Pressured into nikkah with my cousin
I got engaged to my cousin last year (may 2009) and I am very unhappy. I was brought up to believe that my marriage would be my choice and whenever I wanted it to be. Then my mum started pressurizing me about marrying my cousin who is back home but I didn't want to. (within the period of a month, she tried every tactic to get me to say yes) she kept telling me this is for your happiness and bright future, he is a lovely man and so on.
The thing is when I last saw him which was 3 years before my nikkah was done, there was no spark between us, nothing. I saw him like a brother. So I kept saying no because I truly did not want to marry him.
Please don't get me wrong. I was not looking down on him because he is a very nice person but if I don't like him then I don't and mum should have listened. Everyday I was crying my eyes out but I had no one who would listen or understand me (I have 10 family members). I hated coming home because my mum would emotionally blackmail me into saying yes. She would cry and say I am not her daughter. My sisters would not speak to me because of the hurt I was causing my mum.
At the end I told my mum, while bawling my eyes out, that she could do what she thought was correct. The next day I come home, with no warning my mum tells me that I am given. For the next year it was like I died within. I wasn't myself anymore. I didn't laugh. I didn't want to spend time with my family. I couldn't stand being next to my mum. Sometimes I would answer her back even though I didn't want to and I knew it was wrong, and she would get upset and then everyone would be angry with me because they thought I was a cold hearted person. What they didn't see is how much I would beat myself about it when I was alone in my room because I knew I was causing my mum pain but why could they not see my pain.
Throughout the year I tried to talk to the boy and understand him but I felt nothing. Just recently I went back home to see them and I thought that I might feel something when I see him but I felt nothing. I have tried for over one year to get some feelings towards him but I have none. When he would touch my hand I would feel dirty. We are not formally married yet so have not slept together. He also told me that he has consumed alcohol on previous occasions and would like to drink a beer once a month. I completely detest this. And whenever I told him not to touch me he would grab me and force me and then I would kick him and try and get away but he would say no, come here. He wouldn't leave me.
Now I do not know what to do. I just recently became a strong believer and I want to do things the right way. If Allah says endure the pain and hurt for your parents sake then I will but if Allah says that a nikkah where the girl was basically forced to consent is wrong then I will call this whole thing off. I don't want to get married with the hope that things might change after marriage but they don't then I become miserable and depressed and then get divorced. Because that is what I thought all along,I said give it time things will get better, you will get feelings, but I have nothing.
With all this said I want to stress that my mother is not a bad person. I know she did this for my happiness because she thought I will be happy and believe me I have tried to be happy. I can't try any more. I just don't know how she can't see my unhappiness? She tells me to call my cousin and talk to him but I don't want to.
My cousin is also not a bad person. In fact he is very nice and will be a great husband, just not mine. I know that if I tell my parents now that I do not want to marry him, they will be upset and say all sorts of things to me to put me off. But if I know that I have a right to be happy in life then shouldn't I say something now rather than after marriage which would ruin mine and his life? I don't want to put my cousin through pain either.
I hope that all makes sense. please help me.... I need advice...
- nazzi
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Sister Nazzi,
Absolutely do NOT marry this man. If you marry him, I guarantee that you will be writing to this website in a few years telling how miserable you are, that you feel trapped, maybe even suicidal, etcetera. I've been answering questions here for 11 years and I see it all the time.
It is forbidden in Islam to force a young man or woman to marry someone against their will. Parents should never do this, and young people should not go along with it. There is no obedience to parents in disobedience to Allah.
You must have courage to tell your mom, "I have tried to get to know and like this man but I do not like him, I don't like his behavior, and I will not marry him." Then stick to your ground. When your mom cries and says "You are not my daughter," that's just emotional blackmail. It's not real. Don't give in to that. Make your feelings very clear and do not relent. Eventually they will accept and release you from this engagement.
It's very frustrating to me that parents do this. Really, it upsets me. It is completely contrary to the Islamic way.
There's something else that puzzles me, and maybe you can explain it to me, or one of the other women can explain it. There's this thing that some Muslim women do where they say about their boyfriends or fiances or husbands, "He drinks, he forces himself on me physically, he is verbally abusive, etcetera etcetera." Sometimes they even complain that he beats them. Then they say, "He's a good, religious, honest man." Or something like that.
In this case, you complain that he drinks, and that he grabs you by force and doesn't respect your wishes, then you say, "In fact he is very nice." I don't get it. How is that nice? Why do you feel the need to make excuses for him?
