Verbal sexual harassment from drug addicted brother-in-law
Asalamu alaikum,
I have a question on a sensitive matter. I have been married for sixteen months and moved in with my husband's family. Prior to my marriage, my husband had warned me that his younger brother was a drug addict and often stole from his family. I would therefore need to keep valuables locked up, but he assured me that he was not abusive nor was he violent. In fact, he told me that he was very quiet and slept most of the time.
However when I reached the house, I realized that the situation was very different. His brother was in fact foul mouthed, abusive and violent. He made extremely crude remarks to all the women in the house, including me. For the first year of my marriage, I stayed in a locked bedroom, for fear of further sexual harassment. I even felt physically threatened.
When my family confronted my in laws, they were told that I was a liar and that they were lucky that my in laws didn't complain about the way I treated them. My husband later admitted that I could be accused of no such thing, in fact I had been praised for how I had dealt with the situation prior to the sexual harassment. My brother in law also used foul language towards my parents and brother, and tried to physically attack my brother. He was restrained by neighbors on the street.
My husband's brother has now completed some time in a rehabilitation clinic and I am told that he is recovering well. I am told that he was previously suffering from mental illness and did not realize that the things he said were wrong. However, I disagree with this as he would wait until other family members left the room to say something, or would be crude about me to provoke my husband when they argued. When I noticed this pattern, I pointed it out to my husband and asked him to ignore his brother's comments, as reacting to them led to a further loss of my dignity.
My husband has not seen his brother for a few months, and is convinced that he is better. He has forgiven him for violating my honour and dignity and would like me to do the same. I find this very difficult to do, in fact I do not want to forgive him as I spent a year imprisoned in my bedroom, sinking further into a state of depression. I also feel that three months is a short period to reverse eight years of bad habits.
I find it hard to forgive my husband for refusing to take me out of the situation based on cultural pride and a false excuse of finances. I find it even harder to forgive his brother. What is the Islamic opinion on such matters of forgiveness?
-ConfusedWife
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Sister,
Although I am not qualified to offer you advice from an Islamic perspective I can tell you this. Your husband should take you out of this situation as it is unhealthy for your marriage and it is not acceptable at all. What will happen if his brother touches you or worse? Chances are, you will be blamed and it will be all your fault according to your husbands family. You don't have to live this way and staying in your bedroom in order to stay away from your husbands brother is no way for any married woman to spend her days. Living in fear the way you are...no wonder you are depressed. Give your husband an ultimatum...either get a small apartment or he can visit you at your parents home.
Salam
I agree u need to make a move and move out ASAP life is too short for u to live in fear and be lock up in your bedroom, talk to ur husband see what he can do and move out.
Wa Alaikum Salaam Warahmatullahi Wabarkaatuh Sister,
My concern is not about the forgiveness. I am concerned about whether his brother is really cured and won't come back and repeat what he did. If you think that part is over and won't happen again, then to me there is no need to keep it inside you and not forgive. If his brother was truly suffering from mental illness and did not realize that the things he said were wrong, Allah will not hold him responsible for those words, and therefore you should also forgive him. Even if he was fully concious of his words, Allah is so Merciful, so you could forgive him ok. "...And let them pardon, and let them overlook. Do you not love for God to pardon you? God is All-Forgiving, Most Merciful." (Quran 24:22)
Wa alaikum assalam Sister,
I am sorry to hear about your situation. I do not know the best answer, so what I am relaying to you is an opinion that I would offer my own sister if she faced such a situation.
I think that there are two parts. First, I do believe that you should forgive your brother-in-law and even husband if they are making efforts to rectify the situation. And also, because forgiveness is not just for the person being forgives, but it is for yourself--giving yourself permission to move forward with your life and focus on productive and happy moments.
The second part is that I do believe that you have the right to ask for a separate place to live away from your in-laws where you feel free to roam in the house without the scare that someone will mistreat you. I would highly recommend that you involve an elder from your family that has the ability to talk diplomatically--especially if there is a chance that you and your brother-in-law might by chance be isolated in a room or in the house--as this is completely against Islamic etiquette irrespective of how he treats you.
I pray that Allah ease your difficulty and put much love and mercy between your husband and yourself. Try to focus on the solution, and move past the wrong that has been done, especially if you see the effort towards improvement.
I don't really want to advise you on the "what if" this doesn't work because I sincerely hope and pray this does.
Waalaykum salaam sister,
I can only imagine what you went through. I really feel for you sister, you are brave Mashaa Allah. I am not qualified to answer your question on forgiveness in Islam. But I will offer you advise on your current situation. Your living conditions were completely unacceptable, and even if your brother in law gets cured, it's not logical to live in the same home.
You have every right to refuse to live with your brother in law, as he is not your mahram. Even if he did not have mental issues, every woman deserves some privacy. You need to communicate with your husband, and tell him exactly how you feel, otherwise your resentment will only grow. Try to calmly explain your feelings, and tell him he needs to find a separate accommodation for you. May Allah make things easy for you ameen.
