Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Guilt over adultery. Should I tell my husband?

Posted by • April 22, 2012 • Printer-friendly
forgiveness

I'm married and committed a sin of adultery. What must I do? I am ashamed and finding it very difficult to live with it.

Is it best if I tell my husband or not?

~inam


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3 Responses »

  1. Amy
    April 22, 2012 • 1:20 am

    Salaams,

    It is not recommended that you tell your husband. If you hide your sin while repenting and asking Allah's forgiveness, He may keep it covered for you. The best thing you can do is make tawbah and move forward with sincere ibadah and duty to your husband. If, after this, you still find it difficult to accept Allah's forgiveness and move on, it may help to speak with an Islamic counselor or professional therapist.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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    • SisterZ
      April 22, 2012 • 1:34 am

      I agree with Amy. The Prophet (sws) said: "Avoid these filthy things that Allaah has forbidden. Whoever has done any of them, let him conceal himself with the concealment of Allaah, may He be glorified and exalted." Narrated by al-Bayhaqi and classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah, no. 663.

      I understand that you feel you want to off load the secret you are carrying, you feel that if you tell your husband you will be more at ease. But sister, this is only shaitan whispering to you. If you do this, you will hurt your husband terribly and most probably destroy your marriage - and that is what shaitan wants. Unfortunately - the guilt you are feeling is a consequence of the sin, so it is not right to place this burden on your husband, it is something that you need to deal with.

      As your sister in Islam, I urge you to turn wholeheartedly to Allah(swt), make sincere tawbah and do your utmost to be the best wife you can to your husband. Love him and cherish him and be always grateful to Allah for concealing your sin. If Allah has concealed the sin, this is through His Mercy on you. He(swt) wants to give you a chance to mend your ways and to sort out your marriage - so do not reject this gift from Allah, hold on tight to His(swt) rope.

      Please read these articles on tawbah:
      http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/tawbah-in-islam/
      http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/tawbah-in-islam/its-not-over-til-the-trumpets-blown-tawbah-and-repentance/
      http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/tawbah-in-islam/poem-turning-back-to-allah/

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      Reply
  2. Sara
    April 22, 2012 • 1:43 am

    Salaam Inam,
    Adultery only happens when we fail to exercise caution in our actions, when we let the seeds of lust get planted. So do not have contact with this man or any non-mahram man again. There is no such thing as 'friendship' between a non mahram man and a woman.

    I have taken this extract from QA
    The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “When an adulterer commits illegal sexual intercourse, then he is not a believer at the time he is doing it, and when a drinker of an alcoholic liquor drinks it, then he is not a believer at the time of drinking it, and when a thief steals, then he is not a believer at the time of stealing, and when a robber robs, and the people look at him, then he is not a believer at the time of doing robbery.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, no. 2475)

    Have you not read what your Lord says in His Book?

    “And come not near to unlawful sex. Verily, it is a Faahishah (i.e. anything that transgresses its limits: a great sin, and an evil way that leads one to Hell unless Allaah forgives him)”

    [al-Israa’ 17:32 – interpretation of the meaning]

    Do you not know that Allaah sees you wherever you are, and He hears you when you speak?

    Do you not remember the great blessings that Allaah has bestowed upon you? For He is the One Who heals you when you are sick, the One Who feeds you when you are hungry and gives you to drink when you are thirsty. And He has given you the greatest blessing that He has bestowed upon mankind, the blessing of Islam. “Is there any reward for good – other than good?” [al-Rahmaan 55:60 – interpretation of the meaning]

    ask yourself, Whose dominion do you live under? Whose provision do you eat from? By Whose command do you live? Is it not the dominion of Allaah, the provision of Allaah, the command of Allaah? So how can you disobey Allaah?

    In answer to your question, no you should not tell your husband. As Muslims we must conceal our sins unless it will cause harm to them if you do not tell them. First and foremost, please do get yourself tested for infections and refrain from relations with your husband until you know you are all clear.

    Dear sister adultery is a major sin, but Allahs mercy is far far greater than the sin. So please do not despair.
    So turn to Him and beg Him to forgive you.

    The point is we never know when Allah wil take our soul. Please turn to him now, it will be a huge weight off your shoulders to leave this sin for Him and He will surely reward you if you do so. Remember that although this sin is grave, Allah swt is the Most Merciful and if you are sincere He forgives all sins.

    Conditions of tawbah (repentance)

    “Say: “O ‘Ibaadi (My slaves) who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allaah, verily, Allaah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.

    And turn in repentance and in obedience with true Faith (Islamic Monotheism) to your Lord and submit to Him (in Islam) before the torment comes upon you, (and) then you will not be helped.

    And follow the best of that which is sent down to you from your Lord (i.e. this Qur’aan, do what it orders you to do and keep away from what it forbids), before the torment comes on you suddenly while you perceive not!’”

    [al-Zumar 39:53-54 – interpretation of the meaning]

    You will see that repentance is something more than seeking forgiveness.
    Because this is a serious matter, there have to be conditions attached. The scholars mentioned the conditions of repentance, based on aayahs from the Qur’aan and ahaadeeth. There follows a list of some of them:

    1 – Giving up the sin immediately.

    2 – Regretting what has happened in the past.

    3 – Resolving not to go back to it.

    http://www.turntoislam.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1069

    Narrated by Umar ibn al-Khattab, Messenger of Allaah {Sallallahu Alayhi Wa Sallam} said: "Whenever a man is alone with a woman shaytan makes a third." [Al-Tirmidhi 3118]

    The Mercy of Allah in Regard to Forgiveness

    "O son of Adam, as long as you call upon Me and put your hope in Me, I have forgiven you for what you have done and I do not mind. O son of Adam, if your sins were to reach the clouds of the sky and then you would seek My forgiveness, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, if you were to come to Me with sins that are close to filling the earth and then you would meet Me without ascribing any partners with Me, I would certainly bring to you forgiveness close to filling it."

    Light is at the end of the tunnel and if you sincerely repent and change (and we are also required to not disclose our sins without good reason e.g. you can to a scholar for reason of seeking advice., Allah will forgive your sins, and it will be like you never committed them.

    Dear sister, do you know that if you sincerely repent and ask Allah swt to forgive you and change yourself (and fulfil the conditions of repentance) then Allah swt wipes the sin and it is if you have never committed the sin. He (swt) turns the sin into a good deed. So please dont let this mistake prevent you from moving forward and from turning to Allah. When His slave sins, He waits for them to come back to Him.

    Allah swt loves the repentance of His slave. When His slave turns to Him and repents, Allah swt becomes happier than the man in the desert who finds his camel with all his food and supplies after losing it. SubhanAllah. Be aware that shaitan wants you to completely lose all hope in Allahs mercy, and he wants you to feel like Allah wont forgive you. It is a sin to despair in the mercy of Allah swt.

    So regret the sin, and make tawbah. Get yourself test for STIs and learn from your mistake. Change yourself for the better. Avoid contact with non-mahram men - if you dont do salat, start praying. And be loving to your husband but do not tell him of your sin, because that is between you and Allah swt. The only event in which you must tell him is if you have an infection resulting from zina.May Allah swt protect you from that.

    Please read this link below about the importance of concealing sins in Islam. I appreciate you are not boasting about sins but please read.
    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/boasting-about-sins/

    “All of my ummah will be fine except for those who commit sin openly. Part of committing sin openly is when a man does something at night and Allaah conceals it, but in the morning he says, ‘O So-and-so, last night I did such and such.’ His Lord had covered his sin all night, but in the morning he removed the cover of Allaah.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5721; Muslim, 2990)

    Sara
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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