Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Considering taking a secret second wife…

second wife

I am married .But early this year I met a lady & she wants to marry me. I am afraid to tell my wife . Can I marry her without informing my wife?


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  1. Assalam alaikum,

    Although you don't need your first wife's permission, you need to publicly announce your Nikaah with this woman, and your first wife would be included in the "public!"

    Polygamy is rightfully a sensitive topic. You have to be able to support both women in an equal and fair way and not be swayed with how you feel about one wife - but always be just between the two. Yesterday you found a woman that you liked, what are you going to do when this happens a third and fourth time? Are you going to marry 4? My point is, maybe you need to keep your hijaab in check by lowering your gaze. Please remember how Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) went about polygamy - none of his marriages were in secret. These days, when the topic of polygamy comes up women feel hurt and men feel it is their right - we have to remember that polygamy wasn't a band-aid solution for "I've met another woman." Would this woman you met be open to you marrying a third time? - ask her.

    When/If you have children, they will be directly affected - you need to think about them. This is simply a complex issue - depending where you live, how much you earn, how you will divide your time, how you deal with the emotions of both wives, how long have you been married,...etc. etc. This is much more than just "do I have to inform my wife?"

    Also, something to think about is why does she want to marry you? Although you haven't mentioned it, but if the both of you have a relationship that led to this - then, the both of you need to stop seeing eachother and make sincere repentance before you proceed with a Nikaah (publicly announcing your wedding).

    May Allah help you towards the best solution for you and your current wife, Ameen.

  2. kindly consider your wife's feelings before taking any decision.
    What if she has met someone early this year and he has wanted to marry her.How would have you felt then?

  3. So let me get this are too scared to tell your wife about another marriage, yet you still want to go ahead and do it? Maybe you should gain the strength and courage to tell your first wife before getting in to another marriage. Scared little men probably aren't the best candidates for plural marriages, lol. It takes a lot of strength to deal with two families, you know! If you don't even have the strength to be honest with your wife, then you really shouldn't be getting a second.

    Plus, you do realize you can't hide a 2nd wife forever, right? Sooner or later, you will have to face your 1st wife's anger and disappointment.

  4. There is no such thing as a "secret" marriage in Islam.

    A marriage entails creating a family, providing emotional and financial support. How do you intend to do that with your secret wife while also pursuit a family life with your first non-secret wife?

    The only way to manage this is by lying, hiding, and being dishonest. If your child from wife #1 needs you, and your wife #2 needs you, what are you going to tell child #1? What if secret wife gets sick and you can't be with her because wife #1 is also sick?

    what a mess this will be, and those unfortunate women caught in the middle.....

  5. you are unfaithful, you were looking here and there and then a woman comes to destroy your home. shame on her and you. may your wife do the same with you.

  6. I feel sorry for your wife for ending up with you. Why were you even meeting and developing a relationship with another woman even though you were married. Essentially you have cheated on your wife. You havent been able to treat one wife with respect yet your thinking of bringing a second wife into your life. Do you realise that by doing this you'll be hurting your wife immensely, whilst she is trusting you, you are out there having a good time with another woman!!! Either end things with the other woman and concentrate on your wife or tell your wife, who knows when she finds out she might want to leave you anyway.

  7. wow....Truly the women are in control. Where are the men??? If a man feels he wants to have another wife, why don't women support them or at least create POSITIVE DIALOGUE as opposed to all the emotional blackmail crap .Be honest with her and MAN UP BRO.

    • Because a marriage is the most emotionally mature, and emotionally vulnerable, relationship to have.

      If a man wants to "be in control" then he has to consider the impact that his actions will have on those with whom he has an intimate, emotionally-charged relationship. That includes the non-secret wife, his children from the secret and non-secret marriage, and parents from all sides.

    • I don't see you making any sense at all. The OP has been advised sincerely above based on his situation. Isn't that a POSITIVE DIALOGUE?

      • No, its not. Its always the same "don't oppress youre wife", "youre a meany" blah blah, Thats not advice. Thats the rhetoric that enslaves men to monogamy. People please learn this point, "women don't own men"

        • Why not give your own advice to the OP, so that we see a change?