Sister, the man as you have described him is not nice. To force himself on you physically, or always try to put his hands on you, is not nice. It is bad behavior, rude, un-Islamic, and disrespectful.
Meanwhile you are trying to become a stronger believer. You are not compatible with this man. You are seeking Allah, while he is seeking the pleasure of the world.
Allah and His Messenger have taught us to choose spouses of good character, religious, with taqwa and good behavior. That is truly what Allah wants from us, and if we seek Allah's pleasure then we should follow His guidelines.
Break your engagement to this man, then find the strength to deal with the disapproval of your family. In the short run it will be difficult, but in the long run you will be very glad that you followed your heart.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
MashaAllah, I couldn't agree more with Wael !
Don't marry this man ! He drinks alcohol, he's disrespectful to you. You don't want to marry a man like that. Have you told your mom that he drinks ? that he touches you ? maybe if you did, she would change her mind about him.
Break off your engagement. Your family is just going to have to deal with it, they have no right to force you. Things will be tense between you and your mother for a while, and then in time inshaAllah things will get back to normal.
Be strong and patient.
Wafa.
To answer your question Weal about women. We tell the truth about the actions of men. When we say they are nice or good men we are refering to the fact that men are deceptive to community. Not all mind you but a lot. Because you don't know what this means you're one of the good guys. : ) Many men will be very good and nice in public with friends, family, co-workers and be total monsters to the woman at home. This is a prime example. If the mother or any other family member or the community was aware of this behavior I don't think this post would exist. They would all stop this marriage. So in fact the man shows he is good, religious, and honest to all others. You see now why women say these things? So next time you read a woman say those words that is what it means. Which can make leaving a man like that extremely difficult because the woman is considered bad for saying anything bad against him even if it is true.
My first husband severely beat me and crippled me. To the day his mother died she never believed it because he was such a "good" son. Even though her own mother(his grandmother) came to my house and saw the strangulation bruises that completely covered my neck totally. So she had me show her all the damage. I showed her my back and legs completely covered in bruises. I could barely walk. I was rolled in a ball on the floor which protected my front while he kicked the crap out of me. But his friends and siblings all think still that he is good and honest. He one day came to me two years after our divorce and apologized and asked forgiveness. I accepted and gave him forgiveness. When he looks me in the eyes he still shows the shame of his actions. So even though he was so "good" and "honest" to community he was a monster at home. You see?
Salaams Nazzi,
Please, please don't go ahead with this marriage! Bad signs are;
- You are not happy, despite making an effort to try and understand him, as you said
- This marriage is being forced upon you and with the use of emotional blackmail
- He has been forceful in trying to get physical with you when at this stage you are not even his wife!
- He drinks and likes a beer, what do you think he will get up to once he gets to your country?
I was made to marry a cousin from 'back home'. Though I was naive enough to think I was going on a holiday and got married within a month, despite raising concerns, I was told it was best for me and emotionally blackmailed too. Wael is most correct in saying it will be likely that you will be writing in a post a few years down the line, if you go ahead with this.
A long engagement is not permitted as one should marry as soon as possible, from the time of arrangement. However, it has been a blessing for you, since you know in your heart this union will be no good. It has also given you a chance to see a glimpse of how awful your life would be if you marry this man. I promise!
I'm sorry but I don't mean to speak ill of your mother in any way. However, this marriage arrangement is not primarily for your happiness. How could it be when you have made objections which have not only been cast aside but twisted into saying you are cold hearted and making your mother suffer? This proposed union would suit your parents and your cousins family and that is the main agenda. Lots of situations are like this, where parents trade off their kids for some kind of benefit to themselves. I was told that my father owed his village and I most recently found out that my fathers mother made him promise to offer any one of his daughters for my cousin, as my cousin had to come to England. My happiness was not even on the bottom of the list.
The fact that this man has tried to make moves on you and been aggressive in doing so should have the alarm bells ringing! This is haraam by all counts. How sleazy! You are not even his wife and he is doing that? Also in being forceful, could be a sign of physical and emotional abuse later on and possessiveness and controlling behaviour. Also that once he comes to your country, he'll probably cheat on you as well. You say he is nice but how is that behaviour nice? That's just the act he is putting on, to win you over and he probably is really straining himself to be 'nice'.
