Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I choose my new love interest or honor my commitment?

Confused girl

Asalamualaykum,

Almost 6 years ago, I met a guy in my university and he persuaded me for marriage consistently for 2 years. i avoided the relationship because he lived very far away from my place and i thought this wont work out due to cultural difference between us (i live in city and he in a remote village).

We had a mutual friend group and often used to hang out together. In 2013, after a lot of persuasion and my liking for him, i agreed and we remained committed. It was a long distance as he could not visit city because he started to take jobs after the university. Within a couple of months, he started ignoring me and misbehaved and was never available for calls. We had a pretty decent relationship and never went to physical stuff due to my disagreement and unwillingness for it. He did get upset at it but eventually worked out.

Within 9 months, due to his unavailability, i started to have mental issues. While he was focused on his own work and studies, i was totally out of whack and was losing focus, health and productivity. I went from psychiatrist to psychiatrist but all in vain. He was of the opinion that contact is not necessary and he is super busy. i was not able to handle the situation and was not ok with this type of the execution that he chose himself for both of us without any discussion or consent. I wanted a warm friendly commitment where we could mentally nurture and support each other but if he was upset he just used to lose temper on me saying he is upset and wants to be alone. this went for a year or so. I wanted a partner who could confide in me the way i felt the need to call him in my low moments but he never was available nor talked about his problems.

We were good friends before the relationship and he used to take my advice over almost everything. He used to respect my knowledge and opinions in worldly and religious matters. But now it was a new unknown face. My health was failing and we used to bicker and fight all the time. We could not see eye to eye on anything. there was an episode of his ex approaching him for marriage and he had told her that he will consider it which he told me after many months about, citing the excuse that he had thought i wont be able to adjust in village life. It was brutal to the level that i had to register for anger management. He eventually didn't go for her saying he loves me only. Even after this episode, his unavailability and emotional coldness continued for another two years and i finally told him that we should break this toxic thing because it was harming me.

He was screaming at me for not understanding his unavailability. i could clearly see him hang out with other friends and be online but never talk to me. this was taking a serious toll on me. He never asked me about my medicines, my health issues. I used to dial his number a 100 times daily but he never called back even on next day. If he ever picked up call, he used to fall asleep within 10 minutes of talking leaving me high and dry and more and more emotionally unsatisfied and angry. We never had any actual normal conversation. Our fights grew  and clashes intensified as i came to know that he is a superficial person and does not know a thing about islam. Not even any story of any prophet or simple things like who is Jesus (AS) or who is satan. that was a shock and i tried to persuade him to take some time for religion at least as i feared for our future together.

That never happened and his life style became more and more distant and different from me. I received many options and marriage proposals during this time but i was stuck with him mentally. At one point i sent him message that i am ending it, he never replied and this went like this for nearly a year and he was well aware of my mental health through mutual friends. they tried to tell him that he should contact back but he never did. as usual i succumbed and called him. He apologized saying that he will fix everything but could not. We fought and struggled for another year with disagreement over almost anything. I hated his lavish, vagabond lifestyle with all investment on material things and show off while he called me an old soul with no exposure and too much discipline in life.

In past six months, things started to improve but i told him we should start it on the basis of probation as i required a lot of healing. I can barely forget his past atrocities and indifference. Things were going fine, we fight less but I started to hate the idea of marriage all over and especially used to think that i am doing injustice with me by being with him. I felt like a beautiful vase that he got for himself and never cared for later. As if i was on a down payment. When he chose me, he hadnt time for me but kept me for future at the expense of my mental health and misery. I started being angry at myself for letting him do this to me. However, this moved forward and now our families got involved and there was fixing of engagement date. I was also fairly ok with it because things are going well. apart from minor disagreements, it is going fine.

Meanwhile, i started to focus on my work and met a social work group. After library reading, i used to sit in this group and discuss social problems. We all became friends and used to exchange ideas as i am a columnist and also write on politics, religion and social things. Among the friends, there was a gentleman with whom i clicked on islamic philosophy as our ideas were similar and he had been following my write ups from months. i also liked him but with no other intention; though when he used to speak in public, once or twice it occurred to my mind that i had wanted a husband like him. it was a vague thought that went away as soon as i left the gathering.

After many meet ups, one day he sent a quran and a box dates through a mutual friend and asked for nikah. He wanted to take my consent and then he would meet my parents.  I was shocked but had to decline and let his friend know that i am going to be engaged soon. After this we met again in the group and i started to feel for him. I still don't know what i feel but just do. I want to consider him , know him more and i think some part of me wants to marry him too but i am caught in an awkward scenario due to my engagement and family involvement scenario. He is a deeply religious person with a balance as i have read his columns and he has been into philanthropy since 10 years. In past one month we met many times through same group and i felt a weird pull towards him. he never said anything though. In last 10 days of ramadan, he goes to the itikaf and this year before going to masjid, he texted me how i am etched into his soul and how he deeply feels for me. I didnt reply because he would be in masjid and honestly i had no reply for him. This made me deeply unstable and confused.

i instantly called the previous guy and without any thought told him that i don't wanna get married not citing the real reason why. He got furious saying we are all prepared for marriage and everyone, friends and family knows. He has been fixing his home for the marriage and was involved in its construction. I understood the scenario but i am not able to let the new guy go from my mind. This made me emphasize the reconsideration of marriage with the previous guy to the level that he broke down. He is consistently weeping and asking forgiveness for previous blunders and doesnt want me to go. He is ready to do anything for me whatever i say and read religion.