          • You can only point and steer in a one dimensional enviro like this, plus most of the discourse is between people adding their 5p. I would personally advise the brother to take pro active steps to find someone to discuss this with man to man and potentially ensure that he's not creating a worse scenario than he "potentially" envisages he is in with wife number 1. there are so many variables. but my major gripe generaly is MEN "don't shy away". Women need strong men and believe me, the reason most women suffer in muslim communities is because MEN aint got the credentials in most areas (I'm not talking about macho man I'm talking about being upright and fearing God first and making tough decisions when they're called for). Im not just talking about polygamy. Im from an irish background and find it embarrassing the way things are in the muslim communities. rant over

        • Watch your language. Men are not "enslaved" to monogamy any more than women are. His obligations in Islam are to the wife he already has. If polygamy would damage their relationship for whatever reason, that is what he must take into consideration first and foremost. That is what mature, responsible, God-fearing men do.

        • Considering Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) remained in a monogamous marriage with Hazrat Khadijah for 25 years, it is extremely (and amusingly) outlandish to refer to monogamy as slavery.

          • What language???? Plus, i do believe strongly in the points I've made. I agree with your points but the reason for my strong tone is because of the suffering not because men should oppress. Having a dialogue like this is near impossible.

          • Outlandish???? Please be careful to discourage polygamy without knowing the fullness of the situation. On the point of Him knowing her again (where is having a good opinion??) It could have been through permissible avenue also isolating an understanding of the seerah to back up your opinion is odd (at best)

          • @ Abdul Hakeem
            It IS outlandish to refer to monogamy as slavery and I stand by that point. However, I think you thought I was referring to polygamy.

        • The fact that he is afraid to tell his wife indicates that he is doing something wrong. If it's necessary for him to take a second wife, then why is he afraid to approach his first wife about something that is his right? In fact, polygamy is for particular men, not for all man--if it's about ''I met a lady & she wants to marry me'', then meeting new ladies never ends. Also how could just meeting a lady makes her want to marry you, without nothing? Is it a magic?

    • I agree. Its high time men should start being a Real MAN and take on second or third wives openly as this is the right Islam has given them.

      • And I believe it's high time muslim women start practising their RIGHT to add a monogamy-clause to their marriage contract, and also their RIGHT to add a clause giving them the right to Talaq-e-tafwid. It is also high time muslim women start practising their RIGHT to refuse to become second, third or fourth wife and instead choose men of good character who lower their gaze and never look at any other woman with desire but their wife, and who believe being a good husband and father includes being present when he is off work, as these are rights Islam has given them.

        • I agree the bro should not do it secretly.

          Sahaddita, and any sisters wishing to place this condition. Please consider what you say and your conditions from the Mans point of view,

          My wife put this condition on me and it is the worst thing she did. For me and also for her.

          Let me tell you why,

          Up until very recently I had not treated her as well as I could. I treated her fine, tried to be there for her, clothed her, fed her and everything else Islam asks from the Husband, but if she refused me in bed (not often but enough to mention) I would take it very hard and really start to hate her.

          Sometimes she may have had a valid Shariah reason for refusing and sometimes she certainly did not. The one time that really annoyed me was when she was wanting to go to the gym!!

          How can she refuse me and then she wants a divorce if I take a second wife, How dare she... Is she pushing me to haram....Typical thoughts that would go through my mind. Now, I know she is sinful for this (without a valid Shari reason) even if I had 4 wives but I would be extra hard on her and difficult with her in these situations because of her condition.It does not stop there, the thoughts of resentment remain. I think that is natural for a man to think this way and your husband will do the same if that situation arises. The resentment may build up until the point where he thinks I will take a second wife anyway or maybe even just divorce you.

          Also because of her marriage condition this also makes it more difficult for her if I do tell her I want a second wife as now she is even more insecure. She knows that she put that condition so she will think that I do not love her anymore and that I want a divorce anyway. Even if this is not true she will not see it like that.

          Know, that Allah has placed this rule for a reason so taking that right away will have affects on the whole family and the natural way between relationships.

          Also from a practical point of view sisters, there is a need for this in any country whether or not polygamy is allowed. Maybe you will be on the other side of the fence one day looking to get married and hoping some Man will be there to take you as a second wife.

          But for the OP , do not do it behind her back. I do not recommend you tell her exactly when you do it, actually it is better she doesn´t know but she should know that it is your intention, and also fear Allah and he will give you a way out.

  8. Abdullah hakeem, I understand what ur saying about men being strong and making decisions etc, but the brother in this scenario has clearly deviated. He has developed a relationship with another woman whilst still being married, in other words he's had an affair and is now too much of a coward to admit this to his wife - that doesn't sound like someone who is very God fearing!!! Unless he has a genuine reason to marry this other woman but again if this was the case then he wouldn't need to hide it from his first wife !!! A real man concentrates on his wife and his current marriage, he doesn't explore other options. Polygamy is a big responsibility, and there should be a good reason for it, it's not a joke!