DEAR SISTER
YOUR PROBLEM IS NOT UNIQUE ! WHAT I FEEL YOUR HUSBAND IS A REAL MAN SO HE TOLD YOU THE PROBLEM IN ADVANCE INS'T HE ? NOW YOU HAVE GONE THROUGH THE PRACTICAL ASPECTS OF THE ENTIRE SITUATION AND TAKEN THIS AS PERSONAL EGO , AND YOU SAID THAT THIS BEEN TOLD TO YOU THAT AFTER TREATMENT YOUR BROTHER IN LAW IS OK AND YOU HAVE NOT SEEN HIM FOR LONG TIME , FEEL YOUR SELF ANY REGRETS IN HIS ATTITUDE SO FOR GIVE HIM IN THE NAME OF ALLAH , AND ASK THE HELP FROM ALLAH , BY DOING THIS YOU WILL HELP YOUR HUSBAND WHICH IS YOUR MORAL DUTY AS A MUSLIM WIFE AND OF COURSE YOUR BROTHER IN LAW IS ALSO A MUSLIM BROTHER ! AS AN ELDER SISTER ITS AGAIN YOUR DUTY TO MAKE HIM UNDERSTAND THINK IN THIS WAY AND SEEK BENEFITS FROM ALLAH I AM SURE U CAN HANDLE THE SITUATION ,AND ALLAH WILL HELP YOU INSHA'ALLAH I WILL PRAY FOR YOU TOO ! PLEASE KEEP ME REMEMBER IN YOUR PRAYERS
Brother,
A real man has a moral duty to protect and care for his wife. Ego plays no role in this entire situation. This sister does not have to live in a home where she feels the need to be locked in her bedroom in fear of her bother in law. That is just sick and no way for any woman to live. This brother in law of hers in coming home after only 3 months in treatment...is she supposed to feel safe now after all she has been through? The only duty this sister has is to herself and to make certain that she isn't put in harms way because her husband and his family are putting her at risk every single day this man is in the house. Is she supposed to wait until something horrible happens to her? This sister doesn't need to handle anything...her husband should make certain that his wife is safe and if that means him moving her to a small apartment...so be it. That is what a real man would do.
Salam
Assalam alaikum br. Riaz,
A problem that is not uniqe is a problem nevertheless. I have heard of some girls after marriage being verbally abused by their brother-in-laws and the brother-in-law uses to his advantage that no one will believe the newcomer to the family--and in some cases even if the family believes the new bride, sometimes they blame her because she "must have provoked" the brother-in-law. There is a reason why Islam allows women separate accomodations after marriage and frankly speaking--having to adhere to hijaab all day while at home isn't exactly very comfortable.
Further to this:
So brother, it isn't the wife's responsibilty to make things work in this matter, but rather her husband should lead by making sure she is safe--besides, the Hadith doesn't even mention anything about verbally abusive in-laws--but it is a rule to be followed in general--even by polite males.
Thank you for your support, sister.
No, brother. I do not have an issue with ego. I was misinformed about a situation and did not go in with a rose tinted view that I could handle a situation as big as the one that I faced. I was told thay he stole and quietly went to sleep. I may have been naive but an ego has never been my problem in this situation. As other comments have pointed out, I was blamed for my brother in laws filthy comments. He, incidentally, has completed his treatment but has not changed very much - I posted this problem some ago so now the treatmentis over. I am not five and a half months pregnant and still in the same house. I am in the process of moving, alhamdulillah but have been told that I have no right to refuse my brother in law entry into my home or to refuse him from handling my child. Please keep my baby in your duas as their protection is my priority now and i will inshaAllah try to be more assertive. As many sisters are aware, this is not always easy as a husband's word goes. I have since been in contact with the local imam, who has also advised me that many men are quick to point out a woman's duties towards her husband and his family but do not address their duty of care towards a woman. Knowing that I am not alone is some consolation, although I will prepapre myself to do whatever is necessary to keep my child safe, even if that means leaving. Please pray that Allah swt gives me the strength and courage needed to do what is best for my baby. May Allah swt protect the honour of all women.
Salam Sister,
you have been cheated on this situation. Your husband lied to you. He claimed to you that his brother is calm, but he was not. This was reason enough to divorce...
Sister masallah you are a saliha woman protecting your and your husbands honor. Therefore you should do your pray and if your brother in law wants to enter your home alone, then don't allow him, because this make situation dangerous. It's called Halwa. If two not married person stay in the same place, then the third is the devil.
Therefore tell your husband, that you want to protect his honour and he should allow his brother in law to come, when he's not alone.
What your concern about the obeying your husband goes is following? You have to obey your husband as long as it is halal, but from your situation we can see, that there are some commands from your husband, which could be haram. And you should not obey haram things. It's important to protect your honour.