After 22 years of mutual cheating, is this marriage still valid?
I would appreciate if some one can please answer for this question. couple got married about 21, 22 years ago, who were cousins as well.
to start off with they were ok, had 2 kids but after few years relationship started to shatter. when husband got to know that wife was seeing some other man, she even got caught red handed but she got rid of them taps, what were evidence of her adultry.
husband couldnt do anything at that time because his family wouldnt believe on him because she is close cousin and family will kick off to hear that so husband kept quite and astrayed, hited the streets, wrong paths, womens and etc etc, he even moved out few times from the house but family forced him back in he house with wife.
and wife started to cover herself from head to toe just to prove herself innocent and improved in her eyes also same time wife was doing the same and got pregnant from somebody who she was seeing. husband gave his name to child, wife was apologising and asking for another chance for their relationship also wife kept on saying that baby is yours.
after her asking for another chance for them, them two started to get physical and wife got pregnant and this time husband knew its his baby, he loves kids and didnt want his kids to suffer any how so he just left it like that. from past 6 or 7 years husband wife do live under 1 roof but in 2 diffrent rooms, they hardly talk to each other, dont sleep with each other, husband cook, clean, wash, iron himself, wife dont have nothing to do with him other then he is money making machine who earns and pays bills fees and mortgages and cars.
husband is extremly devastated about the way everything is and want to know where does this marriage stand according to islamic law. because he has been told that them two are divorced by islamic law and he shouldnt be living there. but he wants to know where does this marrige stands? could you please help!
- biya
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First of all, who are you in this scenario? Are you the husband? Why is the whole story being presented in this impersonal third-person narrative as if you are only a bystander?
Secondly, why have the couple been told that they are divorced by Islamic law? I feel that there is some important information missing here. At some point during this odyssey of mutual betrayal and infidelity, did the husband declare divorce? Was the 'iddah completed? If so, and if the couple did not remarry, then yes they are divorced and should not be living together as man and wife.
You say the husband is devastated and wants to know where the marriage stands. Where does he want it to stand? If he wants to be divorced then let him declare a proper divorce and end it. What's the point of continuing a charade of a marriage where the couple don't speak to each other, probably don't trust each other, most likely don't love each other, and maybe don't even like each other? Life is too short to spend it with someone who doesn't love you, isn't faithful, and doesn't make you happy. And this couple's marriage has been a train wreck from the beginning.
On the other hand if there is still some vestige of love between them, and if they still want somehow to make their marriage work, then work on it! Go to a marriage counselor, speak to each other, forgive each other, and start over again.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
many thanks for answer. well you sounded really concerned who i am in the whole scenario... i am their cousin and i know story of both sides and get to hear everyday. husband crys and crys over it and still na sure what to do? you are rite its up to him where to make this marriage stand!
no, they never divorced each other. they been told they are islamicly divorced because they didnt have no couple relationship from years. hw much is it true... dont know!
I agree with you completly that whats the use of continuing playing charade of marriage and being married when there aint no love, trust, faith, communication or anything... pure charade!
many thanks anyway.
The husband earns and the husband does his own chores. The husband doesn't sleep in the same room. Sao the only concern is the children. I'm afraid it's a no brainer, you can see your children and you can still have interaction. Divorce this woman is the advice I give so that the husband may be with a loyal wife.
many thanks for your reply. even though you are divorced but still cn fulfill your duties towards kids, its matter of knowing the right way to do it. and i hope and pray that poor man could get out from this mess.
Its hard to describe this mans wife in any nice context, and well im shocked and bemused at her lack of respect for her family, her husband and most of all Allah and her religion.
Adultery is a massive sin, it is one which will bring many curses on the person and especially when done continually with no remorse or shame, its a serious issue, and whoever this women is she is in the wrong and needs telling !!
As for the husband, while having a extremely big heart which is hard to come by in this day and age, has been hurt and used like a plank, its sad and you hear stories of abusive men and those who are firm with their wives, them wives pray for husbands like this man, yet this women neglected his big heart and merely turned it against him, his pain is unworded and he more than anyone deserves a loving wife.