    • Again, too many unknowns. My advice to the brother, "go and seek advice from someone directly".

      • How many men do you know that have gone to ask for the hand of another woman from her wali, without getting involved with her first? These days polygamy usually is the answer for: what do I do now that I have met this other woman?

        I have seen plenty of these "secret" second marriages and many of them ending secretly soon after--usually why these type of men want them to be in secret in the first place. The issue isn't being against polygamy - we get it, its allowed. The point is HOW to go about it.

        As for women being in control - yeah maybe, but not always the women that the men are married to.

        • i feel like a troll so, last point. In the convert community (I'm a convert) "its a mess" No support from most mosques and very little learning or development beyond youtube etc. So i agree the "how to!!" is bad. My critical issue is that men should become responsible and upright and strong. I hate the weakness and laziness thats so prevalent in the UK. I know so many single convert women because men decided to become kids (again) and whimsically "walk away". So i understand "most' of the points made and the drivers. It is a sad state but the Buck stops with the men "socially". I encourage men to make tough/balanced decisions and not to fall into the shadows of just getting by and developing bad habits. May Allah aid us to become who we say we are. ameen, Over and out

  9. Last point (i promise) Salaam Brother Shah146 (the bro who started this off), Where the heck are you????

  10. I find it funny that people on this thread are telling you things like "what if your wife did that." My muslim brothers and sisters need to understand that it is halal for a man to have multiple wives while it is haram for a woman to have multiple husbands. So if you get a second wife it's okay but if she gets a second husband it's a sin.

    Anyways on your situation, if I were you I'd tell your first wife because if you don't tell her this will cause serious problems later on when she finds out because she will feel like you betrayed her trust by not telling her. So it's in the best interest of your household that you tell her.

    I see no reason not to tell her. You're both muslim. Another muslim woman has approached you for marriage. You want her as your second wife. If your first wife is a proper muslim she shouldn't allow her emotions to prevent you from doing what has been made halal for you.

    • There is no scholarly consensus on polygyny being allowed straight off. Some say, only to protect orphans. Others say only with consent of wife. Others say, not if polygamy is illegal where you live, because muslims must abide by the law of the land in everything that is halal (are you reading brother Abdullah Hakeem who is in the UK?)

      So men: If you love your wife, would you not want to do right by her? Be honest and true? Than worry about that first!

      And: say you love your wife more than anything. More than life. And out of the blue she takes khula, and says she can not live with you. And the first day she is divorced, she marries a really handsom guy and moves in next door to you. You still love her to bits and can't breathe without hurting for her. And every day you see her greating her new husband, kissing him and you must watch them go into their house arms around each other. You must watch her big in belly with his child. How would you feel? It is halal for her. Would you be able to stand it?? Please - before you go off on the "it's halal and we don't have to imagine what it would be like if the shoe was on the other foot" - think about that picture long and hard and imagine what you would feel like. And, imagine having to be allowed your wife back every other week and then having to let her go back to the man next door... It's allowed is not the same thing as it's the right thing to do.

      • Very well said!

      • All the Sunni Madhabs including the School of Jafaar as Sadiq say it is permissible (this establishes consensus is traditional Islamic Law? Who says its impermissible Sahaddita? Conditions Vary (agreed) but permissiblity? I never heard that before (I'm quoting from the classic book of variances (Al-Arba by Al-Jaziri)

        • Many scholars say it is obligtory for muslims to abide by the law of the land in everything that is not haram. It is not permissible for a muslim to break the law where he chooses to reside. See e.g. and Not taking a second wife is not haram.

          It is easy to disregard the question about what it would feel like if your beloved wife suddenly left you and married the hunk next door. It is not as easy for a wife to disregard when her husband suddenly says he will take, or has taken, a new wife. It is permissible to have sex with your slave. Would anybody wish to have a slave and have sex with her? No. Because there sometimes is a difference between restricted permissibility, and what is good in the life of ordinary people.

          • As I strongly believe that polygamy is not a joke, and that it needs to be necessarily while fulfilling its conditions, however, I disagree with the justification that the man lives in a land that regards polygamy as illegal. There are certain situations where polygamy becomes an obligation upon the husband, just like marriage could become an obligation upon certain people in special situations. Therefore if we assumed that polygamy has become an obligation upon the husband but he resides in a land where polygamy is illegal, wouldn't the law of that land be going against something that is obligation upon the husband islamically? This would mean oppressing the husband and depriving him from his right, and going against an obligatory Islamic law.

