Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I tell my dad that I’m getting married

Assalamu Aelaikum my brothers and sisters,

I am a 21 years old muslim girl from a muslim family and country. I've known this man for two years now, and we have talked about marriage from day one. Except for the fact that he was a Christian, it took so much time and patience and reading for him to be fully convinced with Islam. And Alhamdullilah he's now a muslim. My parents knew about him, I tell them everything.

Now the problem is, me and my dad don't speak to each other at all. And that's because my dad did so many unforgivable things this past year. He cheated on my mom with another married woman... My dad turned our lives upside down, he destroyed us physically and emotionally. He beat my mom and when we try to protect her from he beat us too. He doesn't give me any money AT ALL knowing that i'm a student and I don't work, and that he gets paid extremely good. He spends money on that woman, he gives her money on top of her salary, pay her renting, and buys her jewelry. My dad never bought us or my mom any jewelry, even my mom's muhr... He borrowed a necklace from his friend's wife then he returned it once their wedding was over.

My dad is ungrateful and selfish, I know it is bad to say that but it is the truth. I never said any hurtful word to my dad nor have I raised my voice at him, i never disrespect him despite everything...but I don't speak to him and I ignore him when I see him. Cause I feel so much hate and anger towards him. Thinking about those times when he started packing his things and was ready to leave all of us, his selfishness drove us away from each other. My dad was in a haram relationship and he still is with that woman till this day, he didn't even try to fix things between us. He doesn't even ask about me, he didn't think about the horrible things i can be doing to get money ? I don't think he deserves to be a dad in the first place. He has done way more terrible things that I'd like to keep to myself.

Anyway, my dad is not responsible of me, he doesn't spend money on me nor does he pay my doctor or medication. He recently changed the password of the wifi so i can't speak to my fiance or use it for my studies. He said he'd even cut off electricity if he could.

I feel like a guest in my own house with my own parents, my dad would kick me out of the house if he could. He keeps saying that without him we'd die, but he doesn't realize that i'm already getting used to life without his assitance.... The only thing he is giving me now is just this room i am staying in. If i want to eat something i buy it with my own money that i get from teaching French for  little kids when i get the chance to do so.

So..... i really don't know how am I going to tell him about my marriage after all this... I remember him objecting our marriage because he's Mexican, and because he doesn't have university diploma. It's true he doesn't, because education is not for free in his country unlike over here. My fiance is a very nice person he is very kind to me and has always been there for me when I needed him.... He is working really hard to provide for me the best he could. He loves Allah more than anything and is a good practising muslim. We're planning on getting married this summer inshallah... But the thing is that I don't know who can be my Wali... My paternal uncles don't talk to us... My grandfather is dead... All i have is my maternal uncle but I'm not sure if he can be my wali cause he's from the maternal side. I would appreciate any help or advice, I have been through a lot so I'm sorry if this was too long.

Thanks in advance

Halallovin3

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6 Responses »

  1. Well why are you going to tell him anyway???? The day he left you is the day he indirectly said he does not want anything to do with you or your life. So sister I would say forget him. You converted your man and now you are going to marry him. So be happy and get married and enjoy your life. I will make dua to ALLAH swt to protect you, your husband and your family from harm and guide you. Ameen..

  2. Sister,
    If you attend the Nikah yourself , You dont need your father or uncle ... one imam or seyh and 2 witness( 2 man or 4 ladies) you and your lawful man is enough.. you can make nikah and get marry like that..
    Best wisches

  3. In your shoes, I would not tell my dad. Not sure he can even be classified as a dad, to be honest.

  4. Sister , Go ahead and get married

    About the Wali part.. its better you take an advice from a local Mufti. You have a genuine reason about your awful father.. So i am dead sure there might be some alternatives to it. But make sure its from the ISLAMIC POINT of view.

    Dont think about your father at all. Not worth thinking. The more you think the more disgusted you will feel and by the way why waste time and health in thinking about someone who has just been GOOD FOR NOTHING.

  5. Salam

    Islamically speaking you have to tell your father. And it's not really a matter of you telling your father, it's more that your prospective suitor must came and ask your father for your hand in marriage. If you feel that you don't have an Islamic father and there is a better wali then you could try that. Even in that case though you must tell your father. This is because you cannot have a secret marriage and by not telling him that is what it would be.

    Your case of asking is covered here in the Quran and I've made the permission part bold:
    ****
    http://legacy.quran.com/4/25
    And whoever among you cannot [find] the means to marry free, believing women, then [he may marry] from those whom your right hands possess of believing slave girls. And Allah is most knowing about your faith. You [believers] are of one another. So marry them with the permission of their people and give them their due compensation according to what is acceptable. [They should be] chaste, neither [of] those who commit unlawful intercourse randomly nor those who take [secret] lovers. But once they are sheltered in marriage, if they should commit adultery, then for them is half the punishment for free [unmarried] women. This [allowance] is for him among you who fears sin, but to be patient is better for you. And Allah is Forgiving and Merciful.
    ****
    In reading your story it seems that two years ago you approached your parents about marriage with him and they said no. Their basis was that he was mexican, not muslim, and not educated. A year later your dad, according to you, cheated on your mom. It is not for me to say he cheated as I can't accuse him to be unchaste without knowledge. After him "cheating" you are now trying to use that to justify going for this man, a rejected suitor, without a wali's approval. To further this justification your mind is playing tricks on you. You don't talk to your dad out of choice, as such there is no way for him to even know that you have a need for money. But instead of realizing your part in this you blame him for not giving you any money. Yeah he may have "cheated" but the rest of what you blame him for such as not giving you money or asking about you is also on you as you do not talk to him.

    As for your fiance, please make sure he converted for the right reasons. His reason for converting cannot be for marrying you. It must be that whether he would marry or not he would remain Muslim. If this is not the case then your marriage will head towards divorce or your life and the lives of your children will head towards hell. After the first two years of honeymoon period, if the person converted for the sake of the marriage they will no longer wish to keep up religion as they never really believed in it in the first place. At that time you will ponder whether it would be better to raise your kids yourself or stay in the marriage.

    To avoid such issues it is imperative that you consult a third party, a wali, that is not affected by the charms of this man and is making good Islamic decisions on your behalf. Education and race are not important but his faith is. If he converted two years ago he should've known himself that it is a requirement to ask your father and you wouldn't be posting this question here. I recommend that you go for a public marriage, tell your parents now, and have a wali. Salam.

  6. OP: 21 years old muslim girl from a muslim family and country........Now the problem is, me and my dad don't speak to each other at all. And that's because my dad did so many unforgivable things this past year. He cheated on my mom with another married woman... My dad turned our lives upside down, he destroyed us physically and emotionally. He beat my mom and when we try to protect her from he beat us too.......... He has done way more terrible things that I'd like to keep to myself.

    You need to get away from your dad. Talk about "more terrible things" your dad has done with some one you can trust. Have you talked to your mom about getting married to the man you have known for 2 years. Good luck

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