Drinking alcohol is a disgrace. Like I already said, when he gets to your country, he will do alot worse. He may also do drugs, cheat, nightclubs, not maintain you financially. Its just their agenda at the end of the day. Freshy's as they are called, just want a ticket to freedom to carry out all their haraam desires. He must be certain that he will succeed in having you as his wife. Your mother probably was expected like in my case to offer her daughter. These people start matchmaking when the kids are still infants.
The guy is no good. He sounds like my soon to be ex-husband who also has zero contact with our kids. He has done many of the things I say this guy will do against you. But unlike you, I had no time to discover any negatives. The same emotional bullying tactic, emo blackmail and also the pressure your mother may well be under to give away her daughter like a trade, was done in my case too.
You are stronger in deen, so remain strong and refuse to give in. Explain to your mother you cannot be forced, if she cares for your happiness then she can't be forcing you into this. Also nevermind what the family say, they are thousands of miles away back 'home'. That is not your home, the mentality is totally different. You will find it so difficult and frustrating and you will never feel happy or secure with a man like that. Some parents abuse their rights and forget that respect works both ways. Forcing you into an unhappy marriage is not respecting you. This is your life and if you have kids, their lives will be spoilt too.
Don't do this marriage, no matter what. People like that never change.
I hope you make the right choice and let us know.
Take care of yourself,
Hopeful
I have a question which regarding the post that the member "Hopeful" has posted regarding long engagements. I was not aware Islam had any say on the matter could you elaborate or point me in the right direction as to an article on this matter? I would be most interested as it applies to me.
I am completely agree with Wael and Hopeful, I thank them for there time and may Allah forgive them.
I would add sister that your mother may know this guys behavior and wants that he marries you as he is???? ask yourself sister, does she want your success or ..... as our brother Wael said shortly "There is no obedience to anybody, even to parents, in disobedience to Allah"..... It makes me extremely angry, How your parents want you to marry a man they know nothing about his behavior or they just want as he is??.
Shortly sister everything is in your hand stop any relation with this guy until he comes back to Allah and stops that behavior. Try to make understand your parents that you do not want this guy, because they are not the one who marry him, but you. Ask Allah forgiveness and follow your Islamic way of life. Know Allah has given you the right to have say anything that affect your life.
Jazakallah!.
"Allah says that a nikkah where the girl was basically forced to consent is wrong."
call it off
As-salaam Aleikum
sister,i have been in a position just like you find yourself in,pressured by family to marry a cousin,the first time i met him was as his wife,i left my career and friends to move to his country,beecoming a houswife etc,within months i had seen his true colours,i was physically,emotionaly and verbally abused almost daily,became a prisoner in my home,and finally after long and painful time,got a divorce.I had a child with him,and i came back to my own country.My ex husband has carried on with his life and career,while i am living in poor condition,as a single parent who is unemployed.The same family who pressured me are nowhere to be seen,they have made it clear that my child and i are on our own.Divorce has a stigma in our culture,i doubt ill re-marry,and my child calls every man,including the local shopkeepers and strangers "daddy".We are alone with no family,and life is lonely and difficult to say the least.If your fiance is a practising muslim,who can honour your rights,you could maybe end up with a friendship.and a marriage built on islamic foundations.however think very carefully about your decision,you have to live with the consequences.May Allah guide you to the correct one InshaAllah.
Don't marry this man. Marriage is a difficult relationship and you're already carrying a ton of resentment into it. You don't want to marry this man; so, don't. Just because you're family is pushing you around and emotionally blackmailing you doesn't mean that you should give in. It sounds like you don't have enough support structures in your life, people who care about you rather than some family agenda. This is not uncommon. I think you should start off by getting a good counselor (maybe one familiar with Muslim values and your background) to talk to so that you can learn how to stand up for yourself to your well-meaning, but ultimately toxic family. Please don't marry the guy. You'll make yourself unhappy and him, too. You'll blame your family whenever you have troubles and those relationships will also suffer. Your family thinks they know what's best for you, but they are trampling over your needs. Please don't ignore the pain you're feeling because it's a clear indication that going through with this marriage because you've been bullied into it is tearing you apart inside. Hang in there and be strong. Better to be alone than bullied by everyone around you!
Asalamualakum, quick and short tu all that have messaged please help mee i am soo desperate nd i am very stressfull the girl i wanted tu marry nd she also wanted tu marry me we have been tugether for 4 years she ahd beeen forced into it blackmailed hit everything name it okai shez married nw but stil nt happy she wants tu be with me what du i do?.....