            This is why I think we should always discuss this matter based on individual situations, and compare each situation to the conditions set by the Holy Quran and Sunnah. Trying to justify against polygamy by bringing up laws of other lands doesn't help at all.

          • Issah, interesting point. I would like to know when is it a sharia obligation/obligatory for a man to be polygamous?

          • The situations that make marriage a sharia obligatory upon a person, are mostly the same situations that make polygamy a sharia obligatory upon a person, however, up to 4 is allowed--each situation will depend on individuals and capabilities. However in other cases, marriage or polygamy does not become a sharia obligatory upon a person, but rather becomes either sunnah, mustahab (recommended), mubah (permissible) , makruh (disliked), or haram (prohibited).

          • Brother Issah, kindly I do not understand. I find many scholars who say polygamy is NOT compulsory. I find no scholar who says polygamy is compulsory. Could you please refer me to such proof from scholars? Or from the Noble Quran?

          • Just like marriage isn't compulsory essentially, polygamy is as well not compulsory essentially. Therefore one needs to understand the main reason that could make marriage compulsory. If a man fears upon himself while he is capable of marrying, and he knows he really can't help it without marriage, then marriage becomes compulsory on him. If the man is the type that can't be with only one woman, or if there is a real issue from the side of first wife which prevents her from fulfilling his right, and he fears on himself, then polygamy becomes compulsory upon him if he is not divorcing the first wife. The main reason is the ''real fear'' that could lead to zina--and according to meaning of a principle of sharia, ''the ruling is attached to its main reason wherever found, and the ruling can't be applied where the main reason is not found''.



            His eminence our shiekh, role model of the world, Dr. 'Abdul-Hayyi Yusuf.
            AsSalamu 'alaikum warahmatullah

            Few days ago, an issue was raised between us and a group of students: When does polygamy becomes obligatory?


            Praise be to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon the most honorable of the messengers, upon his household, and companions all together, wa 'alaikum as-salaam warahmatullahi wabarakaatuh.

            The basic (sharia) principle regarding polygamy is that it's mubah (permissible), however, it could become obligatory if one wife is not sufficient for the person, and he fears upon himself to fall into zina if he didn't take a second wife. This is because avoiding zina is obligatory. If this obligation can't be avoided without polygamy, then it has become an obligatory; because (a sharia principle says) anything that an obligatory deed can't be fulfilled except by it, is itself an obligatory. And Allah The Most High Knows best.


          • Translation correction:

            His eminence our shiekh, role model and Alim, Dr. 'Abdul-Hayyi Yusuf.

          • Question:

            His eminence our shiekh, role model and the Alim, Dr. 'Abdul-Hayyi Yusuf.
            AsSalamu 'alaikum warahmatullah

            Few days ago, an issue was raised between us and a group of students: When does polygamy becomes obligatory?


            Praise be to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon the most honorable of the messengers, upon his household, and companions all together, wa 'alaikum as-salaam warahmatullahi wabarakaatuh.

            The basic (sharia) principle regarding polygamy is that it's mubah (permissible), however, it could become obligatory if one wife is not sufficient for the person, and he fears upon himself to fall into zina if he didn't take a second wife. This is because avoiding zina is obligatory. If this obligation can't be achieved except with polygamy, then it (i.e. polygamy) has become an obligatory; because (a sharia principle says) anything that an obligatory can't be fulfilled except by it, is itself an obligatory. And Allah The Most High Knows best.


        • Thank you Issah for the clarification. So this sheik means that a man can make polygamy compulsory on himself. If he can not control his sexual lust and if he does not divorce and if can not control his morality and abstain from zina - then it is compulsory. I am sorry but this is laughable. It is the same as saying that if a man has a car but schooses instead to walk to work through a snakepit and then a cobra lungs out at him to the right and he escapes the bite by standing on one leg on his toes means it is compulsory to stand on one leg on your toes. Especially if you have any fear for snakes. :)Simply, there is nothing in the world that could not be viewed as compulsory if that logic were used.

          It is compulsory for a man not to look at any woman who is not in mahram relation. So no man should ever feel lust for a woman if he not is sinning. So he should never fear zina.

          Polygamy is an option. A restricted option. To make it "compulsory" by being weak, breaking the compulsory demand of lowering gaze and by having haram lustful thoughts is to me, I'm sorry, very typical male. If women say e.g. that most women will sometime be bored and unromantic with their husband and then they will have romantic fantasy about another man and that gives fear of zina and that makes it compulsory to ask for khula and marry another man - would you say that is also an example of compulsory? No of course not. But it is the same.

