Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m confused, did we commit zina?

I found some things on his mobile phoneas salaam alaikum wa rehmatulla wa baraktu hu.

plz help me bro n sis im in deep trouble. my situation is very confusing.

ok i met this girl online we both are muslims but  it's a long distance relationship. and she is quite younger to me. now there is no way possible for our marriage [cant tell the reason].

now we used to chat every day thru mobile. we both love each other a lot. now one day i dont know what got into me i told her i wanna have phone s*x with you and if u dont do i will leave you [yes i blackmailed her]. and we did  s*x in chat. but now im confused did we commited zina or no?

plz help we both wana repent this we can do anything. plz give any dua or a way so we can ask for forgiveness.

plz help me, we are really feeling guilty plz help

- tallu

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28 Responses »

  1. W.salaam wrwb.
    A few questions, not to be harsh but..
    Why are you 'seeing' someone who you cannot possibly marry. Even if you 'love' one another of course its haraam and its going nowhere. One day you'll both have to part ways and the longer you stay together the painful it will be thats why its better to get out now. And trust me even if she hates ending it now, later on she will see that its the best.

    You said you love this girl but you also said that you 'blackmailed' to have phone s*x. This is not the sort of thing you do to someone you love. You never pressure.Actually it was a pretty nasty to do. Make tawbah. Real love is based on mercy, respect and understanding (between a husband and wife.) Often we feel like we love someone bt this is just lust or infactuation (desire, or in love with the idea of love.) This may be what you are feeling. Nevertheless, if this 'love' leads you to sin, its bad.

    How would you feel if this is your sister? You would want her to Marry the guy right? You would want him to respect her and not talk to her like that? Allah has given us sex as a means of enjoyment between a husband and wife. Its a 'gift.' But with this gift, the hubby and wife both have rights. SubhanAllah. Islam teaches us respect, we dont just 'give ourselves away,' its with a 'life partner.' What Im trying to say is these limits are here for a reason. I have heard the phrase. 'Marry or keep away.'

    In answer to your question, yes this is a form of zina, as anything which leads to zina of the private parts is zina.

    Abu Hurayah reported that Allah's Messenger said:

    "A son of Adam's share of zina has been predestined for him, and he will inevitably fulfill that. Thus the eyes commit zina by looking, the ears commit zina by listening, the tongue commits zina by speaking, the mouth commits zina by kissing, the hands commits zina by acting (or touching) the foot commits zina by walking (toward the sin) the soul (or heart) wishes and desires (the sin) and the private part confirms all of that or desires it"
    (Reported by al-Bukhari and Muslim).

    Don't despair though brother, remember Allah is Ar Rahman, the Merciful.
    Allāh the Almighty said: O Son of Ādam, so long as you call upon Me and ask of Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O son of Ādam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask for forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you; O son of Ādam, were you to come to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth and were you then to face Me, ascribing no partner to Me, I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great as it. (Tirmidhī) (Hadīth Qudsī)

    You must both make sincere tawbah/ repentance for what you've done.
    1. Leaving the sin;
    2. Remorse over having committed the sin;
    3. Resolve never to return to the sin;

    Ask Allah for forgiveness sincerely and vow to change. Brother even talking with her on the phone is not allowed islamically, as a means of protection from zina. You have seen how one thing leads to another now. As Muslims we are often deluded into thinking - "oh its ok, we are only chatting." But its not! (I thought this for years astaghfirullah)
    "And come not near to unlawful sexual intercourse. Verily, it is a faahishah (a great sin) and an evil way." (Sura Al-Israa # 17 ayah # 32)

    So you need to end this 'relationship', it doesnt matter that its online it still is disobedience to Allah. I know that it will be difficult/painful but if you give up sin for sake of Allah, you will be rewarded abundantly. Dont persist in it! Tell her that you both need to make tawbah, and stop this relationship as its wrong. Over time, no matter how you feel now, you will move on. Fear Allah, He has given us limits to protect us, He created us, and knows whats best for us.

    This would be the best opportunity to mend your relationship with Allah (swt). Do you pray 5x a day. If not, start praying. Read Qur'an. Learn Allah names. If you were not previously practicing dont jump in the deep end and do everything 1 day (a lot of people that do this give up after a few days.) Do some each day and build up. (3815) Narrated 'Aisha: The Prophet was asked, "What deeds are loved most by Allah?" He said, "The most regular constant deeds even though they may be few." He added, 'Don't take upon yourselves, except the deeds which are within your ability." (Book #76, Hadith #472) So focus on the obligatory and try and build up the others. Night prayers are very good for strengthening your emaan. I pray that Allah swt makes it easy for you and for her and accepts your repentance.

