Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I feel unhappy with my partner

unhappy wife

Trapped in an unhappy marriage

Asalaamalikuim

Brothers and sisters,

A Couple of  years back  i got nikkah  and i dont feel happy with my partner there are plenty reasons i dont know why even if i m trying i cannot be we have some problems its not like idont like my partner but my partner thoughts are different than mine .. basically we are different mentality people..its more like ifeel at time we may end up fighting later because of different thinking..

i ve done twice istikara regarding about my partner before and after getting into relationship  .. and still i dont feel good after doing istikara i wanna leave my partner but i cant because i have no choice because people around me wont support me for this .. i dont know this unhappy feelings are from shaitaan but i dont feel good maybe because someone has done on us black magic..

i really want to be spearated  rather than crying later.. because  later the situations going to be more worse .. and i personally feel that it will be hard for me to adjust... because sometimes ifeel my partner tries to control me by saying islamic stuff.. well the matter of fact here is if i dont feel happy now about this relationship how can i be happy later & how can i make my partner happy .. and i know taking kulla is a big thing and its not a good thing either what option do i have because i dont feel happy to live this way.

unknownme


Tagged as: , , , , ,

14 Responses »

  1. Assalamolaium sister Unnownme ,

    First question you need to ask yourself is WHY ? Why you are not happy ?
    Is he alcoholic ,Abusive ,Cheater ,Lier ,Not a practicing muslim ,He don;t give you wife's rights as per Islam ?
    Or he don't have any of major problems but it is just because both of you thinks in different way and you don't find any excitement in the marriage .If that is the case I would suggest you to wait and give time .Marriage needs patience till both of you gets synchronized .

    Excitement ,Romance ,Glamour etc exists only in Movies ,stories and in real life you don't get all these .
    Real life is different from that fantasy world which people before marriage dreams of .

    Allah hafiz

  2. Assalaamualaikam

    It can take time for people to work out a balanced relationship and to develop the love and respect that should come with a marriage. Sometimes, people with extremely different outlooks on life can end up working very well as married couples, as their differences balance out the partnership - it may be that rather than working to overcome your differences, you and your husband might find it easier to work with them. For example, if he has an interest that you can't share, you could use the time to do something for yourself - learn a new skill, meet up with family, attend Islamic study classes...?

    If you have different views on how to manage day-to-day affairs such as household finances or keeping the house clean/habitable, then the two of you could come to a compromise that allows both of you to feel comfortable. Talk things through and see if you can find common ground?

    Differences of opinion on things such as politics or ethics can lead to disagreements, but this is not always a bad thing. Debates challenge us to rethink our viewpoints, find evidence and reflect on why we hold a particular opinion. So long as such discussions aren't getting personal or distressing, they can be a positive part of a healthy relationship.

    I think, though, that the questions you need to ask yourself are: "Do I respect him?"; "Do I want to be with him and work through the difficulties?"; "Is he a practising Muslim and does he give me my Islamic rights?". If the answer to these questions is "No", then that raises deeper issues than the two of you having different ways of thinking.

    If your husband treats you kindly and with respect, and is a practising Muslim man of good character, then my advice would be to give the marriage a serious try. You could think about the two of you attending relationship counselling, to inshaAllah improve your relationship with each other, or involving your parents to mediate in a discussion about the problems you've been having?

    Islamically, women have the right to request divorce for various reasons, including feeling that they and their partner are incompatible. But divorce is a big undertaking with significant consequences, so it may be worth exploring all the potential options before resorting to that.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  3. A salaam alikuim

    Brother and sisters
    the reason that I said above my partner controls me by keep saying Islamic stuff .And I can explain in brief in personal rather than in public because it's harder for me to state my personal matter over here any sister who can help me out an message in personal please will be preferable !

    • unknownme: the reason that I said above my partner controls me by keep saying Islamic stuff .And I can explain in brief in personal rather than in public because it's harder for me to state my personal matter over here any sister who can help me out an message in personal please will be preferable !

      No one knows who you are. Sharing anything as long as it does not identify you or your husband should not be a big deal. If you prefer a sister editors should allow you to talk to a sister of your choice. Good luck

      In a balanced marriage no one should try to control his/her spouse.

    • Assalaamualaikam

      When you say that he controls you by saying Islamic stuff, what kinds of things is he doing?

      The site is anonymous, so inshaAllah nobody should be able to recognise you - just don't include identifiable details (eg. don't mention specific places).

      A marriage needs to be built on respect and communication between both parties, so if you are feeling that these aren't there, it might help to go to marriage counselling, or to involve your families to see if the situation can be improved.

      Midnightmoon
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

  4. As-salamu alaykum sister,

    It's difficult for us to advise you because you have not told us what exactly are the difficulties or problems between you and your husband.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  5. Well I don't like the fact that I should wear naqab while on the other hand my partner forces me and tells me if I don't wear it my partner will not marry me in future , if u did not wear it ... I told my partner many times that u can't force me on things which I don't wanna do it ... If I ever wanna wear I will wear from my heart and if u force I won't be happy to do... My partner is like if u did not wear it I won't be happy ... And this always kills me from inside .. I ve sacrificed many things for my partner and for such small things .. My partner says that I m modern while I pray regularly and pray tahajud to And read Quran sometimes I really don't know what to do please need serious advice in this matter ? Really I don't feel happy from inside about this relationship .. I don't feel like talking to my partner or share anything because whatever I do or think my partner doesn't like it and thinks I m modern but I don't do anything that is something against in our islam and my partner says if there is anything about my religion that I m telling u I m not gonna comprimse in that which is the naqab here .. And I feel my partner only tells me to follow the islamic rules on the other hand I feel my partner doesn't do . I ve read somewhere that islam is really easy only if u accept from ur heart which I do Alhumdulilah but seriously is naqab really important. I heard it's just sunnah but wearing hijab and covering the shape of ur body is imp and that is farz . My partner also said if in future if u don't want to do something which I want u to do which u don't like I will force u like on islamic matters. An advice please ?