          • Sahaddita, what is more laughable is the way you twisted the sharia ruling to make it suite your worldly reasoning. I also could go with you logically and use your own reasoning against you, but I need to know whether you are aware of the ruling regarding marriage. When does marriage become permissible or compulsory on a person?

          • Furthermore, it always takes more than the male party to decide if a marriage is even happening in the first place. What if a man with a very high sexual drive can't even find one woman, let alone multiple women, who wants to marry him? Then what options does such man have other than controling his lusts? He can't exactly make zina/prostitution halal on himself, can he now? 🙂

            Humanbeings CAN control themselves, emotionally and physically (unless they obviously have some sort of mental handicap, illness or likewise). And especially if they have to and want to. Some just choose to kid themselves in to believing they are very weak emotionally and/or physcially, and accept to be slaves to their emotions and desires.

            I find it funny women are constantly lashed for being "too emotional" and "too wrapped up and driven by emotional bullshit and blackmail" - yet, no one is saying the same thing about men who are "too weak sexually" and "too wrapped up and driven by sex". Why is it more acceptable to be a slave to your sexuality than it is to be a slave to your emotions? Emotions are being labelled as something irrational, negative and pointless - especially when they come from a woman. Because when emotional outbursts come from men, there's usually always a logical explanation for them - and a lot of times, the woman gets the blame for the man's emotional reaction. But when emotions come from a woman, emotions are something that is disruptive, appears for no logical reason (by no means is it the man's fault) and that should be repressed in order to not bother, hassle or annoy the man to the point of aggression and anger. Human sexuality, especially male sexuality, isn't regarded in the same way at all: it's, on the contarary, regarded as something very natural and a human right, and something especially men shouldn't repress - rather, a man can declare himself too lustful to be able to control his frame of mind, body, decisions and actions, and give himself the right to gain up to 4 'objects' to release his desires through.

            If women are asked to deny something that is hugely and naturally a part of them - their emotion and emotional nature - then it's only fair to ask of men to do the same: to deny their sexual drive and sexual nature. If women are expected to be capable to control themselves, then men should be met with the same standard: they, too, should be able to control themselves.

            By the way, I'm NOT of the opinion that men and women are the same, nor that they should be - NOR that one gender is above the other in value and worth. On the contrary, I recognize the differences between men and woman and believe in being sensitive, considerate and understanding to the natures of the genders. It isn't just women who need to understand men and be considerate to their sexual nature, but men should also understand women and be considerate to women's emotional nature. It's selfish and greedy to want to be able to do your thing, and be able to practice what comes naturally to YOU, but your partner's needs and desires are of no importance to you whatsoever. Honestly, selfish people should think twice about getting married and causing stress and misery to another humanbeing.

          • Point number 1:

            I was not generalizing that polygamy is compulsory in all situations. Therefore, I’d be glad if you all reconsider my main point before mixing up my point with irrelevant situations. Please show me at least, some sincerity here, so that we all benefit from a knowledge of our deen--don’t make it look like I was saying polygamy is generally compulsory regardless... Allah is watching our intentions, you know?!

            Of course, I could be on the same page with you when it comes to situations in which polygamy is merely permissible and not compulsory--therefore I wouldn't want to believe that you were actually mixing up different situations here deliberately.

            Point number 2:

            Allah is The Only One Who created both men and women, and He is very well aware of what is within each person—no one among us can claim by logic that they know themselves better than Allah. He Allah, The Most High is The Most Wise, and His judgment is fair and complete, as He also knows that the level of sexual desire in a male is equivalent to the level of a four times sexual desire in a female, and therefore He made it permissible for a man to marry up to four, and a woman to marry only one.

            However, men are categorized into five groups:

            1. A Man who can be without women his entire life.
            2. A Man who can be with only one woman.
            3. A Man who can be with only two women.
            4. A Man who can be with only three women.
            5. A Man who can be with only four women.
            6. A Man who desires more than 4 women.

            Women are also categorized in to three groups:

            1. A woman who can be without men her entire life.
            2. A woman who can be with only one man.
            3. A woman who desires more than one man.

            The woman number ''3'' is the same as the man number ''6''. Therefore the same level of test is upon each one of them, and Allah knows that each one of them can really be patient and manage whatever they have if they really try hard.

            Just as the woman number ''1'' can be without men her entire life, the man number ''1'' can also be without women his entire life.

            When we come to the situation for women number ''2'', the ruling regarding them is that marriage is compulsory on them if there is a chance of getting married and they fear falling into zina—same ruling is applied for men number ''2'', ''3'', ''4'', and ''5''.