I am at cross roads because i dont want to hurt these many people and also dont wanna break his heart as past few months he had improved a lot and behaved very nicely. He is well settled right now and says he wants to make it up to me for what i have gone through. He is saying that it has always been about me and he had never left me even though wasnt available.

At the same time, i have very less information about the new guy and his family or what in-depth temperament he has since i have been able to know him for two months only but i feel a spiritual connection with him like contentment. I am happy when i am with him as if i am in a religious heaven. I finally met a person who can relate love with the love of allah first and what comapassion and depth of love means. We have same future plans for contribution to society and propagation of islam and taking on social evils in our society. He is well read with phd in islamic studies and plans to go for post doc but doesnt have a job which is not an issue for me at all. I can manage in one room if i get along with the principles. The job or settlement or big fat salary is not a criterion for me in marriage.

i dont have much time to decide and personally am scared to take any decision; especially the heartbreak curse from the previous guy as he has become suicidal. i do feel sympathy or may be love for his efforts in previous months but i fear i might end up in bad marriage because of his bad past behavior. I also feel that i will get stuck with the mundane social drama with his marriage and wont be able to do my philanthropy or social work due to the difference in our life style and opinions about life. Though he promises that he will let me do whatever i want but when life engulfs i will get sucked into their ways of unnecessary social customs and ways of life. Also, if i was this much into him, why would a new proposal impact me this much while i have had many proposals before but they didnt affect me.

I am all confused as to what thoughts of mine to believe. It seems like i have grown out of the old things that i had focused on and religion is becoming my top priority ( i have studied religion for many years earlier and i think this was the main reason of the clashes between him and me for years) and now i can see/imagine/fantasize that new blessed life with the new proposal person (by reading his many years of columns and knowing him through friends). At the same time i feel terrible and guilty by the idea of breaking previous guy's heart for the things that are becoming priority for me and totally confused what if this all that i want now will also be possible with previous guy which is highly unlikely because of his family ways and life he is in though he is assuring as anything. It took me years to make him understand that only way to keep me is by following religion not the lavish things as i am simple warm person and now he says he is understanding.

Is my religious priority for other guy worth hurting present person? What if i go with new person but later i came to know about something that is a big deal breaker for me or he finds something in me and loses interest and it will also be a disaster and i will end up with psychiatrist and ruined life of regret. yeah, i have serious trust issues because of the trauma i have faced in life. Do i have a simple crush on new guy for the things that are missing in my life or it is serious. Is it pre-wedding jitters or a close call of gut instinct. A stupid epiphany or a life changing decision from satan or from allah respectively? Is it like the grass is greener on the other side situation? I feel really selfish and mean and the pressure is nerve wreaking for what is at stake for everyone involved. The thought being responsible for breaking a relationship makes my legs shiver in nimaaz.

My family has given me a month that is till first week of july 2019 to give them final answer. I am praying whole nights and did istikhara. I want do the right thing that will be good for my deen and hereafter. My family doesnt know about the other guy but i just stopped my engagement and told them i wanna reconsider. Everyone is waiting except the new proposal guy whom i didnt let know that i am considering his proposal on account that it will create more problems for him and break his heart in case i coudnt decide. Please help, any suggestions? 🙁

gene

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2 Responses »

  1. deart sister gene
    i have noticed you mentioned in your post you had to make decision by july 2019?
    what did you decide?
    from reading your post, the first man in question does not seem like a man you would want to consider marriage with. he kept you in a realtionship for many years, disreagrding your feelings, made you feel isolcated and alone, would ignore your calls, he may have changed his behaviour, but you always said you craved more, maybe this second proposal was allahs answers to your duas. he apporached you for marriage in a respectfull way, did not indulge in any haraam, he has same values as you in life and you say you feel a sence of peace and contetment.
    if you marry the first man our of "guilt" you will not live a happy life.
    allah is merciful, repent from your past and haraam, do istikara and if this second proposal is what is in your heart, be honest. allah will make it easy for you.
    it is alwasy better to take a stand before marriage and do whats right for you, rather than be traped in a miserable marriage, for fear of holidng on to past.

  2. Assalamo Alikum sister
    First of all you should pray Istekara and act accordingly.
    In my opinion you should choose the new guy. The old guy already made suffer a lot and he's not religious. One of the reasons a Muslim marry is to complete his/her deen and if the new guy is as religious as you said he is then he will treat you right if you married him because a God fearing man will never hurt his wife.
    I hope you recover soon.
    May Allah bless you with lots of happiness.

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