

I was a virgin before I met this man, and honestly believed I would end up marrying him so I commited zina with him. Because of this I found it very difficult to let go and accept the situation of him lying, treating me badly and leaving me.  I knew I should have cut all ties with him. I asked Allah to forgive me for all the wrongs I did during our relationship, however I still feel I need him in my life and cannot seem to forget and move on. I feel that after being with him, how can I be with and love another man? I have prayed and asked for forgiveness, and still can.



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11 Responses »

  1. Assalamu Alaikum sister,

    listen to your heart. You do not live for him. If it will make you miserable and unhappy then do not do it. Consider yourself. I noticed in the article you always spoke of how he feels,wants etc..what about YOU? YOU come FIRST.

    Can he afford to pay for two separate homes, cars, maintenance, children maintenance, education all the while spending equal time? lets not forget that it is against the law as well in western society so if you really are considereing it i would move to an islamic country. The laws in western countries will not protect wo women and children and the assets even with a valid will. These are all thigns to consider.

    sister, speaking of someone who is a second wife. I would never rechoose this lifestyle if i had another chance. I WOULD NEVER..but it is ultimately up to you. pray abou it.

    • Hi sister,

      you say you are a second wife, would it be possible to somone contact you for some personal advice?

      • Salaams,

        We do not allow the exchange of private contact info on this site. If you are needing advice, you can log in and submit a post of your own. In shaa Allah you will get a lot of advice from several people in this manner.

        -Amy Editor

  2. Did he actually asked you to be his second wife?

  3. Assalam alaikum Sister,

    Considering being a second wife is one thing, but putting aside the number (first, second, third or fourth), the question really is, is it wise to consider becoming this man's wife?

    From your description, I see a man who toyed with you, listened to his mommy when it came to marrying and is completely fine with that. He hired a person to pretend to be his mother--these are not actions of a man with whom most women would even want to be the FIRST wife of.

    Listen, I am not against polygamy (and we can't be either because Allah has allowed it in His infinite wisdom), but where are those men that approach women for through her wali? And sister, you continue to be in contact with him--why are doing this to yourself?

    You made a grave mistake by committing zina and now shaitaan is whispering away to you that to mend the tear in your soul that pushes you to continue with him in all conditions because this is it. IF he stepped up to the plate and did the right thing by approaching your parents and publicly (at least in the Muslim community) married you, that is one thing--but I think he has made you this offer in hopes that YOU will turn him away and say no--that way it is an easy out for him to say that you said no whereas he gave you an "offer" of marriage. If we can even call it that.

    Listen, I don't believe for a moment that he doesn't love his wife and frankly, how utterly disrespectful of him to discuss his feelings about her with you? A dignified man with more than one wife shouldn't be discussing one wife's matters with the other, let alone with a woman who has no relation with him.

    shaitaan loves to promote haram relationships and demote halal relationships. If you analyze this situation, this is exactly what has happening and proper boundaries are being ignored.

    Sister, please stop contact with him at all costs. If he is sincere about making you a second wife, nothing will stop him from doing so and approaching your wali and taking the necessary steps to make it work. You can't keep pushing your feelings of guilt to be with this onto him--I just don't see the sincerity. I fear that he will not treat you and his other wife fairly. He does not depict the characters of a man who has learnt from his mistakes, is willing to step up to speak to your father, or be able to take care of you properly. Avoid talking to him at ALL costs and do not agree to any secret Nikah. Involve your family--the pain of it is better for you than what you are putting yourself through.

    My sincere du'a for you is that you come out of this pain, forgive yourself, move on, observe proper Islamic behaviour in future and ask Allah for forgivness again and again (which we all should do on a regular basis). May Allah ease your difficulties and help you to move forward in a decision best for you, Ameen.

  4. I dont think you should be with him AT ALL.

    You need to get A GRIP AND LET GO. If he wanted you HE WOULD HAVE MARRIED YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE. Why do you want to be with someone who is a coward he PLAYED YOU LIKE A FOOL AND TRICKED YOU WITH ALL THE EXCUSES IN THE BOOK.

    You have to put yourself first this is YOUR BLESSING FROM ALLAH. Allah has showed you never to trust a man or ever be alone with a useless man that he was.


    I strongly advise you to move on and allow yourself to heal from this pain and InshAllah may Allah help you become a better stronger person out of this.

  5. Repent to allah and leave this man. You can do a lot better. How do you know he will treat you any better after marriage? What if you become trapped in this marriage as his second wife? Seriously just forget him inshallah and move on you can do so so so much better!

  6. Dear MuslimGirl88 ,

    Not sure you have posted the same problem before that too ? It seems i have heard similar story with same name muslimgirl88 in this forum .

    Please note that Zina is very big Sin in Islam and you need to do sincere Tauba and never do such act again in future .

    Allah hafiz

    • The post you remember is from the same girl and you can read it if you click the blue font MuslimGirl88 under the title at the top of the page.

  7. Assalaamualaikam

    Honestly, walk away from this guy and don't look back. He's proved himself to be unworthy of your time, let alone your love, by manipulating you, lying to you and disrespecting you.

    When we look for a spouse, we need to firstly consider their deen and their character. From what you've written, his character doesn't sound like he would be a caring and respectful husband to you (he's already lied, married someone else, disrespected you and had a pre-marital relationship with you), and that doesn't reflect well on his practice of his faith - we should strive to follow the examples set to us by The Prophet (peace be upon him) and his Companions (may Allah be pleased with them), not do the exact opposite!

    It sounds like you had already realised that your relationship and actions in committing zina were wrong, and Alhamdulillah you have already started to repent. Don't let shaitan's whispers tempt you back into sin, when you are in the process of leaving that behind. Allah is Most Merciful, so trust in His love and mercy to guide and sustain you.

    It's understandable that you still have feelings for this guy - you were in a relationship with him for years, have remained in contact with him during these months, and were sexually intimate with him. But these feelings will fade in time, inshaAllah, and you do not have to act on them. Allah is the Controller of Hearts, so trust Him that when you are ready, you will find love and happiness with a man who will feel the same for you. When that happens, make sure it's halal - there's no couple without nikah.

    Midnightmoon editor

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