How can I come to terms with what has happened?
Asalamu alaikum,
I am a female in my mid 20s and have always had a lot of drive to do my very best in life. I was a practising Muslim up until my mid-teenage years where I distanced myself from the rituals. I am a well educated, driven and a family focused girl with good manners but I noticed that my attitude towards deen had changed once numerous problems within my immediate family had arisen. My mother had suffered from a mental illness for many years and this had a direct impact on the family dynamics. I never had a good relationship with my father because of how emotionally and verbally abusive he was, so this made coping with my family’s problems even more difficult.
I stayed away from all things haram and kept to myself until I was almost 20 and met a guy who chased after me and whose company I enjoyed. I was not particularly attracted to him nor did I love him, but I felt like I had someone I could talk to and escape to when things got bad at home. One thing led to another and after 8 months, I committed the unthinkable. I don’t even remember how it happened, but I remember feeling extremely guilty and disgusted for breaking a promise I had made to myself. Shortly after, the relationship was over. I ended up cutting off all contact with him and felt humiliated with myself.
It's only in the last few weeks that I’ve come to really think over what I have done and why. I have made a firm promise to never go back to the sin and with the help of God, have resumed prayers and all other rituals. Day by day, my faith is strengthening but there’s still a long way to go. My family dynamics have also improved significantly and I now feel I can handle stressful situations a lot better than I could a few years ago. I no longer have this lingering feeling of wanting to feel loved (even though getting married and having a family is my top priority, and always has been).
I am still coming to terms with how this all happened, because I simply don't remember... I have this urge to escape my city and relocate just to start fresh because of all the shame I now have. I feel so ashamed being around people who are completely unaware of what I have done. I feel paranoid a lot of the time and wonder how many people out there are aware of my sin. I pray to God for forgiveness all the time and pray that he keeps my sin concealed and hidden.
Recently, I've also started to wonder about how I’d tell my future husband about my shameful past... I’m all about being honest so I simply cannot hide what I have done from someone I’m spending my life with.
I understand the past is the past, but at present I feel ashamed, guilty and horrified that I was even able to do such a thing… I have always been and still am a sensible girl but I’m simply overwhelmed with shock that this has happened.
How can I overcome the guilt and shame I suffer from because of my actions? Is there hope for Muslim girl with a "past" when it comes to marriage? What other steps are necessary for forgiving oneself and moving on with life?
Moj
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OP: How can I overcome the guilt and shame I suffer from because of my actions? Is there hope for Muslim girl with a "past" when it comes to marriage?
You did "unthinkable"? Do you mean sexual intercourse? Are you concerned about your hudband finding out you are not a virgin? Most likely your husband will not find out any thing. He probably would have done some thing like that too or tried hard to find some one........
Repent and ask for forgiveness and move on. Search Internet and see how other Muslim girls deal with this problem. Use your time for improving your life.
Many men do bad things all the time and forget about it in few minutes.
Dear Moj,
Essalam Alaykum, Eid Mubarek,
Here's what I think would answer your concerns, Allah subhanu has said in 65:2 and 65:3: "And whoever fears Allah - He will make for him a way out***And will provide for him from where he does not expect. And whoever relies upon Allah - then He is sufficient for him. Indeed, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Allah has already set for everything a [decreed] extent."
Essalam
I don't understand why girls like you are scared of your future husbands. It's obvious that you have done intercourse with that man and it's making you guilty now. But in all honesty, how can you be so sure that the man whom you are going to marry has not done the same thing or maybe done it with a lot of girls. Even if he is chaste and pure, stop taking unnecessary stress how you will face him while telling him about your past. Because you won't. You shouldn't. Whatever you did was in the past. It can't be undone. But don't destroy your present and future because of that one mistake. Be brave. Repent but don't forget. Don't think about your future husband that much. Concentrate more your goals as you seem like a focused person. Think of this just like a test. We all make mistakes, learn from them and move on.
Wa Alaikkum Salaam dear sister
sins only can be revealed to Allaahu Rabbul 'Aalameen during repentence and prayers.
In Islam sins shudnt be revealed to any humans as they will become witness for your sin in Aakhirah..
if u have repented please leave it to Rab as he may forgive you and hide ur sins on Aakhirah
.so this is shythan who makes u think that u will be honest only if you reveal ur sins to person whom u living for life,,,but its a track by shythaan to deceieve you and destroy ur life by telling ur husband abt ur sins as he is only destroyer so dont follow his waswas just pray to Rab cry and just leave it to him and he may Insha Allaah forgive you Aamaen
“O son of Adam, so long as you call upon Me and ask of Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, were you to come to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth and were you then to face Me, ascribing no partner to Me, I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great as it.” [Tirmidhi]
“Except for those who repent, believe and do righteous work. For them Allah will replace their evil deeds with good. And ever is Allah Forgiving and Merciful.” [Qur'an, 25:70]
---kamal