Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Moody and angry husband during Ramadan

muslim family

Ramadan should be a time when families come together

Assalamualaikum brothers and sisters!

I would like to know how to deal with extremely angry and short temper husband during Ramadan.

Me and my husband are both practicing Muslims who pray 5 times, fast and follow Islam.

My husband is generally loving and caring towards me. But every year during Ramadan, he behaves like a monster.

I mean he's moody all day long while fasting. He has zero tolerance and he keeps on complaining about everything, blames people around him (especially me and our 3 years old son are the usual victims, though he is nice to strangers) and even he doesn't want to do his routine work.

He picks a fight with me for no reason and he verbally abuses me all kinds of words and insults the moment he sees my face even though I have done nothing to deserve this.

I'm 27 weeks pregnant right now and we have a 3 years old son. He sometimes lashes out on our son too. But he targets me most of the time to the point that, I have to stay away from him so as not to give him a chance to verbally abuse me.Whenever I'm near him like fixing something in kitchen or doing something, he wouuld slam the door angrily at me, and he would purposely yell angrily at our 3 years old son or drag his hand violently until he cries very badly. I usually protects our son and my husband sometimes bullies our son just to make me angry or starts the fight with me even if I am trying to remain peaceful to avoid fighting (as you know I'm pregnant).

Even if I'm just sitting on my own, he would start insulting me angrily just because he's tired from fasting. Seems like he wants to just sleep the whole day without doing anything. Even if he is doing something, he's slamming at things, knocking things loudly purposely to show his anger.

When he drives, he drives racklessly and I have to hold on for my life. He drives like  a mad man which makes me scared and feel unsafe for my and my son's life and my unborn baby in my belly. When I tell him to drive carefully, he gets angrier and nastier at me and yells at me.
I told him that this is not a way to behave when you are fasting and you should have more sabr. He behaves like as if he hates to even see the sight of me.
And makes me cry atleast 10 times since yesterday (1st day of ramadan).

I'm now just locking myself up in a room coz I can't deal with his verbal abuse. I can't do anything right apparently.
He doesn't bother about his unborn child in my tummy at all.
And my pregnancy hasn't been easy either. I'm suffering from migraine everyday and constant itchiness all over my body and at the same time working full time, and now I have to deal with the way he treats me.  Please give me ideas to have more patience and how to deal with him. So far I have been so much patient with him and I could sense that could result in a meltdown and I'll snap soon when I can't take anymore.

I'm not sure why he's fasting if he can't control his mood and emotions.. Just before Ramadan started, we were fine and he was all smiley, lovey towards me.
He was like this too last year Ramadan.

sf2015

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27 Responses »

  1. Assalamo alaikum and Ramzan Mubarak,
    I was wondering, does his mood improve after aftar? Or does it generally stay the same 24/7 all throughout Ramadan? Some people simply cannot tolerate hunger, combined with the fact that Ramadan has been in increasingly hot weather for the last couple of years. It's like Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde.. I have seen some very generally affable people turn into raving monsters because of hunger. They simply cannot help it, specially those with generally hearty appetites.After they get something to eat, they are fine again. The best thing to do is to keep out of his way as much as possible when he is in this mood and try to keep your son away too. Whenever he is in a good and approachable mood, just calmly bring up this topic and tell him coolly without being aggressive, that his unreasonable behaviour is causing you a lot of stress which is not good for you, plus your unborn baby plus your little son.Since you mentioned he is otherwise caring and loving, I'm sure he will atleast make an attempt to control himself, next time during fasting. Good luck!

  2. Salam.
    I have a question regarding fast. does backbiting breaks fast? today I backbited my cousin by saying what she said and I said that why she pretend so much infront of us ( she kisses). she should act what she is in real..
    now I am regretting..
    should I apologize her directly? and what about fast ? should I fast again after Ramadan.?

    • Assalaamu Alaykum,

      Backbiting does not break a fast, to my understanding. Only consuming food/drink, menses, sexual intercourse/orgasm, and childbirth will break a fast. This is what I know, and I am not a scholar.

      -Amy
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. Does he smoke? Smokers have a really hard time during Ramadan. They kind of go through withdrawal.

    Your husband sounds like a family member of mine. Once ramadan is over he goes back to normal.