    Time heals all wounds

    • I completely agree with SRMuslimah's excellent advice. You should not have gotten involved with this girl at all, and your behavior with her was abominable. You must make a sincere tawbah, end your relationship with her, and in the future do not get involved in a relationship with a woman in this way.

      Wael Editor

    • Assalam.o.alaikum today I want to get all of your advice because I you all have more knowledge about Islam then me because I am not too much religion and I don't know about different facts and rules of Islam now I am sharing my own story with you plZZ help me what I have to do .......
      I met wd my cousin after a long tym he proposed me n indirectly I say yes to him thn we started talking n sharing the feelings I was at his home that tym we all his younger brother and sister me n he sleep in the same room one night when we were sleeping he snd me a message on my mobile that he wanted to hold my hand once I disagree thn I gave him my hand n he kissed on my hand n take it into his mouth then slowly slowly next night he try touch my shoulder when his brother n sister go to sleep he promised me to marry me that's why I don't refuse him to do all this then one night he show me his penis touch my chest insisted me to show my body parts n I did so. ........ now his parents are not agree on our marriage he said that all that we have do was not zina it's a sin if I prayed to Allah he'll forgive me but zina is a kabirah gunah which will not be forgiven I've here that
      Now uh plzzzz tell me is it zina??? What I can do to get rid of this sin plzzzz tell me em so worried

      • I also want to know the answer cause I also committed the same with a boy whom I was in love and he cheated on me but the only difference is we didn't do it physically we just did it online

  2. Dear Tallu

    I agree with the above post. Secondly if you are not going to marry her why are you continuing to have a relationship with her. Why you leading her on? Why don’t you ask yourself what you really want and if you want to marry her and really love her then go through the right channels in asking for her hand in marriage? If you don’t see her as your wife then you must tell her the truth and real love isn’t about blackmailing each other it’s about having respect which I think you crossed the limits here. Make tawbh and allah guide you to the right path.

    • I m a married woman had a tough life gt married at a age of 19.married life is full of ups n downs n i was nt physically satisfied with my husband as he is 12 yrs older to me. He doesn't satisfy me the way i want. I met online fell in love n i used to do ph sex voice sex. Exchange pics of private parts. But now i stepped back as i fear Allah. Is it a reaal zina. I stepped back because of Allah n my betterment will Allah will forgive me ..

      Never met him or did video call but did voice sex only fr 25 times i guess

  3. This is understand there is more to accomplish in life than just jerking off in front of a webcam on a girl than a relationship that will not contribute anything to you or the society but rather just satisfy your lust. This story is so pathetic that I feel ashamed to formulate and "Islamic" solution to it. What a shame

  4. Asslam O Alaikum all brothers and sisters:)-

    Excellent advice from all of you.

    @Brother Jamil:)-

    Brother, first of all your comments are quite harsh honestly. All of us or most of us commit sins and no one is perfect. If brother didn't felt ashamed of his actions or didn't want sincere help then he would never have posted this question rather he would have carried on with what he was doing. Read sister "SRMuslimah's" post and then see what I am talking about. I have never seen Editors of this site like Sister Z or brother Wael getting angry. They are the one's spending a lot of time finding the answers to the problems of other Muslim brothers and sisters in the Light of Quran, Sunnah and Hadith:)- So, brother, if you have never been in a situation like this or have never committed any sins then that's god for you but always careful with your words because once they are out they cannot be taken back. And you will agree that sometimes our words can hurt people deeply and it might take them quite a lot of time to heal from those wounds.
    May Allah bless us all and help us stay strong in our faith and fight these worldly temptations, traps of satin (Amin)
    Wasalm MKS1982:)-

    • Ameen. MashaAllah well said. Harshness just drives people away.

    • Selam

      I understand what you mean bro. I am not saying I never committed sins. In fact I have. But alhamdulillah I always respected the integrity of my religion. When a Muslim has low sexual morals it really damages the integrity of the religion. Because s/he represents Islam by being a Muslim and at the same time associates immorality with it. If a non-muslim sees this, there is a good reason why they would say the muslims of today are just as skank as us.

