Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband says he “light flirts.”

Asalaamualikum,

I want an advice... I hope this brings peace in my life!

I have been married since past 4 years now. Let me just tell you it was a love marriage. Right after 6 months of my marriage he cheated on me. I do give him space so that he can live a little bit open but I think it’s eating me up! It’s getting out of hand! He just keep chatting with other girls, saying it’s "light flirt."

Every guy does it but deep inside it breaks me how can you flirt with other girls. I try everything. I dress well, I cook for him, yet he wants to chat with another girl! When I find out, he says it was just a "light flirt."

It is killing me from inside. Guide me what should I do. How should I keep him busy with me? I feel useless and that I'm not worth anything to him in life.

I am just getting depressed day by day help me please!

Sister 

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4 Responses »

  1. Wa alaikum salaam, sister.

    There is a saying that we teach others how we want to be treated. When you learned your husband was unfaithful to you, you indirectly let him know that his haram behavior would be tolerated.

    It is not your fault that your husband is an adulterer. You are not responsible for his unIslamic conduct.

    There is no such thing as a light flirt in Islam. The Quran is quite clear when Allah tells the believers, particularly men, to lower their gaze. And if glances and words are taking place between your husband and other women, your husband is 100% wrong. You should not tolerate it, accept it or makes excuses for his behavior. By doing so, your husband is being told that his behavior is ok. He is actually treating you and your marriage like some kind of game or something that he does not take seriously. Your own self-esteem has been reduced.

    Every guy does not do this. Stop making excuses for your immoral husband and start taking stock of your own emotional and mental health. It is certainly time for you to take your own marriage seriously, in that your might consider divorcing someone who has already cheated on you and actually admits to light flirting as if is something acceptable.

  2. Salaam Alakuim

    The question Isn't "What should you do about It", But rather, "Why you allow It"? What is causing this to happen now? Did you know this aspect about him prior to you marrying him? I can't tell you "what you should do", as I'm not the one that you're married too, nor am I your husband, nor am I you, but only you should know what you should do (As this pertains to your life, your happiness, your self-confidence) Not only as a women but as a human being (Understand what I'm saying). Nobody likes being mistreated and nobody likes being played or made to look like a fool, and certainly nobody likes feeling "As If they're the only ones contributing to the marriage/relationship/partnership/ and etc (Yet It does happen), now when these events occur, our "Inaction" or rather "Action" Is an Indicator to "What yourself worth Is to you". Now If the person that's doing It sees you as "Accepting It", than to them "They may see It as a means to push the boundaries even further" (Again, my personal view point on this subject matter). Now again It may be that "Your husband Is doing this all as a means to make you Jealous" or It may be because "You yourself did something In the past" (I mean, It's possible).

    Exactly as to what you should do, In this Instance to "Win him back", I can't say, but If you're "Already thinking you lost, prior to you even trying", than Isn't that a "You" problem rather than a "Him" problem (As you already have It In your mind that you lost and that you can't win him back)? What i'm trying to say to you sister Is this, "If you think you've lost your husband", or you think "you're not sexy enough for your husband", or far sexier than the ( females) he's talking to, than you already set yourself up to be a "Loser" or on the defeated side and that's only gonna project on your "Mental psyche" and "ooze negativity on your body" as you're constantly thinking abut you having lost "Your husband".

    I can't say do this or that as every marriage Is different and each marriage has Issues (That's life and part of marriage), but what I will say Is you need to first "Believe that you're a winner" and that "Your Husband Is your Husband", than remember "What Is was that drew him to you In the first place" and have an honest talk with your husband In-regards to how you feel, and how this Is Impacting you, and Just "Talk to him"

  3. Sister it was only a love marriage from your side. Someone who claims to be in love will not go and betray. Love carries weight, you don't go about and cheat on someone you love. You don't disrespect someone you love. The guy is there talking to other girls infront of you and you're perfectly fine with that?? That's quite alarming. There is a reason why you're telling your issue here. And not to a family member because you know what action they will take.

    A man doesn't go around flirting girls for fun. I challenge you. Go look at the all the girls he had "harmless fun" with, and please tell me that they're not similar in some way. If you don't see how this is wrong then go see a doctor since you might be colour blind clearly don't see red flags.

    And from religion point of view that is very haram. And you're the enabler so you will get the sin too. This is infidelity which is one of the worst sins because you're making something halal for you haram.

    Just break up with him before he kills your spirit, mentality and your body. Never know what he could have caught.

  4. Assalamualaykum Sister,

    You say that after 6 months of marriage he cheated on you, so it sounds like he couldn't maintain any semblance of "love" past the honeymoon period, which is more common than you may think. How exactly did he cheat that first time? Did he have sexual relations with another woman? You give him space to be "open," but there is no such thing as an "open marriage" is Islam, nor is there any "light flirting," as Roses mentions. You're either flirting or you're not.

    You write:

    "How should I keep him busy with me? I feel useless and that I'm not worth anything to him in life."

    In regards to the first part, you should not have to be his babysitter. He is a grown man and your husband no less, and he should want to spend his time with you out of his own will. You should not have to spend your energy keeping him occupied. If anything, it should be the other way around with him entertaining you. Secondly, it saddens me that you use the word "useless," as a wife isn't measured by her "usefulness." You are not just some household appliance to be used. You are Allah's creation to be loved, cared for, and respected.

    I think that you need to set firm boundaries with your husband and then follow through with consequences. The key here is to give realistic consequences, so that you are able to follow through. For example, don't say that you will "want a divorce if his behavior doesn't improve" if you are not willing to get a divorce. Be honest with yourself as to what your limits are, and then tell him. Communicate with him in no uncertain terms that you are feeling hurt by his behavior and will not tolerate it. There is no shame in saying that your feelings are hurt. It is honest.

    A caveat: It is likely that things will get worse before they get better, because people like him don't like their "freedom" taken away, or when you stand up for yourself. He will not like it at first, and may rebel, but don't give up or let this sway you. Hold your ground. You do need to teach him how to treat you, and this could take months or even years. Of course, only you know how much you can handle or whether or not you think any of this is even worth it.

    Also, if things still don't improve to your satisfaction, you could try couples therapy if he is willing.

    I'm sorry about the distress this is causing you. Inshallah things will improve soon. I hope that the advice in this thread has given you some ideas and if nothing else, some hope.

    Hugs,

    Nor
    IslamicAnswers

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