  4. Assalamu alaikum sister,

    It could be a good idea to involve an authoritative figure like his parents or big brothers whom he respects a lot or even it could be any moulana that he follows to talk to him and explain to him that his behaviour is causing problems to his other wise happy family. Tell him about the consequences that he might have to face. Like u or ur children may get hurt bad.

    Child abuse can be extremely nasty and could take a toll on the behaviour of the child. Try as much as you can to make ur son safe. Or you could even try staying at your parents for at least 3-4 days so that you could give him some alone time to think about it. Make him realize that his behaviour could also make an irreparable damage. Make him realize that he could lose u n ur children because of his anger(naouzubillah). Make as much dua as possible.

    May Allah(s.w.t) help you sister.

  5. Salam Sister,

    I am facing the exact same problem, my husband has been increadibly impatient with me, he has been very unloving and loses his anger quickly. He blames me for everything. The shortest thing can set him off. I either dont know what to do. Today I walked several miles as he left me and went home although he did offer to pick me up. I am not pregnant but I hear your pain.

    Every night I am going to sleep crying, and this relationship is getting me down, its been hell in ramadan - after I spoke to him he says its every ramadan he has been this way. But last year was not this bad, he has been a nightmare to deal with.

    I cant go to my parents either because they dont allow me in the house without him, and I get depressed there but I have suggested that I am moving to a hotel. I cant help you much because I am in the same situation and I too need help on this matter very badly.

    I hope things get better xxx

    • Sister I hear you....Iam facing the same difficulty with my husband even out of Ramadan time. It is difficult to deal with a husband who acts out like this. Iam being blamed for everything and he doesn't spent no time at all with our daughter which makes me sad. He thinks he is always right and anything small can trigger him. He does not respect my parents as such he doe not respect me as well. However, the thing that annoys me the most is that we merged our love in a love marriage and it went pretty well up until lately. I go to sleep crying every day since I remember and he doesn't bother what the reason is. If we go into a fight he doesn't make any effort to approach me afterwards but instead keeps mad ( Iam usually the one who approaches him).
      I don't know what Iam suppose to do and sad and weak.

      • Wow I'm going through this with my boyfriend and everything was good before Ramadan but these last couple of days he literally ignored me for no reason and he still haven't hit me back up. When he's at work he talks cool to others but not me. I'm lost....I didn't do anything to him.

  6. Salam Alaikum sister..I am in the same situation..I am 36 weeks pregnant and we have a two year old..unfortunately I have no one to go to because his family is not Muslim..my family would say get a divorce. I can't even express myself on paper or in voice because how I FEEL is a lie or it's wrong somehow.NO this is how I feel..

    .Wallahy my marriage has became a living nightmare and I'm not even sure if I want to stay married to this man anymore..I have no idea what I married?? Why be married to another human being just to treat them like garbage??? I'm crying tears sooo hard because I actually love him and it's very sad because it's apparent something is wrong with my spouse.....I realized; you can't love another human being if he has no respect for you and the fact you are bringing his children in this world..these type of men are plain selfish..I have not really seen or ran into these selfish type men..my husband threatens to leave me and take the "boys" ALL the time..he puts me down he makes me feel like I'm useless..he talks very bad about women in general...our house we live in is my parents house and he treats me like garbage..he made the comment that my two other children from my previous marriage are not allowed in " his house"...my husband doesn't pay any bills in "my parents house"...he has been very physical abusive to me since we have been married of five years..Ramadan is finally here and he still is a mad man..when he gets mad he stomps loudly throughout the house slamming kitchen cabinets screaming loudly..blames me and our son for EVERYTHING..He sits and talks to himself backbiting me his wife..calls me terrible names to my face and behind my back..sister we are pregnant Allah answers our duaas ALHUMDALLAH...I tell him all the time if staying married to me is making you this miserable he can leave, but he never does because he has nothing to go to..And he rather wants to stay under my parents house and make me miserable everyday..go to Allah he will help us..I know he will..

