Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Harassment by horrible brother in law

muslim woman holding onto quran

My brother in law is making my life hell.. A short while ago we had a little falling out as me and a person were talking about him. Not in a bad way of ofcourse but we said he is a person who knows everything but doesnt say nothing. So the other person said you mean hes sly. It was the wrong word but I knew where she was coming from. Anyways he overheard the convo and was very quiet, he told me that I heard you calling me sly. So I apologised saying I didnt mean that and it wasnt me who made the comment... But still he was very angry. He messaged me some horrible messages regarding what he thinks about me and brings up the past.

I recieved an email from a random person claiming to know me and they constantly emailed me, I ignored the messages but my Mother in laws name gets mentioned in the email in a dirty manner and the person sends me a picture of his d***.. So my BIL claims he saw the emails and says my MIL wasnt mentioned in them. He had been going through my laptop, and said the email messages popped up. He messages me after an arguement and tells that the email I recieving was about me and what I had done in the past. So I was very angry as he insinuated that I had done some dirty stuff in the past.

I left my home for 4 weeks due to building work and come back to him still ignoring me. I carry on doing what I do but he plans to move out, so I speak with MIL who gets very upset about him leaving and I tell her I will speak with him and I will apologise.

He then puts a recording device into my car and I'm so angry that I say some stupid things in anger. I am so angry about the situation that I am swearing. He of course manages to take the recording out and listen to it. He then calls me to try to resolve the situation and i listen to him and we talk about it. He then says that he has to apologise about recording and he then says he apologises that he never saw no emails in the first place. So I apologize for what I had said about. Matter resolved..

But not for long, he then plays the recording to my husband but my husband never said anything about it. He just said that me and my brother in law are petty. Which is understandable. He then knocks on my door about a week later and he says why are you still backchatting this time to my MIL? I get defensive and get a little angry and say to him that I haven't said these things. We both start shouting, I call my MIL and she says she didn't say nothing like that. He then decides to play the recording to my FIL and his grandmother. So I of course get upset and cry but still put my side of the story. I constantly keep getting accused.

Anyways in the evening I decide to go to a supermarket this one time and he follows me to the car park of it. At first I took no notice of it but then he drives past again. My husband calls and I tell him that he followed me. So him and my husband argue and he denies coming to the supermarket. He then starts to message me all sorts saying I'm trying to frame him. But why would I do that?

Couple of days before he finds a personal item of my husband and me. And he says that he found it and that I'm absolutely dirty although it was a joke thing that I was given for my wedding(never used). He says I left that thing in my room to try to frame him. But frame him for what?

He then starts messaging me all sorts and I realise that he has got tabs on me from internet to cars. My husband has an arguement with him saying this thing needs to finish. He then says to my husband that I go on men's social media accounts when none of these are active since last month. He says things like 'so what type of wife are u'!

Nobody is taking his side but I feel like I'm making my in laws choose between me and him. I'm now worried about what he will do next. Lastly he messages me saying that I aborted a child when actually in fact I had a miscarriage.

 My question is why is he doing all of this? What is he achieving?

Please help


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13 Responses »

  1. Your brother in law seems to be of very bad character .He is non mehram to you and he can't interact with you .What he is doing is horrible acts .How can he record your conversations ?
    He has crossed all boundaries .You should not tolerate this further .You ,your husband and MIL should discuss this on high priority basis and if this is your husband's house then he needs to kick him out of the house .
    Or you both need to come out and stay in different house ..

  2. Aslaam

    From what you wrote, first thing in my mind was ... maybe he likes you? Like he's angry that you're with his brother and he wants you for himself. Either that or he's got some mental problems. Either way I think you should stop messaging him and I think you + your husband need to get far away from him.

    Maybe he needs to see a doctor? Like I said - he sounds mentally ill. If not then I think he might be attracted/obsessed with you. If that's the case then your contact with him should be null and void.

    Only thing I can think of that may help thus situation is you getting a restraining order on him and if it continues, then I think you and your husband should cut ties with him. I know in Islam we are to keep ties with kinship, and people here might not agree with me, but sometimes you have do things whether Islam allows them or not. I mean last year I had a pretty nasty argument with my aunt and my father (her brother) has cut all ties and said if she was to die then he wouldn't attend her funeral - and trust me my dad isn't bluffi he's genuinely serious.

    I hope my post doesn't anger anyone but that is my view. May Allah help ease your stress.

    • A brother in law is not her kin. Its her husband's kin. Its nice if everyone gets along but at the end of the day he should not be harassing her or messaging her. She has every right to cut off ties with him.