            Hope things are clear for you now, inshaAllah, and Allah Knows best.

          • That is correct - polygamy is permissible, it is neither encouraged or nor compulsory. Furthermore, it was not introduced into Islam by the Prophet PBUH to satisfy the lusts of men who "cannot" be with only one woman -- we are human beings, not animals, we are able to control our desires as difficult as that may be -- the permissibility was introduced in a time when there were many war widows who needed male protection and support.

          • @Precious Star,

            Why are you so obsessed with the man's situation, rather than the woman's situation? Was marriage introduced by the Prophet (sallallahu 'alaihi wasallam) to satisfy women's lusts and desires when they can’t live without marriage? Why does marriage become compulsory upon a woman that can't control her lusts and desires, while in a situation where she could easily get married?

            Also, the justification that the permissibility of polygamy was introduced in a time when there were many war widows who needed male protection and support is not correct--there is no proof to that. Polygamy was practiced before Islam, and by the messengers (sallallahu 'alaihim wasallam) before Islam, and even by non-Muslims before Islam. This indicates that, polygamy was naturally understood by human in history, however, Islam came to restrict it to only ''four'' in order to avoid exceeding the limits that men could handle, as it also came to encourage it at the times of war.

            If a woman doesn’t want to be in a polygamous marriage, then she has the right to request this by contract during the marriage contract--Islam gave her this right. Therefore there is no need to be shouting about why polygamy could be allowed for some men.

        • Assalam alaikum,

          Reading through Br. Issah's numerous responses both on this topic and others, I believe he holds very balanced views, maa shaa Allah, and he would be the last one to support men, just for the sake of them being men. Knowing this, I don't think, as women, we can deny that polygamy is allowed--we can't cast this option aside or pretend that it never existed. It has existed both in the folds of Islam and outside of it. Islam simply put restrictions on how it was supposed to happen.

          Yes, there are polygamous marriages that have become a mess--but so have monogamous ones too.

          Yes, there are men who abuse polygamy, but why do women knowingly, in those polygamous relationships, not refuse special treatment over another wife? For example, this woman who wants to marry this man, I would like to ask her, why she would prefer to be a secret wife--and would she be comfortable with her husband taking a third? If the answer is no to the third wife, but yes to polygamy, it leads me wonder why she is entering into a polygamous marriage. If women object to unequal treatment, part of this struggle calls for women to not accept preferential treatment over another wife.

          Yes, sometimes polygamy is the answer--and sometimes it isn't. Some of you have probably witnessed, maybe not many, but one or a few successful polygamous marriages--the problem becomes when we see far more abuse of polygamy, like Sr. Haydee's account below--when such a sister becomes the poster wife for polygamy, it hurts to hear it. It makes us think. I recall a distant relative married a widow as a 2nd wife--both were over 50, simply because she had no children from her first marriage and also had no mahram--can we see the need for polygamy here? I don't know why another single man around her age didn't marry her - but, I know that I respect the man who married her and didn't leave her alone.

          Perhaps what women struggle with the most, is that when are confused about the structure of polygamy, like the OP, who is afraid of speaking to his wife and uses words like "secret", it makes women queezy, because, this man, who is supposed to be the head of the household, the backbone, doesn't know how to go about something so serious like multiple marriages--If a man, isn't afraid of the baggage and relationship that comes with polygamy and knows how to make his wife feel safe and secure, keeps each relationship private, doesn't compare wives, and strives for balance again and again, at least, it would contribute to mental peace in the wife's mind.

          Anyways, I neither advocate for or against polygamy - because more often than not, we don't know the full details of people's lives. So rather than outright negating the existence of polygamy, we can steer our conversation and focus on what is best (like balance, love, care and justice) in a particular situation

          And Allah knows best.

          • Jazaki-Allahu khair al-Jaza sister Saba for understanding my points. I sincerely appreciate that, and I agree with your points too, mashaAllah.

    • Entering polygamy takes more than being inspired by meeting a woman who wants to marry you and being a man. So, if another woman approaches him, he should marry her too, until he reaches 4? What will happen when the 5th woman approaches him for marriage? Perhaps he should think about how this came about? Is the answer to every meeting, marriage? Is this man, who is afraid to speak to his current wife, the best candidate for polygamy?

      A man can't cast aside the feelings/emotions of his wife. First, we say that women can't do this or that because they are emotional beings and their roles are dependent on what they can handle--and now, on the other hand, we say, her emotions shouldn't prevent him from entering a second marriage. Perhaps, you can explain, what she should do with emotions, that are a part of her?