    I know this post is a year old, but anyone that is going through this now make duaa to Allah to change the situation..this is not good Islamic behavior that children should witness..Allah will pan out what ur future holds..Ramadan Kareem

  7. Good evening sisters,
    I have been married for four years, and this is our fourth Ramadan together. My husband is a smoker, and every Ramadan he turns into an evil monster. After iftor he usually becomes normal again, unless I have retaliated, then he is stuck in a sulk which can last for a week or more. We have had physical fights before - I can only take so much before I lose my head...the year before last was the worst, I was newly pregnant, emotional, tired and vulnerable, and he heard me laughing on the phone with a girlfriend. He assumed it was a man (he looks for any excuse for conflict - his ability to find a reason for conflict is frightening, like a psychopath, he can imagine anything and say anything)...for three days he slammed doors, refused to eat my food, ranted at me and insulted me and my family, filled the house with black rage...finally he stabbed his finger in my face and chest and screamed at top volume that I am a bitch, a whore, a liar, and more things I am too ashamed to type. I snapped and slapped him, twice. He punched me, and I called the police because I was terrified. I nearly wet myself I was so scared.
    Last year I had a tiny baby, and he began again, looking for any pretext to start an argument. I took my baby to my grandparents' empty house for a week. He sent perhaps 20 texts a day, telling me I'm a bitch, I need to go to a mental hospital, I 'stole' his baby etc. He threatened to come and take my baby away. I locked myself in the house. My problem is that even when I'm terrified I still feel angry that I'm being abused, and I can't just keep quiet and make a calm escape.
    This year, before Ramadan started, I told him 'if you are insane again, I will go to stay with my family'. I made it clear it's not to punish him, and tried to tease him about how horrible he is. When he's not fasting he's embarrassed and understanding, and agrees that I should just avoid him during the fast and leave if it gets too much. But once he starts the fast, he has no reason. He's literally like a demented psycho. It is only Day 2 of this year and he has been looking for trouble the whole time. I'm trying to stay in a different room, but I shake and tense up every time he comes near. I am keeping a bit of cash aside in case I need train fare, and telling myself to keep a cool head.
    If you are afraid, you shouldn't be. We need all our energy for fasting ourselves, and for taking care of our little ones. They understand and feel frightened even if they can't understand the words. They shouldn't be exposed to that, they are innocent. My only advice would be to go and stay somewhere else if you can. Explain to your husband after iftor, or in a letter if you are scared of his reaction. Get away. The only solution. Especially if you are pregnant! The baby matters more than anything. And if he's like that even when it's not Ramadan, you need to ask yourself some heavy questions, and be honest about what you want for your family.
    Saha iftor and God keep you safe,

    • SubhanAllah, doesn't he understand that there is no point in fasting if it makes him behave this way? One of the goals of Ramadan is to teach us taqwa and instill good behavior. We learn to be patient, control our temper, etc. We are supposed to come out of it better than we went in. Allah has no need of the hunger and thirst of a man who is abusive while fasting. How ridiculous.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Salaam Wael,
        Thank you for this reply. God bless you for being so understanding. When I have felt lonely, I have looked at websites to try and find some advice. Too often, the answer is 'avoid provoking him'. This is good advice if the situation is an argument between two equals. But I feel as though the person who writes this sort of thing does not understand that that is what I'm doing already. Even silence is enough to irritate my husband sometimes. When he wants conflict he will come into the room that I am in and start 'looking' for something (which I must have lost/misplaced/borrowed...), or he will ask me questions about why I am quiet until he gets a slightly impatient response, and then he jumps into a rage. Even if I leave the room when he's shouting, he will continue by talking about me sarcastically in the third person, eg. 'she wants to be a good mother but she can't even do such and such'...I do not have the strength to restrain myself sometimes, even though I know it is stupid to respond. I was not brought up to accept this from another person. If my father were alive he would be outraged. He was not a perfect person either, but he knew it was low behavior to bully women. Usually, my husband and I are well-matched. We are both hot-headed and stubborn, and we balance one another. I am too spontaneous and passionate and he is too inflexible and cautious. We have terrible arguments but we regret it and forgive one another. I believe we have learnt some good lessons from each other. But Ramadan is a time of fear for me. I dread it all year. It is a lonely time, because my family are Christian and do not understand. His family are far away, and in any case, his mother is often his worst enemy because she helps him to think of himself as a 'victim'. His father is a better ally, because he is a very strict Muslim and isn't soft on his son. I always know when my husband has spoken to his father because he is more respectful and considerate of me. But I do not have a relationship with his father, and there is no way I can go to him and say 'your son is a nightmare, please speak to him'.
        Sorry for my long post. It is a relief to find I'm not alone. To all the other ladies on the forum, I wish you strength. Let's focus on our babies, try and preserve their purity and innocence, and not waste tears on the undeserving behavior of irritable, rude husbands.