      • I meant the brother himself. I feel that if this person if infatuated and his behaviour doesn't stop then I feel that she AND he (the brother) should cut ties with him, regardless of what Islam says.

        I don't mean to anger or upset anyone but in my personal opinion, Islam was more suited to the era in which it came about and, depending on which country you live in, isn't really that much compatible nowadays - especially in countries such as the UK and America. It just seems outdated to me but I am and always will be Muslim.

        This is just my opinion.

    • Asim: a pretty nasty argument with my aunt and my father (her brother) has cut all ties and said if she was to die then he wouldn't attend her funeral - and trust me my dad isn't bluffi he's genuinely serious.

      One nasty argument and a brother and sister decide to break off the relationship for ever. Not a mature reaction.

      • It wasn't one nasty argument. My aunty has treated my mother like dirt since the day my dad and mom got married. My aunt actually sent my father a threatening message the day before the argument, my father phoned up and my aunt insulted him and my mother over the phone.

        Me, my mother and sister where shopping in Asda the next day and my aunt came over and began speaking to us like nothing happened which angered me because she had insulted my mother and father, and that's why I told her to get lost and swear words were exchanged between us.

        There is more to the story but I don't wish to delve too much into it, and I admit myself that I handled the situation wrong - I should've gone a different way about it, but I would be lying if I said that my aunt didn't deserve it.

        I still pray for her but as far as everything else - my father has totally cut all ties with her whatsoever and I don't blame him.

        • You are acting like your situation of sisters in laws treating their brothers wives horribly is rare occurrence in our cultures. I assure you it's not. What would be unique is how your father handles it. My aunt used to do the same to my mother and even say she was going to make sure the two were divorced in such and such time. My mother ignored it, my father told her to cut it out. Towards the end of her life she and her other siblings have more respect for my mother than even my father. Nobody cut off ties. Do so effects the kids negatively and its unislamic.

  3. WOW!!!!! This is just crazy

    Why is it that this guy doesn't have limits! How old is he, he acts like a demented,lunatic, evil teenager!
    It's one thing to be conniving, but it's another to be a psychopath. The whole thing with the emails, the recording, and just how he wants to get you is just not a normal way of fighting with some one. I'd be scared that what if he one day decides to put his hands on you!!!

    My thing is why hasn't your husband put a stop to this. I mean I can't imaging if my brother in law even looks at me the wrong way, but I know if he did my husband won't let it slide, so most likely it will never happen again. Thats what your hubby needs to do, he has to put his foot down,its his duty to protect you. Once and for all he needs to shut him down.

    so do you all live in the same house or what! Because I don't understand how you interact with him so much like this.If you do, please try to move to your own place, and change your number too. I don't understand why he texts you soooo much, also change your email. Leave him no way of actually contacting you. However, sence he's family you need to be cordial when you see him.

  4. You should tell your husband and also kick him out of the house
    Seems like one crazy person

  5. deceptive to judge based on a one sided story

  6. no you cant

  7. He does live in the same house and he is usually at work but still managed to make my life hell.
    He now claims that i was moaning (sexually) in the bathroom and was using his cousins name, i say to him that it is made up but he recorded the sound of my bubblebath running and claims i was moaning in it, I call MIL instantly and tell her of the situation and she says he needs to move out. I also tell my husband and he is furious. BIL packs his bags and decides to leave as i tell him to get out.
    The next day he is back into the house and says he is really sorry and that he is being a bit paranoid. All i say is i am glad you cleared my name because that isnt a small accusation for a muslim married mother.
    Then all of a sudden couple of days ago he says to MIL that he cant respect me for what i did in the bathroom and that if i am telling the truth then i should put my hand on the quran and say it.
    On top of that recently he has put an alarm clock which had a spy camera in it. I walked into the bathroom and ALLAH (swa) protected me that i had a shower earlier in the day when usually i have it during night times because of my baby. I went into the bathroom and saw that my normal pretty clock had been changed to this small digital clock i ask the family if they changed it and they said no and i ask him and he said no too. In the same night he decides to pack his bags again and leave, This time because my MIL argues with him.
    Today though i get my MIL and him and touch the quran (astaghfirullah) and tell him that i have never done such things in the bathroom. When i ask him to put the hand on the quran that he never put the spy camera in the bathroom he does it too but chucks the piece of paper on me. I know it was him as there was a memory card in the phone which belongs to him and it was superglued from the side and the super glue was in his room bin.
    I genuinely dont know what to do, He has made my life hell.
    Ya rab please help me.

    Bear in mind in the 2 years i have been married and liivng in this family he has never done anything of the sort. I think there is some black magic on him because everybody in the house says he has never been like this.

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