      I would urge the OP to reconsider because if the reason for pursuing this marriage is not based on a solid reason - and based on meeting this woman, who is to say that tomorrow your feelings with fade and you will seek a way out of this "secret second marriage." There has to be balance in every aspect of how you deal with both wives,both households, expenses, children, time and so on and so on. Also, since your first wife is known to the public as your wife, your second wife, by default, also deserves the same.

      Please read:

      Al-Quran [4:3]
      "And if you fear that you cannot act equitably towards orphans, then do not marry their mothers. Instead, marry other women; believing women or captives from your right hand; two or three or four. But if you fear you cannot do justice between them, then marry only one. This is better for you than to deviate from the right course. "

      It is NOT better for a man to marry more than one woman for whom he will NOT be able to uphold justice--therefore, those who claim that you (OP) may move forward and marry this woman, with no second thought, but based solely on your right as a man, are leaving out important factors in this conversation.

      Al-Quran [4:129]
      "And you will never be able to be equal [in feeling] between wives, even if you should strive [to do so]. So do not incline completely [toward one] and leave another hanging. And if you amend [your affairs] and fear Allah - then indeed, Allah is ever Forgiving and Merciful."

      Since, it is next to impossible to be just, at least, if you are going to enter a second marriage, you should strive to be just right from the beginning by thinking through very carefully how this can be achieved.

      Please read: which says the following
      It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever has two wives and favours one of them over the other, will come on the Day of Resurrection with one of his sides leaning.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (1141), Abu Dawood (2133), al-Nasaa’i (3942) and Ibn Majaah (1969). Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Targheeb wa’l-Tarheeb (no. 1949).

      Shaykh al-Mubaarakfoori (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

      Al-Teebi said in his commentary on the words “with one of his sides leaning”, i.e., tilting. And it was said that this will be in such a way that all the people on the Day of Resurrection will see him, so this will increase his punishment.

      Tuhfat al-Ahwadhi (4/248).

      Sister Sahaddita has already touched on polygamy practiced in non-Muslim countries - so remember, in a land where this is not allowed, there are different ways people approach polygamy. We don't know where you (OP) live - so kindly, seek the help of a scholar and think deeply on this decision and do not make it in haste.

      May Allah help you towards the best decision, Ameen.

  11. Assalaamualaikam

    One of the requirements for polygamy is that a man is just and equal with his wives, and if he cannot do this or fears he would not be able to, then he shouldn't enter into polygamy.

    I think it's important for you to consider what your motivations are for entering into this, and for not telling your first wife - based on the information you've provided, we don't know what these are, so any comment we made on these would be speculation.

    Part of the process of getting married is publicising the union, so that it isn't a secret. Realistically, this means your first wife would find out anyway. Plus, lying and deceiving someone close to you is unjust and against Islamic teachings.

    I'd advise that you think about why you want to marry this other woman, and if you conclude that your motivations are sound Islamically, then discuss the matter with your wife and with the wali of this other woman. Your wife might well be upset at the prospect of being in a polygamous relationship, but would almost certainly rather know from the start than be deceived and find out later. By involving her in the process, you could inshaAllah establish ground rules and an understanding of how the relationship dynamics would work, and if your wife does not wish to be in a polygamous relationship then she can make her position clear.

    If you decide to proceed, it's important to make sure Islamic limits are respected, and to go through the proper channels with any proposal. The other woman's wali may have concerns about how the relationship would work if she would be a secret second wife. If you can reassure him that you have discussed the issue with your wife and established a basic understanding of how things would work, that might go a long way towards putting his mind at rest.

    Before making any decision, pray istikhara and make sure you have repented for any transgressions that have occurred. May Allah guide you and your wife.

    Midnightmoon editor

  12. My very last point (promise) It is ONLY for certain types of people and very very hard from what I've seen "to manage" No hard feelings anyone, don't take these points in emotional way, we are all on the same team, Salaam AH

    • salam
      my husband get married 4x ,one after the other,while married to me. he get married then divorce then married again and its 4 marriage altogether.I compromise with polygamy eventhough its hard and my husband is not a just man.he hurt me a lot of times but kept on forgiving him and he constantly calling me bitch,idiot,skunk,prostitute any name that he cud think of.i am Filipino and he was Moroccan british born. I keep on hoping that he would change one day and will be happily be with me but it didn't happen and maybe wil never happen. brother you should tell your wife and not keep it as a secret ,give her choice.theres no sin for a women if they cant stay in polygamous marriage.Allah swt wont burden a soul of a person what they cant thinking of asking a divorce but at the same time im a bit of stuck as we have 4 young kids.i pray 5x ,wear abaya and niqab and trying my best to be a good wife and a good mother to his kids.i do all the house chores and share whatever I have to provide our needs.i don't have no one in this country that's why I feel like I might aswell stay with him eventhough I am not happy at all.all the wife that he married to don't even try their best to be a good muslim.respect you wife brother by telling her about ur plan on getting a 2nd wife.