      • Salam Wael,

        It may be that he goes through withdrawal from not smoking.

        • Maybe, but that does not excuse his behavior. He is gaining nothing from Ramadan and is destroying what should be a positive experience for the family.

          Wael
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • Salam,

            I probably should've elaborated. If nicotine withdrawal is the root cause for him then perhaps he will be more hospitable with a nicotine patch. I don't know how legal it is to use one during Ramadan but these people seem to think it's permissible:

            https://islamqa.info/en/103523

      • im In a similar situation with my husband. He’s generally nice and loving most of the time but in Ramadan he loses it at the drop of a dime. For instance If he can’t find something he lashes out on me or if the meal I’m preparing isn’t done in time for breaking the fast he gets very upset and just short tempered and even just now accused me of giving him a fake smile even tho I didn’t. And I am pregnant and also have 1 and 3 year old. And I am fasting and a convert and it’s hard to deal with him and it’s like my patience is being tested provoking me to get into argument with him. Is it best just to ignore him I try to respond in calm manner and i hold back not wanting to stoop to his level but when he keeps ranting it’s hard not to get upset. Ramadan should be peaceful and loving time but during Ramadan at times I feel like I am having to walk across a tightrope around him. My initial response when he lashes out is that I am fasting and it’s not appropriate the way u r speaking to me . He seems not to be phased and ignores my response. Perhaps we should just kill them with kindness 😉

        • I don't have an easy answer for you. If the reminder that you and he are fasting does not do anything or does not affect him, then it sounds like the taqwa is not there and he is only going through the motions for the sake of culture. Because if someone truly has taqwa and is fasting to seek Allah's pleasure, then they must understand that such angry behavior invalidates the fast. One of the challenges of fasting is to deal with the weariness and hunger without becoming irritated. You should definitely not stoop to his level, however, partly because it won't help, and partly because you don't want to ruin your own fast.

          Sometimes this negative behavior is the result of either caffeine or nicotine withdrawal. Smokers and heavy coffee drinkers have a hard time with Ramadan because they experience actual physical symptoms of withdrawal, such as headache, nausea, irritability, lack of energy, etc. For such people fasting is a difficult challenge. It's best if they taper off before Ramadan starts. Not quit necessarily, but get it down to a tolerable, non-addictive level.

          Wael
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  8. Its hard to cop sis im in sane boat like you

  9. I find it ridiculous and hypocritical that article after article and forum after forum make nothing but excuses and give advice on how to please the husband and calm his erratic behavior during ramadan. Ramadan is a month of reflection repenting and sacrifice not for the purpose of acting out of control beligerant and abusive no matter it's form and this behavior is unacceptable.

    My husband has walked out mid ramadan because I have an incurable chronic illness and cannot be exposed to heat therefore cannot sit at the family home in 110 degree weather with no AC.

    I searched about this and all I find are disgusting posts and articles on how to please the man!!!!!!

    Where are the women's rights and honor? I am so sick of it all

    • I quite agree. There's no doubt that these husbands' behavior during Ramadan is unacceptable. As I said in response to someone else, Ramadan is supposed to teach sabr and taqwa. These men are completely missing the point. Allah does not need their hunger and thirst if they cannot control their behavior.

      When it comes to solutions, however, I see only two:

      * Try to figure out why the husband acts this way in Ramadan and see what can be done to calm him down.

      * Leave the house during Ramadan and go live with your parents or someone else.

      Most likely what's going on with these men is caffeine withdrawal or smoking withdrawal. That does NOT excuse their behavior, which is absolutely haram and outrageous. But perhaps if they cut back gradually in the month leading to Ramadan, it would not be so bad.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  10. Salaam sister..

