Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband wants a divorce, I don’t

divorced family with child, divorce couple with babyAsalam w alaikum my dear brothers and sisters.

I just want some reasonable advice just to ease the pain I’m feeling at the moment. I do pray my salat and Allah knows best.

So I have been in a relationship with my husband for 5 years in total, been married for 3 years however in long distance relationship. I would visit him occasionally each holiday term. I’m still a student and In my final years. I also have a 2 years old daughter with him that he does not see often.

I was engaged at 16 and married at 18 years to my mum's brother's son, my first cousin. We do get on. We never really had any abusive argument type of relation. My husband is a good person with good intentions. I’m a quite shy girl that minds her own business and very down to earth.

I recently went abroad to visit my husband in the summer. We spent a fairly good time, a bit of couple arguments over the smallest things. But in general my stay wasn’t that bad. So when I came back, my husband told me that he’s not happy with the relationship with me and wants to divorce me. I was shocked because I never imagined he would tell me this.

He told me he wants divorce because he does not feel love for me anymore and has no feelings. He has also mentioned the distance. And he said problems from my mum.

He mentions my mum because apparently she is interfering in our relationship and he thinks I’m going to be in my mum's control for the rest of my life.

He said to his mum apparently that I’m not wife material. Every time I go to Morocco I just sit down and do nothing. I don’t show him any efforts. This is in his mum's home.

Once I stayed with him separately in a rented house. Occasionally I would make him dinner and things and when he finds me out and not prepared anything he would say I’m not feeling like I’m in a home environment like a couple's house if you get what I mean.

From what his mum said I think he believes I’m not capable of having these “women duties”.

It’s not the case, I know how to carry the duties of a wife it’s just for some reasons I don’t know why I’m always feeling tired like not having any energy, which leaves me unmotivated to do anything and I just most of the time sleep or go out for a walk with my daughter.

I also for some reason feel moody when I’m with my husband especially when he complains at me for small things I get upset quickly and stay quiet and I don’t think he likes that either.

There is never any real communication in our relationship. what I mean by this no one every really shares there deep feelings with one another. He has never told me what he dislikes and likes about me or what I need to change about my character.

Maybe this is what also lead us to this decision.

I’m willing to change and be independent and show him that I am capable with my duties.

I tried talking to him but he says I’m never going to change. And he afraid of coming to the uk because there are going to be problems.

He has also said to me that I deserve someone else not him.

I asked him if I could live with you there in Morocco but he refused without a reason and said I don’t want you to come and you're not the type to live here.

He’s being selfish and just cares about his life only not about my daughter and I.

I tried and tried talking to him. But he doesn’t care. He stopped talking to me now for 2 months.

I don’t know what I can do other than I’m really not happy with this decision I don’t want my daughter growing without her father around.

- oceanblue

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3 Responses »

  1. I am so very sorry to read your situation dear. With all honesty I feel he may be interested in another woman. I could be wrong, but the fact that he will not bring you to Morocco with him speaks loud enough that he perhaps wants to be with someone else. Please don't be alarmed this is merely my hunch, I could very well be wrong.

    I would recommend confronting him again and demanding the truth. Tell him you want to work at this marriage and will do whatever it takes to save it. Ask him to speak up and let you know where you are not meeting his expectations. Sweetheart please know that all relationships have an expiration date, whether through divorce/separation or death, it all ends. Please do not let this bring you down. Allah is always with us and he sees all. I will never suggest to divorce, I myself have been working very hard at my marriage to save it, but know not all marriages need saving. Allah always has a better plan. Please give it your best shot again and if you feel he is not coming back or not wanting it to work out then best to leave it at that.

    May Allah bring peace in your heart and mind.


    • It doesn’t sound like he is interested in a another woman. His excuses are not that valid. I think he has made up his mind and lost interest in you and doesn’t care for his daughter. He clearly doesn’t want to be with you. I am sorry. It’s not your fault. The long distance relationship might have caused detrimental to your marriage. Why was there a long distance relationship to begin with? I hope he didn’t marry you to gain UK citizenship.

  2. Salam,

    Based on what you said:

    "I also for some reason feel moody when I’m with my husband especially when he complains at me for small things I get upset quickly and stay quiet and I don’t think he likes that either."

    Silent treatment is a predictor of divorce and is considered one of the four predictors of divorce by a guy named Gottman. In a future relationship I would recommend not doing this.

    Based on other things you said, he's looking for a house wife and you've showed him so far that you aren't one.

    Lastly, the long distance means and lack of communication means you two don't really share much. If you two aren't talking then there isn't much of a relationship. And given that you're not really what he's looking for he figured you'd do better with someone who is more into you. Good luck in your life, salam.

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