      • Haydeei I am very sad for your situation and that you feel you are stuck with a husban that calls you horrible names. I understand the feeling as I was married to a bad and neglectful man and in a foreign country but I finaly got out. I hope you can get out as well. If you stay with this abusive husband it will kill your soul and heart!!! You deserve better then this and its better to be alone I believe then treated like trash and called names. May Allah help you sister!

  13. I strongly feel that a woman should have a right to divorce a husband that decides to take a second or third ,fourth wife. What I feel is unjust is that some scholars seem to believe women have no rights at all, and she does not even have the right of divorce and that she is stuck with a man who marries other women. It should not be a secret and she has a right to a choose to get out of the marriage if her husband wants more women!!! A woman is not a slave and she should be able to choose the course of her life and have some power over her life. She is not a weak little think, incapable of intelligence the way some women are treated in Islam. If a man has a right to marry other women, a woman at least has a right to divorce that man.

    • A woman is allowed to ask for divorce by khul'a whenever she wants. This is approved by many ahaadith and accepted by all scholars. I haven't seen or heard anyone going against this.

  14. Please please please don't take a second wife if she's going to be a secret, it's cruel and unfair to both women.
    I married my husband in secret, although l did try to get him to tell his first wife, but he gave reasons why he couldn't, which seemed legitimate as l was not a Muslim at the time and knew nothing about Islam.
    The pain caused to all concerned is not something l would wish on anyone. It's acceptable to marry more than one woman in lslam, but l really believe it has to be done openly, and the man has to have the courage to tell his first wife the truth. Because if its not done properly, one, or both wives will not be getting equal treatment, and it's more than likely to be the second wife who is badly neglected so as not to reveal the secret. So before marrying secretly, coincider how you are going to keep Allah's command of treating these women fairly and kindly.

    • Polygony definitely is not a joke, especially when your the wife who is more or less forgotten, not given equal and fair treatment and your taken for granted and only see your "husband" when it fits in with his first wife and his plans.
      It's the most heartbreaking feeling to be in a marriage where your left feeling neither married or unmarried. It leaves you feeling worthless, unlovable, ugly, lacking in self respect and lonelier than you've ever felt in your life.
      Polygony is a big decision, it should be talked about between all those involved, not something to be looked at as a joke, or something you do on a whim, because women have feelings as well as men, and if you fear Allah, do it properly, and with dignity, because every tear your wives shed because of your bad treatment will be known to Allah, and Allah is very just and fair with his punishment

  15. I just have one question which I want to clarify. I always thought that you needed the first wife's permission to take a second wife? And subsequently of all your wives if you wish to marry more than twice? Is that not correct? Please tell me what is the right thing...

    • It is not needed but highly recommended especially these days when it is not so common.

      The Prophet (peace be upon him) once got married without any of his other wives knowing until he returned to Madinah.

      He did not keep it a secret and also it was something normal at that time so understand the scenario.

      So do discuss it, but you do not need her consent.

      And yes Women can get Khula if they really cannot live with it but know that it is very bad to seek Khula without a good reason. So instead of putting the condition of divorce if he remarries be satisfied that you can get out if you really cannot handle it.

      It has many benefits for the woman also.

  16. You behaviour comes across as cowardly, deceptive, treacherous and extreme selfish. I feel sorry for your wife and for your children, may God help them. That is the worst kind of husband..

  17. Would our muslim men please consider all of the sunnats and not just the one of taking another and another woman.
    If you have feelings for another woman then FASTING is the answer. Unless you have to help another woman out of a real predicament. Or your current wife is really and truly, now after a few kids and helped you up the ladder....became so unattractive and not lovable....or refused to sleep with you a few times. Maybe you were just not smelling so good or looking your best to make her want you too. Most of the muslim women know exactly what is the conditions for a second marriage....But....some of our muslim men have NO idea....because their brain doesnt think further then what they see.

    I wish I could stop the tears from so many 1st wives.

  18. what if the next year another woman want to marry you .......will you marry third time .

    and what if 4th woman in next year want to marry you .....will you marry 4th time.

    get some life man .....have some maturity. don't make a fool out of yourself.

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