Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband beats me and chokes me

Controlling husband

As Salaam Wa Laikum

I am an American 26 years old. I reverted to islam a little over a year ago. may husband has been Muslim longer than I have he is also a revert. Im writing this because I am miserable on my marriage. I can honestly say sometimes my actions create dismay but lately I have been trying to keep peace. How can I say this...he is very abusive...He's been this way for years even before marriage...I've had black eyes busted lips...I've been choked until I passed out...the other day he punched me over 10 times because he said I wasn't being real enough for him during an argument. My family knows and encourages me to leave. I wanted to talk to an imam but he does not let me go anywhere on my own. Please help I have been cutting self and having anxiety attacks often because of the stress of this marriage help me.

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19 Responses »

  1. Next time your husband touches you call 911 and get him arrested. No Imam can change your husband. Are you helping your husband get US citizenship/greencard?

  2. Salaam sister
    Your family is write please leave him don’t take his abusment anymore he punches you is Abusive towards you
    what are you waiting for leave him
    Before it gets to late

  3. If you knew before marriage that he was abusive, it was really irresponsible of you to go ahead and marry him anyway. I sincerely hope you do not have children that are growing up in this mess of a marriage.

    I would advise you to stop being so passive, defeated and helpless - take control of yourself, woman! Your husband doesn't "allow you" to go anywhere? Why do you need his permission? If you really want to leave, pack your things and leave with or without his permission, and file for a divorce. If he physically blocks your way or holds you back, call the police. You should do that anyway; report this man to the police, he should not get away with being violent and dangerous.

    It's not a complicated situation, sis. If someone hurts you, you get away from them, it's very simple.

    • Well technically speaking a woman DOES need permission by her husband to leave the house, according to Islam. So for you to ask why does she need his permission ... it's simple: that's what Islam says.

      Not saying what her husband is doing is right; I would be one of the forst people advocating a divorce for her and to report him to the cops.

      • Asim,
        The Islam I follow do not view women as slaves to their husbands - nor as their husband's children - and therefore don't require their husband's permission to do anything. It's common courtesy in a marriage to tell each other what you get up to, but no one is the master of the other. The only master there is is Allah.

        Even if you DO believe women are enslaved to their husband, it surely does not apply to situations where the husband is being abusive and / or the woman's life is in danger. "Excuse me, husband master, you beat me up and abuse me...would it be okay if I leave you right this minute? Do I have your permission?". Which abuser is going to allow that to happen? lol. What a very odd belief you have.

        • Well said Lindita.

          Unfortunately some people believe what the Quran says literally and don't read the other words behind it. They state a quote from the Quran and interpret as is.

        • I don't believe women are slaves to their husbands. I never said that they were so great strawman argument there. Secondly, it's because I've read IN the Quran and Hadith that a woman can only leavr the house with husband's permission unless necessary (I'm paraphrasing so it moght or might not say that in the exact way) so I'm only saying what I've read in the Quran and Hadith.

          • Islam is not just about blindly reading things and believing them, though. It's your Islamic duty to use your own brain, because in the end, Allah will ask you why you didn't question something that sounded too ludacris to be true.

            And you are wrong - if you truly believe a woman can only leave her house, or do ANYTHING, with the permission of her husband...that's called slavery, my friend. Really, tell me what the difference is between a wife that can't do things without permission and a slave? I don't see the difference myself.

          • Salam Lindita,

            I agree with Asim and I can answer those questions for you. This is in the Quran:

            http://corpus.quran.com/translation.jsp?chapter=4&verse=34
            Sahih International: Men are in charge of women by [right of] what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth. So righteous women are devoutly obedient, guarding in [the husband's] absence what Allah would have them guard. But those [wives] from whom you fear arrogance - [first] advise them; [then if they persist], forsake them in bed; and [finally], strike them. But if they obey you [once more], seek no means against them. Indeed, Allah is ever Exalted and Grand.

            balanced by this:

            http://corpus.quran.com/translation.jsp?chapter=2&verse=228

            Sahih International: Divorced women remain in waiting for three periods, and it is not lawful for them to conceal what Allah has created in their wombs if they believe in Allah and the Last Day. And their husbands have more right to take them back in this [period] if they want reconciliation. And due to the wives is similar to what is expected of them, according to what is reasonable. But the men have a degree over them [in responsibility and authority]. And Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise.

