Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My wife met with a guy when home alone

suspicion 1



Dear Brothers and sisters. I need your help in complex scenario.

I am 35 years old male Pakistani and working in the company where we didn't have leave during Eid Days and currently posted in other city than my home city & live with family at my work place city.

I married to a woman that is pretty enough. Before marriage I never met her, met with their parents, Her father is religious and strict to Islam. About 3 months after marriage I came to know that she is bold and chat with her class fellow on phone. I asked her not to chat on phone with Na Mahram. and do not shake hand with Na Mahram but she continue with hand shaking but stopped calling her male friends.

After probing about her past. I came to know that before marriage when she was student one boy send her message most of the time that, he loved her a lot and he want a friendship with her. She talked once or twice with that guy but did not continue.

After three years passed when I have two children I arrange house maid girl to help her in the work. I left my family at my In-Laws house for Eid. After Eid when I came back my wife's mood was not good. I asked from my house maid about her in absence of her. She said once there was no-one at home at my In-Laws' house, a man came in the house and spend one hour with my wife alone in Drawing Room. After that my wife continue talking with that man when I left for the office.

Her behavior with me is very disgraceful and abusive even there is a little issue. Further to this she bought a mobile sim at her name and didn't use my purchased sim because I checked call history of her sim. I than bugged my home and listen that she was talking with that guy but chat was not clearly listened.

Now I am very much disturbed and seek your opinion that about this matter. Dear Muslim Brothers and sisters I beg that please guide me, my mind is not working. I need your consent.



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18 Responses »

  1. Wailekum asalam.
    I am always hearing about these stories abiut girls / wife and before marridge they were from a strict religious family. Why is this that majoriry of wimen who fall in this situation are from these families and their families insist that their children are the best and pure.

    Your wife should know better not to be talking to other men and if she was in love with someone else why she agreed to marry you.
    seems like she has no respect for you as her husband.

  2. Dear brother,

    Hard to hear that you are going through a tough situation. Brother give her a last and final warning that if she still continue talking with other men you will not tolerate this anymore. It is haraam.
    Ask an elder pious woman to tell her that she is pouring hell fire on herself. Ask her to explain in a islamic way about this haraam thing she is doing that will make her family life shattered into pieces.
    Keep an eye on her.
    There is no need to be with an unfaithful wife and spend your life with her.
    Why does she married you if she has to do all this. Talk to her and ask her who was the person that day. And make her promise if she does it again you will leave her and do a second marriage.
    If she is faithful to you she will try to resolve this issue at first priority.
    Get a hidden cam placed and track her when she goes out.
    Make sure you are not making a mistake by considering the maid's words. She might be wrong. But if you find that your wife is cheating on you give her time to be on taqwa if she still continues then leave her and do a second nikah.
    Do not waste your time thinking that she might change. Just give her a last chance.
    If she still continues to be on chat and dating other men after your final warning and you have all the proofs then leave her. There's no hope.

  3. Dear Brother

    It is your right to ask your wife not to be bold in front of non-mahram.

    But she might be feeling that she is forced to become a person, which she is not. That is a clash of personalities(your(Religious) and she (non religious)). It appears that she believes that you have placed her in a restrictive environment, in which she is feeling as a prisoner.

    I suggest you following

    1. Stop spying on your wife. These things destroy trust both ways.

    2. Ease restrictions on her. She is raised in a culture, where casual chats with non mahram friends is
    normal. I think that you should allow her chat with non mahram friends but only in your presence.
    Make her understand that family comes above friendship.

    3. Arrange your meetings with a psychologist. They will guide you how to balance martial life of two
    persons having conflicting personalities better than us.

    You have to eliminate her feeling of being trapped in a prison formed due to clash of personalities.

    • Great Bro, really great answer, i have seen many answers but yours is more realistic and more helpful as human being. so many people are not knowing that women also have some feelings. just because of marriage it does not mean she is granted to husband. and its not husbands right to spy women. just to get second marriage. this present society needs people like you who can give equal justice to both men and female. and request you all please don't restrict your female onley to your home as you got all rights over her and do not relate every thing to god and law. please understand.

      thank you

      • Dear Sateesh

        I have made some amendments in my answer. Please read the post below.

        We need to help this couple synchronize with each other.

    • More fits to the situation

  4. Please ask mufti of your masjid about the situation. I suggest you to talk to her parents directly. Otherwise if things 'll end in divorce they will blame you.
    The behaviour of your wife clearly indicates any affair but please do not beat or take any serious reaction. Go with mufti solution . InshaAllah you will have good time ahead.
    In my opinion divorce is the good option after clearly telling her parents about it. But as I am not expert so please must consider mufti. Again I advice you to handle it in a cool manner. Divorce is better than humiliating anyone.

  5. Feelix: But she might be feeling that she is forced to become a person, which she is not. That is a clash of personalities(your(Religious) and she (non religious)). It appears that she believes that you have placed her in a restrictive environment, in which she is feeling as a prisoner.

    I wonder how will people react if it was a Muslim man meeting a na-mahram woman? Poor wife will have no choice but to accept her husband's affairs. Why is this big difference. There may be some exceptions to this like Muslims born in Western countries.

    In this case wife feels she is missing some thing......which she may be trying to make up.

    Husband seemed to be suspicious nature and he will always be watching his wife's every move.

    People who seem to be religious are no better when it comes to love/sex.