    So sad to read this I hope he changes or it's just going to stress you out every year! My husband is moody and annoying all year round its driving me mad I wish I had sabr but I guess me still being with him says I have a little but we fight all the time my son who is 3 MashaAllah is so scared to stay here he lives with my mum and refuses to come stay with me coz mummy and daddy fight all the time!!! So sad but true I'm just waiting for both my kids to be in full time education so I can get a job and leave with my kids with out my husband! He pays bills and rent like he's doing me a favor I have go hear it all the time I pay for food and clothes for us all I have stopped for him now as Im. Not working anymore.. He's rude and will never change I feel upset and alone all the time I was better off alone but I made a mistake.. He was so horrible in my pregnancy I had both kids early my blood pressure was to high and he didn't care at all.. I could go on for ever but he's not going to change.. If he is good to you all year except that month then try and go to your family house for Ramadan or talk to him before Ramadan starts.. I hope InshaAllah he changes its not easy especially once you have kids.. Xxx

  11. My husband is really mean, too, no matter what. In a month where it should be caring, loving, kind, charitable, he is tha absolute opposite in my family. It makes me sad. God be with you.

  12. Salam,
    Unfortunately, I'm one of those husbands. Every Ramadhan, I will become a totally different person. I will become moody and angry for no reason. Every little things will get stuck in my head and I don't know how it gets there and how to let it go. Those little things can be small issues from many years back that have already been resolved. Even after Iftar, it doesn't go away. It's very hard to contain this pent up anger inside.I have even confined myself in a small room for 3 days straight to reflect but to no avail.

    But Alhamdulillah, so far I can control the abusive part though sometimes I lash out verbally at my wife. I can sense that I've hurt her feelings but I just couldn't control it. I regretted it after but then I will do it again.

    I assume this is due to a combination of lack of food and sleep. And I have even thought of making dua to Allah for HIS understanding... to forgive me if I don't fast anymore from next year onwards because of this. I have a feeling that my Ramadhan is useless and I will not gain anything at all, except hunger and thirst. I'm not becoming a better person from fasting but worse. Maybe I'll just skip Ramadhan altogether and replace it by feeding the poor.

    • To AnonMy -

      It was very ethical and just of you to explain your side as one of the husbands that behave this way during Ramadan. It was refreshing to read how you are feeling, why, the way in which you have treated your wife, your lack of self control and more. I agree that if Ramadan does not make you a better person and instead, turning you into an abusive husband, you should do away with it and find something more productive and meaningful to do during that time

      As for me, I am not Muslim, but my supervisor is. Over the last few weeks, she has suddenly become very curt with me and I was trying to figure out what had gone awry. I actually starting searching how people behaved or were affected by Ramadan and was surprised to see that it really makes most who follow, very miserable, angry, hard to deal with, abusive, mean people.

      I was going to ask her is something was wrong, but I think I might wait it out. I think that I would just appreciate if she were to say something to me, IF this is the case. If she were to express that she is not in the best of moods because she is fasting, I am a reasonable and well-read person - I would understand and know what to expect. I still might have to say something at some point because I cannot imagine having to deal with this type of change in attitude and behavior every Ramadan.

      What I am concerned about is that she will become irrational and unreasonable - and fire me for no reason.

      What say the community about dealing with supervisors who are treating their employees terribly during Ramadan?

      Thank you in advance.

  13. Omg my husband is the same exact way - I mean I think yours might be a bit more “hangry” but mine has short temper, blames me for everything, impatient with the children I can’t do this for the next 30 days I can’t and it’s every year but when I confront him he just says “ well don’t do anything to piss me off, why do you act the way you do etc etc “ I can’t good luck to both of us

  14. No husband has a right to abuse his wife or child or anyone for that matter. It isn’t you that should be keeping away, it’s him!

    Regardless of what excuse he gives, he has no reason to make you feel unsafe especially during a pregnancy. What if the child is mentally or physically affected? Just because daddy’s hungry and didn’t get his cigarette?

    Speak to any woman’s charity our helpline and they will instantly classify what you’re going through as abuse. When he’s in a more amicable mood be firm-he either stops his disgusting behaviour or you will report it.

    I know this post is old but looking at the responses here this seems to be a common problem. Suggesting a brother or male relative will not solve the problem-what if you don’t have that support? get the authorities involved-no one wants to end up in a police cell during Ramadan.

    Not many people are happy during Ramadan due to the extra efforts made but that is no reason at all to make anyone feel unsafe. That’s not what religion is for.

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