      I think I said the truth in my comment. Inshaallah I did. Its a truth that this story is pathetic. Its a truth that this story is a shame. Its a truth that the questioner's actions do not contribute anything to the sociiety or himself. And the Questioner should know that. I was not harsh, there is no reason to address an issue regarding an immoral action with love. The Quran describes alot of stories regarding immorality and it does not address them in a rosy way as you suggest. Why? Because the truth regarding any issue is very clear. And if people can't accept the truth in its clarity, it represents a character called arrogance. And Arrogance does not benefit any community let alone muslims. And its better if people of Arrogance are not part of our community unless they change their arrogant character. And if they do change their arrogant character; they will accept the truth in its clarity you see.

      So addressing an issue in a rosy way does bring people to your side. Not because of what you say. But because of the fact that you are being rosy. I am not justifying being rude, but if people come to Islam because you are rosy and not because of the truth you say, That is kinda sad and does not serve what Islam is for.

      See how Allah talks to us in the Quran and see how the Prophet spoke. And that is they way we should talk when conveying a message. I give myself that advice because i think should have avoided saying one word in my earlier comment.

      May Allah bless us all, and guide us to the truth. And keep us away from bigotry and arrogance. Ameen

    • A very good response . I believe not to judge people . People may change , Allah is the ultimate judge . 😀 Allah is very merciful . And yes we never run from committing mistakes whether small or big 😀

  5. Salaam,
    I'm sorry but I disagree..some people react to kind words and some to harsh words. I didn't flinch to the extremely long email the sister posted however felt disgust , shame and understood the sense in jamil short but to the point reply. Sinning for nothing other than powerful is that. Jazak bro

  6. Assalamu Alailkum,. as SRMuslimah said that it is a zina if they do phone s*x ,, the should they be stoned to death? i am confused about this fact that when should two person be stoned to death?- only if they commit sexual intercourse or if they do anything that can lead to zina?

    • Mahmudul, stoning is the prescribed punishment for adultery (zinaa between married people) when there are at least four witnesses who witness the actual act of sexual penetration; or when the person confesses freely. These circumstances are almost nonexistent - and as such stoning would be an extremely rare event in any Islamic state. There is no hadd punishment for acts that may lead to zinaa, such as phone conversations.

      Wael Editor

  7. So does it mean that if there is no penetration then they shouldn't be stoned even if they touched each other?

  8. Asalam 0 alikum all brothers and sister...
    I would like to ask one question from muslimah or who ever can help me with this.
    My question is :
    We are engaged and we are in a long distance relationship..and we love each other alotz from our childhood. And we even do phonesex sometimes. So both of us really wanted to know dose it counts in zina.
    Plz help me with this .

  9. Just wanted to know if reading novels that have sexual content falls under any category of zinaa.

  10. Brother.You have been given a life to enjoy yourself with, but not in a negative way avoid sitting with bad people purify yourself. And In Sha Allah youll live life the way you should.

  11. I have a question.....I was in a relationship earlier with a non-Muslim but as soon as I got to know that it's zina I talked to my partner that I can't continue this because its against my religion's principles...he respects this decision and said that after college he'll become a Muslim and then we'll have my question is can we both for the time being just chat in the sense...write notes like how the day passed...there will be no haram talks....can we??

    • If he truly believed in Islam and was willing to convert from his heart, he would do it now. And if he's not doing it from his heart but only to marry you, then marrying him is a bad idea, because he will not be firm in his faith, and might not practice it at all. He might even leave it. I have seen this myself, where a man converts only to marry a woman, but he doesn't really believe in Islam and ends up leaving it.

      Wael Editor

  12. after nikah we can do zina

  13. Assalamu Alaikum...I met this girl in high school and we fell instantly for each other. We haven't done anything at all, except just hang around together and chat about the future n stuff like that...we are in a relationship....but not in a sexual one....not even close to a sexual one....we are aware of the consequences as we're both Muslims....what's my situation here?

  14. Asslamu alaikum,

    i am in a relationship for 4 years now, we kept our relationship very pure, we are in a long distance relationship since 2 years still we manage and pray together. In this span, we did control our urges but once or twice, we talked something we shouldn't, we talked about kissing each other an so.... but nothing about our private parts. and won't.... so my question is did we commit any zina by talking? is talking haraam?.... we gonna marry in next 6 months.

  15. I belong to india. I did the cam sex with a women on fb .i feel really sorry about this .i also tried that I didn't this thing but I did.i want to know is it equal to Zina

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