Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Forced marriage

Forced marriage poster for people in the UK

Assalamu'alaikum,

I am currently in a dilemma. My parents want me to get married to this guy they think is perfect for me. But I don't like him and I don't think I'll be happy if I got married to him. Everyone in my family tells me this proposal is the best I can ever get and I won't find anyone if I rejected it and won't ever be as happy as I could be if I accepted it. Now I've rejected the proposal a few days ago and my mom won't talk to me anymore. She thinks it was the best I could have ever had and that they only wanted me to have the best life. And I understand that. But I am only 21 and I still have my whole life left to think about marriage, if Allah lets me live long enough for that. I really don't wanna deal with this right now. It has practically become hard to even live with my mom under the same roof. She treats me so differently now, bringing up the matter every chance she gets, not knowing how her behaviour is tearing me up. I don't know what to do. Was rejecting the right thing to do? What should I do? Will I ever get a husband in the future? Only Allah knows.

Any advice from anyone would be comforting.

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4 Responses »

  1. You have every right to decide who you get married to. If you feel you don't like your family's proposal it was right for you to refuse it. Better upset parents than being upset for not standing up for yourself for the rest of your life locked in a marriage where you feel youre unable to like the person youre married to, What youre looking for in a marriage is an emotional and intellectual connection. If you don't get that from a proposal, dont bother wasting time.

  2. Hi,

    You done the right thing by rejecting the proposal, because now you don't have to force yourself to be in a marriage you never wanted or having to balancing your life and a marriage.

    Regards to your situation with your mum is understandable. You first have to acknowledge that you both come from different times in other words you both have different mindset. Back in your mum's day, it was all about getting the girls married off quickly as possible in order for her to have a chance of having a life since there wasn't much for women other than to breed and become housewives. In your mum's eyes, she believes she gave you the best opportunity for you in your life, but you never took it and that came across as disrespectful to her. Hence why the treatment you're receiving.

    About your questions; "Was rejecting the right thing?" , yes that was the decision you made as you wasn't ready for the marriage , never going into a marriage without the intention of giving it 100%. "Will I ever get a husband in the future?" , as you said god knows best, but that don't mean you shouldn't put in any effort. As long as you don't have unnecessary high expectation then you shouldn't really have a problem.

    Future reference , I would advice you not to involve your mum into marriage searches because she looks like someone who likes to control and gets angry if things don't go her way. Someone like this will make your journey awful, as they get too passionate and forget about the reason behind their help. Only ask her for help if you desperate for help and also don't leave marriage too late.

  3. You are right to young to u derstand life in general!What's your role as a wife and mother and what are your rights in Islam according to the sunni life that we must follow to our best knowledge..Nowadays young people get married last less then 2 years in most marriages others are forced to stay by family even though they are abuse physically and mentally..Deen and your academic studies are important ...you need 1st a good foundation in Islam and a courier that will enable you to help poor weak travel and be independent. When person has these 2 combination with purpose only to please Allah then this person is very blessed..marriage will come your way dont worry.. the most important is to know that you are really ready for a big test because marriage is half of Iman.
    .when i got married i was 30years old and my wife was 19 just fi is her the Alima program...this sometimes work but not although time...just no one thing look for a person who has a good knowledge of Iman who practices his faith who is soft spoken and kind..this is a man fears Allah ..he will respect you and love you..remeber this point

  4. You have the right to make a decision for yourself. If you are not ready or convinced, its better to wait.

    As far as family is concerned, you can try sitting down the family and conveying your thoughts and feelings and asking them to support.
    Do you have any other goals like education, job, some volunteering activity, or hobby you want to pursue? You may discuss the same with them, and ask them to support. Let them know how it will help/ benefit your well being.
    Do you have any good muslim women role model in your community who may be your age or older and unmarried but pursuing something of their interest, whose example you can give to your family to explain your stance.
    If you have any specific type of husband in mind, do let them know what type of person you will like to share your life with. And tell them at about what age you will be comfortable to get married. This can help them avoid rushing through marriage proposals in future too.

    Also you need to assess if your family members are understanding or not.
    If you mom is mostly upset, try to get support from your dad to convince your mom eventually.
    Try talking to them, if not try asking some close relative who is wise and understanding to pitch in and advise your parents calmly.
    I think mostly they are upset with you at the moment, but if you try to make them understand your perspective, it will definitely change their views to a great extent.

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