This is going nowhere, who to blame? well i dont know but im asian and with most cousin marriages in my culture i have witnessed its been a case of emotionally arranged/forced rather than by choice, and so driving a faulty car on a motorway knowing its going to break down isnt the wiseist idea, but apart from that its been a long time, and this man and woman are at a age of hard return(difficult to find a new spouse), and so he must make his move quickly and decide what to do.
The marriage is still valid.. can it be repaired well of course it can, but the woman has to make some serious commitments since a relationship is never based on sex but a whole lot more, and i dont get why she would ask for another chance and then refuse to be a wife.. his rights are being ignored and she is gettin cursed...
I have over answered your question, but it is a issue i feel strong about and so i share my view, may Allah guide them both to what is right, insha'Allah.
Let's not put all the blame on the wife and overlook the conduct of the husband. It's obvious that the person who posed this question is predisposed toward the husband. The wife's conduct is described in detail, while the husband's behavior is merely alluded to:
"husband kept quite and astrayed, hited the streets, wrong paths, womens and etc etc, he even moved out few times..."
I wonder how much misconduct is included within the offhand phrase, "womens and etc etc". Which wrong paths did he follow? When he moved out, who did he move in with?
I don't need to know the details. I'm just pointing out that there are two sides to every story and it's wrong to place all the blame on the wife in this scenario.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
well thank you for your reply once again.
you seem to have really serious issues with this man and i seriously wonder why? you are replying as if its personal to you. what shouldnt happen on this plate form, we only tell each other what we know, nothing to get personal about and talk about misconduct informations... there isnt any missing.
thanks anyway.
There is nothing personal about this as you have already told everyone this problem and especially on web where everyone goes into. I agree with brother Wael there is two side to every story, it takes two hands to clap same way it tales two people to make a problem like this and I think something is missing and I know its not my place to say but you asked for help and brother wael was trying to help.....
Thanks for your ans. yea i agree there are always two side of story and we do need two hands to clap and two people to create problem like this, i completly agree! you are right that this problem on web where anybody can see this, whatever been put on its all from husbands mum consent, poor woman is dieing with cancer in hospital and concern about her son. she can read it all but she isnt familiar with computers so she asks me to do it for her because im her niece as well as daughter in law. mum was really upset yesterday reading that review. i appreciate brother wael tried to help. i apologise if i hurt anybody. thanks anyway.
I think neither are to blame, but considering how much the man is doing at the moment, he is doing his wifes duties while also providing for her financially, a sign of a big hearted emotionally weak man you should agree. hence it was a common conclusion that the female is in the wrong moreso.
I am in agreement that his account is brief and unexplored, had he been in sexual contact with any women remains unknown, but i think its fair to say that laurel really met hardy in this one, in that if one partner commits a crime, the other will too just to level the odds almost and its a relationship that never really had a peak, rather a doomed contract for the last 2 decades, blame.. well that is from the arrangers above, hence the mention of him being forced to move back in, its almost like this marriage is being kept together for family pride rather than any genuine feeling, but i hope Allah guides them so that they can reach harmony among themselves insha'Allah.
Many thanks for your answer. i feel really bad for this man andi hope that Allah help him out from this.
you see we always get to know about women who are in these situation but there is another reality is that there are men out there who are suffering more then women but its pity that we dont believe that mens can be victim!
Thanks anyway.