    If people could be just controlled by religion, there will be no need of burqas and other restrictions like women are not allowed to talk to na-mehrams or travel alone in some countries

    • Sister feelix,
      Sorry to say. What you are trying to tell is totally non Islamic.
      She should understand Islam if she is a Muslim.
      I understand that she maybe from a western culture but talking with other men without informing your husband ? ... Is it correct?
      Meeting a man when husband is out and not telling him is it correct?
      Talking over the phone and dating friends is it Islam?

      • Dear Shaan

        That is what i said

        "I think that you should allow her to chat with non mahram friends but only in your (the guy who is husband) presence.".

        It means that the husband(guy who started the post) should allow her to talk, phone or meet her male friends only in his own presence.

        Read the post carefully again and you will understand that you misunderstood my point(2).

        • Brother Feelix,

          There is no need to meet if husband doesn't like .even in his presence .

        • Sister feelix,
          This is not Islam. Why does she needs a ghair mehram male friends if her husband is there. Sister do u know when a woman and a man comes close and the third person is shaiytaan. They will commit zina.
          Shaiytaan will lead them to commit a sin.... He wants every Muslim to be dragged into hell fire.
          Okk where are her female friends. What kind of woman she is who only has male friends????
          What answer do u have???
          You are creating a new deen?
          Meet ghair mehram in presence of her husband?
          Call them in front of husband knowing that he dislikes this?
          Sister you are amending the laws of Allah. Sorry to say.

          • Dear Shaan

            First it is brother feelix.

            A marriage is successful only if both husband and wife have the same set of values. A strict religious guy should marry a strict religious person only. Similarly a person not strict in religion should not marry another strict in religion.

            Clearly her wife is not strict religious and does not have the same set of values as her husband. Her husband's story clearly shows that she is living in an uncomfortable atmosphere run by rules she has accepted not with true heart.

            For this matter to be resolved there are two ways

            (i) Either her wife accepts her husband's values with true heart.

            (ii) Her husband ease restrictions on her and allow her some sort of limited

            Someone(wife or husband) has to change his behavior. I have suggested meeting with a psychologist(or marriage counselor). They can help in ways we cannot.

  6. Salaam

    Marriage should be based on mutual respect, husband and wife are supposed to be garments to one another. You should not spy on your wife. She should do nothing to betray you. You should both talk about your feelings and what you want from each other and meet in mutual respect. Brother, spying on her and the history of her phone and interviewing the maid is NOT showing respect. The Prophet said we should not suspect each other as muslims, and not believe ill without proof! Would you approve of your wife going through your computerfiles and phonerecords and interviewing the people you work with? And why were you not with your wife for Eid? How much do you do to make your wife feel loved and respected?

    In truth we can not change the ways of others, we can only change ourselves.

    • SubhanAllah there needs to be a balance. Spying is wrong, so is being in privacy with another man!

      If one cannot change this way in a spouse then separation is the clear end of the road. Neither a wife nor a husband should accept that the other is in privacy with a member of the opposite gender at any time. When a man and a women are alone in a room Shaytan is a third and how much destruction and sorrow has he spread how many marriages destroyed and children traumatized because this law of seclusion was not followed.

      One can only change oneself but if the spouse will not change this behavior the marriage has been destroyed. Certain things destroy a marriage like vinegar destroys honey.

  7. brother in islam not either male or female can establish relationship with non mahram. Nowadays most people they do a lot things which cause problems. you should tell your wife I already gave you enough chance if she is not happy with clearly ask her you need to be sincere with me if not then ask her may she want divorce. Next thing she will destroy her life because the person she is talking he just want to fulfill his desire nothing else. I am really sorry for you my brother.

  8. It's a story of many people around us. So separation is not the only solution today, as it will multiply the cases. Your wife is your responsibility and when away for long, you leave it to others. Time is different now, so are the ways.

    Separation is the easiest solution but leaves scars on you. Another marriage may also end in dissolution.

    Now think that you can carry on with your beloved wife...

    You should be available and accessible to your wife.
    You should find multiple ways to interact casual time together, for example playing games, going for walk, helping in cooking or laundering, story time, some project work or studies together, playing with children together, cutting jokes etc.
    The point is that you associate with each other in diverse situations and manners. Actually family life is a full package not an occasional matter.

    Be soft spoken and easygoing.

    Lead a pleasing night time mutually.

    Attend functions, seminars etc together. Make each others' soul mate.

    For this all you have to act in a normal way and don't try to overdo.

    I think it will do if you nullify all other options to divorce or separate.

  9. Dear coooolcaat

    Divorcing or setting apart are the open options which may or may not be solution of the problem you are facing. It's getting everyone's issue with every day passing. In Pakistan the recent divorce rate has touched 38% towards 2018 as compared with 13% towards the beginning of 2000s. Three times increase! , just in 18years, demands careful study and analysis to dig out two or max three reasons that might have contributed to this disastrous breakage of the institution of marriage in Islamic country like Pakistan.

    Most found Reasons...
    1. Financial issues especially among the middle class and the of the lower class.

    2. Mismatches in marriage due to forced marriages by parents etc. Or mismatches after marriage for example job timings and later time adjustments.

    3. Most recent is spreading through the overuse of social media, TV time, resulting into neglected family, doubts rising from it etc.

    I suggest that you should hold on and show further patience, just be on the side of your wife whenever she needs you. As a male and being stronger you have more responsibility towards keeping your home intact, because if you claim to be right then you must be wise by showing and acting more responsible behavior in this regard. Don't ever ignore your wife on one hand and on the other, make her understand, by your conduct, that you are the only in authority of this relationship.

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