How can I make this relationship work?
Assalamu alaykum!
Dear brothers and sisters, I'm in need of an advice. Since my teens years I have been involved in wrong. A year and a half ago I met a very nice Christian girl and we started dating. Early on in our relationship I told her religion will be a problem and she said she would convert if I told her more about religion and if he she thought it was best for her. So we dated and were happy and planned to get married all along. Meanwhile I told her more about Islam and she was more and more willing to become a muslim.
Recently I had an opening of the heart and realised all the wrong I've been doing and decided to turn back to Allah and Islam before it's too late. I repented and cried and still do, and I told her about it and she said she knows what we were doing was wrong and agreed. So we decided to turn our relationship into a friendship and be good friends till we get married. She now has good knowledge of Islam and is certain about converting.
The problem is that she's only 20 and still dependant on her parents and has two more years to finish her studies. He parents are very conservative when it comes to religion and would never accept her conversion, she's even scared to talk about religion at home as her father gets very defensive. All this frustration is causing problems in our friendship and she says I'm not supportive and understanding like a friend should be, especially if we plan to get married. I just want there to be some form of distance between us so we don't fall back into sin. She also says that waiting two years is just going to drive us apart as we become more and more distant.
Please help and advise how we can make it all work with all this obstacles in our way. I know she wants to become a Muslim and I want to marry her and not abandon and betray her after all this.
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Salaams,
I think it's awesome that you are feeling like getting back to your deen and trying to align everything in your life with Allah's guidance. It looks like you may have overlooked one crucial detail however, namely that in Islam there is no place for friendships between men and women. You many have relationships with women with whom you are related, and you may court girls for marriage. However, outside of those two caveats, there are no other types of relationships permitted. With that being the case, you have to clearly express to this girl that until you are going to start trying to plan a marriage (with your parents involvement, of course), you have to avoid interacting with one another unless absolutely necessary. If you fail to do this, you put you and the girl both in the position of having a complicated and difficult rapport that is usually obfuscated by any emotions the two of you have for one another. This should be avoided by any means necessary.
I understand that you are concerned for the girl and how her parents are going to take her conversion. However, that is going to be something she has to work out on her own, because in truth if Allah willed her to be Muslim that could've happened with someone else entirely if you had never met her, and she would still be having to figure out how to deal with her parents regarding that. On some level, all converts have to re-organize their relationships and how they deal with others, especially relatives, when they make a commitment to Allah and Islam. It's not something that those who support them can necessarily change for them.
I understand that backing off at a time where it seems like she needs you the most seems counter-intuitive, but think about how Allah asked Abraham to do the same to Hagar and Ishmael by leaving them alone in the desert. Ishmael was just a little baby and Hagar had no one but him to depend on, but Allah knew He was going to care for their needs despite the circumstances. In a similar sense, maybe this is a time for her to really get to know Allah for Who He is directly, so that she can depend on none but Him. This will give her the strong foundation of faith she will need to face further challenges down the road. As far as the two of you having the chance to marry after she finishes school, if Allah wills it then it will happen no matter what. If He doesn't will it, then the two of you hanging on to each other against your better judgement won't change that. If the both of you trust in Allah, you will find that no matter what happens you will be at peace knowing you are doing the right thing.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
if you can support her financially ( if you are in job or your family is agree), then you can marry her... and allow her to complete her studies. u will recite kalmah inshah allah........
Asalaam alaikum,
If you married her today, wouldn't she naturally leave home to live with you and thus, her finishing school and living with her parents be a concern dealt with? But I digress, as right now, you're not being honest with yourself or with her.
You can't simply repent half way. It's either you believe that what you did was wrong and you leave her completely or you marry her. It seems that you're hedging your bets right now, because you don't know if she will convert and you are hinging on that, possibly. She's also right, in a way, as it's not fair to her. Be her husband or be nothing at all, is what she's trying to tell you subconsciously.
She's old enough, she's ready and she's willing, by what you have written.
Simply put: she wants to get married. Are you ready to support her Islamically and honor all of her rights or not, thereby breaking this relationship fully?
Step up or step out or as they say, "man up" to her and to Allah (swt).