            So the wife's protector is her husband and he can't do his job of protection if she is going around without his knowledge. Similarly though, a husband should not just leave the house without saying where he is going since women have similar rights as to what is expected of them. Now there are people that interpret the verses above differently but there is no way you can assign a protector without assigning authority. You have little kids, they can get harmed so they must ask your permission before going outside. You may consider them to be slaves then, and perhaps they are, but it is for their protection.

            When a rape occurs, out of the two genders, only one carries the baby. And the other gender that does not carry the baby is generally physically stronger. For such a setup the physically stronger gender must protect the gender that carries the baby. This is both for that gender and that the life of the child to be brought up in a loving environment. In order for the male gender to protect the female gender there must be some authority assigned to it. Otherwise it's like passing a law that say kids don't have to listen to their parents but parents are accountable if the kids get hurt.

            As for this particular post, this woman's protector is clearly the opposite of what he should be, and she should get a divorce. As for the permission to go outside, this varies based on environment. If it is safe outside protectors are fine with letting the people they protect go outside without permission. I would like to know where my wife is, but I don't need her to ask me to get groceries or to go to work. If she's flying to a worn torn country, I would really like her to ask so I can so no. Same with kids, no problem if they're just stepping outside to play with neighborhood kids, but there is a problem if they're walking beyond the neighborhood. It's relative to the danger. I hope this helps.

      • M,
        I know about all of those hadiths. My scholar just doesn't interpret them as women needing to adopt the role of a slave towards their husband. As mentioned, it's more about having common courtesy and valuing your spouse's opinions and wishes. But that also requires some fairness on the husband's behalf. Like him not being unnecessarily dismissive and nay-saying just for the sake of controlling his wife.

        Islam is not as black and white as you make it out to be. Thank God.

        • No one is saying, or interpreting, hadiths and verses as women being slaves you moron. You're the only one saying that. All I said was that in the Quran women can leave the house but require husband's permission. Maybe there's a specific meaning behind it I don't know but you keep going on about how apparently we're viewing it as saying women are slaves and no one is saying that.

          And don't refer to me as "you're friend" whether you meant it as a phrase or not. I'm not your friend.

          • @Asim
            You’re mean...calling a female commenter a moron. I wonder if you are disrespectful to your wife or close female relative. Calling some a “moron” doesn’t make you man but a coward.

          • @Tami,

            Calling a girl a Moron would not make him a coward. Cowards are people that are scared. The right classification is that he would be abusive. Anyway he did apologize so that's good. Just helping you out so you know what to call them. Have a good day.

        • I apologise for my previous comments. It was disrespectful.

        • Salam Lindita,

          What is it that you think I'm making black and white? Also, is your viewpoint that in Islam women do not need to listen to their husbands at all? Is that what you are saying?

  4. Dear Sister: Wa alaikum salaam.

    1. Call your family, mother, sister, father, and/or brother. Tell them to come pick you up. Consider leaving your home with your family when your husband is at work. That way you can take all of your possessions or anything in the home you are in that you want. If necessary, put your personal items in garbage bags and leave as soon as possible. If you are alone when you call your family, tell them it is urgent and if you feel comfortable, explain that your husband beats you, you are in danger and want to leave. If your family can not or does not want to help, call the police. Remove yourself from your home because you are in danger. Don't be embarrassed or ashamed. Wife beating happens all over the world among all households.