Assalamoalykum warahamatullahi wabarakatuhu, Nahmaduhu wa nusalli ala rasulihil ameen amma baad,
FIRST AND FOREMOST YOU MUST ALL REMEMBER THAT THE PUNISHMENT OF ADULTERY IS DEATH AND FORNICATION ARE LASHES.
it is obligatory on every Muslim, man and woman, to keep away from this evil deed and the means leading to it, and to hasten into repentance to Allah from what has preceded of evil deeds,
Well the question here posed is whether the marriage is acceptable or not if the wife or husband commits adultery ? This kind of questions where posed to ALIFTA of Saudi arabia lots of times and the answer is this that
None of them will be unlawful to the other, but if one fell into such a sin, they are required to have sincere repentance to Allah (may He be Exalted and Glorified), maintain believe in Him and do good deeds. Sincere repentance is realized by giving up sins, regretting having committed it and determining sincerely not to return to them out of fearing Allah, glorifying Him, hoping for His Reward and fearing His Punishment. Allah (SWT) says,
O you who believe! Turn to Allâh with sincere repentance! and And all of you beg Allâh to forgive you all, O believers, that you may be successful .Besides, Zina (premarital sexual intercourse and/or adultery) is one of the most grievous unlawful acts and one of the major sins.
those committing Zina with doubling their punishment on the Day of Judgment and that they will remain in this punishment due to the gravity of their crime and the repulsiveness of their acts.
MAY ALLAH SWT PROTECS OUR MUSLIM AND MUSLIMAH FROM ALL SORTS OF VICE AND GUIDE THEM ALWAYS TO RIGHT PATH AMEEN.
Wa alaikum as salaam.Thanks alot for your answer. appreciate it.
Wallah this is insane. What an immature couple. They had no problem saying yes to a forced cousin marriage due to family pressures, no problem having two kids, and most digustingly no problem 'mutually cheating,' and living essentially independent of each other for two DECADES.
Do you realize that in I think all four madhabs a seperatation of 6 months itself is a cause for divorce?
Even if this marriage issue is solved, I'd be a lot more worried about how such a couple would fair in another marriage. Both partners have extreme maturing to go through before anything else
Normal Poster, do you have any constructive advice to add?
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
WS I think my advice and perspective are very constructive. I am trying to give this couple the perspective of how seriously ill their relationship is by putting into perspective a 6 month seperation is cause for divorce let alone living two decades under the same roof with little or no interaction as a couple. If they cannot handle a marriage together they need to ask themselves why it went wrong and stand up for what they believe (if it wasn't a cousin marriage) instead of marrying each other, committing zina and then making a joke of their committment to Allah. The actions by both husband and wife in this situation show a poor understanding of their religion and their own needs. I would caution their marriage to another couple and instead give a chance for themselves to figure out where they went wrong and to see if it can continue...going into another marriage without seeing how clearly wrong both individuals in this situation were is just another failed marriage waiting to happen!
Thanks alot for your answer. you are right this is limit of immaturity and disgustingness. yea you are right this marriage is only because of familys pressure, nothing else. family and familys pride shouldnt get effected, anything else can go down the drain, no problem! anyway appreciate your reply.
Its such a sad indictment of our culture that two people are forced to stay together for 'pride' and family name. However I wish to point out this is not an anomaly, rather it is happening all too frequenly. When two people are forced to stay together in a horrid situation, despair sets in; this is by no means an excuse for their wrong behaviour. But when a person can see no way out, no happiness, affection, love or understanding from the one person who is meant to love & protect you it can & will go wrong. Families need to understand marriages do break down & it is more detrimental to children to see their parents behaving in an immoral manner rather than if they were divorced & behaving appropriately. Unless one goes through a situation where the entire family shuns you, you cannot begin to understand what this pressure & emotional blackmail can do to you. I hope they decide to do the right thing by Allah swt & their souls. I do not wish to judge either the husband or the wife as only they alone what is true or false in the above scenario but I can say that this situation is the most soul destroying of all. I am speaking from experience, 20years plus & it doesnt get easier, you try to have sabr & pray that perhaps things will change, perhaps I too will be happily married, perhaps I too will have someone who loves me...
Many thanks for your comments. i agree with you, its been happening alot, its just matter of getting to know such scenario. i completely agree that to deal with familys pressure and emotional and mental blackmail and threats is worcest thing what you can do to any one. thanks for your time anyway.
Im so sorry to hear that you are experiencing similar problem, i get to see it everyday and i know how painful it can be! may Allah makes it easier for you.