    • Assalaamualaikam

      Your partner's behaviour sounds concerning - he does seem rather controlling, and his comment about forcing you to do things in the future suggests he doesn't intend to change this voluntarily.

      Hijab/Niqab/etc. are an area in which many opinions are held, but a difference of opinion does not mean your husband has the right to force you to wear niqab if you don't want to, any more than it would give him the right to force you to take it off if you wanted to wear it. The problem I see here isn't the difference of opinion, it's how he's approaching it - his controlling approach is disrespectful and not befitting a Muslim man; if he has a concern about your practice of Islam, he could discuss this with you and put his point of view across, but he shouldn't force you into things.

      My advice would be to involve your families, explain your concerns (his controlling behaviour, his threats to force you to do things in the future), and discuss with him and them about what to do next. If you feel he is, underneath this, a decent and practising Muslim, then it would be worth trying some relationship counselling. But if not, then you may wish to consider whether or not you feel divorce would be preferable for you - divorce is not something that should be undertaken lightly, but it is permissible so that couples can separate rather than remaining together unhappily, if their problems are irreconcilable.

      Make sure you are praying regularly, and before making any big decision, pray istikhara - trust in Allah to guide you to what is best for you.

      Midnightmoon
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

    • unknownme: Alhumdulilah but seriously is naqab really important. I heard it's just sunnah but wearing hijab and covering the shape of ur body is imp and that is farz . My partner also said if in future if u don't want to do something which I want u to do which u don't like I will force u like on islamic matters

      You guys even don't live together, but you have started arguing about things that you don't agree on.

      When do you plan to live together? Why don't you live together?

      Do women in your husbands family wear niqab? Did your husband give you a reason you he wants you to wear a niqab? What country you both live in?

      Ask him in a non-serious way what Islamic matters he will force upon you? Don't get upset by his answer(s).

      • Dear sister ,

        What is wrong with your husband telling you to wear Hijab ?Nothing wrong here . I am not sure you are arguing for only Niqab part and not a general Hijab(Covering whole body) .At least a muslim woman should follow a general Hijab(Niqaab part is little controversial)

        Marriage comes with loss of freedom on both the sides and it depends on you what you call it as Controlling .
        Before marriage you should have told him that you are not much religious woman and don't want to follow lot of good things also .
        If you go for much liberal man after the divorce you might still end up in issues but of .different types .
        Staying apart also makes relationship weaker .

        Your statement" I will follow only if my heart says" sounds good in some scenarios only and not for all cases . Say if you say in future you will indulge in extra marital affair and will say you will come out only if my heart says to come out of it Else will continue ?

        Allah hafiz

  6. OP: Really I don't feel happy from inside about this relationship .. I don't feel like talking to my partner or share anything because whatever I do or think my partner doesn't like it and thinks I m modern but I don't do anything that is something against in our islam

    Well a woman can do bad things even if she wears a niqab or burqa. Seems like your partner does not trust you. He wants to control you using religion. If you are not married to him, don't marry him.

    Does your partner lower his gaze when he comes across other women?

  7. Excatly even I feel the same my partner controls me using relgion but I never force my partner for anything. Only for praying regularly. Which my partner not used to pray . I don't. Know why. But I really don't feel good about this relationship the way my partner forces me and the way my partner tells me even in future. May force me to do islamic. Stuff. While on the other hand i feel my partner doesnt apply or follow to do so forhimself just tells me. And I don't knowif he lower his gaze. Whenever I discuss this matter to the person whom I trust. They tell me that u have. An eye in ur relationship but they're not getting what I m trying to say. They be like read duas and all I really dont know wht to do?

  8. OP: i dont know this unhappy feelings are from shaitaan but i dont feel good maybe because someone has done on us black magic........

    How was your life before you got married? Did you feel happy in the beginning of your marriage? Do you work? What makes you happy?

    It appears you 2 are not doing activities that bring joy in your life. Fighting & controlling is the main activity.
    Have you thought about going for marriage counselling?

  9. Well we haven't stayed together we just got nikkahed that's it basically we just talk. What makes me happy is I just want my partner to understand me and not to force me or show any dominating nature on me. I seriously can't go for any counselling because we live far apart that's why I wanna seek help from a islamic website online for advice . Because I don't feel good being unhappy and I m the type of person that I don't really like hurting anyone because it gives me pain . But I don't want anyone to force me on things which I don't want to do. Even I have my opinions. I try to make my partner understand from every way .. But it eventually turns up into something called arguement. And I don't wanna involve anyone into my problems because I don't wanna give anyone pain. Which my heart is going through.

Leave a Response

Cancel Reply