    2. There is absolutely nothing in Islam that permits one Muslim to hurt another Muslim. That includes husbands and how they treat their wives. So do not let anyone try to tell you that such behavior is permissible. Even if it is your husband or an imam telling you this. There is nothing in Islam that permits men to beat their wives. Note that there are differing viewpoints among scholars regarding this matter, but the Prophet never beat his wives and he is the person we are suppose to pattern ourselves after. In the U.S. it is against the law. It is a crime.

    3. Do not return to your husband. There is a good chance he will sweet talk you and promise you the world to get you to come back home. It means nothing. It is only talk. Because if you do return, within a short time, you will be beaten again. If he has not already done so, your husband will more than likely tell you that it is your fault he beat you. He will probably tell you that you were not being a good wife, that you should not talk back, raise your voice or question your husband. He may be critical of who you are as a person or any shortcomings you have. That does not matter. You are a person, not a machine. You are Allah's servant, deserving of kindness and patience if and when you make mistakes. Understand that this is classic behavior of a wife beater. The polite term is Domestic Violence, because violence is perpetuated by both husband and wife. But the reality most often in these cases is wife beating. I am not going to dress up the term or what has happened to you -- wife beating -- with any other language. And it applies in your case.

    4. Seek some kind of legal and police protection from your husband. Get a restraining order requiring him to stay away from you. Then find some kind of legal assistance and get a civil divorce. In the meantime, request an Islamic divorce. If you did not have a civil marriage license, you can be rid of this horrible person in about 4 months. Send your husband your request for divorce based on physical and emotional abuse. Date your request for divorce and make a statement that your iddah or waiting period will commence on the date of the letter and because of the physical abuse, you will reside with your family.
    You have no obligation to remain in the same household as your husband because of the threat of danger. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. In your case, khul, the divorce a woman initiates against her husband, and returns her dowry, is not even required. Your husband has abused you. He has no right to ask anything of you, except maybe your forgiveness. And as I said your husband may even get down on his knees telling you how sorry he is. Don't believe a word of it. If he has beaten you several times already, he will continue to beat you. It is not your job to fix your husband's problems. That is his personal issue that he has to work on. It is your duty as a Muslim woman to protect your own self. Divorce this abusive man. Stay far away from him. Otherwise, instead of a divorce to get over, your family will be attending a janazah.

    I have worked with victims of domestic violence. I have also done peer counseling with married people in the Muslim community. The only time I ever advise anyone after an initial contact to divorce their spouse is when violence is involved. I can not emphasize enough that it is not your job to fix your husband and his haraam behavior. Do not let anyone here at this site, within your community, your family or anywhere tell you to "be patient". No one ever tells a victim of a bully, troublemaker or evil person who has been hit or beaten to "be patient".

    • Couldn't absolutely agree with you more sister. The problem today with the Ummah is topics like these are rarely discussed especially in masjids. They would rather keep it hush than let society hear it because they dont want a "bad" reputation. Anyone who experiences domestic violence or any sort of abuse should never endure it and give an excuse about it either. Despicable people such as the OP's husband need to go to jail and understand what he has done. SubhanAllah, how far Islam came after our beloved prophet(PBUH) but yet we are regressing. May Allah protect and guide us.

  5. Dear Sister, Roses has given you the best advice. Please get out before children come into the picture. It is easier to move a mountain than to change a man. He is what he is and he will not change. I know the thought of leaving, being on your own is hard but it will be harder if children are added to the picture. Please leave. Allah will help you and I will pray for you. Please keep us updated. You are not alone in your suffering. there are too many of us in this situation. You do not deserve this.
    Sending you love.

  6. I totally agree with sister roses and raina 6927
    Before the children come in the picture
    I been through this myself I left too Late until my 2 girls were born my anxiety was so worse but I decided to get separated from him to come out of this domestic violence because it started to effect my children but you don’t do that please come out from this done tic violence this men will never change I wasted my 10 years saying to myself everyday that my ex will change but he never did it’s very hard to leave but will get through Allah will help you and I will pray for you please keep us updated
    You are not only one but please leave before it gets too late

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